The Decision

It happens every day. Every moment of every day. We make decisions to move forward and do what we need to. To get out of the bed and get about our work. To eat that piece of candy or not to (especially around Valentines - we KNOW we are going to have to put on that bathing suit in a few months - but it's CHOCOLATE...) So we make the decision...probably hundreds a day.

The decisions I make can either bless or curse me. Some blessings are easy and fairly mild - some have a bigger effect and can be exciting. Same with the curse... it can be shrugged off or it can crush.

Every once in a while I have to make a decision. I used to think I did not have control over this decision. I thought it just happened to me and that I had to work through it and do the best that I could in the circumstances. I am starting to believe that I was wrong.

There have been times where I was overwhelmed and would fall into a depression. Meaning I would go to bed and stay there. For days. I could not cope with whatever was at hand. I simply threw up my hands and gave in to the idea that whatever was going on was more than I could handle and I would retreat from life. My excuse was a generic "I don't feel well". My husband pegged it many times but I ignored him and stayed there in the bed until I felt I could re-engage.

I have since come to the conclusion that I made a decision to give in to my depression. Do I think this is what happens to everyone who has this problem? I cannot speak for them. I know there are chemical imbalances that cause problems for people - but in my case - it is absolutely a decision I make. Knowing my personality as I do - the manic part of me is happy and industrious and when something comes along and tears down my house of cards I hit the skids and fall into the abyss. It's a personality thing. But I don't think I have to fall into the abyss.

My example: Last week we closed on the refinancing of our house. It gave us two months to use the mortgage for whatever we chose to. I was so excited, because it was going to relieve my heart and mind on things we needed to do that had just been hanging over me for months. So when smoke started billowing into the van yesterday at lunch - yes - I said IN THE VAN - and out from under the hood....I was so sad. I cried. My plans had been thwarted and as I made dinner last night I HEARD MYSELF SAY (of course it was in my head) "I don't know why I even try". I went to bed at 9:00PM with no intention of getting up again the next day. My spirit was tired. My heart was heavy. I made a decision to give in. I had a passing moment of "God may be using this...", but at that point I just wanted to sleep.

In the early dawn hours as I laid awake listening to Biscuit hum in her sleep, I realized that I could make the decision to trust God. To tell him my fears. To place this burden of the van on him (because that van is also a blessing) and trust that he would get us through this. At least we had the extra money to pay for whatever the problem is. And honestly - I had transportation. My mother-in-law called and told me I could use the truck. Which is a blessing - because I could use it to haul some stuff to Hannah Home and such...so really - there was no reason for me to be sad, or overcome by that spirit of depression. Though I wanted to. So, I asked God to help me be strong, to trust him in this situation and to help me to do what he needed me to do in this day. I rolled out of bed and moved forward. I decided I wanted to write it down because I need to be held accountable in this.

I remember reading in My Utmost For His Highest many years ago something that has stuck with me - I found it online (what a treasure!) http://www.myutmost.org/04/0416.html
"....don't say - "I'll do it"; do it! Take yourself by the scruff of the neck and shake off your incarnate laziness. Laziness is always seen in cravings for the high hour; we talk about working up to a time on the mount. We have to learn to live in the grey day according to what we saw on the mount."

I thought of this in the wee hours and feel it fits this situation amazingly well. So - I am "taking myself by the scruff of the neck and shaking off" - in this case - my incarnate selfishness. I will learn to live in the gray day according to the vision God has given me in the moment of enlightenment.

So this day I am making the decision not to do what the people of Israel did in Jeremiah 7:
....22 For when I brought your ancestors out of Egypt and spoke to them, I did not just give them commands about burnt offerings and sacrifices, 23 but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you. 24 But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward.

I decided to walk in the Spirit. To wake up and to heed God's prompting to trust him in this. To live in joy this day for my salvation is sure and I have everything I need. My children have everything they need. It is wrong of me to want to give up for such a little thing...but so easy to do.

But God's gift of the Word...
Galations 5
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

God is good. Once again - I am satisfied. The decision to trust God instead of giving in is a blessed one. If something goes against my plans again - and it will - I pray that I continue to make the decision to look to God rather than giving in to my own selfish indulgences. It is useless. I would much rather walk with the Spirit and have my time here accomplish something...giving in to self pity is worthless. Praise God that he has given me a way out...