One of my favorite oft repeated phrases in the movie Shakespeare in Love is "I don't know, it's a mystery"....
I can't get it to embed - but I love Geoffrey Rush's character, Henslowe. His continued faith in the seemingly impossible is inspiring. I need inspiring.
I keep finding myself at a crossroads. I become inspired and give things a weak start and fizzle. Repeatedly. But I know I need to try. But I continue to detour to something easier... less rewarding and more frustrating, only to find myself back at the place I have been so many times.
I am pretty sure it is because I am afraid of failing.
What a weenie I am.
This morning, I picked up my One Year Women in Christian History Devotional I got from my husband for Christmas. For December 27th it was about Tamar. Oh my. Have you read Genesis 38 before? I read it three times trying to wrap my head around it. Seriously - it's bizarre. And yet - it is an amazing representation of the phrase "it's a mystery".
Tamar was married to Er, who died. Because of then current customs, was made to marry his brother, Onan. Any children Tamar and Onan would have would be considered heirs of Er. Yeah. I said that. So Onan refused his seed to Tamar. You have to read it I cannot repeat it. Onan dies. Judah asks Tamar to sit tight and wait for his youngest to grow up so she can have a child by him. But then it doesn't happen so Tamar takes matters into her own hands. She covers herself and sits where prostitutes do - somewhere about the gates, and snares Judah - asking him for his signet ring and such until he brings her payment. She leaves with the proof before he gets back. Later when she is pregnant with her father-in-law's child, she is accused of adultery and Judah wants to burn her for her sin. HA! She brings out his signet ring and low and behold his anger quickly ebbs and she delivers his baby. Yuck.
How convoluted is that?
But how convoluted is life?
What I love about that story (because I can always find a bright side - at least when I am not in my depressive mode) is that God used the situation in all of it's ickiness. His son Jesus was born from the line of Judah.
So - after years of finding my own way around my fear of failure, can I use this to inspire and cause myself to actually act on my desires to live by my art? I am scared. Because I am pretty sure failure will destroy me. But - what if? What if I give it a shot and it works? What if I am able to use what I see as gifts to help in the ways I have always wanted?
What if I do fail and I am at my lowest point ever?
God is gracious. I will hitch up my britches and my idea of greatness will finally be dependent upon my heavenly Father. I have not tried because I know I am not great and I know I will see it and that scares me. But my Heavenly Father is great. And I must put wheels to this faith....no matter where it leads.
I mean - if a baby born of a virgin who was born to save the world from it's sin all from the line of Judah and that crazy story in Genesis 38....anything is possible.