We are all a little insecure. I see it every day. I struggle with it every day. I see it in friends who walk up on others and hear them discussing them - or not discussing them but they think they are. I have been there, had that happen. That uncomfortable silence as everyone is trying to adjust the conversation to seem less like they were not talking about you. Or maybe they weren't.
Perspective. That is the key. I have done that to other people. So do I have a right to be upset when someone does it to me? Not really - but feelings are still feelings - and they hurt when we feel betrayed. But the fact is - we are not always lovable. I am not always lovable. I can be bitchy, and sarcastic, and a know it all...and others know it. It behooves me to be self aware.
I have become pragmatic in my old age.
The other day I was in a foul mood. And I said some things about others I shouldn't have. I heard them over and over again in my head that night. My comforter and conscience (Holy Spirit) was nudging me. I had to go in to work and apologize to people for saying things that were not accurate. They wanted to excuse it - by telling me what they heard. I told them I appreciated it - but it was nothing other than discontent and sin on my part and I was sorry - to please forgive me. I hated every minute of it. I was embarrassed and felt that it was just one more reason to dislike myself. BUT - when it was done there was an amazingly clean and free feeling that took over those dark thoughts.
I have a friend who shuts down my curiosity EVERY. TIME. I am always a little miffed at that. But she is right. Her response to me is "That is not my story to tell". And quite frankly the first few times she did it I was like, "Huh. Really. Aren't you something?". That was internally by the way - and it was with a snarky attitude. Blech. I am so ugly sometimes. BUT - she is not wrong. But me being me - I will probably fight that battle the rest of my life. I keep thinking I will grow out of this puppy stage....
BUT - things being what they are...I am glad I am aware of my failures. I pray God moves me from this place to be better. I want to be real, to be loving, to be kind. Talking about others is not any of those things. Well - it is real - but there I go with that darn circular thinking. When I say real - I mean - vulnerable - open to being corrected - letting others see my faults but also see that I want God to work those icks out. Not settling by using a "keeping it real" attitude as an excuse for not trying harder to be more. I do not want to be self-righteous or plastic. The whole setting myself up on a pedestal is not acceptable. I fall way too much to do that kind of thing.
I guess my whole thought process here is - when it comes right down to it, talking about people is wrong. But when you do - say your sorry. Try to not do it. And don't use excuses to keep from having to apologize or to keep wedging your big ol' nose in there to find out the scoop.
Totally talking to myself. If you see you in there too - well - you do you. (wink. heart. smile)
God bless and keep us all!
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life lessons. Show all posts
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
More Gliding - Less Slogging
So a few months ago I said I would revisit what things are needed keep away from what I like to call "slogging".
Slogging happens when we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the cares of this life.
For a Christian that generally means putting things ahead of God. It can mean worrying more about what your house looks like than what your soul looks like. For me - it generally means I have taken the reins away from God and am resolved to do it on my own. I like it that way. Problem is - it never works.
I compare it to my manic depressive episodes. I have never been diagnosed. But I know that I have some naturally occurring highs and lows. My grandmother was definitely manic depressive and I know what it looks like. I wonder if I will land there some day - but - until then I have chosen to deal with it the healthiest way possible. But as usual - I digress. My highs I feel GREAT. I take on everything. I am all things to all people. I am creative and productive and a bubbling, sparkling source of encouragement until I am not. I hit the skids and I stop - full out stop. I let down whatever things I was going to do, I let down my family by backing into a corner and I am no longer the sparkling, bubby thing I was just days before. I drop out of life. I can no longer cope. I can hardly get up to manage my household. I do, and I go to work and I love on my people but I am not my best when I get home. Usually I am the worst - because I have given it all away during the day and have nothing left for my family.
I have such guilt.
And I quit volunteering for things. I quit participating in things. Because I feel like such an ass that I just leave people hanging. It is hard to give explanations as to why you have come to a point where you feel you can no longer function. I hate to tell people the whole sordid story. It is embarrassing. Mainly because if you start talking to me and I am honest - I cry. I HATE to cry. Let me just reiterate what I just said...I cannot say it clear enough...I HATE TO CRY. And there for a while it's all I did. And it just made me more miserable. I could not explain it to my husband. I could not explain it to the people who saw me at church. I was sad. Soul wrenchingly sad. And I couldn't really tell you why.
It has gotten better. Some of it I do believe is nutrition and since I have started drinking Shakeology every day, I find I am better. But I still feel the gentle highs and lows. It is a way of life. I long for the manic times though. I love them. But I can't seem to have them without also having the lows.
I long for more gliding - less slogging.
I glide best when I do a few important things:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan (that is manage my time well - the HARDEST)
So over the next few days I am going to ponder why staying in the Word is so important, and why it seems to relieve me of my tendency to slog.
The Parable of the Sower is my first example of why it is so important to be in God's Word.
Click the link above to read.
The Parable of the Sower is a wonderful illustration of why the Word of God is so important. It gives us deep nutrition so when the pressures of life cause us to want to wither and fall away, we stand firm - even flourish. When in the Word we absorb the strength to withstand that pressure. I want the things that I do each day to mean something - to land somewhere and take root and stand whatever thing that comes up against me. God's Word gives me that ability .
Blessings
Slogging happens when we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the cares of this life.
For a Christian that generally means putting things ahead of God. It can mean worrying more about what your house looks like than what your soul looks like. For me - it generally means I have taken the reins away from God and am resolved to do it on my own. I like it that way. Problem is - it never works.
I compare it to my manic depressive episodes. I have never been diagnosed. But I know that I have some naturally occurring highs and lows. My grandmother was definitely manic depressive and I know what it looks like. I wonder if I will land there some day - but - until then I have chosen to deal with it the healthiest way possible. But as usual - I digress. My highs I feel GREAT. I take on everything. I am all things to all people. I am creative and productive and a bubbling, sparkling source of encouragement until I am not. I hit the skids and I stop - full out stop. I let down whatever things I was going to do, I let down my family by backing into a corner and I am no longer the sparkling, bubby thing I was just days before. I drop out of life. I can no longer cope. I can hardly get up to manage my household. I do, and I go to work and I love on my people but I am not my best when I get home. Usually I am the worst - because I have given it all away during the day and have nothing left for my family.
I have such guilt.
And I quit volunteering for things. I quit participating in things. Because I feel like such an ass that I just leave people hanging. It is hard to give explanations as to why you have come to a point where you feel you can no longer function. I hate to tell people the whole sordid story. It is embarrassing. Mainly because if you start talking to me and I am honest - I cry. I HATE to cry. Let me just reiterate what I just said...I cannot say it clear enough...I HATE TO CRY. And there for a while it's all I did. And it just made me more miserable. I could not explain it to my husband. I could not explain it to the people who saw me at church. I was sad. Soul wrenchingly sad. And I couldn't really tell you why.
It has gotten better. Some of it I do believe is nutrition and since I have started drinking Shakeology every day, I find I am better. But I still feel the gentle highs and lows. It is a way of life. I long for the manic times though. I love them. But I can't seem to have them without also having the lows.
I long for more gliding - less slogging.
I glide best when I do a few important things:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan (that is manage my time well - the HARDEST)
So over the next few days I am going to ponder why staying in the Word is so important, and why it seems to relieve me of my tendency to slog.
The Parable of the Sower is my first example of why it is so important to be in God's Word.
Click the link above to read.
The Parable of the Sower is a wonderful illustration of why the Word of God is so important. It gives us deep nutrition so when the pressures of life cause us to want to wither and fall away, we stand firm - even flourish. When in the Word we absorb the strength to withstand that pressure. I want the things that I do each day to mean something - to land somewhere and take root and stand whatever thing that comes up against me. God's Word gives me that ability .
Blessings
Friday, July 21, 2017
What I have learned this summer...
I have learned a lot this summer.
I have learned -again- that I am indeed a sinner that is prone to wander no matter the circumstances. It is exhausting when I try to live in my own strength. I just cannot do it. Well...graciously...really - it's just a train wreck.
I have learned that my best feature is my faith. Believe it or not - though my faith is weak - I tend to believe things that many doubt. This faith that is given to me, and to every human on this earth is a gift from God. My faith has been placed in many wrong things over the years, causing me to falter and fall. I have placed my faith in friends, money, my own abilities - and every single one of those things have let me down at one point or another. I have let it cause me to be bitter and drag around a burden that was not meant for me to carry.
God has something better.
I have learned that my boys - all three of them - in spite of me, have grown into young men that I am incredibly proud of. How did this happen? The grace of God. There is nothing in me that can make these boys be what they need to be. Can I help? Yes. And I should. Am I perfect? Sadly no. But if you read all of the articles that are posted on Facebook and circulating the web, you would think it was all up to us and the amount of TV and sugar and devices we do or don't let our kids indulge in. But it is not.
Of course there are things we need to do to raise our children well and we try to give them the tools they need to be successful. In the end though my trust has to be in God and not in anything I can give them. They are a work of the divine hand of God working through me to make them what He needs them to be.
I have learned that kids are kids. They are not always a reflection of what I am, or what I have taught them...and yet - they are. One of the most encouraging things I have come to understand over the years is that kids will grow out of the stupid things they say. The first set of students I discipled said and did some stupid things sometimes. I didn't worry about it at the time - #1 they weren't my children #2 I was also very young. But I heard adults that were leaders in the church say some things that I found wounded me, and would certainly hurt these kids we worked so hard to support in their journey to know God. What I have come to understand as an adult is that I cannot allow myself to think less of these kids because of what they say now. I have thought the same things as an adult about my own children, and other students I work with, that if voiced out loud could be hurtful. But God has allowed me to see those kids I disciple 20 + years ago that said stupid things, grow up into amazing adults that have poured themselves into other students and their own children - full of the GRACE of God. These kids I work with at the high school now (my own babies included) will grow up and start doing and saying stupid things less. I say less because I still say and do stupid things. I will not judge. When I think, "What a bonehead", I immediately follow it up with, "thank God they will grow out of it". And I mean it. And most of them will - due to God's grace and maybe even God's grace through me - so it causes me to "not grow weary in well doing" (Gal. 6:9).
I have learned that I can trust God each day to take care of my needs. When I purposefully make the decision to...and I have to do it minute by minute on some days, because my control fer-REAK ways want to run in and do what I think is best. God has protected me from myself...sometimes in ways that actually scared me more for a night as I wrestled over why this way wouldn't work. I woke up with faith that GOD had this. I had been given the solution to my worries and that was to trust God day by day, moment by moment.
And I will need this. I will have to remind myself of this - over and over again this year because...I have twin boys that are seniors and they are uncertain where they want to go. And I want to know now. I want the finances ironed out now and I want not to have to think about it anymore.
But that is not how God has chosen to work this scenario out...so wait I must.
Isaiah 40:31 [Full Chapter]
I have learned -again- that I am indeed a sinner that is prone to wander no matter the circumstances. It is exhausting when I try to live in my own strength. I just cannot do it. Well...graciously...really - it's just a train wreck.
I have learned that my best feature is my faith. Believe it or not - though my faith is weak - I tend to believe things that many doubt. This faith that is given to me, and to every human on this earth is a gift from God. My faith has been placed in many wrong things over the years, causing me to falter and fall. I have placed my faith in friends, money, my own abilities - and every single one of those things have let me down at one point or another. I have let it cause me to be bitter and drag around a burden that was not meant for me to carry.
God has something better.
I have learned that my boys - all three of them - in spite of me, have grown into young men that I am incredibly proud of. How did this happen? The grace of God. There is nothing in me that can make these boys be what they need to be. Can I help? Yes. And I should. Am I perfect? Sadly no. But if you read all of the articles that are posted on Facebook and circulating the web, you would think it was all up to us and the amount of TV and sugar and devices we do or don't let our kids indulge in. But it is not.
Of course there are things we need to do to raise our children well and we try to give them the tools they need to be successful. In the end though my trust has to be in God and not in anything I can give them. They are a work of the divine hand of God working through me to make them what He needs them to be.
I have learned that kids are kids. They are not always a reflection of what I am, or what I have taught them...and yet - they are. One of the most encouraging things I have come to understand over the years is that kids will grow out of the stupid things they say. The first set of students I discipled said and did some stupid things sometimes. I didn't worry about it at the time - #1 they weren't my children #2 I was also very young. But I heard adults that were leaders in the church say some things that I found wounded me, and would certainly hurt these kids we worked so hard to support in their journey to know God. What I have come to understand as an adult is that I cannot allow myself to think less of these kids because of what they say now. I have thought the same things as an adult about my own children, and other students I work with, that if voiced out loud could be hurtful. But God has allowed me to see those kids I disciple 20 + years ago that said stupid things, grow up into amazing adults that have poured themselves into other students and their own children - full of the GRACE of God. These kids I work with at the high school now (my own babies included) will grow up and start doing and saying stupid things less. I say less because I still say and do stupid things. I will not judge. When I think, "What a bonehead", I immediately follow it up with, "thank God they will grow out of it". And I mean it. And most of them will - due to God's grace and maybe even God's grace through me - so it causes me to "not grow weary in well doing" (Gal. 6:9).
I have learned that I can trust God each day to take care of my needs. When I purposefully make the decision to...and I have to do it minute by minute on some days, because my control fer-REAK ways want to run in and do what I think is best. God has protected me from myself...sometimes in ways that actually scared me more for a night as I wrestled over why this way wouldn't work. I woke up with faith that GOD had this. I had been given the solution to my worries and that was to trust God day by day, moment by moment.
And I will need this. I will have to remind myself of this - over and over again this year because...I have twin boys that are seniors and they are uncertain where they want to go. And I want to know now. I want the finances ironed out now and I want not to have to think about it anymore.
But that is not how God has chosen to work this scenario out...so wait I must.
Isaiah 40:31 [Full Chapter]
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
I am counting on this.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
The World is the Same
She wanted the baby.
When murder is a double homicide because the mom was
pregnant, the baby is considered another life because the
mom wanted that baby.
The baby's rights are done away with
when it comes to the mother's desires.
Our society is a selfish one. We are no longer willing to take responsibility for our actions. We are either victims or we rationalize that which would release us from our bonds. The makeup of man is certainly the same as it has always been...but we have lost our moral compass that causes us to hitch up our britches and make our mistakes mean something.
The World has always contained people that do bad things. It seems the problem with us today is we have decided that our problems are not our fault. And even if we acknowledge that the problems are our fault we do not think we should have to suffer the consequences. The results are we have become a characterless people. Lives have lost value and our own lives suffer because of it.
For those of us who believe in a Savior, we have an understanding that our sin has consequences and that we will suffer for that sin. But the Gospel gives us freedom, not from the consequences here on Earth, but for the guilt that would continue to plague us here and in the life to come.
Sin can have hard and serious consequences. It can seemingly ruin a life. But - in my opinion, when we deal with the consequences of our sin well, we become better. We add depth, and mercy, and a solidity to our character that makes us better. Better for ourselves and for others. Acknowledging our downfall and seeking forgiveness from others we have wronged and from God is not weakness. It is strength building...it is spiritual weightlifting. It will grow us and make us better.
It seems to me that when we accept our situation and our part in it, we can then do something about it.
Of course I am making generalizations. There are many who accept and deal well with the things that happen to them...whether they were at fault or not. But what we are seeing in the media is a tendency to shirk our own responsibility for our circumstances. And we are becoming a selfish, spoiled people because of it.
We can be so much more than we are aspiring to be. And it will be the end of society as we have known it.
Be warned.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
State of the Union - 2011...(mine)
I am not quite ready to let go of Christmas. I have not wanted to move to a new place quite yet. The old was not terrible - it is known and comforting. Especially in light of all of my blessings.
Last night I sat and looked at my Christmas lights (that will be up through this weekend - I am NOT ashamed to say) - and I remembered.
I have been given some time (which is a wonderful gift from God) to do some things around the house that I need to do.
I have amazing family. My boys are the most amazing little men. They are so smart (take after their Daddy) and conscientious (take after their Mama). My husband is my best friend and I love him so much. Thank goodness he makes me laugh and his generosity is both a gift and a reminder.
When I grow up, I want to be like my Mom and Dad. I still lean so heavily upon them and I am pretty sure it's their turn to return the favor. I love them so much. My Dad has given me his desire and will to accomplish anything I put my hand to. My Mom's servant heart is a rare gift - she uses it liberally.
My brother is still someone I admire and enjoy. His wife is like my sister and his kids are precious. They make me laugh and give me joy.
I have been blessed to have in-laws that do not follow the typical stereotype. My father-in-law and mother-in-law are so easy and helpful. I love how they come along side and seem to know where that line is to back off.
My husband's sister is also like a sister to me and her husband and family are awesome. My sadness is we just don't get to see them as much as we would like.
My Father in law would baby sit my twin baby boys. By himself - before he married. This never ceases to impress me.
My mother in law is actually my husband's step mother. She was best friends with my husbands mom. His mom passed away 15 years ago...just a couple of weeks after he and I got engaged. A couple of years later my father-in-law started dating my present mother-in-law and it is pretty obvious this was a unique situation. She is a blessing and we love her and her kids - who are absolutely like brother and sister to us as well.
I came from a baptist background. Huge church - lots of programs and I loved every minute of it. I was just about as involved as you could get. I worked there in both the youth ministry and the music ministry. It was awesome. When I moved to Birmingham to date my husband, he went to a much smaller church - a presbyterian church. Close to the exact opposite of where I attended church in Mobile. Conservative, and the music was traditional - there was no clapping...at all. Raising of the hands was shocking and tended to be frowned upon. So - at first - I was a bit lost - miserable at times. I actually did not understand the background of the presbyterian church (or church history at all) and was blessed to get into a Sunday School class where I learned. It was fascinating. I also learned what it was like to be a new-comer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Took me close to 2 years to assimilate into my present church. I have been there 16 years now and feel very much at home and blessed by my church home.
What I have found is:
It does not take being "like" others to feel a part of the family of God. If I am not feeling the fellowship - it is more than likely me and not others that is the cause.
I do not have to be part of the music and planning to enjoy what others have done. At first, I let it hurt my feelings. But what I have learned is there is a time for me to step back and let others do. I have tried to take part - but this is the wonderful thing - it is apparently not God's timing for me. I have learned to be content.
It is up to me to seek the lost and the hurting - does not have to be part of the church program.
I can worship in this place with people that are every bit as dear to me as those that I worshipped with my previous church- the place I considered my "ideal".
My friends have come from surprising and even unlikely places. I have learned that the written word and phone calls can knit the heart together as easily as meeting face to face (this can be both a blessing and dangerous).
God has been good to me. He has seen that who I need is there when I need them. He has continued to have his hand heavy on my life, even though I have tried to ignore and shrug him off - repeatedly.
He has delivered me from a job that started out to be the most fun and turned into one of the heaviest burdens I have carried in quite some time. I am waiting in anticipation for His next provision for me and my family. It is quite the adventure!
My heart is full. In spite of all the things I would love to whine about and the misery I would love to waller in...it is hard to. I am a rich woman. I have everything I need....
I think 2012 will be an amazing year!
Last night I sat and looked at my Christmas lights (that will be up through this weekend - I am NOT ashamed to say) - and I remembered.
I have been given some time (which is a wonderful gift from God) to do some things around the house that I need to do.
I have amazing family. My boys are the most amazing little men. They are so smart (take after their Daddy) and conscientious (take after their Mama). My husband is my best friend and I love him so much. Thank goodness he makes me laugh and his generosity is both a gift and a reminder.
When I grow up, I want to be like my Mom and Dad. I still lean so heavily upon them and I am pretty sure it's their turn to return the favor. I love them so much. My Dad has given me his desire and will to accomplish anything I put my hand to. My Mom's servant heart is a rare gift - she uses it liberally.
My brother is still someone I admire and enjoy. His wife is like my sister and his kids are precious. They make me laugh and give me joy.
I have been blessed to have in-laws that do not follow the typical stereotype. My father-in-law and mother-in-law are so easy and helpful. I love how they come along side and seem to know where that line is to back off.
My husband's sister is also like a sister to me and her husband and family are awesome. My sadness is we just don't get to see them as much as we would like.
My Father in law would baby sit my twin baby boys. By himself - before he married. This never ceases to impress me.
My mother in law is actually my husband's step mother. She was best friends with my husbands mom. His mom passed away 15 years ago...just a couple of weeks after he and I got engaged. A couple of years later my father-in-law started dating my present mother-in-law and it is pretty obvious this was a unique situation. She is a blessing and we love her and her kids - who are absolutely like brother and sister to us as well.
I came from a baptist background. Huge church - lots of programs and I loved every minute of it. I was just about as involved as you could get. I worked there in both the youth ministry and the music ministry. It was awesome. When I moved to Birmingham to date my husband, he went to a much smaller church - a presbyterian church. Close to the exact opposite of where I attended church in Mobile. Conservative, and the music was traditional - there was no clapping...at all. Raising of the hands was shocking and tended to be frowned upon. So - at first - I was a bit lost - miserable at times. I actually did not understand the background of the presbyterian church (or church history at all) and was blessed to get into a Sunday School class where I learned. It was fascinating. I also learned what it was like to be a new-comer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Took me close to 2 years to assimilate into my present church. I have been there 16 years now and feel very much at home and blessed by my church home.
What I have found is:
It does not take being "like" others to feel a part of the family of God. If I am not feeling the fellowship - it is more than likely me and not others that is the cause.
I do not have to be part of the music and planning to enjoy what others have done. At first, I let it hurt my feelings. But what I have learned is there is a time for me to step back and let others do. I have tried to take part - but this is the wonderful thing - it is apparently not God's timing for me. I have learned to be content.
It is up to me to seek the lost and the hurting - does not have to be part of the church program.
I can worship in this place with people that are every bit as dear to me as those that I worshipped with my previous church- the place I considered my "ideal".
My friends have come from surprising and even unlikely places. I have learned that the written word and phone calls can knit the heart together as easily as meeting face to face (this can be both a blessing and dangerous).
God has been good to me. He has seen that who I need is there when I need them. He has continued to have his hand heavy on my life, even though I have tried to ignore and shrug him off - repeatedly.
He has delivered me from a job that started out to be the most fun and turned into one of the heaviest burdens I have carried in quite some time. I am waiting in anticipation for His next provision for me and my family. It is quite the adventure!
My heart is full. In spite of all the things I would love to whine about and the misery I would love to waller in...it is hard to. I am a rich woman. I have everything I need....
I think 2012 will be an amazing year!
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