Sunday, April 18, 2010

Disengaged

It seems to me when life gets hard, when I can't control the bad, when things become overwhelming for me, I back out of it. I find a way to tuck myself safely at home and practice avoidance. I avoid other's sorrows, other's overwhelmedness, other's happiness, other's lives.

I don't think this is a bad thing necessarily. Sometimes it is good to back off a little. Finding a way to get alone and delve into the Word is restful and can revitalize an overwhelmed soul. But that is not my tendency. I tend to turn inward and become very selfish.

I disengage from everyone. I turn inward. I lose fellowship. I fall in a black hole. I become sorrowful and I lose hope.

I find that I lose sight of my salvation. I lose sight of God's love and provision for me. I cannot see my way past my own struggles - with the very large and overwhelmingly difficult things all the way down to the smallest of insignificant blips. Everything is hard. Getting up and getting dressed becomes a major issue. All I want to do is sleep. Many is the time I have longed to fall asleep and never wake up. It would be okay with me.

I know this is a chemical thing mostly - and as I have said before it is also a temperment kind of thing - Missy "swings like a pedulum do" (referring to the song by Roger Miller about England EnglandSwings ) I am somehow rigged to go from highs to lows in an unbelievably short amount of time.

The one thing that reassures me in my bumpy, little life is the far reaching hand of God. He pulls me from those lows everytime...and after many, manymanymany years of this struggle - and His constancy - I am sure he will continue to do so. My thankfulness when I emerge with His help is usually found in re-engagement. It is a wonderful thing.

Today - I have decided to be thankful to my heavenly Father that I am out of the depths and glory in the busy life that is now mine - for I am no longer disengaged -

but engaged.