Thursday, July 29, 2010

Oh how the years, months, days, minutes, seconds....go by


I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and I made a comment about how fast the week was going. She replied, "That's good isn't it?" I think I made some half hearted comment agreeing with her, but in truth, I really don't want it to go by quickly.

I find myself saying things all the time about how glad I am it's 4:00pm or that it's Thursday - but I don't really mean that. Instead I want to enjoy every minute. Or at least appreciate every minute.

It seems that only yesterday I was kissing those sweet baby cheeks of my boys and holding them here at home...and it doesn't do for me to dwell on those days, because I find myself spiraling downward into that funk I seem to get stuck in so often. I miss those days. As frustrating as they may have been, I don't remember that. I remember how content I was. I would like to look back on these days and feel the same way...but I want to make them the best days they can possibly be. I don't want to look back on them and be sorry I didn't redeem the time better. I can't be sorry for where I am right now. God has placed us in this position for a reason. I feel sure of that.

So, my question is, how can I make my few hours at home with my boys each evening the absolute best they can be? Having to work around dinner, football, chores and such and then that precious hour or two where I can just enjoy my sweet boys and husband?

I am asking God to give me wisdom, and discernment. I need the energy to get the things done that I need to, and I need the wisdom to know when to stop and focus on the important things. Looking back and wishing things were different is not going to make it better.

Taking the time out to plan my day and do my best to get to what matters most is my goal. And what matters most is honoring God with my time...living that before my boys, placing it all before the housework and whatever other thing I think defines me (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids (HA)...), because really - it doesn't matter.

Ecclesiastes 1:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow


And I could bemoan this text and wallow in it and let it sooth me that it all meant nothing...

But I choose to see it as someone who allowed himself to lose sight of the important things. To learn from it and realize that all of these things that I have wanted in the past (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids...(HA) ) really meant nothing. I loved those days of being home and my work being all about my home. And thought they were wonderful - the times that counted were the ones I was investing myself in friends, and in my family. Those days that I sought the face of God and passed some small grain of wisdom that has or will one day take root in their lives. And that is not over just because I am working full time. It can still be accomplished. I just have to keep my sight right.

Oh how the years go by....all of those increments of time - like sand through my fingers...but I am determined that I will continue to hitch up my britches and thumb my nose at those things that would keep me from living rightly before God. Keep on. But keep on always remembering and aiming for what matters most. It's a good question to ask.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

I asked for it with fear and trembling. God answered and there was peace....


My prayer has been to expose my sin. Expose the things that need to be made right.

And it was scary. So scary.

Being a people pleaser is hard in that so many times my own perception of myself is reflected in others happiness with me. It is so wrong. But it is my "go to" process. I do it without knowing it.

This process of mine causes undue importance on so many things that are so not important.

I asked God to reveal it - and I said I would trust him through it.

And he did. There is some pain there. There is disappointment in me there. I am sad for this. But I am clean before my Lord and my sights are no longer horizontal...

they are vertical.

Horrid process...and yet there is peace. The Light has revealed what needed to be seen and I do not have to fear anymore.

God is so good. It's not all better yet. I am going to have some hard times. Some really tough moments I feel sure. But my prayer is that I keep my gaze up - tracing the heart of my beloved Savior - walking in his light and trusting in him to give me my worth.

Thank you God. Please let it be so.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Something Great

Do you ever get the feeling you're not doing enough? Maybe you are doing a whole lot - so busy you can hardly think but what does it count for? Is it a clean house? Is it accomplished children? As nice as these things are, I am still not convinced they are enough.

My pastor has encouraged our congregation to step out and do something great for God. Many times. And I still have yet to do that. I have all kinds of ideas but it seems to me at the core of every idea is a selfish motive.

I want to be self-less. I want to do something great that has nothing to do with me. I want to be so emptied of my selfishness that I step out and do something amazing that is totally for the benefit of someone else and the glory of God.

I don't know what yet. But I am asking God to help me. He has been weeding and it is painful - wouldn't it be totally amazing if all of this was preparing me to do this great thing - whatever it is? Well worth all of that weeding.

I really don't like to weed or be the weedee for that matter...but would I consider it worth it if it meant I could accomplish this great thing for God?

I would think so.

I would think so.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

This is not what I thought it would look like...but okay

A few weeks ago in the busy-ness of All Star Baseball times two, I talked with another baseball mom in the bathroom. In passing I managed to tell her about taking the test for my insurance certification a few years ago. She immediately told me there was an opening at her job. I said okay like I had to many other people who told me about job openings. I did not take it seriously. I went on about my own business...summertime with my boys.

The next day she texted me the girls name and number I should get in touch with for the position. Once again I shrugged, called the girl, left a message. She called back. She asked me when I wanted to start.






Um








Confusion, disbelief, uncertainty and a flood of questions started jamming my mind. I stuttered a quick explanation of finding child care, and such...and said I would get back with her as quickly as I could. I talked to my husband and he gave the thumbs up immediately. He talked to his dad and my sweet daddy-in-law said they would take the boys 3 days of the week. I called my neighbor and she said she would take them the two remaining and after school during the year.







Huh?








This was so not what I had planned. And yet here I was...about to start a full-time job. I cried and cried. If I started talking about it I cried, when I thought about it I cried. I had hardly any time to reflect though. I told her yes on a Friday - I started working Tuesday of the next week. So fast.

I could not have done much less to get that job. A simple call and here I was, a full-time working mom. But I went in to work and started doing what they needed me to.

I loved it. The work was fun. I picked it up easily. I love the the people there. It is laid back and the folks all seem to enjoy each other. It is not a drama free place. No place with that many people working there is...but all things considered. I could not have found a job that pays this with a better environment. I consider myself blessed.

My boys have been the most amazing part of this. They seem to be so happy and at ease with this new task I have taken on. No one has complained. No one seems to be put out or uncomfortable with this...amazing.

God - this is a new era for me. I am praying that I will walk carefully - that my spiritual eyes will stay open and aware of the needs of my kids as well as my husband. That I will not be too worn out to come home and enjoy my children.

I have changed my thoughts on working full-time. I now consider it a place of encouragement for those who are like me and need to do this. I have always said I have been placed on this earth to make others feel better about themselves. I do not say that feeling sorry for myself...I say that meaning it. If I am serving well by encouraging others in the Lord with my working - then I will consider myself very blessed - and thankful for being used.

And I am helping with our income.

Thank you Lord. Keep me right. Keep my eyes on you....





and off to work I go!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thoughts

Heaven is not a vacation resort. It is where redeemed human beings will manifest the potential and destiny for which they were created--to the glory of God. -- David Jeremiah.


I have thought and thought......and thought and thought and thought about this quote.

I am absolutely ashamed to say that I have doubted there is a God to glorify....a lot lately. It seems my selfishness and my inability to process the blessings that my life has been filled with and continues to be filled with has caused my faith to falter. I cannot go to church without crying the whole time.

And the fact is - I would love to expound upon the list of woes that make me doubt that there is a God, and that if there is, that he loves me. But upon reflection - it is a trite list. It is full of embarrassing comparisons and absolutely brings me to the end of me. And at the end of me every time...there is still something there...it is tiny. Tiny. And I do not always recognize it. I mostly have shrugged my shoulders and moved on for the time.

But I finally realized what it was.

Faith. My hope in the faith that has been given me, is what keeps me going. This tiny mustard sized grain is not of my doing. If it was, I am pretty sure I would have destroyed it.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."


My mountain is obviously this life that has been given me. It is a blessing. I do believe that. And though it is exceedingly difficult (for me) at times, I pray God will continue to let me see that tiny seed of faith grow. I pray that this person that I have allowed myself to become - will be stronger, will be grateful, will be thoughtful, will put her trust in God...even when things get hard. I do not want to live in fear of the next bad thing. I want to live in freedom...freedom from the fear that clips my wings and strands me in such a low place.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.


...Freedom will have to have it's own blog spot....but I am looking forward to writing about it.