Depression - Is It Really a Curse?

I have become positive that my depression is not the end of the world – it is a blessing instead of a curse. You may wonder why I think that. I am prepared to tell you. After years of dealing with it and trying anti-depressants and reading scads about this seeming affliction, I have realized that it is something for me to embrace.

First of all let me say that I understand that depression has many reasons, some of which are biological and require medication. My first suggestion is always check with a doctor when there is a problem with depression. But there is also sin. Sin can weigh ones soul down and cause the exact same symptoms as someone struggling with medical depression. It is important for a believer to delve into her life to determine why she is feeling the way she is. Is there something she knows she does not need to be doing, or equally needs to be doing? Has she let finances get out of hand or relationships to take on wrong value? It is important to examine your spiritual activity daily by the Word of God – the Believers true compass.

But once I saw my sin and dealt with it rightly by God’s Word, I found that my depression continued. I want to blame it on hormones. I am not getting any younger. I am a 41 year old woman who just very well may be going through peri-menopause. I am a roller coaster ride of emotions. But I have dealt with these swings for years. And they are vast swings….almost bi-polar in appearance. I am either going full force or I, what I lovingly call, “hit the skids”. Everything stops. They are worse than they used to be - so it very well could be hormones...who knows - but the fact is - it is not the end of the world.

My favorite days are when there is not a day when I am not unbelievably positive and I am able to put my hand to anything I want to. These are the Diamond Days. They sparkle and shine and keep me going. I love these days because I am sure of who I am, why God placed me here and can function not just getting through the day – but soaring through it. I love the Diamond Days and I want every day to be that way.

But that cannot be. The Diamond Days would not be so sparkly had I not been through what I have come to see as the Black Coal days. These are days of dark and seemingly endless pressure. I cannot function well, I cannot think or stay on task and it is unbelievably frustrating. At times I shake my fist at God and ask him why he has made me the way he has. There is nothing that can go right and even if I accomplish something, it is not what I want so I count it as a “have to” and face it, “have to’s” are not satisfying. The attitude is, I did what I had to now let’s move on. I am listless and sometimes unable to find joy in anything. My husband cannot do right, my kids are hard, my house is a mess and I care but I cannot do anything about it…it seems – vain.

In the past these days were very much an affliction. I hated life. In my younger years I dealt with them better. But after being married and having kids and not having the freedom to go and do as I like (like I did B.K.- before kids), I turned to a source of solace that was always around. Food. This became sin in my life. I no longer thought to go to Scripture or prayer for guidance. I no longer cared why or how and all I wanted to do was drown out the voices that clamored in my head during the hard times. So I ate. Anything and everything that was available. And television. And the computer. These became my crutches. And suddenly I was not having the Diamond Days…I had gained a whopping 60lbs and could not figure out how I got there. Not only did I gain weight but Satan began to plant horribly ugly thoughts in my mind. I began to believe there is no way God could love me this way. I was unlovable and unworthy of redemption. There was a place in my mind that wanted to extricate itself from this grip – but I was unable to figure out how.

I have a group of friends that I started out in a Bible Study with. Through the years our relationship has become more of a sisterhood. We hold each other accountable and keep each other on task the best we can. These friends started advising me to examine my life. Good, godly cousel is a woman in my position’s best friend. The understanding was not overnight. I started looking and would weed out the sins and bring them before the Lord. But I would stumble and fall back into it. I still struggle and expect to always do so. But I pray that with the support and accountability to fellow believers I will walk rightly. I do realize that I am so loved by my heavenly Father! It has taken me years to get to the point where I am able to see – an epiphany of sorts (God revelation!) that I am blessed even in the Black Coal days. They are a precious gift and a tool to cause creativity in me.

These days of darkness and pressure are a necessity to live the life that God has called me to. They produce in me creativity. My mind struggles for the why’s and wherefore’s and this does not happen in the Diamond Days. I think deeply and feel deeply and struggle mightily with small and large things. But in this struggle is produced amazing and happily productive things. They aid me well in my Diamond Days. Without these Black Coal days, I would not have the Diamond Days. Life would be constant and even but I am pretty sure that I would never have to dig deep to find the why’s and wheretofore’s, thus not producing those incredibly satisfying days. Is that what I really want? [Edit:Alan, my Pastor preached from James this morning (Jan. 20)...and there are amazing correlations here! Coincidence? I think not. I will have additional things to add to this when I am able to sit down and review my notes!]

I have conceded that no, it is not. The Black Coal days have been lovingly given to me by my heavenly Father. He knew what I needed to make me productive. And I do believe that my so called depression is the birthplace of things that God would have me do. So, now in order to deal rightly with this blessing, I must keep my posture the posture of repentance. I must bring my sins before the Lord and then I am free to struggle and search in those dark times. But now it is no longer a burden. It is indeed, a blessing. My prayer is that I remember this, even in the midst of those Black Coal Days. Turning to the Lord with my struggles and holding them up before him, will not only produce the creativity he has given me, but it will more importantly keep me right with Him. And that is the deepest desire of my heart, to live rightly before my Lord and Savior.