Cream Brûlée and Jell-O

I have been pondering things this morning. Perfection verses imperfection. I see myself sort of as the Julia Roberts character in My Best Friends Wedding. I wish I could say because of my hair or my long legs or beautiful face but no, that's not it. It is all the asinine decisions she makes.

I see myself as Jell-O.

I have a love-hate thing about this movie. I hate it, because I wanted Julianne to get the guy (I mean really who wouldn't want to get Dermont Mulroney?). But I loved that the movie didn't let her. Kimmy was - well - let's just look at this quote:

"She's annoyingly perfect and when I say that I mean there is nothing annoying about her perfection, it is vulnerable and endearing, and THAT is annoying as shit. If I didn't hate her I'd adore her."

Kimmy was willing to be so open. And she was kind. Truly kind. Of course she didn't like that Julianne was so close to Michael, and rightfully so. But for Michael's sake, she was going to overlook the past relationship and accept her as a part of Michael's life. Let's not get into how dangerous that could be down the road - but look at her heart. She was everything that quote says and it is absolutely annoying as shit (sorry -I had to borrow from the quote :P).

I have always been the rumpled, creative, seat of my pants kind of girl. I live and die by my emotions and feelings and it gets me into so much trouble. So while I am rooting for Julianne and totally get where she is coming from, she breaks my heart, because I see myself in her. Pursue what you want to the death. Thank goodness for her she did not get what she set out to get. She would have been miserable. Getting what you want is not always a good thing.

The movie actually has a happy ending.

Towards the end there is a scene that shows Julianne toasting Michael and Kimmy.

Heart breaking and such a perfect ending.

And right.

Bittersweet. And to me, that is what makes it so yummy.

Lately I have had an urge to let everyone know that I know I am a complete doofus most of the time. I want them to know that it is not something I am totally unaware of. I want to sit down and write a story about my life...about every stupid thing I did and how sorry I am for it. When I look back at all of the things I have done - whether good intentions gone wrong or just me being mule-headed and going for it in spite of it all...I have many regrets....things I wish I would have done differently. My poor parents...they are exhausted because of all my shenanigans.

But....

Regardless of what has happened in the past, I hope those that know me understand, that I will work to love every moment of my life - both good and bad, because it has brought me here. I am blessed beyond belief. This morning anyway - I think I understand how blessed I am. I see how my parents love me beyond well. Every spot on my carpet that drives me insane most days  - well today - they are a reminder of three precious boys that are growing much too fast. The crowded garage that I mean to organize and all the furniture I mean to refinish in it - are a reminder of how much we have and how God has blessed me with a husband that provides for me and loves me in spite of me. And  I feel I am the best version of myself so far. Today. (I will feel differently tomorrow - thank goodness for the occasional "todays"). And God willing it will only get better as he completes his work in me. I pin my hopes on this verse.

Philippians 1:6 

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Thankfully - most people do not think near as much about me as I think about myself. I have had so many awkward moments, the majority of my life could be a cautionary tale - but how wonderful to realize that I have such riches in spite of it all.

Life is not like a movie. Not nearly as neat. But I have hope for the future so I can get through today - with grace and love for others. It is more than so many have. I have hope that GOD will bring others to the same place, regardless of their situation.

Contentment. Thankful for it today.

How's your heart, buddy?

I took one of the twinks with me to Wal-mart today. He wanted a new basketball and his dad said he had to go if he wanted it. He didn't want me picking out one and then the 3 boys complaining about it. This way- whatever we got - it was all on them. The catch was this was my two week trip. I shop for our entire two weeks of meals and it can be a bit grueling to go on a Saturday. But he said he would go.

What a sweet boy. He pushed the cart and never complained once. He was happy and helpful and I loved being able to spend that time one on one with him.

We saw some friends from a travel ball team we had previously been on. The history here is he was asked to be on this travel ball team last Spring and at the end of the season, it dissolved. The coach got a promotion at his job and said one of the other coaches could pick it up if they wanted to, but we never heard anything so we assumed that was the end of it.

Then my boy came home from school telling me that one of the boys on the team said they were starting it back up. He asked me if we had heard anything and I had to tell him no. Apparently we weren't going to be asked to be on this new team. Of course - my first reaction was not the best reaction. Thankfully it was all in my head and heart but I just told my son not to worry about it. We have always enjoyed park ball and love the comeraderie there.

I kept hearing of the kids that would be on the team. In our community, it is hard not to hear of what is going on - we are a pretty close group and it is bound to come to our attention. I have to say my heart felt pretty pounded. Of course it was for my boy. My feelings were shredded over how he felt and how he was dealing with it. But the issue was never with him, I found. It was totally me. He told our friends there at Wal-mart what team he was on at the park and we wished them well and went our way. I was concerned.

I asked my son how his heart was. "How do you feel about the travel ball team with all of the folks you played with starting up and you not being asked?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I am happy to be playing with my friends at the park". I asked him how he thought our reaction to this kind of situation should be. He said, "I have just been glad to be able to play ball again".

What a treasure he is. Apparently - if he was struggling with his identity in all of this - he has come to a healthy conclusion. It has nothing to do with what you are missing. It has everything to do with your thankfulness for what you have. I actually think we are right where we are supposed to be. I have warred with my feeling of being left out - of not being good enough - of our identity in the midst of all of this. This is not a terrible thing. As long as we come to the conclusion of how blessed we are to be where we are.

It is a wonderful lesson. Our identity has nothing to do with who chooses us to be on their team. It has nothing to do with whether other folks think we are good enough, or have enough money. It has to do with the fact that we are the children of God. Thankful hearts and contentment come from being thankful for what you have and whose you are. For those who know me well - I am ridiculously competitive. It is a wretched fight I have with myself constantly over my wanting to be the best - at whatever - and of course that spills over to my poor children. So being here - for now - is a big deal for me.

We love our friends on the travel ball teams. We think the world of them. The internal struggle of not measuring up can strike us at any time and cause us all kinds of resentment. Thank the Lord that he has given us (me) the gumption to come down to what is really most important here.

I'd say my little boy is quite the wise man. My heart is exceedingly glad.