Conviction

I have been frustrated with my situation for quite some time now. I love my job. But the lack of time to do things I consider "ministry" or "service" has brought me low many times. Today - I was reading some things my cousin posted on Facebook. He is a missionary to China. It suddenly hit me that though I have called my job and new status a mission field, I am not living that way. What a waste of my time in the places I have been over the last year.

Also - I have found that I don't think I am "good enough" anymore. Because of my struggle  with my faith and my continued frustration with no time to accomplish what I think I need to, I feel like I can't do the things I would like. I find myself saying things like, "If only I could get this house clean", or "If only I could get past [whatever]". And basically - I find I am just a stinker. A mess maker. A goof off. And I like it. This is a problem to be sure.

The fact is, I cannot keep that attitude and expect to ever accomplish anything...

Have I written about this before? I am having a dejavu moment. You know I have been convicted about it - I just didn't act on my conviction apparently.

I do long to make a difference where I am. I love that God convicted me in the middle of my backslide - not just of my sin - but of my ability to serve in spite of my fallen condition.

Truly - it is a sign of God's patience and fatherly love to reach out to me in such a state. I asked him to show himself to me and he did. Again.

My heart overflows.

Now - to get started...