Glimpses of Me

Have you ever seen yourself in a picture and not realized it was you? I saw myself in a photo at Christmas one year...somehow my head had been cut off...and I just looked and looked and kept trying to figure out who it was - until I recognized the overalls and the shirt...then it hit me. That is me...how in the world did I get to looking like that? Funny in a way, scary in another...but mostly sad! Time and age has slipped up on me. My issue is that I am an older person who has younger children. I kind of feel twixt and between two worlds. At my age...my mother had teenagers. I on the other hand am chasing three young children. So as a whole I don't feel old. My body is changing...the pillow wrinkles take longer to fall out these days and my metabolism has skidded to a halt just about...but I do not see myself as I really am. I am always shocked when I see myself in pictures.

But what has really started disturbing me lately is the fact that I am seeing glimpses of myself inadvertantly in conversations. I am talking to people and I am hearing and noticing things I have never really noticed before. I have become flaky. Have I always been this way? Am I just noticing it now? Or is this something that middle age has brought to me? It is a bit disturbing. I talk TOO much and about assinine things. I am pretty sure this has always been...I just never noticed it until recently as I watch people's eyes glaze over while I am talking to them. I have adopted a filler word - and it drives me nuts because it comes out against my will....for example: "The boys have orientation Tuesday and then we will probably go to the pool for a while after that......(long pause) anyway..." Anyway...what is that? I use it ALL the time. I hate it.

These things...well...embarrassed about. Really wish I could change the extreme flake I have become and the constant babble that flows from my mouth. Thinking out loud so to speak. Other people do not need to hear my thoughts on bandaids and chin hair. Quite honestly...I am appalled when I somehow manage to step outside of myself and I hear the blah blah blah coming out.

I guess the main question I have is...is this because I am older and paying more attention to what I am saying and how I am being? Am I (once again) too self involved? How much of it do I try to correct? Or do I try to correct it at all? I am how God made me...should I try to learn to be comfortable with that? Or....should I realign my purpose with God's purpose. Should I control that mouth and those thoughts and become intentional about what I say...what I do...and how much time I am taking to do it? I go back and forth honestly. I want to be "that person" but can I honestly be "that person"? God help me know. Help me change what is not glorifying to you and bag the rest...

I really hope that some day as I am talking to someone the glimpse I get is more attractive...or maybe...just maybe I will be so unselfinvolved that I will not even see myself at all...I will be seeking to serve and uplift someone else to the point that I am not the issue at all...hm.