Clarity

I dropped into a hole. Nothing was different. Nothing bad had happened. Everything was just the same. And yet I could not sleep and there was this constant buzz in my head that everything was about to fall in on me. The world was never going to be the same, we were not going to be able to succeed as we needed. There were few options open and the ones that were open were going to cause more problems and I could not bear to look there. So, I floundered. I managed to put one foot in front of the other and even to get more done than I thought was possible. I got myself down to Mobile and I rested. I still did not sleep well...but apparently I have become more use to living with little sleep. There doesn't really seem to be a difference. But I do manage to put on a pretty good mask and hide the clawing feeling inside that nothing is right...nothing can be right. I smile and laugh and skim the top of what worries me.

So I think I seem normal...though normal - well, I don't even know what that means anymore. I want normal...but it seems to be a distant memory. Funny thing is - I always expect it is right around the corner and yet it never materializes. My throat hurts from unshed tears...but I am so tired of crying. So it is best to write about it. Hoping that someone somewhere will read it and understand what I am talking about. And maybe just maybe they will find clarity as well.

Clarity. It is something I have longed for. Clear and concise thinking, not befuddled and confused. Sorting out the reasons for the fuzzy thought process has been fairly simple - on the surface anyway. It seems to me there are reasons for it. Could be chemical - depression, could be physical - diet, could be spiritual - sin. Though those three things look me dead in the eye...sorting through them is not so easy...because I am always a sinner. And blaming myself is easy. I know how I struggle. I can't imagine anyone who has a harder time overcoming their pet sins than myself. Though I know that is not true. I hear others talking about their struggles and theirs are just as difficult..maybe more so. The chemical - well...I am still going to find out about that. I have seen the Dr. and will see another soon. This should hopefully - cancel out that possibility. And then there is the physical - eating. Well....this one is next to impossible. I can't seem to discipline myself to do the diet. But I am not excusing this. I will keep on trying.

But what wonderful insight comes in the midst of all this confusion. There are glimpses of crystal clear understanding in the middle of it all. Almost as if I am seeing through the eye of a storm the sky on a cold, dark night...the stars seem close and are breathtaking. Clarity. Clear concise thinking. A view that is unimpeded and makes walking forward easy. I get these. Every once in a while. And they are like wind in my sails. They push me forward and cause me to write constantly for fear of forgetting what I remembered in those fog free moments.

God loves me. He gave His son for me. I am his child and he wants me to succeed. He wants me to be holy and happy - it was how he created us before sin ever came into the world. The tools he has given me are The Word, and His Spirit, prayer and the Body of Christ.

1John 1:

5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I take on that posture of repentance...again. I cry out to God and I am raised up and filled with love...

Colossians 2:

6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. 8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. 9 For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, 10 and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. 11 In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, 12 having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead. 13 When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14 having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. 15 And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

So that I am able to move forward. It is a blessing. I am sure I would be consumed with my problem - whatever it is - if I did not have these moments. I am thankful.

There is a possibility that what I knew as normal never will be again. So that in the hoping for it I am actually causing myself additional stress. Maybe in knowing that this newer struggle for pure thought is normal now, I can somehow make it to the next hole in the clouds and be satisfied.

But I am thinking I would love to have that clarity in a pill. I am not that faithful I am afraid. But with God's help maybe I will be. What I do know is that by laying it all out, by seeking God in Scripture and through prayer...and with accountability of dear friends, I will succeed. And one of my favorite phrases is one moment at a time. That apparently, I can do.