Misery to obtain obedience?

It's a parental tactic. When the boys are finding their happiness in pestering each other, or telling me they are bored - there are things I can do to make them unhappy and want to stop the behavior that is not helping anyone. I can make them walk around serving that brother they pestered and made scream all morning. Or I can get them busy doing things they hate doing - like cleaning sinks and toilets. Putting them in a state of misery causes them to rethink their actions. It's a good thing. And what is really great is, when they know you are good as your word, they will remember that they would much rather find something more useful with their time than complaining or pestering. And it works great - when I do it.

How do I know this?

My heavenly Father does it to me. And it works like a charm....eventually.

Think of the people of Israel. They delayed God's true vision for them by 40 years while he allowed them to suffer in the wilderness. (see Deut. 1). He got mad at them. Fed up with their whining and lack of trust. Seems so familiar.

Thankfully my time in the wilderness has been a wee bit shorter than that. But I see what he is trying to do.

Well over a year ago, I had a vision for my writing, for my artwork and crafts, for my singing, for helping others. I stepped out and gave it a shot...it was half hearted and I got the wheels rolling. But I got lazy. It was easier to look to others to provide employment for me. I did not have to be proactive. I could just do what they told me.

So - I floundered when I took on a job that seemed to be an answer to prayer. I didn't even really apply for it. I called the manager and she put me to work within a couple of days. It turned out to be one of those things I wish I had never done. While I was in that job, I was made miserable. I longed for the days when I was teaching the children, taking care of my own children and serving my husband. My goals were hard to see, my mission to serve totally left at the wayside. All I could put my hand to was what I had to do to keep the job and the bare minimum of taking care of my family. There was no joy in that. I was drained. I was anxious. I was in misery. Depression and listlessness became my constant companions.

This is NOT what God wanted for me. And yet - I am quite sure he allowed me to go there so I could learn.

And he has given me a prophet in my pastor. He will speak truth to me from the pulpit and my heart will quicken when it feels he is talking directly to me. We do not step out to do great things for GOD. We doubt his ability to see our efforts are multiplied to point to him and give him glory. I think it is all up to me. I am so obtuse.

So today - free from the burden of that job - I step out once again. I am committing myself to prayer and seeking. Asking God to give me direction and to make the path clear to me. My goals are: To serve my master, to provide for my family while seeing to their needs. To find my peace and joy in the gifts and talents God has given me. To glorify him in all I say and do.

I will not belittle myself. I will not scoff at things that seem too high to obtain. I will be diligent and not grow weary, but keep God's word as my encouragement and nourishment to grow more like my heavenly Father - so that I can do and complete the work he has set before me. I can be whatever the body of Christ needs for me to be to complete the work in JOY that he would have me do.

Ephesians 4


So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Relief

Last week was a disaster. The more I tried to "handle" the situation, the worse it got. I gave a nod to God and proceeded to handle the situation as I saw fit.

Yeah...that just did NOT work.

Serious disaster. Horrible week. Longing for heaven. Seriously.

But -

I made a bad situation worse. I SAID that I had my head screwed on, and that God was in control. But apparently my need to feel in control and vindicated for my annoyances...was NOT God's best for me. I ate humble pie. And in large doses.

I am not the point. Never have been, never will be.

So I will go back, I will bow my head and praise God for the blessings I count so numerous in my life. My job included. The people I work with VERY much included and praise God - that he loves me enough to cause me to kneel. To understand that this life is not about me. That my day to day situations make me better. Make me stronger and make me more like my merciful and loving Savior.

I...am not wise. I...am not strong....I am not able to finish anything.

But my God can cause me to be wise. He can give me strength. And He can finish the work he has begun in me.

Whenever I get too cocky, I can guarantee that my own "cleverness" will be my downfall. He is to be exalted in all things and success as I see it is not his end goal for me. When I become mean, and start to elbow my way up...I can guarantee you I will fall on my ass. Thank God He loves me enough to give me the relief I truly long for.

It is not up to me. PRAISE GOD!

He is enough. Not this job. Not this house. Not this salary. My sweetness, my efforts, my continuous struggles...will not suffice.

He - my God - and only He. He is sufficient.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What a relief.

Reconciled

As you know, I love words. Think they are the greatest invention EVER. So I have a new favorite today. Once again I woke up and asked God to help me with my attitude. To be happy, to be humble, to remember that my goals are not the same as everyone elses. That it is okay to reset my own standards and values not to be in line with normal thinking. I actually love that.

But as I was driving to work I allowed myself to wander into the realm of the "unappreciated". Never a good place to go. Does no one any good whatsoever. Yet there I am wallering in it -  applying it to traffic for Pete's sake. I got in the right lane to turn as traffic started backing up and every car that zipped past me and put their right blinker on to get ahead of me made me angrier. "It's not fair" kept repeating in my head.

And the next thing out of my mouth was I will just have to reconcile myself to not getting ahead in this life. It's just not going to happen because my standards are different. Something that should be good suddenly sounded bad. My competitive nature (very much a worldly thing) was getting the best of me.

Reconcile.

rec·on·cile   /ˈrɛkənˌsaɪl/ Show Spelled [rek-uhn-sahyl] Show IPA verb, -ciled, -cil·ing.


verb (used with object)

1. to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired: He was reconciled to his fate.

2. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.

3. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).

4. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.

5. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).

How funny that this word has such a vast mood swing. Basically the same meaning - but the heart of the word can be placed in two different places. To accept something not desired - resigned. Or to bring into harmony - which sounds infinitely happier to me.
 
So I have a choice.
 
This whole thing actually reminded me of Joseph when he was sold into slavery by his brothers. A wicked and horrible happening in the world's eyes. Certainly much worse than what I am presently dealing with in my own life, but never the less...the same thinking can apply. Joseph never gave up. He never turned his back on what he knew to be God's intended use of him. He put his hand to what was before him and he did it well.
 
If Joseph had allowed the first definition to define his attitude, there would have been a fatalistic sadness that could have caused him to just exist in the situation he was in. But because he accepted his fate with gladness and in doing so became better while in his lowly state. He chose to bring it into agreement with his difficult circumstances. There was harmony in the fact that he knew God had placed him there for a purpose.
 
Genesis 50:19 - 21
19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.


What a great attitude. So - today - I will again adjust my attitude to be in harmony with what God has placed before me. And I will do it to the best of my ability.

I am reconciled. But harmoniously - for now. And will probably have to do it all over again tomorrow...

As my pastor says, "Preaching the Gospel to myself" - e-ver-y day.

Fall

What an amazing weekend. Beautiful weather. Cool nights and temperate days. I got my mums out on the porch and my punkins' put out. My fall wall plaque and flag. The wrought iron Jack O' Lanterns and a stack of apples in a white ruffle bowl on the table.

I love fall. I was looking at the ridge of Oak Mountain and thinking about how these cool nights  bring such beautiful color to to it. I can't wait to sit and enjoy the view as I watch my boy play fall ball.

How blessed I am to be able to count these things as the extra happy's that fill my life.

Psalm 16:5-7
5 LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;

you make my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

My heart instructs me that I have much to be thankful for. I am praying for focus and the ability to accomplish all I need to today. Serving the Lord in all I say and do, loving others well and letting go of what I cannot get accomplished.

Happy Fall Friends!

Extensive

First posted: 9/29/11

WATCH ME

Last year the 5th grade took a field trip to the Space and Rocket Museum in Huntsville. I was privileged to go. I had in my care 3 boys - one of them being mine. We had a wonderful time looking at the exhibits and enjoying the rides. Then came the IMAX movie. I can't even remember the name of it. But it was about the Hubble Telescope and the images it captures. The information and visuals provided in this movie had tears running down my face. I was overwhelmed with emotion and - joy. God using science to reveal himself.

Now - I know - people of "science" will think that is just hooey - emotional, weak minded folks needing an easy explanation to life's hard questions. But that is not it at all. I have been reading about Dark Matter and Dark Energy and it is quite amazing to hear about how God is showing himself through mysteries. Love it.

When I listen to the numbers - 3000 galaxies - just our neighbors, 100 billion galaxies in our universe of what we know that is 47 Billion Light Years huge, My mind feels like it has particlized. It is blown.

That is how BIG God is. Bank on it.

ruminations

I love the word "ruminations". Something about it feels permissive to let your thoughts grow and morph until they are sure they are ready to become concrete.

From Merriam-Webster.com:

ru·mi·nate verb \ˈrü-mə-ˌnāt\


ru·mi·nat·ed / ru·mi·nat·ing



Definition of RUMINATE

transitive verb

1: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly

2: to chew repeatedly for an extended period

intransitive verb

1: to chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed : chew the cud

2: to engage in contemplation : reflect

— ru·mi·na·tion \ˌrü-mə-ˈnā-shən\ noun

— ru·mi·na·tive \ˈrü-mə-ˌnā-tiv\ adjective

— ru·mi·na·tive·ly adverb

— ru·mi·na·tor \-ˌnā-tər\ noun

See ruminate defined for English-language learners »

See ruminate defined for kids »

Examples of RUMINATE

The question got us ruminating on the real value of wealth.

He ruminated over the implications of their decision.

Origin of RUMINATE

Latin ruminatus, past participle of ruminari to chew the cud, muse upon, from rumin-, rumen rumen; perhaps akin to Sanskrit romantha act of chewing the cud

First Known Use: 1533

Related to RUMINATE

Synonyms: chew over, cogitate, consider, contemplate, debate, deliberate, entertain, eye, kick around, meditate, mull (over), perpend, pore (over), question, revolve, ponder, study, think (about or over), turn, weigh, wrestle (with)

That is just pure yummy to me.

All of this to say -

A couple of years ago we went on our usual trek to Tennessee. We stopped at a look out at one point because the boys had to go to the bathroom - and we wanted to stretch our legs. On one of the posts, someone had written, "It was always you".

I loved it. Thought it was so romantic sounding. How sweet to stop and look over the beautiful countryside and proceed to deface property. Really though - the sentiment is quite sweet. And from time to time I still ruminate on the where's the why's and the wheretofor's.

But no matter where , why or wheretofor...the phrase is captivating.

"It was always you"

Life is transient at best.
But there is one thing that promises the stability and solidity of such a phrase as "It was always you".

God

He is the one thing that has always been...and always will be. No matter how insecure and screwy my own life becomes. My one touch stone that will always be is God.

Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. PSALM 90:2


Thank goodness there has always been and always will be Sovreign God. And also for the fact that He uses the unlikely things to prove his power.
 
1 Corinthians 1:27
27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong


I pray he will use me.
 
I have had the same thought in my head the last couple of days. I am trying so hard not to live according to the world's wisdom and what it offers. I am reminded always that God uses the lowly and the humble to show himself great.
 
The best I can ever hope for is to be clay pot. Empty and unimpressive until I am filled with the all-surpassing power of God.
 
2 Corinthians 4:6-8
6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,”  made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

That - to me - is a pretty amazing thing - especially in this day and age.

Conviction

I have been frustrated with my situation for quite some time now. I love my job. But the lack of time to do things I consider "ministry" or "service" has brought me low many times. Today - I was reading some things my cousin posted on Facebook. He is a missionary to China. It suddenly hit me that though I have called my job and new status a mission field, I am not living that way. What a waste of my time in the places I have been over the last year.

Also - I have found that I don't think I am "good enough" anymore. Because of my struggle  with my faith and my continued frustration with no time to accomplish what I think I need to, I feel like I can't do the things I would like. I find myself saying things like, "If only I could get this house clean", or "If only I could get past [whatever]". And basically - I find I am just a stinker. A mess maker. A goof off. And I like it. This is a problem to be sure.

The fact is, I cannot keep that attitude and expect to ever accomplish anything...

Have I written about this before? I am having a dejavu moment. You know I have been convicted about it - I just didn't act on my conviction apparently.

I do long to make a difference where I am. I love that God convicted me in the middle of my backslide - not just of my sin - but of my ability to serve in spite of my fallen condition.

Truly - it is a sign of God's patience and fatherly love to reach out to me in such a state. I asked him to show himself to me and he did. Again.

My heart overflows.

Now - to get started...

So of course I think I know....

how to do everything right. My decisions, my understanding, my actions - always right on the money.

Of course not.

It's baseball season. I love baseball season.  I love baseball. I love that my boys love baseball.

I am competitive. Very competitive. Way, way, way, WAY too competitive.

When my husband and I were in college we were playing Pictionary and I totally screamed at him and didn't want him to be my partner anymore because he kept calling what I drew a "poodle" when it was clearly a BUFFALO. Another time some friends bankrupted me in Monopoly and I threw my deeds, my scotty dog and my money at them and walked out of the house. I had to go back and say I was sorry. I quit playing games for a long time because of it.

I am working full time now...with a recruiting campaign, and an audit coming up with my boss out of town. I leave there and go directly to baseball practice or game. Feed on the fly, wash baseball uniforms, go to bed for 5 hours, get up and do it all over again.

 These are not good combinations. They absolutely mean that the goofball that is me on a good day is going to make an ass of herself somehow, someway. Probably multiple times.

And I did. Other people seem to do as much as I do  - they work, they have kids, and manage to be somewhat sane in their actions and reactions. Not me. Always have to embarrass myself somehow...

So my 11YO's baseball team loses. The kids actually play pretty good. But there were a couple of bad decisions. We started out playing well and threw the game away. It made me mad. Really mad.

I felt it coming on. And instead of stopping the downward spiral I wallered in it. WALLERED IN IT. I stomped off after the game so I could compose myself. But not before muttering under my breath (maybe not so much under my breath). I did come back after taking some deep breaths - but I was embarrassed. But it gets more embarrassing.

I am talking to a friend later and he says something about my blog and how cathartic it must be - or something like that - he says I can go home and write down my feelings and delete it - and I am immediately so very, very sorry for my behavior. Not just because I totally got put in my place (whether he meant to do that or not), but because I knew I was going there and I just didn't want to stop it. I wanted to get mad. I wanted people to know it and I indulged. And I allowed myself to forget who I represent. Certainly not me. If it was just me - no biggy.

I write about stuff - mostly about me and God. Goodness knows I am not perfect...if he wanted a perfect child - he would not have created me to be sure. But because I love God and want to please him...I should try harder to find that internal fortitude to be a better sport.

Good grief - I hope I will become someone I would like to be some day. Wise, gracious, kind - self controlled. But at this rate...it ain't going to be any time soon.

Quite honestly I feel further away than I have in a long, long time. Not sure how to fix it...but God help me try.

2 Two Dollar Bills

I had to take the boys to a birthday party yesterday. I had an extra little boy along for the ride. I threw all of my things into my purse and went and grabbed my wallet from my baseball bag and threw some things out of the car to allow my fourth child to get in. We were running late as is the norm and I frantically got the boys in the car and headed to the party. The low fuel light was on - but I was sure it was because we had been parked outside of the garage and it was on a hill. I would get gas on my way back.

I drop the boys off and the gas light has gone off so I decide to wait so I can get back to the house and get some things done before I had to go pick them up again. I get home and do a few things and it seems like no time before I had to get into the car and go get the boys. Half way there - the light comes on again. No biggy, I will just go get them and stop at the gas station on my way back. So, with all four of the boys safely in the car, I stop at the gas station. I grab my purse and start rifling through it to grab my wallet. It's not there. I look again. And again. And again.

I am looking at the gauge and it shows it is BELOW the little line - we are most definitely in the fumes range. I grab the manual to see how much gas is in that reserve - the manual says to go straight to the gas station when the low fuel light comes on. So I have a horrible feeling...I am at the gas station, with no wallet and four boys and wondering who I am going to call to come bring me money. I am praying to the Lord - "Please let me have just missed the wallet" - so I make another perusal of the whole car. And the purse...still - no wallet. "Please Lord - what am I going to do?" As I am grabbing the manual to put it back into the glove box, I see money - in the back of the manual - there are 2 $2 bills. Where did those come from? Why do I have them in the manual? Should I use them? I feel quite sure they were a gift for the twins - and who knows when they got put in there? We have had this car for 11 years...so there is no telling when my typical befuddled state I put them in there - or why I put them in there.  But right now - they were an answer from the Lord. I took my $4 into the gas station and paid. Went back and put 1.17 gallons of gas into the car. The light was gone. As I drove home I told the boys how good the Lord was that he had allowed those 2 $2 bills to be in there. God's provision was a happy little reminder of how much he cares for us.  I got the little boy home - told his mom about it and we both agreed how good God is. I went home and started looking for my wallet.

I could not find it. I retraced my steps. At first pretty calm. The more I looked in all of the places I had been the more frantic I became. I started to panic and pray to the Lord again. "PLEASE LORD" I cry desperately, "...don't let me have put that wallet on top of that car and have driven off. Don't let it be on Highway 280 somewhere being run over again and again." I sit down. I put my head in my hands. And I pray again.

I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I look at the phone - I check the phone messages, hoping someone had found it and called me. Nope. Then I get up and make one more calm and consistent search - retracing in my head exactly what I did and how I did it. I walked over to the washing machine and dryer downstairs and see a pile of jackets I had pulled from the car and dropped next to the machine. Peeking out from under one of the jackets was my wallet.

When I had grabbed my wallet from my baseball bag, I had kept it in my hand as I went to remove the excess stuff from the car.  I got the gift card out of my hand and for some reason kept my wallet along with the jackets and miscellaneous items I was getting out of the way. And in my hurry, I dropped my wallet along with the clothes onto the floor next to the washer.

Praise the Lord. Seriously. And I could not STOP crying. I kept thanking the Lord - over and over again. How good are you Lord? Because seriously - in my harried and wacked out brain mode - there is a very good possibility it could have been placed on top of the car and I would have had to call all those places - and remember what all was in that wallet...yikes.

Though honestly - the wallet - though I was freaked out - it is not what amazes me the most. The mystery of the 2 $2 bills is what makes my heart expand.
Zechariah 4:10
“Who dares despise the day of small things, since the seven eyes of the LORD that range throughout the earth will rejoice when they see the chosen capstone (or the plumbline) in the hand of Zerubbabel?”

Zechariah 4:10 says an amazing thing. As a background - the people of Israel are rebuilding the tempel. Zerubbabel is the first leader after the exile from captivity. The vision of Zechariah was to encourage Zerubbabel in his work to complete the temple. He had tried in vain for 16 years to get it completed and Zechariah's dream was to let him know that God saw him. That his eyes (7 meaning "perfect" or complete) range through the earth and SAW his needs. God was aware of what Zerubbabel needed and wanted to encourage him to keep on with the work of the Lord. He sees all things and there is nothing that escapes the eye of the Lord...even my tiny problems.

Now of course - I know that my finding those $2 bills is a simple thing. But to me - it was no accident. I reached for the manual out of a need to find out how much gas I had left in hopes to get those kids back to a place where we were not waiting on the side of the road. But God didn't just have information for me - he had provision. He was aware of my need and he provided for it.

AND he let that wallet be in a wonderful place. On the floor of my laundry.

Awesome. Our God is an AWESOME God.

God is so good...

Once again - I don't know why I am surprised but he brings what I need to hear right when I need to hear it. It has been a great week in spite of my struggle with my dip this time. And I know it is because my Father is carrying me. But I have made such an effort to turn my eyes away from me and to Him. His reward is always a physical reminder that he cares - some way - some how. I read this in my David Jeremiah devotional for yesterday....

Wednesday, March 23



Calm and Quiet


Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.


Psalm 131:2


Recommended Reading


Psalm 23:1-3






According to medical researchers at Duke University, there is a "vicious cycle" involving insomnia, anxiety, and depression.* It's sort of a "which came first: the chicken or the egg?" scenario. Perhaps it's the one that presents first, but once the cycle starts it doesn't matter. Anxiety might cause insomnia, which might result in depression, which might lead to greater anxiety ...and the cycle continues as the symptoms feed off one another.


There are plenty of good reasons to be anxious, depressed, and sleepless in today's world. But Christians have promises from God that should alleviate all three symptoms--promises that God rules over all the earth and knows the beginning from the end of history. Our task is to do what the psalmist David did: He didn't worry about "great matters" or things "too profound" for him. Instead, he "calmed and quieted" his soul like a "weaned child" at rest in its mother's lap--peaceful and quiet (Psalm 131:1-2).


God's job is to guide the world. Your job is to "be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6), to rest in the Father's promises.
 
I have been in this vicious cycle on and off for over a year now. It is good to know that I am not just making it all up...sometimes I feel that I do! But I will have to preach the Gospel to myself - everyday. How good is God that he reminds me that I need him!
 
I am truly blessed.