Thoughts

Heaven is not a vacation resort. It is where redeemed human beings will manifest the potential and destiny for which they were created--to the glory of God. -- David Jeremiah.


I have thought and thought......and thought and thought and thought about this quote.

I am absolutely ashamed to say that I have doubted there is a God to glorify....a lot lately. It seems my selfishness and my inability to process the blessings that my life has been filled with and continues to be filled with has caused my faith to falter. I cannot go to church without crying the whole time.

And the fact is - I would love to expound upon the list of woes that make me doubt that there is a God, and that if there is, that he loves me. But upon reflection - it is a trite list. It is full of embarrassing comparisons and absolutely brings me to the end of me. And at the end of me every time...there is still something there...it is tiny. Tiny. And I do not always recognize it. I mostly have shrugged my shoulders and moved on for the time.

But I finally realized what it was.

Faith. My hope in the faith that has been given me, is what keeps me going. This tiny mustard sized grain is not of my doing. If it was, I am pretty sure I would have destroyed it.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My mountain is obviously this life that has been given me. It is a blessing. I do believe that. And though it is exceedingly difficult (for me) at times, I pray God will continue to let me see that tiny seed of faith grow. I pray that this person that I have allowed myself to become - will be stronger, will be grateful, will be thoughtful, will put her trust in God...even when things get hard. I do not want to live in fear of the next bad thing. I want to live in freedom...freedom from the fear that clips my wings and strands me in such a low place.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

...Freedom will have to have it's own blog spot....but I am looking forward to writing about it.

Daddy makes a dream come true...

I love horses. Something about them just appeals to me - I love the way they smell, the way they sound, the way they feel. I never outgrew it like some girls.

I have a sweet story. I wanted a horse more than anything in the world when I was a little girl. I read every book there ever was about them. I never really hoped to have one. I lived in the city and my family was blessed with all we needed but we did not have a lot more than that.

On my 10th birthday, my Daddy took me to the back yard and there was a shetland pony. White with brown spots, a long mane and tail. So pretty. Smelled so good. I named HIM Crystal. I really don't know why. I had him in my back yard in the middle of the city for a whole weekend. The neighborhood kids thought I was amazing. I loved my pony. He was beautiful...and he was my dream come true. My Daddy cried when he had to take him to our friends farm in Hurley, Mississippi because I cried.

I found out later that my sweet Daddy brought that thing home in our stationwagon - his head out one window and his tail out the other. He ripped the carpet with his hooves but my Daddy was bound and determined to make my dream come true. Not too many girls can say they got a horse when they were little. I did.

Come to find out - Daddy didn't pay a whole lot for Crystal. He was OLD. He made it a couple of years, then died. But I have to say - those two years of going to Mississippi to ride my pony were wonderful. That was a whole lot of trouble for my Dad to go through to make my dream come true.

I can't even express how thankful I am to my Daddy for going to all of that trouble to make me happy. How very blessed I am. Daddy's are so great.

God is so good to give us Daddy's!

Doubtful movie....surprisingly good

Funny thing. Yesterday we took the boys to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Now I must tell you that I have never been thrilled that my boys love these books. I don't believe that the fact that teachers love the books because they make children want to read is a good reason. But my boys love these books. Something about them appeals to these little boys...and some girls to be honest. But - they would read excerpts to me and I would laugh...out loud. Of course I would always tag it with - just because I laughed doesn't mean that is the way to behave. Thinking to myself, "Dang! I should not have laughed at that - so NOT adult of me."

Yes the books can be gross.

Yes they are not always very nice.

But neither are my boys.

Or myself for that matter.

So when my husband suggested going to see it - to be honest - I was not at all that thrilled. But we went - it was at the dollar theater. I didn't really have a good argument.

I watched it. I was grossed out a few times. Just like I am with my boys...and myself for that matter.

When the movie ended...I wanted to stand up and clap. Okay - just remember - my responses are sometimes a little over the top - it's a personality thing. But I loved the movie.

I watch Greg and I am totally upset with him, because he reminds me of myself. Oh goodness. I could almost cry from the feelings this kid dredges up in me. But he totally learns the lesson. By the end of the movie Greg makes the right decision and it makes me so happy! He can actually learn to be wise. To make a decision not based on what he thinks will get him ahead - but he bases his decision on what is right.

Now, the fact is, what is right can be disguised - especially this day and age. But he acts out of a feeling that is totally selfless. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I cannot say enough good things about the redeeming theme of this movie.

There was an underlying simplicity to Rowley, Greg's best friend...and it was a beautiful thing. Rowley was a total dork. But he was who he was and really totally oblivious to what others thought. He was kind-hearted, he was loyal, and he did the right thing. He enjoyed his life without worrying what others thought. Such a wise little character. I love Rowley.


So, I have decided to start trying to be more like Rowley.
.
.
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The cares of this world....

I tend to carry baggage around with me. If you've read back at all on my blog then you know I pack my bags full of stuff and carry it around with me like I want it right there with me - just in case I need it.

I was looking at the picture of the sea snail I posted and just amazed that we could find that kind of life just a few feet from the beach in the shallows off of Destin Beach. Of course I am from the Gulf Coast - it's where I grew up so the Deep Water Horizon disaster has caused me much concern for the beaches and the life that we see there in the Gulf.

Of course we are in the midst of all star baseball and it is full of things I have packed to worry about: sponsors, kids being over-tired, not getting to enjoy our summer (in our usual manner), one child feeling left out, finding time in between to do the things with my business, all of these cause a whole mess of worries I pull out and mull over and over and over.

I find myself wanting to be more like Scarlet O'Hara and telling myself I cannot possibly worry about all of that "stuff" today - I'll worry about it tomorrow. I have always felt she was foolish and she would be the last person I would pick - yet in this one thing - I envy her.

Fact is, and I have struggled with this for quite some time, every day is full of cares and not just the mundane everyday things. Sometimes they are much too big to even see your way around. We found this out last year, when I kept telling myself that my husband's job would be fine. It wasn't. He lost it. And I thought my world was coming to an end.


It didn't.


We made it.


It really was alright.


And I was blessed in knowing that the world would not end. I thought that losing his job was the worst thing (other than things I will not speak out loud) that could happen to me. Truly - it was not. The knowledge was freeing.

I learned something else. To learn to live today. I learned not to worry about tomorrow - because the Bible tells us we aren't supposed to.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Amen, amen.

Realizing something you thought would end your life as you know it, really will not end it - and that life as you knew it might not have been that great to begin with - well - it is absolutely liberating. The way we look at things can make or break a day. Life does go on. How we handle the ick is what we leave our children in visible lessons, once it really is time for our life to end. How we deal with our daily burdens will be passed on to our kids and if we deal with them well - they will know how to deal with the ick well when they have to. This is quite a good thing to leave your children.

So really - the cares of this world are promised to us...we can count on them.
But it doesn't mean that this life is worthless. It actually frees us from being weighed down or surprised when something bad actually happens. It's freeing.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I love the idea of freedom. It is something I am very unfamiliar with. I am a bound woman. I must work harder at leaving all of that baggage behind.

I think Scarlet might not have been as stupid as I tend to think she was.

I will be hashing this out more in days to come.

Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire

For two years now one of my 10 year olds has worked his fanny off to make All Stars. Each year when it has come up I have been both saddened and happy. Sad because this 10 year old REALLY wants it, and when he does not get it - it breaks his heart, which of course breaks mine. Glad comes in when he doesn't get it - because - well for me, it is just one more thing to do and I know it is always more work for the Mommy than you think. Also - it means we really get to enjoy our summer.

So, this year, he has done so great. He has worked hard and the time came for the offer of All Stars and it was given. Hallelujah! What a great thing...over the moon he is so happy. It's all he can talk about. We made it to ALL STARS

His twin brother did not expect to make it on the All Star team. His batting average was not good enough and though it improved dramatically the last few games of the season we knew he would be okay if he did not make it. And this was my youngest's first year to be considered. We really didn't think All Stars would be an option for him yet.

BUT

Little brother made it. How is a little boy who is the only one who did not make All Stars in his family suppose to deal with this graciously? And now, I will not just be working on 1 All Star team - but 2. And one thing they don't really give you is the amount of money it will cost until after you have signed your name on the dotted line. Holy Cow. It ain't cheap. It ain't cheap times TWO!

So, as happy as I am for the two that made it, my heart is heavy for the one who did not. And when I told him, I could see happiness for his brothers in his eyes, and as I reminded him of what we had talked about before the end of the season, about his stats not being good enough to be in All Stars - I saw the disappointment, and the sheen of tears in his eyes.

But that little boy is a trooper. He rallied himself and congratulated his brothers. We have made sure that he will have plenty of places to go and things to do during these 4 weeks of baseball mania. And he seems to have come to peace with it.

I am so very proud of that little boy. Not easy when you are the odd man out.

Life is so hard. Lessons are sometimes so difficult.

But once again, the lessons little league offers are lasting ones. I would much rather them learn to deal with these issues now than when they are older. Learning to lose graciously, or how to deal with situations when they don't go your way is huge.

Character built early into these little lives is such a blessing. And I have to say the character it builds in me is a blessing as well...as painful as it is to go from busy to busier - I just see it as another opportunity to grow. For me and my family.

Of course I could have said no....probably should have said no....but - here we are.

Now, anyone want to sponsor us?


Seriously.

Inspiration

I am thoroughly uninspired. I mean - I look at my house, my job, my kids, my husband - my life - and I am just - done.

With baseball season and then the Music Extravaganza (end of the year music program at school) and then the stomach flu (yuck) - Room Mom stuff, Team Mom stuff, and countless other easy things that should not be that hard to do....I can truly say that I am to that point that I am throwing up my hands. I quit. And I really have.

Of course I just said last week that I decided to be grateful for being re-engaged. But - this happens - to me - every time. My re-engag-ed-ness kind of overtakes me.

I take on too much. It is not always of my doing. I get most of my jobs from there being absolutely no volunteers and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This year, the teacher catches me in the hall and asks me TO MY FACE - who can say no to that?

I guess my question is - how do you keep this from happening?

At this moment I have a husband that is put out with me (he would never SAY he is - but you can tell - and he has a right to be)

I don't think I can fix any of it. And I can't find the gumption to want to. It is a massive mess.

But thankfully - I don't have to. I will hug and kiss my husband and I will tell him I am sorry for this messy house and my uninspired housekeeping. And I will go to bed.

When I lay my head on my pillow, I will ask God to give me good sleep and to help me break down the mess that is my life right now into small easily accomplished pieces.

It will happen.

I Thessalonians 1:
2 We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 3 We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have an example set before me in others. Here I read about the Thessalonians. Their labor was prompted by love and INSPIRED by HOPE in the LORD.

My hope is in the Lord. This mess will get cleaned up. My inspiration does not come from myself. It cannot. I do not have it. I cannot make myself do what I ought some days...but it will be accomplished.

But I don't have to worry about it.

My eyes water and my heart is full when I read:

Isaiah 40:30-31

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Therein lies my inspiration.

Disengaged

It seems to me when life gets hard, when I can't control the bad, when things become overwhelming for me, I back out of it. I find a way to tuck myself safely at home and practice avoidance. I avoid other's sorrows, other's overwhelmedness, other's happiness, other's lives.

I don't think this is a bad thing necessarily. Sometimes it is good to back off a little. Finding a way to get alone and delve into the Word is restful and can revitalize an overwhelmed soul. But that is not my tendency. I tend to turn inward and become very selfish.

I disengage from everyone. I turn inward. I lose fellowship. I fall in a black hole. I become sorrowful and I lose hope.

I find that I lose sight of my salvation. I lose sight of God's love and provision for me. I cannot see my way past my own struggles - with the very large and overwhelmingly difficult things all the way down to the smallest of insignificant blips. Everything is hard. Getting up and getting dressed becomes a major issue. All I want to do is sleep. Many is the time I have longed to fall asleep and never wake up. It would be okay with me.

I know this is a chemical thing mostly - and as I have said before it is also a temperment kind of thing - Missy "swings like a pedulum do" (referring to the song by Roger Miller about England EnglandSwings ) I am somehow rigged to go from highs to lows in an unbelievably short amount of time.

The one thing that reassures me in my bumpy, little life is the far reaching hand of God. He pulls me from those lows everytime...and after many, manymanymany years of this struggle - and His constancy - I am sure he will continue to do so. My thankfulness when I emerge with His help is usually found in re-engagement. It is a wonderful thing.

Today - I have decided to be thankful to my heavenly Father that I am out of the depths and glory in the busy life that is now mine - for I am no longer disengaged -

but engaged.

I Love Our Little League

You all know we are a baseball family. I love it. The boys love it (the biggest one especially). It is the most fun. It is exhausting at times but still, it is a wonderful experience for us all.

Last night I sat and watched 3 teams play a practice game. It is spring break so a lot of our kids were on vacation with their families, so three of the coaches got together and decided to play a game. Which, by the way, is the best way for the kids to practice in my opinion. As I sat and watched each of the players arrive, I saw kids who had been in class together and played on past teams together greeting each other with smiles. They warmed up together. The coaches would chat with the kids and rough up their hair as they passed. It was a good feeling to be back amongst so many of our friends.

Let me back up a bit. When we first started playing baseball, I had no idea what to expect. As a matter of fact, I was dreading the schedule that would turn me into a "soccer mom" for the following months. The first year was exactly as I thought. A lot of work, a lot of competition. No relationships. We left to go to a game and we came back home. I did not like it, the boys did.

So we signed up again. The next year, an amazing thing happened. We got on a team that understood that competition and friendship can cooincide. Very well at that. We had the most wonderful year. What we observed and learned is that the coaches that were on these teams not only wanted their team to do well and succeed. They wanted the other team to do well and succeed. They wanted every kid out there to feel they had done their best and played with their heart. The parents sitting in the stands would be rooting for a friends child on the other team every bit as much as they did their own child.

This seems like a conflict of interest. To be honest it took me a while to understand what was going on. These parents understood that competition is not just about winning. Winning is not the most important thing. Don't get me wrong, these coaches wanted their own team to win. They wanted it badly. They had simply come to a place where they understood as much as they wanted to win, it was not the end all be all of the day. What did give satisfaction is that the two teams played their best. They wanted each one of these kids to understand that their success was not in whether they won or lost, but whether they did their best, treated their team mates and opponents with respect, and enjoyed playing the game. Though winning is great and it is not a game without competition, more important is the child learning the little life lessons that come in abundance in competitive play.

I loved seeing the coaches from the other teams squatting down in front of another teams player and coaching them as well. I loved laughing at them as they joked around with each other and how when one got tagged as he slid into third, the third baseman reached out, helped him up and checked on him, helping him dust off.

I think the attitude can be summed up in a conversation between father and son as the boy walked up to the plate to bat. "Be a hitter", dad said. The little boy replied, "Be a winner". The dad corrected and said, "No, be a hitter".

Yep...I love little league. So much.

With the Spring Comes the Storms....

I was at work the other day. Last Friday I believe is when it was 74 degrees and sunny. Beautiful day. Such happy feelings, sitting there in the sun watching the children laugh and play. Glorious. I was talking to another teacher and she said, " Everyone always forgets that Spring weather brings storms". Oh. She is right.

This week. Storms. Yesterday it rumbled all...day....long....

But I loved it. I loved the fact that it gave me an excuse (weak one though it was) to snuggle up and work at home, thanking God for the excuse. No errands on my day off. Just piddling around the house. It was loverly.

It is much like my spiritual walk. I will come to a sunny place. It seems easy. My faith is strong. It feels wonderful. I glory in my salvation. But out of nowhere comes a storm. But I do not snuggle down in them. I don't sit back and thank God for the opportunity for growth. I fall into a spiritual funk. I resent the hand that allowed the storm and ask "Why?"

I need to work on my spiritual endurance every bit as much as my physical.

I hope next time there comes a storm...I will be willing to thank God no matter if it is what nature or life conjures . Flex the spiritual muscles and stave off the funk. Lord give me strength.

Stick it out...

I have been persuaded by my dear husband to take on a new exercise regimen with him. I said a casual okay, mainly because I didn't think it would happen. But this time he meant it. We are in the process of completing our first week doing P90X.

If any of you have heard of it - then you know it is literally a butt kicking exercise program that soft, mushy people like myself should not undertake lightly.

The first day I did it with little resistence, my main objection being he thought doing it at 8:30PM was a good idea (HELLO...that is MY time and I don't want to spend MY time SUFFERING). But we did it. And I hated it. HATED IT. I am having to capitalize to make it clear my resentment of this ordeal. It was horrid. The second night he caught me crying in the kitchen. That is not what I intended...but I really did not want to do it. But I did it anyway. And when it was over, I was glad. Not just glad it was over, but glad I did it...even though I hated it just as much. I actually woke up sore all over this morning and think that I will not cry tonight when he comes home getting ready to do it all over again. I am resigned that this is what I need to do.

I am a little surprised that I actually think I might be able to do this. Mainly because I hate exercising at night. It is my lowest energy level of the entire day. I like to sit on my mushy backside and watch my shows at that time of night. I deserve that right? That is such a bad attitude though. I need this. I know it. I did it - two nights in a row - even though I did not want to do it.

This brings me hope.

I am pretty sure that I can do it.

This is good.