Well, No Wonder

I am not a perfectionist. I am not a slave to my conscience either. I am not obsessive compulsive. I am. I exist. I do. For others. And that is not as altruistic as it sounds.

What am I talking about? I have realized lately that my people pleasing has become ridiculous. I do believe that it is what has made me start emotional eating. I do believe it started when I was a wee child and that if I don't get my mind straight about it that I will weigh 400lbs before long.

For some reason I have noticed that if someone says it, I feel compelled to do it. It is not my conscience, it is not my own conviction, it is to please that person. I do it with my husband all the time. He says, " I would like to see this bathroom look a little more adult for guests one day". I decide he meant tomorrow, so I take down all the ducks and sand and repaint and a couple of weeks later we have a nice bathroom - good enough for guests. This is not an issue with my husband - this is an issue with me. When someone says it, I feel compelled to do it. But I am seeking something and it is not truly to make them happy. On the surface it may seem that way...but there is something much more deep and sinful driving it.

I remember doing it with my parents as well. My mindset was, "If my parents are happy, then all is right with the world". The problem with that is that I would hide things from them...because I did not want to disappoint. I would do my best to please them and as long as they were happy I was happy. There was a lot of sneaking about being done, because I did not want to dissappoint - I hid a report card one time, tried to forge it, I lied about where friends took me sometimes...this is not good. I know that now. Actually - I knew it then, the need to keep them happy was so huge that I squelched my conscience and rationalized my wrong behavior. Of course I got caught. But my thinking was so skewed, I just did my best to avoid actually giving correct information as long as possible.

What I failed to factor in is whether it was pleasing to God or not. Maybe I am the only one who operates under the people pleasing premise. It seems to me that it was not something I said out loud or really understood I was doing...it was this underlying feeling that I had. Now, I do things because I want people to be happy with ME. I want them to think well of ME. I want them to be amazed and so thankful for ME. Narcissism. Closet Narcissism. It is disguised as doing for others but it is done to make myself happy. To make me necessary. To lift me up. Nauseating. Really, when you think about it, it is.

What I need to do is rewire this brain...and actually it wouldn't be me that does it. I am calling on the Holy Spirit to change my mindset. To place my longings instead of serving myself to serving and please my Heavenly Father. And by putting my sights on things above (as I have been talking about so much lately - see Colossians 3) that God would allow the things I need to do to truly serve others well, filter through his hands - so that I am not so overwhelmed. I also need to run to HIM when I am overwhelmed and not the refrigerator.

It is ever so much simpler than I make it out to be. When I read scripture and see how far short I fall...I am so discouraged and overwhelmed by what I have to do to get myself to that place. But there again, I am working on the notion that it is me who will have to do it -and that is impossible. I cannot be this person I want to be, the person I see in scripture. What I can be is a well-loved daughter of Christ. I can set my mind on my Father daily, and I can take each day as it comes with the promise that he will meet my needs and enable me to do whatever it is he would have me do.

2Corinthians 9:8
8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

2 Timothy 1:6-8
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

These are things he has been revealing to me over the last few days. I have all I need...I can do his will....I just have walk carefully so that I do not blur the lines...Praying, reading Scripture - everyday - is how I can walk rightly. I am obviously a hard-headed, well loved daughter of Christ....though it may be simple in theory it is so very hard for me to do!