Pondering Beauty

This morning I got up and washed my face with my favorite mix of essential oils, then started plucking the hairs that grow in all the wrong places, threw my hair up into an artfully messy bun on top of my head, put in my silver loop earrings, and then applied some light makeup just to make it look like I give a crap. I'm not even going anywhere - thank you very much. Your welcome - for my efforts. ;) Obviously I do care - at least right now. I have moments in time where I don't.

But as I was plucking all those hairs, I started thinking about why. As I looked into those baggy eyes that always surprise me when I look close (because I still think I look 25 - sadly not true), I realize that the outside really doesn't matter. It does initially - for about an hour.

Here's the thing:

I see people and I love their look. They are beautiful, or there is something arresting about their faces and how they move. But quite honestly - that's all it lasts is about an hour for some of them. Once you get to talking to them and get to know them they may not seem so pretty. The ugly people, amazingly can become quite attractive and the beautiful ones become quite unattractive - depending on what's inside. Thus the proverb - you can't judge a book by its cover.

So, you never know what is going to attract you to another person as a friend or romantically. Which is why hanging with a person not your spouse can be problematic. Once we start sharing ideas and our witticisms outside of our couple friendships - things can get a little dicey. Of course you can be friends with a person. But that one on one time - if you allow that to happen - can be a dangerous game.

The first time I realized this was when I went to the beach once - I tell my boys this as a cautionary tale - with this Cary Grant looking hunk of a man. The sky was blue and the waves were turquoise, the sand warm and just delicious under my feet. When I looked at him, an involuntary sigh would leave my body. By the end of the day, I was bored stupid. STUPID. Was he nice? So nice. So kind. So gentlemanly. But he wasn't as handsome to me. He was absolutely resistable. He was going to make some woman incredibly lucky. I needed sharp wit. Cutting and clever. I realized the outside really didn't matter. The inside does. And I was really disappointed - because I really thought he was so pretty. But he married a beautiful, kind, girl who suited him to a T. Love it. And quite honestly - I didn't ring his bell either. He never asked me to go out again - so - it goes both ways.

I have seen goofy looking guys become hot in a day because of how funny and sharp they were.

This is a mighty leveler of the playing field. Thank the Lord.

But - how good is God that he made us so that our minds are the things that will be the glue that keeps us near and dear to the one we choose as our mate? Because all the nose hair removal in the world will not make me more attractive when I get older. And of course there are extenuating circumstances. Things happen as we grow older that we have to fight against. Marriages don't always last and someone can be left hurting - but that's a whole other thing. I am thankful for a spouse that sees duty as important as laughing. Duty is boring BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT - but the laughter makes it lovely.

Just me thinking.

What I have learned this summer...

I have learned a lot this summer.

I have learned -again- that I am indeed a sinner that is prone to wander no matter the circumstances. It is exhausting when I try to live in my own strength. I just cannot do it. Well...graciously...really - it's just a train wreck.

I have learned that my best feature is my faith. Believe it or not - though my faith is weak - I tend to believe things that many doubt. This faith that is given to me, and to every human on this earth is a gift from God.  My faith has been placed in many wrong things over the years, causing me to falter and fall. I have placed my faith in friends, money, my own abilities - and every single one of those things have let me down at one point or another. I have let it cause me to be bitter and drag around a burden that was not meant for me to carry.

God has something better.

I have learned that my boys - all three of them - in spite of me, have grown into young men that I am incredibly proud of. How did this happen? The grace of God. There is nothing in me that can make these boys be what they need to be. Can I help? Yes. And I should. Am I perfect? Sadly no. But if you read all of the articles that are posted on Facebook and circulating the web, you would think it was all up to us and the amount of TV and sugar and devices we do or don't let our kids indulge in. But it is not.

Of course there are things we need to do to raise our children well and we try to give them the tools they need to be successful. In the end though my trust has to be in God and not in anything I can give them. They are a work of the divine hand of God working through me to make them what He needs them to be.

I have learned that kids are kids. They are not always a reflection of what I am, or what I have taught them...and yet - they are. One of the most encouraging things I have come to understand over the years is that kids will grow out of the stupid things they say. The first set of students I discipled said and did some stupid things sometimes. I didn't worry about it at the time - #1 they weren't my children #2 I was also very young. But I heard adults that were leaders in the church say some things that I found wounded me, and would certainly hurt these kids we worked so hard to support in their journey to know God. What I have come to understand as an adult is that I cannot allow myself to think less of these kids because of what they say now. I have thought the same things as an adult about my own children, and other students I work with, that if voiced out loud could be hurtful. But God has allowed me to see those kids I disciple 20 + years ago that said stupid things, grow up into amazing adults that have poured themselves into other students and their own children  - full of the GRACE of God. These kids I work with at the high school now (my own babies included) will grow up and start doing and saying stupid things less. I say less because I still say and do stupid things. I will not judge. When I think, "What a bonehead", I immediately follow it up with, "thank God they will grow out of it". And I mean it. And most of them will - due to God's grace and maybe even God's grace through me - so it causes me to "not grow weary in well doing" (Gal. 6:9).

I have learned that I can trust God each day to take care of my needs. When I purposefully make the decision to...and I have to do it minute by minute on some days, because my control fer-REAK ways want to run in and do what I think is best. God has protected me from myself...sometimes in ways that actually scared me more for a night as I wrestled over why this way wouldn't work. I woke up with faith that GOD had this. I had been given the solution to my worries and that was to trust God day by day, moment by moment.

And I will need this. I will have to remind myself of this - over and over again this year because...I have twin boys that are seniors and they are uncertain where they want to go. And I want to know now. I want the finances ironed out now and I want not to have to think about it anymore.

But that is not how God has chosen to work this scenario out...so wait I must.

Isaiah 40:31 [Full Chapter]

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I am counting on this. 

Independence

So coming up on Independence Day 2017 I have been thinking.

Independence is a glorious thing. Our nation is founded on a rich history of a people who desired to be independent and make a nation based on freedom. I love the 4th of July. I find that it causes me to value my freedom even more. We are a blessed nation. Sadly, many times

we do not realize it. Our freedoms cause us to distance ourselves instead of being bound together through our patriotism. We have become a nation divided by our points of view, thinking that our own opinion means more than someone else's.

So sad. Heartbreaking. We are a people that should be united through our diversity. It is what makes this country unique.

But - that kind of freedom is not what I am thinking of this morning.

My own independence is what I am thinking about. I am a stubborn little so and so when it comes to doing it my way. I am like a two year old - I want to do it all by myself.

My struggle for independence will continually be a sin I have to ask forgiveness for.

It comes from a heart that doesn't fully comprehend how bad I really am. My stance before Christ is generally one of - "I got this". It makes me feel accomplished. Whole. Invincible. Proud of my abilities. I am woman, hear me roar and all that stuff.

I have a thing - probably deep in my genes - the desire of my forefathers to be self-sustaining. I think the reason I love The Walking Dead so much is how they have to become self-sustaining in a world that no longer has rules. Or grocery stores. I love the ingenuity the end of times seems to bring out in people. Thank the LORD that it is just a show though.

I have issues. I admit it.

When I look back at the many times I have taken on things and done them without relying on my Heavenly Father, I can see how I made a mess of things. I do have regrets - and yet - I will always revert back to "I GOT THIS".

I am a fool.

I desperately want to be the best I can be because of me. I don't want to rely on God. Or my husband. Or anyone. I want to be fulfilled through the brilliance of me. Sadly, I cannot be what I need to be. I have proven, as I said before, time and time again that my own decision making paradigm is sadly off kilter.

My own accomplishments are better seated when built on the foundation of Christ and His wisdom. So this is a battle I will fight the rest of my life. I will wake up, ask God to give me the strength to depend on Him and to rely on His leading. Will I do it every day? Nope. Will I try? Yes! I will continue to build those faith muscles by continuing to turn my eyes on Jesus.

Otherwise I am doomed to one big, bad conundrum after another.

And no one wants that.

Happy Independence Day! ;)

PSALM 25
¹ In you, Lord my God,
    I put my trust.

² I trust in you;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me.
³ No one who hopes in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
    who are treacherous without cause.

Can a 50 Year Old Wear a Bralette?

I posed this question to my 26 year old friend. She gave me that "uhhhh no" answer. I asked another young friend of mine about dyeing my hair blue...and she told me that I would do better with red. Something about me not being able to "rock it".

So ok. I understand there is a point where one should stop chasing trendy and kind of settle into a classic ageless look. Which just KILLS me.

I wear Converse. Always have...and I probably always will.

I have pondered my how old is to old question now for just about everything. And I must tell you that I am still in a quandary about it. I feel I should be able to wear a bralette in a way that is in good taste. I think I can rock it...and the blue hair quite frankly.

I am kind of tired of questioning what I should and shouldn't wear. I have bangs. I have my whole life. Do I really have to get rid of them? I think they may be too young for me, but I cannot imagine myself without them. But I have seen older women that wear their hair in styles that look too young for them and clothes that look too young for them. I don't want to be that person.

So - should I listen to my sweet young friends and avoid the bralettes and blue hair? How do I balance my love of some things and my desire to be balanced and realistic in my choices now that I have hit the half century mark?

I would love someone to shed a little light on this subject.

Oh so it's going to be THAT kind of day....

I woke up this morning with thoughts bumping and shoving through my head like people in New York during rush hour. Seriously disturbing. I laid there and tried to get them to line up better and decided to check weather to be prepared. Rain. I dragged my behind out of the bed and immediately heard the cat meowing in the bathroom. Yes I keep him in the bathroom at night because he is defective. He doesn't always use the kitty litter. He tends to be a bit lazy in the toileting department....much like most of the men in this household. I say most because my husband (and my dog) is meticulous. Thank you Lord. My other three boys - now four....not so much.

Anyway - I find my slippers and have my "ah" moment. They are new so they are still soft and fuzzy inside and still have the cushion in the sole. So when I put my feet in - it is a glorious thing. You have to be thankful for the little things, right?

I shuffled into the bathroom to take care of my business while the cat jumped on my lap and kept trying to butt my mouth with his head. I finish and dump him out of my lap and wash my hands wondering what I will wear. I trip over the cat while walking out of the bathroom into the dark bedroom because I don't want to wake my husband - too late - bless him. He heard all of the meowing and my fussing in the bathroom. "You okay?", he asks. "We'll see", I replied

Shuffled down the hall. Let the dog outside while tripping again on the cat and moved quickly to feed him so he will get out from under my feet.

I need coffee.

This is not something I usually feel. I can do without coffee. As long as I have caffeine in some form during the day...but this morning...yeah.

So I get the canister and it is empty. Ugh.

But I bought more on Tuesday - once again - a yippee moment.

I open the package and proceed to pour the coffee into the canister. Sniff. Glorious.

Where is the scoop?

Did I seriously just dump all of the coffee into the canister with the scoop on the bottom?

I asked myself that question out loud. To no one in particular.

And I plunged my hand (it was clean) into the canister and pushed down to the bottom and yes.,,yes I did....

I now have the scoop....and coffee grounds all over the counter.

But - it gave me my cup of coffee.

I shall not make these first moments of the day frame the rest of the day.

I shall not.

Love

"Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness" - C.S. Lewis

Love is considered such a warm. fuzzy thing. I mean - we rarely think we are loving someone well by telling them they have a booger hanging out of their nose.

But seriously - as hard as that is - it is a better definition of love than the gooey thing that makes us get all teary eyed at sappy love stories.

One of my biggest regrets was letting a friend of mine go without telling him he had the BIGGEST booger hanging out of his nose. I was embarrassed. EMBARRASSED. I was embarrassed and proceeded to let my friend walk around with that thing in his nose until someone else finally had the nerve to tell him. I know it is crazy. But it bothers me that I did not tell him myself. I know- I need to move on.  But it was seriously selfish of me. ugh. hate it.

You have to be made of stern stuff to love others well and to be willing to be loved well according to C.S. Lewis's definition.

And of course, it is a maturity thing. I have taken a lot longer than your average person at growing up. I do believe a huge sign of maturity is how unselfish we are - how we consider others better than ourselves and sacrifice for them.

Loving others well will be uncomfortable sometimes.

I was talking to a dear friend at work the other day. She said, "If you love me, please let me know if you think I am doing something stupid instead of letting me keep on. I may cry a little - but I would much rather know than be thought a fool by continuing to do it". Such great words of wisdom. So true!

But it is hard. Especially for those of us who don't want people to feel badly. We don't want them to be uncomfortable. (hello me).

I encourage you to ponder this. How do we do this and do it well? How do we do it leaving the aroma of Christ?

It is something to consider well.

And please - if you see me with a booger hanging out of my nose, TELL ME.