The dailiness of everything, ways to create and cope, help and heal, learn and live!

Friday, June 14, 2019

Everybody loves a story....

and we all have one. Our stories change from day to day. I love to hear the back stories of people and places. One of my favorite things to do when we travel is to look up the weird names of the towns we pass through and see how they got the names. So much fun. So interesting!

But each one of our stories holds the key to why we are the way we are, how we got to be where we are, where we are headed and what drives us.

I have "wallered" in my past. I have wanted to let a moment in time define me. But it was just a chapter. And those hard chapters are best to learn from and move past. Take what you learn, and shake the dust off. Find ways to see those faces that hurt you with joy and supernatural love (love of God - no way I am strong enough to do that), or to use the times you feel you failed as experience for the next hurdle. Gird yourself (encircle with sword - or tools) to defeat the next battle. And what story does not include some kind of battle? It is what builds the character in our faces, they give us the ability to face the future without fear and a chance to offer grace because we know what it feels like to be defeated and to win.

I adore a good story. Mine is of a girl who hoped to sing and lead others in worship and who succeeded at such for a time and who wants to again. One who used her good works as her righteousness and was disillusioned when she found her good works did not mean life would not hold pain. A girl who loved others even when they were not always well loved. And one who trusted unwisely and sometimes very unwisely stepped into situations that would cause her to doubt her faith, to withhold friendship and to be sorry she allowed her hurt to drive her away. And one who found an old friend and married him - her complete opposite, who had three precious boys. But all in all it has been a life full of joy. Though I wish I had fought harder in some cases, I am thankful that God gave me the hard times, so that I can hold out hope to others. And throughout it all there was fun - even in the midst of hurt, there was laughter, and there was love. I was not laid out totally.

I want to encourage those who find themselves in the same place to surround themselves in the fellowship of those who love God  and to be HONEST in their struggles. There are others who are feeling just like you. They need to know they are not alone in their quest to move past the hurt. They need to be encouraged to KNOW that every person despite what their shiny social media stories depict, that there is pain there and they are real people who struggle mightily with the same things you do. We all put our best story forward. I encourage you to be honest about yours. Give us the good and the bad. Don't waller like me - but share it so others can know there is always hope in the midst of the yuck of this life. And there is much joy in this life as well. The yuck kind of helps us enjoy those joyful moments even more.

Share your story with me! I want to hear it!

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Summer Time

I woke up with things bumping into each other in my head this morning. Why do I love pajamas so much? That egg that Grayson cracked yesterday reminded me of how we can look so beautiful on the outside and be so nasty on the inside. I need to get Andy's grill put together so we can grill tonight...or maybe tomorrow night. Should I get the 19 year old up for class or should I just let him stay there...what if he forgot  set his alarm? Oh my gosh - is that the litter box I smell all the way back here?

These things. All like a bowl of spaghetti in my head. Until I rolled my butt out of the bed and looked out the window. Then I thought, those chairs for the back porch should have been here yesterday- I never saw them. I grabbed my phone and tracked it and sure enough it said it had been delivered. Yikes. I never saw them. I poke my head out the front door and there they are. And I have to put them alllllll together. Along with Andy's grill. phth.

But OH MY GOODNESS! IT IS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!

I cannot tell you enough how much I love summer. And I love it in all of it' moods. Sunny and beautiful. Cloudy and humid. Sunny and humid. Thunderstorms are really lovely.

At least at the beginning. Summer is a stunner. It makes my heart skip.

As a paraeducator for special needs - both self contained and inclusion, I need a chunk of time to recharge my batteries. To dream. To read. To let my imagination wander down pathways - meander even. I love to meander. I am a meanderer. I just am not always able to do that. Even though it feels like my normal state. So needless to stay 9 months of full gear tend to wear me down. I pour myself into my job. Because I love it. But it can make me an emotional mess. Working with people - adults can be so hard. Women - you especially - certainly not all of you- but yeah - maybe all of you - dang girls...you  gotta' get those insecurities under wraps. Of course I am talking to myself. My insecurities run RAMPANT. I think honesty kind of helps. Just let it out. Tell people your foibles.

SO THAT UP THERE....that is what it is like in my head all the time. I have to restrain it and redirect it constantly during the school year. But in the summer - I have time and space to let it go. And it is delightful.

I watch TED talks and read lots of stuff. Good stuff and bad stuff. I ponder and I act on things I have wanted to get done. The time my mind stays focused and doesn't run around like a chicken with its head cut off is when I am reading, writing, or watching movies. So I do a lot of that. I clean my house knowing once school starts it will be 9 months before it gets cleaned again. I organize and throw away, give away, re-organize - hoping that I will finally find the key to keeping things where they are supposed to be - (good luck girl -rolling my eyes).

But SUMMER...lets me roam. I don't have to get it all done. I let myself off the hook to enjoy moments that come up. I can take on too much sometimes. But normally that is not a bad thing. I make it harder than it has to be most of the time.

But my heart is thankful for it. And I enjoy it so. It really does make me better for the coming school year. I know that the students and I need it desperately!

So - here's to summer. Enjoy every minute. Happy meandering...if that's your thing. ;)





Saturday, November 17, 2018

Things being what they are....

We are all a little insecure. I see it every day. I struggle with it every day. I see it in friends who walk up on others and hear them discussing them - or not discussing them but they think they are. I have been there, had that happen. That uncomfortable silence as everyone is trying to adjust the conversation to seem less like they were not talking about you. Or maybe they weren't.

Perspective. That is the key. I have done that to other people. So do I have a right to be upset when someone does it to me? Not really - but feelings are still feelings - and they hurt when we feel betrayed. But the fact is - we are not always lovable. I am not always lovable. I can be bitchy, and sarcastic, and a know it all...and others know it. It behooves me to be self aware.

I have become pragmatic in my old age.

The other day I was in a foul mood. And I said some things about others I shouldn't have. I heard them over and over again in my head that night. My comforter and conscience (Holy Spirit) was nudging me. I had to go in to work and apologize to people for saying things that were not accurate. They wanted to excuse it - by telling me what they heard. I told them I appreciated it - but it was nothing other than discontent and sin on my part and I was sorry - to please forgive me. I hated every minute of it. I was embarrassed and felt that it was just one more reason to dislike myself. BUT - when it was done there was an amazingly clean and free feeling that took over those dark thoughts.

I have a friend who shuts down my curiosity EVERY. TIME. I am always a little miffed at that. But she is right.  Her response to me is "That is not my story to tell". And quite frankly the first few times she did it I was like, "Huh. Really. Aren't you something?". That was internally by the way - and it was with a snarky attitude. Blech. I am so ugly sometimes. BUT - she is not wrong. But me being me - I will probably fight that battle the rest of my life. I keep thinking I will grow out of this puppy stage....

BUT - things being what they are...I am glad I am aware of my failures. I pray God moves me from this place to be better. I want to be real, to be loving, to be kind. Talking about others is not any of those things. Well - it is real - but there I go with that darn circular thinking. When I say real - I mean - vulnerable - open to being corrected - letting others see my faults but also see that I want God to work those icks out. Not settling by using a "keeping it real" attitude as an excuse for not trying harder to be more. I do not want to be self-righteous or plastic. The whole setting myself up on a pedestal is not acceptable. I fall way too much to do that kind of thing.

I guess my whole thought process here is - when it comes right down to it, talking about people is wrong. But when you do  - say your sorry. Try to not do it. And don't use excuses to keep from having to apologize or to keep wedging your big ol' nose in there to find out the scoop.

Totally talking to myself. If you see you in there too - well - you do you. (wink. heart. smile)

God bless and keep us all!