Conviction

I have been frustrated with my situation for quite some time now. I love my job. But the lack of time to do things I consider "ministry" or "service" has brought me low many times. Today - I was reading some things my cousin posted on Facebook. He is a missionary to China. It suddenly hit me that though I have called my job and new status a mission field, I am not living that way. What a waste of my time in the places I have been over the last year.

Also - I have found that I don't think I am "good enough" anymore. Because of my struggle  with my faith and my continued frustration with no time to accomplish what I think I need to, I feel like I can't do the things I would like. I find myself saying things like, "If only I could get this house clean", or "If only I could get past [whatever]". And basically - I find I am just a stinker. A mess maker. A goof off. And I like it. This is a problem to be sure.

The fact is, I cannot keep that attitude and expect to ever accomplish anything...

Have I written about this before? I am having a dejavu moment. You know I have been convicted about it - I just didn't act on my conviction apparently.

I do long to make a difference where I am. I love that God convicted me in the middle of my backslide - not just of my sin - but of my ability to serve in spite of my fallen condition.

Truly - it is a sign of God's patience and fatherly love to reach out to me in such a state. I asked him to show himself to me and he did. Again.

My heart overflows.

Now - to get started...

So of course I think I know....

how to do everything right. My decisions, my understanding, my actions - always right on the money.

Of course not.

It's baseball season. I love baseball season.  I love baseball. I love that my boys love baseball.

I am competitive. Very competitive. Way, way, way, WAY too competitive.

When my husband and I were in college we were playing Pictionary and I totally screamed at him and didn't want him to be my partner anymore because he kept calling what I drew a "poodle" when it was clearly a BUFFALO. Another time some friends bankrupted me in Monopoly and I threw my deeds, my scotty dog and my money at them and walked out of the house. I had to go back and say I was sorry. I quit playing games for a long time because of it.

I am working full time now...with a recruiting campaign, and an audit coming up with my boss out of town. I leave there and go directly to baseball practice or game. Feed on the fly, wash baseball uniforms, go to bed for 5 hours, get up and do it all over again.

 These are not good combinations. They absolutely mean that the goofball that is me on a good day is going to make an ass of herself somehow, someway. Probably multiple times.

And I did. Other people seem to do as much as I do  - they work, they have kids, and manage to be somewhat sane in their actions and reactions. Not me. Always have to embarrass myself somehow...

So my 11YO's baseball team loses. The kids actually play pretty good. But there were a couple of bad decisions. We started out playing well and threw the game away. It made me mad. Really mad.

I felt it coming on. And instead of stopping the downward spiral I wallered in it. WALLERED IN IT. I stomped off after the game so I could compose myself. But not before muttering under my breath (maybe not so much under my breath). I did come back after taking some deep breaths - but I was embarrassed. But it gets more embarrassing.

I am talking to a friend later and he says something about my blog and how cathartic it must be - or something like that - he says I can go home and write down my feelings and delete it - and I am immediately so very, very sorry for my behavior. Not just because I totally got put in my place (whether he meant to do that or not), but because I knew I was going there and I just didn't want to stop it. I wanted to get mad. I wanted people to know it and I indulged. And I allowed myself to forget who I represent. Certainly not me. If it was just me - no biggy.

I write about stuff - mostly about me and God. Goodness knows I am not perfect...if he wanted a perfect child - he would not have created me to be sure. But because I love God and want to please him...I should try harder to find that internal fortitude to be a better sport.

Good grief - I hope I will become someone I would like to be some day. Wise, gracious, kind - self controlled. But at this rate...it ain't going to be any time soon.

Quite honestly I feel further away than I have in a long, long time. Not sure how to fix it...but God help me try.