I haven't posted in TWO MONTHS. But creatively, I have been sapped. Just don't have the gumption to get on here and even be partly interesting. Not that I have any idea at this point if I really am interesting or not. I guess it is enough just to be writing out my thoughts and putting myself out there for accountability's sake.
This summer has been busy. I like the lazy days of summer and I have not seen those yet. I was talking to Ginny - a friend from church yesterday and she said exactly what I was thinking. "I use to say,"things will get back to normal soon", and then I would wonder what normal was, normal would not happen". So funny. I thought I was the only one that had an idea of what "normal" was and couldn't seem to find it. Frustrating in a way. But I wonder if that is my fault. I have some ideal of what a normal life should look like and I am so beyond that point I have forgotten that even in the midst of that time - it was not "normal".
Can I make "normal"? I should be able to control our schedule shouldn't I? Is "normal" a state of mind? Do I allow my life to gallop wildly out of control? Of course this is an overstatement. It is not wildly out of control...it just feels like it. But I should be able to control some of that shouldn't I? Surely?
For instance: My day was suppose to be cleaning the house (a quick blessing of the house if you will) and then on to the library, back for lunch then possibly a swim in the pool down the street. Walking my husband out this morning I see as he drives away a puddle of dark liquid. I run down and find it is oil...lots of it. I run up my mountain of a driveway, call him on his cell and tell him to bring the stationwagon back. So now, I get to go to the car place with three kids. Not the way it is suppose to be! wah.
But, on the bright side, I did see the oil and I can take it and get it fixed before there is more damage. This is good. Do I want to praise God for it? Honestly, and I know this just proves me to be so flawed and ugly - but I am truly flawed and ugly...NO...I am not thankful. Can I choose to be? Yes. I can choose to let go of this rebellious knot of resentment over my spoiled day and be thankful that more money and time will not be poured into my car. Letting it go and making a choice. ahhh. So hard. But once the decision is made to do so...it is so right. I am relaxed and at ease...whereas before I was tense and angry. There are practical as well as spiritual reasons to let go of the anger I had.
What if this is normal? And I daresay it probably - very likely, is. Where did my ideal day come from anyway? Did I actually have a time in my life where things flowed smoothly and it seemed idyllic? Did I just make it up in my head and label that what normal should be? Cause that is NOT what the Bible says.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
I am promised trouble. I do believe that I have made up what I think normal should be and I pine for it. This cannot be healthy. It is not spiritually sanctioned.
Treasures in Heaven
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I am not living spiritually in this world. I am living worldly. My goals truly do lean toward what makes me happy and what is easiest for me and my family. And that is not where my joy or my peace will be found. My treasures, my stores are to be laid up in heaven. My desires should not be for this world but for the world that is to come. Because I am an alien in this world. (that brings me to more ponderings that I will touch on later...Christians truly should know what it feels like to be a minority - in my mind we have not had that experience...but it is coming fast)
So, normal should be a battle field - where I am daily putting on the armour of God and fighting the good fight. No wonder I am so unhappy all the time. I am trying to live a life that is not yet to be. I am told so.
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.
We are up to our eyeballs in evil...we should be living every day like that.
Normal...my normal - is today. It is warring and fighting the good fight. Thank God he gives me days that are glimpses of what my "ideal normal" will be. These days give me the ability to go on.
Ah. So thankful for the Word of God. My compass. My true North...without it I would flounder for sure.