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Saturday, November 17, 2018

Things being what they are....

We are all a little insecure. I see it every day. I struggle with it every day. I see it in friends who walk up on others and hear them discussing them - or not discussing them but they think they are. I have been there, had that happen. That uncomfortable silence as everyone is trying to adjust the conversation to seem less like they were not talking about you. Or maybe they weren't.

Perspective. That is the key. I have done that to other people. So do I have a right to be upset when someone does it to me? Not really - but feelings are still feelings - and they hurt when we feel betrayed. But the fact is - we are not always lovable. I am not always lovable. I can be bitchy, and sarcastic, and a know it all...and others know it. It behooves me to be self aware.

I have become pragmatic in my old age.

The other day I was in a foul mood. And I said some things about others I shouldn't have. I heard them over and over again in my head that night. My comforter and conscience (Holy Spirit) was nudging me. I had to go in to work and apologize to people for saying things that were not accurate. They wanted to excuse it - by telling me what they heard. I told them I appreciated it - but it was nothing other than discontent and sin on my part and I was sorry - to please forgive me. I hated every minute of it. I was embarrassed and felt that it was just one more reason to dislike myself. BUT - when it was done there was an amazingly clean and free feeling that took over those dark thoughts.

I have a friend who shuts down my curiosity EVERY. TIME. I am always a little miffed at that. But she is right.  Her response to me is "That is not my story to tell". And quite frankly the first few times she did it I was like, "Huh. Really. Aren't you something?". That was internally by the way - and it was with a snarky attitude. Blech. I am so ugly sometimes. BUT - she is not wrong. But me being me - I will probably fight that battle the rest of my life. I keep thinking I will grow out of this puppy stage....

BUT - things being what they are...I am glad I am aware of my failures. I pray God moves me from this place to be better. I want to be real, to be loving, to be kind. Talking about others is not any of those things. Well - it is real - but there I go with that darn circular thinking. When I say real - I mean - vulnerable - open to being corrected - letting others see my faults but also see that I want God to work those icks out. Not settling by using a "keeping it real" attitude as an excuse for not trying harder to be more. I do not want to be self-righteous or plastic. The whole setting myself up on a pedestal is not acceptable. I fall way too much to do that kind of thing.

I guess my whole thought process here is - when it comes right down to it, talking about people is wrong. But when you do  - say your sorry. Try to not do it. And don't use excuses to keep from having to apologize or to keep wedging your big ol' nose in there to find out the scoop.

Totally talking to myself. If you see you in there too - well - you do you. (wink. heart. smile)

God bless and keep us all!

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