The Facts of (a more "mature" - dammit) Life

Yes....I said "dammit"....

I just had my 47th birthday. I don't feel 47...sheesh...what am I saying? I feel 47. My head is perplexed though. It thinks I am 25 still.

I love reading where people talk about loving who they have become and how great it is to be sure of yourself as you get older and such a relief not to worry about looks....I think they call it growing old gracefully.

Well....that ain't happening here.

I am quite cranky these days. And though I have often said I would like to grow old and be like "Ousier" from Steel Magnolia's, I would like it to be when I am in my 60's....or 70's thank you very much.

I have had several things punctuate my older status the last several weeks. As if the looming birthday weren't enough I have suddenly gotten an issue with my legs that I did not pay attention to initially. I thought it would be like when I was younger. I ignored it, it went away.

Yeah....not so much anymore. I ended up with a swollen foot and at the ER having to get an ultrasound. Stupid. So stupid! So - lesson: My body requires attention now. I cannot ignore the little things anymore. Got a problem get it checked....I ain't regenerating like I once was.

Exercise. Ugh. Need I say more? I have got to exercise and lift weights because it doesn't matter how much I run around like a chicken with my head cut off....my body has decided that the muscle must deteriorate at a faster rate than before. Which means that the flabby stuff surrounding what used to be muscle is just that much more noticeable.

Drinking water. The heinous thing about drinking water is I need Depends when I drink it like they say I should. Thirty minutes after drinking a glass -  if I sneeze, I pee my pants. Not lovely. But I need it - now more than ever. Same thing with calcium. My bones are leaching it these days. So I need it to keep them strong. And dairy gives me indigestion.

The sun. Not such a friend anymore - and yet I need it to cover up all of the stinking spider veins that are popping up all over the place. Self tanners just don't do it. I cannot stand the way they smell....so I am at a constant quandary over exposing myself to the sun and making the wrinkles more pronounced or smelling like a science experiment.

Lastly - sleep. I cannot do without it. If I only get five hours, I am done for. The whole next day is a wash. I cannot do without sleep. I can't remember my name without sleep.


I am ready and willing to be happy about getting older....I just need a way to make it easier.

If anyone has any suggestions - let me know.

Please. I'm begging you.


P.S. After posting...I was thinking about my plight and though most of this is tongue in cheek and just good natured griping over my body's changes and the passage of time - it is also a reminder as to why we look on the things that are unseen....

 

 

2 Corinthians 4:13 - 18

 

.....Since we have that same spirit of  faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. ¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It's a process....

This last two weeks has been crazy busy. Exhausting. And painful. And convicting. And fun....

I am living. I am very aware of that.

Some life lessons have been underlined for me these last couple of weeks. I am one of the most hard headed people I know. I pray I learn this soon - if I haven't already.


DO WHAT GOD CONVICTS YOU TO DO. Don't put it off. Do it when he puts it in your head. Fast action is his way of keeping you afloat. Putting it off is Satan's way of bogging you down. I have put off God's calling to me time and again. I always have reasons I think he should fix for me before I do it. I think I have it backwards....maybe I should do what he asks first, and he'll help me fix the other things.


GOT A PROBLEM - DEAL WITH IT. I have had some health issues I have put off and put off again. It could have been easily remedied a LONG time ago but I put off going to the doctor. I hate the time I have to wait for doctors. Hoping it will go away doesn't always work. Some things just get worse. Playing ostrich and burying my head in the sand gets me no where. As a matter of fact, it slows me down. For my family - for myself I will do better.


DO NOT CARRY BAGGAGE. This one is hardest for me. I am a people pleaser. My people pleasing tendencies make me feel better about myself. But I cannot please everyone. I CANNOT. So I find myself in a funk for days once I have let someone down. I need to learn to prioritize. Stop when I can to help and not worry when I cannot. God will provide. I am not the Savior. Of course I know this. But sometimes I act like folks can't do without me. I find myself at a loss to think that someone else can do without me....but overall it is freeing. Walk on sister.

 Becoming more mature is painful at times....but it also gives much happiness. It's a process. One that should make us all better and better if we LEARN OUR LESSONS.


                                                   

Thanks for listening.....

It's NOT the coffee....

I have been experimenting with eating whole foods. Well...as much as I can. I am trying to cut down on the refined foods we eat. There are some things that just aren't worth it at this point...but others are much easier. Such as sugar.

The reason for my new foray into the unrefined is this horrible indigestion. Whether it's age or maybe just stress - there seems to be certain foods that just set it off moments after I ingest them.

Coffee is one of them. Or I thought it was coffee.

It's not.

It's the dairy I put in my coffee. I love milk, cheese, dairy - anything.

But it looks like I may be having to sidestep it now and opt for other things.

I love my coffee in the mornings. I love my tea too - and would be fine just drinking it...but I still love coffee.

So - my new found happy to sidestep the sugar is organic, raw blue agave. It is pretty good. It does not give the bad aftertaste like stevia does.

It gives me hope that I can find happiness after giving up the unrefined. Speaking from a "I'll eat anything" standpoint - it used to seem that it would be impossible to find a new norm.

I feel better now.

Do you have food substitutes you have found to replace what you thought you never could?



Let me know about it....I need help!

Mental Prep for the "I wanna's".....

It is All Star season for Little League Baseball. This season is full of highs and lows for me. They are my kids and I want them to be happy. I want them to feel good about what they do. I would LOVE them to win a tournament.

This is my problem.

Of course I want the important things to be taken care of. The important things being:

being kind
working hard
enjoying your work

The not so important thing

winning

And you know good and well...as much fun as it is to get to play for a few more weeks....it sucks to lose.

It. Just. Does.

Of course we can leave happy from a game we lost. We should leave happy from a game that we have lost. As long as we worked hard and gave it our all...it should not be the cause of long faces.

But still...

Human nature. So dealing with the down side is important. I think there is a way to prepare for it.

Instead of LaLaLa'ing my way through each day (which I do a lot), I think preparing myself for the big things is important. I do this with my boys, I should do this for myself as well.

When the boys have situations at school, or at the park, I always talk through the scenarios with them. If this happens what should you say? What should your reaction be? How can you say the right thing? What would be best for you to do in this situation?

Hugely helpful for them to be prepared - to have the tools to deal with the possibilities.

Something I have never tried for myself before.....and it is a little odd because I am a pretty big list maker.

But - I need to prepare myself for my day.

Today:
S's percussion lesson: What will I do? Questions I should ask his teacher? Anything I should thank him for, ask him about?
Call Mortgage company about refinancing. My reactions, my plan if it is not what I thought it should be.
G's game tonight. Kindness and understanding of other teams coaches. Enjoying the kids. Understanding when our coaches scold my baby...or put him in positions that make me nervous.
What should my reactions be? How should I behave?

Well...all but the game should be easy. The game makes me nervous.
But - hopefully by preparing my heart and mind for it, it will be enjoyable no matter what the outcome is.

I think this would work with most things. Going through any scenario and what my preferred reactions should be would give my mind a better path to go down....other than my go to path which is to blow up, get frustrated, embarrass myself....yes, I would love to be a naturally kind, generous and gracious mom. Well...maybe if I prepare it will become easier to react better and better without having to rehearse. But I say it's worth a shot...

I'll let you know how it goes.

Life is hard...

But who wants to wear that t-shirt? We love wearing our "Life is Good" T's and proclaiming it on Facebook when things are so fine. And they really can be.

In our obtuse, finite minds we see a moment as being wonderful and our joy abounds. We proclaim it - in whatever way we feel at the moment. And we are to have grateful hearts! Thankfulness is a great thing.

But - in reality, life is hard. That is why those tiny moments feel so good. So fine. So gloriously perfect. For what frames it, is usually hard. And if it isn't, I think we should be looking at why it is so good. Because it really shouldn't be. It isn't meant to be. Not here. Not now. Our present trouble is meant to cause us to long for heaven.

John 16:³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I live in a bubble. My neighbors are blessed with many worldly goods - as am I. But I see the tragedies, I see that many are in need...and not just of the latest and greatest handbag or shoe craze. Their needs are greater than that. It is of a more basic need. It might be a shoulder to lean on. It might even be food. It might be a ride to the doctor, money to cover a hospital stay. That is just here in this affluent area I live in. Every once in a while - by God's mercy - I am able to see outside this bubble. Even in my hardest moments I do not really understand what it means to need. To lack for my basic needs is not even on my radar. But my gift is empathy. I can imagine and I can absolutely be where I can meet some of those needs - by design. It might be here in my own neighborhood - in this community. It might even mean that I have to step out of my comfort zone and go somewhere. There is a great big world out there.

Much of that great world - the majority of that great world is struggling. I do not know why. I cannot answer why some are in such abject poverty and others are not. It could be me. It should be me if I get what I deserve. I am a sinner - saved by grace. But that is not why I have what I have. Many believers struggle with need.

I am asking God to open my spiritual eyes. We ask for eyes to see what is needed in the folks we meet day to day. We need to have the care to offer it - to see beyond our own comfort, our own schedule, our own struggles to meet those needs that are calling out every day. They are there.

We are called to be God's hands and feet. And much of the time we are failing.

Galatians 5:13-14

¹³ You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. ¹⁴ For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”^[


Praying we are moved to serve....

 

Divergent

We got in from our tournament cross pool play at about 11:30pm last night. I got the boys (my twins were at a friends and the 10 yo had a friend over) showered and settled for bed. I went down stairs and emptied the coolers and treated all the red dirt stains on the baseball pants. I think I fell into the bed around 1:00AM.

I was tired.

My husband and I both kept hitting the snooze button this morning. But he had to get up and I rolled out of bed to make coffee and get things started for the day. The boys were still sound asleep. I had to do something quiet to let them sleep as long as they could. So I picked up the boys summer reading and took a look at it.

Divergent.

It started out foreign to me. Just like all books do. But I soon found myself glued to it. It is the same as usual. I start something with a good story line and I can't quit until I have devoured it all.

Read the whole thing by 2:30PM. That was with stops for breakfast when the two sleepy heads woke up at 10:30AM and then lunch at 1:30PM.

Nothing else accomplished. I loved the book. I have many thoughts about it but I am going to think about it some more before I put it down in black and white.

If you haven't read it....I encourage you to. Fun stuff.

You have to love summer book reading. Though my house does look like it exploded. Not kidding.

Happy Summer.

You should have seen it....

It was a glorious, emotional, vomitous free-for-all.

What am I talking about?

Well.......it was me. Pitching a fit.

Typical summer day. 6 boys, one at VBS, looking forward to the beginning game of pool play for the tournament and I had it all under control.

The six 13 year olds were having a great time. Of course they didn't want the party to end, so one calls his mother and asks if she can come pick them up so they can all spend the night with him. Bells go off in my head. It is the youth group's lake day in the morning they have to be there early. My 10 year old is in VBS and he will be picked up at 8:20AM. It will be tight. I am always overly optimistic about time. But sure - I got this. I will just leave right after the 10 year old is picked up and go get them and pick them up from the friends house and take them on to their youth leader's house.

No big deal.

So I am up and dressed and running out the door. My hands are full of bags with swim trunks and sun screen and 2 bags of chips and brownies. I throw the chips and brownies on top of the car and set everything else down in the front seat. My intention was to get the brownies and chips off the top of the car and place them in the seat so they did not shift and get squished. Something happened in my head that made me forget to do that. Probably the dogs deciding they wanted to go upstairs and my having to go get them back down and secure the door of their pen.

So I get in the car and take off. I pull up in the driveway of my friend and I say hello and she tells me they just got up. They walk up to me. "Good Morning guys". I kind of get no response... "I am starving to death, mom." No problem we'll stop and get something on the way. What is getting me is their hair. And that stuff is not going to go down without some serious water. "Why didn't you brush your hair and your teeth?" They are THIRTEEN - that is why. "Do you want me to take you to John's looking like that?", I ask. There are going to be girls at the lake. I know they do not want to go looking like they do. "No, take us home we need to change". Ummm. It is 8:50AM - we are supposed to be there at 9:00AM. We were already going to be a little late. I have clothes in the car and tell them they can throw those on...but the hair. Dang.

What to do.

Then I realize that I don't see the brownies and chips in the seat next to me. Crap. At a stop light I put the car in park, open the door and look at the top of the car PRAYING those chips and brownies are there. Nope.

So driving home I look all along the route. They are not there. How in the world can I show up LATE without the brownies and the chips I said I was going to bring?

The poo hits the fan. I  explode in the car in front of my twin 13 year olds. I seriously feel like banging my head against the steering wheel repeatedly. I manage to say things like - "DO I HAVE TO THINK FOR EVERYONE?", "SHOULD I HAVE TO CALL YOU AND TELL YOU TO BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND TEETH?" and YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COMMIT ME SOON IF SOMEONE DOESN'T START HELPING ME HANDLE ALL OF THIS MESS". All the while I am still scouting for the brownies in the road. I can replace the chips...but not those delicious brownies.

Let me tell you about those brownies. They were just right. I let them cool before I cut them and they were in perfect squares stacked on the cutest paper plate and I was PROUD of them.

My righteousness on a plate.

So I get home and my husband calls and I am CRYING - no - not crying - I can hardly speak to him I am sobbing so much. I finally get out the words about how late we are and that the BROWNIES are on the road somewhere. He says it will be ok. Get the boys and go to John's.

Some small sanity returns and I mentally hitch up my britches and thumb my nose. I hear a still, small voice ask me what is important.

Well...not those brownies I can tell you that. My boys are scared of me right now. I have one of them (the sensitive one) on the verge of tears himself. I am a raving lunatic over brownies and being late.

Why?

Because it makes me proud of myself. It defines me and I am failing at it.

Plain and simple.

Misplaced my efforts...again.

So I adjust my thinking. I tell them both I am sorry. We get our ducks in a row. I get them in the car and we get to John's. Thirty minutes late.

And guess what?

It is OK.

I have talked to God. I am pleasantly exhausted now. I think I am going to take a nap and start over again in an hour.

  

P.S. I found the brownies in the road on my way home from dropping the boys off. They were face down...a little smushed...but they still were in the bag and they tasted great. Had 3 of them.

 

The way I am....

I have written about this before. I have an overly competitive nature.

It has been recorded here:
So of course I think I know...
and here:
Reconciled
and here:
How's your heart buddy?

I think my favorite expression for it is "wretchedly competitive".

That's me.

Baseball season makes it particularly difficult for me. I lose all sense of reason and have to talk to my husband to find my balance. When I see myself going all sideways...just talking to him gets me back on course. I am so thankful for his "real" outlook(there are times I call it cynical). I have no such thing. Just as a friend's mom told me, I am the balloon and he is my basket that keeps me from flying out into the ozone.

Even when I see skid marks on the ceiling from him throwing the football in the living room and broken rungs on my favorite chair from rough housing with my boys, I am so thankful for him. My oldest child is a blessing to me. (smile)

So - I am in the midst of All Stars and we are playing our National team, which is the team they stack with all the best players (not that my child doesn't deserve to be on it - ahem) we are on the American team. Of course my mom instincts cloud my ability to see straight during these games. I see someone (my boys team mates) safe when they are called out by the other teams "ump". I am running around to the dugout asking my husband if that was true or not.

Now - am I embarrassed to be sharing this with you? Yes.

My intention is to purge myself of this heinous need to be the best - always. It is exhausting. It is also the reason I give up. It is all just too much! There is so much to be done and done well - that I have a hard time managing it all. I really believe that this may be the reason I fall into a ditch so often. I find myself depressed and unable to function at times. I do believe it is because I cannot do it all. And I want to. The fact is - my best efforts fall short of what my mind envisions. It is discouraging to say the least.

Just recently I read that this is a different type of "perfectionism". I have never considered myself a perfectionist...but I think I am - in a way. I have a vision of how things should be in my mind. It is grand and beautiful and when I cannot make it happen, it makes me sad.

But there is no way around it except to get up every morning and do my best with what we have. To temper my expectations and to preach the Gospel to myself. I am not my own salvation. I cannot be or do all that I envision. I forget to take one moment at a time. So - I slow down - get done what I can and not worry about the rest.

And when I find myself getting all strung out over little league all stars
 - remember that it is not being the best that matters. It is the little lessons we learn...not just the kids - but the parents as well.

Ephesians 2:8-10

⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. 

 

It helps to remember that my works are not what save me. It is the work that has already been done. And not by me. By the Son of God.

 

This should relieve some of the burden - but it is something I have to revisit often. I forget so easily.

Here's hoping I do better.

Something ain't right

 

I was talking to my dad just a few minutes ago. He is so amazing. He has just had his third bout with cancer and is gaining strength and making plans. It thrills my heart to see him doing better. He was so sick - and this time his heart was affected - which was scary. But he is getting stronger every day. He is exercising and I love to hear him talk of what we are going to do. Joy. Pure joy.

As we were talking I was telling him about All Stars and how crazy it is. Not just the schedule - that is bearable. Not even being team mom - that is tough - but it is also fun. The thing that kills me is the money.

Good grief the money.

I will be the first one to tell you that God is changing my heart and my mind about the stuff. Money is God's and if I spend it where he would have me to - everything is going to be alright. He has proven his provision for us over and over again . Through two job losses and me not making much of anything these days - God has more than met our needs through friends and family. I have been humbled and thrilled with it all. Which leads me to my problem.

We spend an unbelievable chunk of change on All Stars. Last year we had three playing. It would have easily been a $1000 had we not had help from grandparents and sweet friends whose business sponsored the boys . Bless them. We really are grateful. We are trying to pay it forward.

We are told that All Stars is a reward for kids doing well during the season. And if you know me - you know I love little league baseball. So to extend the season is just a really happy thing. But what they don't tell you before you sign that contract that restricts you to where you buy your uniform and gear, is how much it is going to cost.

I remember the first time one of the kids made All Stars. We were thrilled. Then when we saw the price tag (after we signed the contract) we were dumbfounded. We are blessed above and beyond anything I can ask or imagine - but I will say - it seemed like a sacrifice. But this is our main sport. So we bought into it and had a great time.

This year it has been more than we have ever paid. I am so thankful that only one child decided to play. It would have exceeded $1000 and quite frankly I am already uncomfortable spending that much money on something that is so fleeting. Even with getting sponsorships from local businesses for advertising it seems that we spend too much. But here we are. Playing again and enjoying it.

But back to my conversation with dad. As I was telling him how much the uniforms cost, I was a little floored by what was coming out of my mouth. And quite frankly convicted that we are spending that much money on equipment and uniforms. We already have a bat bag. We already have a helmet. We could have just bought the jerseys and the hat and asked everyone to go get white pants or whatever like we normally do during the regular season and spent a whole lot less. I would have rather spent the majority of our money on really rewarding our players by having fun things for them to do. We do fun things - but we by far spent the majority of our money on things that really don't matter. The jerseys would be enough of a status thing for the kids. They get to advertise their expertise with the new shirts the whole next school year. The vanity thing should be satisfied. I am really not sure about the new bags, and the new helmets. It seems like the this is a kickback to the sporting goods store we bought from and that makes me uncomfortable.

I fear shaking things up. But I fear more allowing this to continue. All Stars seems to have become more of a status thing than a reward for playing well during the season.

That is wrong. My status has nothing to do with money. My worth has nothing to do with money. What am I teaching my kids by perpetuating this thing that sucks money up like a Coke on a hot day? Their worth is wrapped up in accomplishments? In performing well? Heaven forbid.

I don't think that has to be the case at all. I do believe you can do the one without sacrificing the other. But I do think that the amount of money being spent on equipment needs to be addressed. And I think my attitude about it all should be checked and rechecked - over and over again.

We have been blessed with coaches that display wonderful examples for our kids. We love the friendships we have made, but maybe - just maybe we have forgotten what All Stars is really about. These kids would not be affected in the least by not being decked out head to toe in this stuff. I think. Maybe we have indoctrinated them more than I think. What I really have come to believe is that All Stars is more about parents and them wearing their kids abilities like a badge. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being too hard on us all...myself included.

I don't know.

I need other parents to sound off on this for me. Give me your opinions and reasons for them. I want to make this a better thing. Competition is great for the kids. I believe that. We are teaching them to live in a competitive world. This is a great thing....but maybe we should rethink the amount of money we spend on the things that don't matter.

What do you think?

So weird....

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with cramps.....in my FEET. I am not kidding. I think it was those stupid flip flops I wore to work yesterday. I have to squinch up my toes to keep them on. I worked out my feet muscles too much. Who else does this? Am I the only one?

So - after I got up and walked the cramps off, drank some water and went back to bed. I fell back to sleep and I dreamed. I was taking a shower - I have no clue where I was. It felt like a dorm. But people kept coming into the bathroom when I was showering. Just like my kids do. In and out they went. Finally - someone came over and opened up the curtain. It was a family. A teenage boy, his parents and two little sisters...just wait - it gets even weirder. The most strange thing was I was surprised but not horrified. I asked them for a towel and wrapped up and we proceeded to sit down IN THE TUB and chat. I looked at the girls photo albums that they pulled out and asked them questions. I did not know these folks - but I was talking to them like I did and I did it all while WRAPPED IN A TOWEL only. All comfy cozy like little sardines in a tub with people I did not know - they clothed....me - mostly naked. So bizarre.

I am so happy I remembered this dream. It is absolutely hilarious to me and makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

Hope you find something to make you laugh repeatedly today as well.