Now..... WHO's hard to love?

I live my life most days like it is mine. Like my husband and children are duties along with all of the other things I "have" to do. Thankfully I enjoy them. It is a blessing that just is - I love people. People are amazing. Especially my family - and for the most part God has given me the ability to love genuinely and with little effort, most people. Of course there are a couple that come along that are hard to love. I can say that because I am one of those people that make it tough. I believe that I am a difficult friend. So when my counterparts come along - it throws me. I see myself in them and I do not like them. I can love them. I can understand them. But  - wow - it's hard to love them well.

I would say in the past year, God has given me a true glimpse at who I am. It has changed my perspective. Little by little I see things that I did not see before. I am not a lovely person. This was a gift given to me by God. And I know it sounds bizarre, but the gift is, finally understanding that there is no good thing in me - apart from God.
What is so great about this gift is - it gives me humility- and it is hard to look down on others when I see how very sorry I am.  It has allowed me to see that my standard for my friends is high. Very high. I was a slave to that standard myself. And I expected it of my friends. So - when they failed me - I pulled away. Not in a "I am mad at you and never speaking to you again" way. It was a very subtle withholding of my love from them. I did not call. I did not fellowship.

What an egotistical, and nauseating way to live my life. God has called me to a much more satisfying and blessed life than that. I never saw it. I thought I was the best friend EVER. I would have bent over backwards for these folks. And when they failed me, when my standards were not met, I felt betrayed - BY THEM. So in my hurt - I distanced myself. I did this when I was younger as well. But it was not so subtle. It was the ever so clever "You are not my friend anymore" said directly to the face. And I meant it. So - as I got a little older, I saw the error of my ways and fixed what I thought my problem was. You cannot give up on your friends. So I stayed friends with them. I just quit investing myself emotionally into them. Because it hurt when I was let down. See? No change really. Just more of the same. Me. Controlling "my" life. And that is not friendship. Nor is it what God has called me to do.

So - when God gave me a glimpse of myself. I was grossed out. Truly repelled by who I was when I tried to take control. My instincts, my attitude, my abilities - mean nothing when they are not sifted through the loving and capable hands of my heavenly Father - WHO has made me in HIS image. And has given me gifts that will serve me well as the daughter of a King. And there is the dicotomy again - I am unlovely on my own - but made in the image of Christ - apart from him - I am nothing. With him I am lovely.

The gift of humility that was given also gave me a genuine gratitude. God loves me - in spite of my unlovableness. As I am. Oh - he sees the ugly alright. And he loves me anyway. Amazing. I saw how I stomped across people in my desire to be noticed and thought well of - he saw that too and was so sad. I saw how my pursuits each day were for myself alone.  My closet narcissim knew no bounds: the meals I made and took to people - the Sunday School class I taught - when I would sing. It was to glorify myself. To make me feel better about who I was.

When all along, I was so much more than I realized. I still struggle with my selfishness. I forget how ugly I really am. But still God opens my eyes every so often, he still gives me those glimpses and it brings me up short. When I see these things about myself...my loving, heavenly Father opens his arms and bids me come to him - and I do. I linger there...I see the gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and faithfulness. The freedom to live as his child and to enjoy these gifts in full.

How blessed am I?

I am trying to re-engage. To find the place that God wants me to serve. But for the right reasons. Not to please others so I can feel good about myself. But questioning where would God have me be? It's not easy. I feel that people think that I am doing nothing right now. But I cannot worry about what they think. That is part of that "me monster" (thanks Brian Regan) that I cannot stand to see come out. But I know that he will direct me and that he is using me - in the raising of my children as image bearers of their heavenly Father. And he has given me a vast calling on my daily life, in every person I speak to and every task I put my hand to."Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters" Colossians 3:23



Galatians 5:

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.