Silver Lining

You know, in every hard thing - there is always a way out. It seems to me that God has always made a way for me to handle the things that I think will be the hardest.

So many things that I have loved are no longer there. I have not considered them much of a sacrifice until the last few months. Probably because I have felt so lost lately.

I loved Mobile, never intended to leave. And yet I did. I loved my church in Mobile, had every intention of staying there my whole life - I loved being a member there. I was surrounded with people that "got" me. I loved singing - it was truly a passion - now, I only sing in the car or in the bathtub. I loved being at home with my children. And yet, here I am working full-time.

Each and every one of those things was an identifier for me. It was how I defined myself. I am a Mobilian. I am a Baptist. I am a singer. I am a full-time mother. I loved each one of those things passionately. As each one was lost, I felt more and more transparent. I could no longer see myself. I felt lost.

I have been so caught up in the hardness of work, or duties at home, of the boys activities and homework that I haven't always been able to see the good that comes from each one of them.

I have made unhealthy substitutes that are not in my best interest. I have been miserable. I put on the happy face. I tell my friends, "It will be fine". And honestly, I am coping. But who wants to just cope?

Last week I stopped by a co-worker's office. She told me about a book she was reading and how God was using it for her to share the love of God with others. In her conversation I heard a sincere desire to serve others well, to love others well. Her words of encouragement were such a help to me. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the life buoy she lobbed at me - probably without knowing it. She handed me this tiny card and said, "Have you ever used these? They are amazing".

It was a tiny little card to write your prayers on. I took it, hugged her and moved on. I looked at that little prayer card for a couple of days. When I went back in on Thursday morning, I wrote a short prayer. "Convince me you love me Lord".

I don't think that little card was anything more than a gentle nudge to go before God with my heavy heart. But I think that small nudge helped me be more aware of things. I realized I truly do love my job. I will admit this scares me a little sometimes because when I get home I have very little left to give to my family. But for 8 hours a day, I enjoy what I do. I absolutely love the people I work with in my department. And we are all women. Not completely drama free but a wonderful group of women. Not many people can say that.

My boys have friends that have precious moms. God has given me fellowship in areas I never expected to find it. I have been uplifted and loved well by these precious sisters in Christ. They have come about me and lifted me up, especially in this last week. How very thankful I am to them! I am loved. And very well loved at that.

Friday morning another co-worker dropped by my office. She proceeded to tell me about God's hand in her life. I sat amazed as I listened to her faith in God in obvious hard times. And how she is content and knows God's love. She knows nothing of my situation. God obviously moved her to come in there. I have been there three months and we have never exchanged more than a good morning or a how are you.

For the last few months, though I have seen how blessed I am in God's provision for me and my family (we have all that we need, we are healthy - PRAISE GOD!) I have felt disconnected. I have felt unattached and that God had left me to drift.

But upon reflection, it seems that God took away those things I identified with, in order to make me see what my true identity is. His child. First and foremost - without question - it is the one thing that is foundational to my life. Those other things mean nothing if they are not based on my belonging to my heavenly father.

I forget that.

I am not through all of this yet. I know I will still flounder. But I am more encouraged than I have been in so very long. Thank you to those friends who have allowed God to use them in such amazing ways. Thank you God for loving me enough to strip it all down and get down to the bare bones of the problem.

There is always a silver lining...I just have a tendency to focus on the dark parts.

1 Corinthians 10:12-14
12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it

The Only Thing To Fear...

I sat and watched show after show last night. They depicted the horrifying scenes that I can't forget from September 11, 2001. That was a day that will be forever marked in history. A horrible thing for the United States and especially those who lost loved ones in that horrible event.

It also made an impact on me. It was the beginning of a very real feeling of being unsafe. We had been invaded by people that hated us - for no other reason than being American. I remember that carved out feeling of fear...of my world never being the same again. I was prickly and insecure about my future and that of my children.

My Mom called me and told me that my Dad had stage 2 testicular cancer and was going to have to have surgery and go through chemo. Again my world was shaken. It made no sense that there was a possibility I would lose my Dad. There were many hours of extreme fear and crying to God for my Dad.

Katrina blew into New Orleans over two hours away from my parents river house in Mobile. When they called me and told me that the river house was gutted, I couldn't believe it. It was a mess. I went down to Mobile on my own and was heart-broken at the sight of my parent's home. I mourned the loss of a place I had grown up. The fact that something so far away could totally destroy my parents home was horrifying to me.

When Obama became president, I was scared. The images that the talking heads placed in my head made it hard for me to sleep at night because of the insecurity that change brings. And he was bringing change, there was no doubt about it.

Commercials even started scaring me. I feared termites and my dogs dying of heart worms and my children getting swine flu.

The economy took a plunge and I feared that it would impact us, and it did. My husband lost his job, and I had to start working full time. Two things I prayed and prayed that God would never allow to happen...and yet it did.

So where does this leave me as I sit and ponder the turn of events in the last 10 years? I am at a hard place. Have been for a long time. And I keep choosing to put one foot in front of the other and to move forward the best I can. I keep clinging to that tiny grain of faith that has been given me and I berate myself for the lack of it's strength and growth.

You probably see a consistent theme with me and it seems to be struggle. I am no different from anyone else I guess. It seems that other folks deal with things better than I do. It seems they look to God and bravely shoulder through the difficulties. I feel like I am wallowing in my fear and insecurities. I don't even recognize myself somedays.

But one thing keeps coming to my mind.

Romans 8:14-16
14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

If I can believe that God loves me at all like I love my children, then this should be an immense thing to comfort me. Something to cling to when I am afraid. And it seems I am afraid a lot these days.

My prayer will continue to be let me know that you love me like a Father loves his child, Lord. Give me that confidence. I beg it of you.

Sometimes You Just Have To Cry....

Crying is so therapeutic. I am not sure why I hate it so, because I feel so much better afterwards. There are times I feel like crying and I don't know why. Except that maybe something in me knows it would just make me feel better.

I haven't cried in a while I think...

But today - I think I just needed to. I wanted to when there was a horrible three car wreck that missed me and the boys by inches - but I didn't. I felt like it after I took my 7 year old to meet his teacher and we found out the car was messed up and we had to take it in to the dealership...just a week and a half after we had to do the same to the other one...but I didn't. I felt like it when I came home after working until 6:00pm, knowing I still had to cook dinner, wash a load of clothes, make lunches, dry the clothes and iron clothes for tomorrow and get things ready for football tomorrow....but I didn't.

I sat down finally at 10:00pm and I watched the last part of P.S. I Love You and cried my eyes out. Cried and cried and cried and cried.

I CANNOT tell you how much better I feel.

But I hate to cry.

Divine Appointment

I haven't thought about occurences that appear to be "Divine Appointments" for a long time. It was one of those catch phrases that got overused and I quit using it because it seemed cheesy for some reason. Not the process....just the phrase.

Okay - since it has been a while...I looked up the definition...because this phrase has popped into my brain unwillingly so many times this summer.

Dictionary.net says an appointment is: a meeting arranged in advance. So Divine appointment would be a meeting arranged in advance by GOD. I have had these. This summer.

Talking in the bathroom to a team mates mom, I got a job - no interview. AND the job is wonderful. I love it. That HAD to be a Divine Appointment.

That is pretty amazing and quite exciting in and of itself...but this next one is so much fun and gives me such hope. And we all know that hope is a wonderful thing. This story has many levels that seem to be focusing toward a single happening, so try to stay with me. I get a little wordy when on a tare...patience please. It all happened like this -

Coming home from Crossville, Tennessee, my husband and I talked and talked about an idea we have for a book. It would be a non-fiction work about our travel through Tennessee. We got all excited as we talked about it. I think it would be amazing. Certainly it was fun to plan it as we traveled through the beautiful country on our way home.

We were planning on stopping in Chatanooga and visiting a couple of our favorite places before catching the Lookouts game at AT&T Field. We stopped and ate at Blue Plate Diner, one of our favorite haunts there. As we were getting ready to leave, a man patted the boys on the head and chuckled and my thoughts were, what a sweet man, when my husband said, "That's Tommy Lasorda". Nah....really? I asked the cashier and she said yes, so I grouped the boys (that includes my husband) and encouraged them all to go say hello to him. He was THEE nicest man. He talked to the boys, signed a Hall of Fame card with his name on it to each one of them. I thought it was amazing that he took the time to shake their hands, tell them to grip firmly and look the person in the eye as they greeted them...made them practice it with him and wished them his best. HOW THRILLING!

So we were buzzing as we walked in the rain to our next favorite haunt, Rock Point Books.

We were amazed and happy to see MoonPie had a nice area there that we had never seen before. So we browsed the books and fun t-shirts and such and I bought the boys an RC Cola and a MoonPie - because really - it is such a rite of passage for a southerner. We sat down to eat and amazingly enough there was a radio program being broadcasted - live. So we got a free show while eating - which was so much fun.

It was David Magee, who is an award winning columnist there in Chatanooga. His show was entertaining and educational and he was truly the nicest guy. He was talking about Tommy Lasorda being in town and how they were going to have him on the show but Tommy didn't have the time. So J went up to him during a commercial break and showed him his signed card from Tommy. He let J, S and G hold up their cards signed by Tommy Lasorda and showed the boys on his NATIONALLY syndicated program. Thrilling for me...because I am such a glory hog. Can't help it - seems to be hard wired.

He signed a book of his for us called, MoonPie-Biography of an Out of This World Snack. Seriously, it is a great book about the history of the MoonPie and the bakery there in Chatanooga. He thanked us for coming to the show and we walked out all excited about our great day. We went to the game, watched Tommy (because in my head I know him now) as he got inducted into the Chatanooga Hall of Fame and whooped and hollered as the Lookouts played their game and lost in 14 innings to the Diamond Jaxx. Still - pretty happy about our day - we headed home.

Now, today I sat down to blog and look up the website for David Magee, I find that not only does he own Rock Point Bookstore, he is THE FOUNDER of Jefferson Press - look what it says about this publishing company - "We specialize in regional books, with an emphasis on nonfiction categories such as history, travel, folklore, and biography."

Okay - really - even if this does not happen - how cool is even the possibility of pitching my husband's and my idea to this company?

It is absolutely delicious. And it is another Divine Appointment. It makes me giggle.

Oh how the years, months, days, minutes, seconds....go by

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and I made a comment about how fast the week was going. She replied, "That's good isn't it?" I think I made some half hearted comment agreeing with her, but in truth, I really don't want it to go by quickly.

I find myself saying things all the time about how glad I am it's 4:00pm or that it's Thursday - but I don't really mean that. Instead I want to enjoy every minute. Or at least appreciate every minute.

It seems that only yesterday I was kissing those sweet baby cheeks of my boys and holding them here at home...and it doesn't do for me to dwell on those days, because I find myself spiraling downward into that funk I seem to get stuck in so often. I miss those days. As frustrating as they may have been, I don't remember that. I remember how content I was. I would like to look back on these days and feel the same way...but I want to make them the best days they can possibly be. I don't want to look back on them and be sorry I didn't redeem the time better. I can't be sorry for where I am right now. God has placed us in this position for a reason. I feel sure of that.

So, my question is, how can I make my few hours at home with my boys each evening the absolute best they can be? Having to work around dinner, football, chores and such and then that precious hour or two where I can just enjoy my sweet boys and husband?

I am asking God to give me wisdom, and discernment. I need the energy to get the things done that I need to, and I need the wisdom to know when to stop and focus on the important things. Looking back and wishing things were different is not going to make it better.

Taking the time out to plan my day and do my best to get to what matters most is my goal. And what matters most is honoring God with my time...living that before my boys, placing it all before the housework and whatever other thing I think defines me (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids (HA)...), because really - it doesn't matter.

Ecclesiastes 1:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow

And I could bemoan this text and wallow in it and let it sooth me that it all meant nothing...

But I choose to see it as someone who allowed himself to lose sight of the important things. To learn from it and realize that all of these things that I have wanted in the past (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids...(HA) ) really meant nothing. I loved those days of being home and my work being all about my home. And thought they were wonderful - the times that counted were the ones I was investing myself in friends, and in my family. Those days that I sought the face of God and passed some small grain of wisdom that has or will one day take root in their lives. And that is not over just because I am working full time. It can still be accomplished. I just have to keep my sight right.

Oh how the years go by....all of those increments of time - like sand through my fingers...but I am determined that I will continue to hitch up my britches and thumb my nose at those things that would keep me from living rightly before God. Keep on. But keep on always remembering and aiming for what matters most. It's a good question to ask.

I asked for it with fear and trembling. God answered and there was peace....

My prayer has been to expose my sin. Expose the things that need to be made right.

And it was scary. So scary.

Being a people pleaser is hard in that so many times my own perception of myself is reflected in others happiness with me. It is so wrong. But it is my "go to" process. I do it without knowing it.

This process of mine causes undue importance on so many things that are so not important.

I asked God to reveal it - and I said I would trust him through it.

And he did. There is some pain there. There is disappointment in me there. I am sad for this. But I am clean before my Lord and my sights are no longer horizontal...

they are vertical.

Horrid process...and yet there is peace. The Light has revealed what needed to be seen and I do not have to fear anymore.

God is so good. It's not all better yet. I am going to have some hard times. Some really tough moments I feel sure. But my prayer is that I keep my gaze up - tracing the heart of my beloved Savior - walking in his light and trusting in him to give me my worth.

Thank you God. Please let it be so.

Something Great

Do you ever get the feeling you're not doing enough? Maybe you are doing a whole lot - so busy you can hardly think but what does it count for? Is it a clean house? Is it accomplished children? As nice as these things are, I am still not convinced they are enough.

My pastor has encouraged our congregation to step out and do something great for God. Many times. And I still have yet to do that. I have all kinds of ideas but it seems to me at the core of every idea is a selfish motive.

I want to be self-less. I want to do something great that has nothing to do with me. I want to be so emptied of my selfishness that I step out and do something amazing that is totally for the benefit of someone else and the glory of God.

I don't know what yet. But I am asking God to help me. He has been weeding and it is painful - wouldn't it be totally amazing if all of this was preparing me to do this great thing - whatever it is? Well worth all of that weeding.

I really don't like to weed or be the weedee for that matter...but would I consider it worth it if it meant I could accomplish this great thing for God?

I would think so.

I would think so.

HE WHO OVERCOMES SHALL INHERIT ALL THINGS....REVELATION 21:7

This is not what I thought it would look like...but okay

A few weeks ago in the busy-ness of All Star Baseball times two, I talked with another baseball mom in the bathroom. In passing I managed to tell her about taking the test for my insurance certification a few years ago. She immediately told me there was an opening at her job. I said okay like I had to many other people who told me about job openings. I did not take it seriously. I went on about my own business...summertime with my boys.

The next day she texted me the girls name and number I should get in touch with for the position. Once again I shrugged, called the girl, left a message. She called back. She asked me when I wanted to start.






Um








Confusion, disbelief, uncertainty and a flood of questions started jamming my mind. I stuttered a quick explanation of finding child care, and such...and said I would get back with her as quickly as I could. I talked to my husband and he gave the thumbs up immediately. He talked to his dad and my sweet daddy-in-law said they would take the boys 3 days of the week. I called my neighbor and she said she would take them the two remaining and after school during the year.







Huh?








This was so not what I had planned. And yet here I was...about to start a full-time job. I cried and cried. If I started talking about it I cried, when I thought about it I cried. I had hardly any time to reflect though. I told her yes on a Friday - I started working Tuesday of the next week. So fast.

I could not have done much less to get that job. A simple call and here I was, a full-time working mom. But I went in to work and started doing what they needed me to.

I loved it. The work was fun. I picked it up easily. I love the the people there. It is laid back and the folks all seem to enjoy each other. It is not a drama free place. No place with that many people working there is...but all things considered. I could not have found a job that pays this with a better environment. I consider myself blessed.

My boys have been the most amazing part of this. They seem to be so happy and at ease with this new task I have taken on. No one has complained. No one seems to be put out or uncomfortable with this...amazing.

God - this is a new era for me. I am praying that I will walk carefully - that my spiritual eyes will stay open and aware of the needs of my kids as well as my husband. That I will not be too worn out to come home and enjoy my children.

I have changed my thoughts on working full-time. I now consider it a place of encouragement for those who are like me and need to do this. I have always said I have been placed on this earth to make others feel better about themselves. I do not say that feeling sorry for myself...I say that meaning it. If I am serving well by encouraging others in the Lord with my working - then I will consider myself very blessed - and thankful for being used.

And I am helping with our income.

Thank you Lord. Keep me right. Keep my eyes on you....





and off to work I go!

Thoughts

Heaven is not a vacation resort. It is where redeemed human beings will manifest the potential and destiny for which they were created--to the glory of God. -- David Jeremiah.


I have thought and thought......and thought and thought and thought about this quote.

I am absolutely ashamed to say that I have doubted there is a God to glorify....a lot lately. It seems my selfishness and my inability to process the blessings that my life has been filled with and continues to be filled with has caused my faith to falter. I cannot go to church without crying the whole time.

And the fact is - I would love to expound upon the list of woes that make me doubt that there is a God, and that if there is, that he loves me. But upon reflection - it is a trite list. It is full of embarrassing comparisons and absolutely brings me to the end of me. And at the end of me every time...there is still something there...it is tiny. Tiny. And I do not always recognize it. I mostly have shrugged my shoulders and moved on for the time.

But I finally realized what it was.

Faith. My hope in the faith that has been given me, is what keeps me going. This tiny mustard sized grain is not of my doing. If it was, I am pretty sure I would have destroyed it.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My mountain is obviously this life that has been given me. It is a blessing. I do believe that. And though it is exceedingly difficult (for me) at times, I pray God will continue to let me see that tiny seed of faith grow. I pray that this person that I have allowed myself to become - will be stronger, will be grateful, will be thoughtful, will put her trust in God...even when things get hard. I do not want to live in fear of the next bad thing. I want to live in freedom...freedom from the fear that clips my wings and strands me in such a low place.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

...Freedom will have to have it's own blog spot....but I am looking forward to writing about it.