Sunday morning I woke up and dragged myself and my boys to Kingdom Community at my church (Sunday School). I got there late and was too embarrassed to go in and interrupt the teacher so I hung outside. I saw our children's minister and began talking to him. Our oldest children just graduated from high school. We started talking about their future plans and how God is leading them. I started tearing up as I told him my fears for my babies. I did not do a good enough job. I failed them in so many areas. I have not prayed for them as I should. I did not make them do things I probably should have made them do, and now, in a few short weeks they will be away from me. And my heart cries.
In my discussion with him, I realized I am scared to death. I did not do right by my children and now they were going to fail at college because of me.
So Monday. I am slogging through this fear. I cannot see beyond it. I am totally captivated and en-mired in it. I accomplish nothing. I do not go to God. As a matter of fact, I start dredging up and making excuses for all of my failures. And I mention that God failed me in my mutterings. He has left me alone to dangle in my miserable little world (of MY creation). A friend texted me and sent me encouraging words from scripture and I ignored them. Instead of paying heed, I buried myself in reading and watching Netflix. I put off thinking at all by filling my mind with something that would keep me from both fear and accomplishing what I needed to. I envisioned things that were unholy and self serving. I did it until the wee hours of the morning. I did not want to lay my head down. I was mentally and physically fatigued to the point of wishing when I closed my eyes, I would not wake up again.
Now - I am not normally a melodramatic person. I truly hate drama. And yet - I reveled in it yesterday. I drummed it up and danced around it. Ridiculous.
I slept. Finally.
This morning my heavenly father - whose mercies are new every morning met me where I was - in the mess I had made in an unfettered mind run amuck. My mind was still and I went downstairs to a pot of coffee that had been made and left for me by my husband. And I sat with it and reached for my devotional book written for moms, and it led me to this scripture:
Romans 5 NIV
I am undone. The Gospel - so simple and so rewarding - can be so offensive to an independent mind like my own. I think it is all up to me. The Gospel says it is not. I think that if I mess up, that my life and those touched by it will not prosper. The Gospel says that is not true.
My hope lies with a God who sacrificed his Son so that I might live an imperfect yet significant life. This life of struggle is a beautiful thing - when my mind is set correctly. The law which I am so set to follow and do on my own, only points me to Christ in my failure to be able to accomplish it. My "I got this" attitude is a smelly mess and serves no one well. Because honestly, I do not have this. I WANT to have this. I WANT to accomplish and prosper by my own hand. I WANT to be a person who is admired and loved by those accomplishments. But that is not possible. I end up failing and berating myself and utterly miserable.
The Gospel says that I have HOPE in the midst of my sin - my inabilities, my failures, my stubborn refusal to trust.
And the gem that truly makes my heart relax, my mind rest is this:
Romans 5:20b, 21 But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Grace. (the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.) In spite of my failures, God holds out grace to me and to my children. Does God expect my perfection? My abilities? Even my consistency? No. He knows me. He knows my lack of ability, my inconsistency and my imperfection (vast ) - He sees it and loves me anyway. I cannot comprehend it. It is where I fail to trust him every time.
This morning I am praising God. He has raised me up in the midst of my misery to a new hope and fervor to be faithful to show him and his mercies to my family and to those who are much like me. They will be fine. He will show himself faithful to them, just as he has been to me. I pray they are better at listening and believing than I am. I pray they do not beat their heads against a wall in their attempt to do it all by themselves. But I am afraid they are much like me and will have the same struggles. But God is faithful. They will be fine.
I hope this finds someone and encourages them as it has me. God is gracious in his love toward us. On that we can rely.
God bless and keep you!
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Hush Hush Saga - Books 1 - 4
I just finished reading The Hush Hush Saga by Becca Fitzpatrick. Young adult and teen readers will enjoy it.
The books are about a young girl named Nora who recently lost her father. Her mother works leaving her by herself very often. She is 16, a good student and has one very good friend. And a nemesis that plagues her named Marcie. She is in class with a dangerous, dark, very attractive boy that she is wary of. But when he gets placed as her partner for an assignment, she becomes intrigued by him. Of course this eventually leads to a romance that eventually reveals that she has nephilim blood. Nephilim being half angel, half human.
The whole angel thing is a separate and confused from what we traditionally think of angels as being. The archangels are selfish and manipulative. There are also fallen angels that live on Earth and - basically seem to be criminals. Patch - the dark, dangerous boy Nora falls for is a fallen angel. There is enmity between the archangels, fallen angels and the nephilim. Nephilim are considered a mistake and it appears the archangels and the fallen angels in the midst of their own quarreling, agree the nephilim are good for only one thing and that is during the month of Cheshvan they can be possessed by the fallen angels. The reason the fallen angels want to possess the nephilim is because they cannot feel. They sense emotion - but sensation from physical touch is withheld from them. Which means during that month they force the nephilim to swear fealty to them and possess their bodies to obtain sensation. Of course, this causes resentment and anger from the nephilim. There is unrest and the story is about this unrest and how Nora becomes an integral part of solving the problem, or of perpetuating it - you decide.
There is very little value to this book other than entertainment. Nora is a petty, immature - almost bratty at times, only child. She is shallow and really any fortitude she shows comes from - well - really - I don't know where it comes from. She is flat and I found no connection with her at all.
What she needs is what every other insecure teenager - or person in general - needs. Acceptance and love.
"Patch's hands fell on my hips, pulling me close. "Yeah. Need a demonstration?" He kissed me once. Then again, drawing it out with a few inventive maneuvers of his tongue. "I love you". "...He brushed the curls back off my face. "I never picture my life so complete. I never thought I'd have everything I want. You're everything to me Angel [Norah]."
"His words filled my heart to the brim. I loved him in a way I'd never be able to express in words. He was part of me. And I was part of him. Tethered together for the rest of eternity. I leaned in and kissed him. "I just might take you up on your offer...."
There is nothing wrong with needing love, or longing to be loved. I have a problem with it when our kiddos think it is the answer to everything - or that finding someone that loves you and you love back will make life perfect. But of course - everyone loves a happy ending and the girl gets the boy seems to be the one most prefer. (smile) Really the books I love are the ones that show the girl finds her worth in something other than the boy and he appreciates her for what she is...not just for being his.
It is a good story. I wanted to see what happened which led me easily and very quickly from book 1 - book 4. This could have easily been fit into one book though. Which seems to be the bent of the day. Charge $10 a piece for 4 books you would really only be willing to pay $15 for. Easy summer reading...that is my summation of the book. Get it from the library if you can.
Happy Reading Folks!
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Review: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Author: Veronica Roth
Publisher: Katherine Tegan Books
Genre: Young Adult Fiction, Dystopian, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Divergent is about a world that has long since had its World War III and is trying to piece itself back together. A group of people living within walls of a broken down Chicago, where Lake Michigan is all but gone. Five factions - a way of dividing society so it prospers - manage day to day lives. Abnegation is the government. They are selfless and are trusted to make and uphold laws because of their natural ability to deny themselves what they want most. Candor manages law. The Candors are honest to a fault - annoyingly so. So it stands to reason that they handle the law the same way. Amity are the food producers. They are kind and value peace above all things. They are silly and loving and will do whatever they need to in order to avoid conflict. Erudite are smart. They handle technology and science. This faction is where the doctors and the computer techs reside. And then there is Dauntless. They are the ones who guard the city and its people. They are the ones who keep the town safe and look to help those who cannot help themselves when it comes to violence. They are reckless and brave.
When the children of the city turn 16. They are tested for their traits and have to decide which faction suits them. They then go to live in that faction. They can choose to stay in their own, even if they test differently. But if they choose to go to a different faction, they are asked to cleave to their faction. They believe strongly in "faction before family".
Beatrice Prior is a small, colorless girl. She is seemingly timid. She tries to adhere to her Abnegation teachings, but feels she is not worthy of the selfless behavior her faction exhibits. The books are about about her choice and how she deals with it.
There are so many wonderful aspects to this story. Tris Prior is a small heroine that becomes larger than life as her story unfolds. Her small, paleness is outweighed by her ability to take several of her traits and use them. She becomes striking and brave and is strong beyond some of her larger more beautiful cohorts. She is not afraid to be who she is. She grows throughout the books. She is not perfect; She is flawed. Her journey is not easy. She fights her own frailties and flounders a bit. I love this about her.
Four is her trainer and her strong support. He is an amazing character in that he has very few fears. He guards those fears but allows himself to be vulnerable with Tris. His own story unfolds and makes someone seemingly invincible become wonderfully human.
Each faction has merit, but it also has its equal failings. Veronica Roth builds an amazing story around human traits that allows us to see that each person has potential to be their very best or very worst self. Our choices are what propel us to be more than we ever thought: Or end us.
Publisher: Katherine Tegan Books
Genre: Young Adult Fiction, Dystopian, Fantasy, Science Fiction
Divergent is about a world that has long since had its World War III and is trying to piece itself back together. A group of people living within walls of a broken down Chicago, where Lake Michigan is all but gone. Five factions - a way of dividing society so it prospers - manage day to day lives. Abnegation is the government. They are selfless and are trusted to make and uphold laws because of their natural ability to deny themselves what they want most. Candor manages law. The Candors are honest to a fault - annoyingly so. So it stands to reason that they handle the law the same way. Amity are the food producers. They are kind and value peace above all things. They are silly and loving and will do whatever they need to in order to avoid conflict. Erudite are smart. They handle technology and science. This faction is where the doctors and the computer techs reside. And then there is Dauntless. They are the ones who guard the city and its people. They are the ones who keep the town safe and look to help those who cannot help themselves when it comes to violence. They are reckless and brave.
When the children of the city turn 16. They are tested for their traits and have to decide which faction suits them. They then go to live in that faction. They can choose to stay in their own, even if they test differently. But if they choose to go to a different faction, they are asked to cleave to their faction. They believe strongly in "faction before family".
Beatrice Prior is a small, colorless girl. She is seemingly timid. She tries to adhere to her Abnegation teachings, but feels she is not worthy of the selfless behavior her faction exhibits. The books are about about her choice and how she deals with it.
There are so many wonderful aspects to this story. Tris Prior is a small heroine that becomes larger than life as her story unfolds. Her small, paleness is outweighed by her ability to take several of her traits and use them. She becomes striking and brave and is strong beyond some of her larger more beautiful cohorts. She is not afraid to be who she is. She grows throughout the books. She is not perfect; She is flawed. Her journey is not easy. She fights her own frailties and flounders a bit. I love this about her.
Four is her trainer and her strong support. He is an amazing character in that he has very few fears. He guards those fears but allows himself to be vulnerable with Tris. His own story unfolds and makes someone seemingly invincible become wonderfully human.
Each faction has merit, but it also has its equal failings. Veronica Roth builds an amazing story around human traits that allows us to see that each person has potential to be their very best or very worst self. Our choices are what propel us to be more than we ever thought: Or end us.
I loved these books. Hated the movies. What's new?
The stories have language and premarital sex. It is not rampant. The kids are little adults. Seem to be much older than they actually are. Tris and Four's relationship is fairly balanced. It is very mature. Parents are present - but are background characters. They are also a mixed bag of good and bad. Some better than others.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Review - Lux Novels - Jennifer L. Armentrout
Lux Series by Jennifer L. Armentrout. Publisher: Entangled Teen
Genre: Young Adult, Fantasy, Romance, Paranormal
The Lux series is about a group of aliens that travelled to earth to live. They have assimilated seamlessly - or have seemed to until some unexpected things occur. A Floridian named Katy that moves to West Virginia is our heroine. Her dad died of cancer and her devoted work-a-holic mom is wanting to start over in a new place. Ketterman, West Virginia is a very small town full of strange people. And there is an obvious tension from the very beginning. Her next door neighbors are siblings. Beautiful siblings. Her first encounter is with an annoying but beautiful boy named Damon. She then gets to meet his equally beautiful sister who is charming and very likable. They are destined to become great friends - in spite of huge differences. Those differences are what this book is based on. That - and overcoming those differences. And of course an undeniable sexual attraction. A girl - who doesn't really know she is beautiful and a boy - who definitely does know he is beautiful - fall in love. Each additional book opens to new characters and perpetuates the saga of Katy and Daemon as well as Daemon's family and those connected with a secret government operation that uses people to further their plans. No one can be trusted (but the person you love and that loves you back) and everyone has a dark side.
These books are easy reading, light, fun and exciting. Jennifer Armentrout is good at hooking you into reading more. Young adults and teens will eat it up.
I like that she takes different groups of characters and shows there are good ones and bad ones. There is no black and white - lots of gray, all good all bad. Each person has strengths and frailties - they can be good - but they can be bad. It takes into account that bad decisions can't be undone. They can be absolved by sincerity of intention - as long as that person is willing to look past what is seemingly too big of an obstacle to overcome. There is also a sense of working off your bad decisions - making it right.
Titillation (I really don't like this word - but it is accurate) is all throughout the book. It will hold a teen or young adult captive for sure. There is pre-marital sex and absentee parents abound. These kids are raising themselves. With limited help from supportive and loving parents. A teenager's dream. If only all teenagers were as mature as these kiddos. Another thing that realistically speaking our young people need to realize, is that it takes more than just loving one person and them loving you back to keep you happy. There are parts of the book that make Katy and Daemon's complete and utter happiness in their love seem like the pinnacle of all things. Which, of course, is not true.
And the kids have potty mouths. Words like douchebag, dickhead, slut shaming, and there are others - such as fuck - but you get the picture. Really not so different than what I hear in the hallways at school. If you have a teenager - they have more than likely heard these words. It is a maturity thing. Most kids grow out of it. But you need to know it is there.
Jennifer Armentrout has young adult fiction and she labels it well. It really is all about the relationship. Katy is sassy and she doesn't cave to the male lead. She fights him and herself to be who she is. Does she care about others in relation to Daemon? Yes - she does. The couple is a happy accident though. Typical pushing away because of the inability to believe he could be attracted to her but the attraction cannot be stopped and therefore they end up in a big mess that has to be overcome because of their - da da da dum....forbidden love. But it is an enjoyable big mess.
She also does adult fiction which - if your teen tumbles into looking for more of her books - is soft porn. And it is racy stuff. You should be aware of that. And it is available from your online library - so they can have it on their device and you might never know unless you are pretty good at keeping up with what they download.
My job in this review is not to recommend one way or the other. It is strictly to give parents an idea of what their child is reading. And if you find they are reading it, the information above should give you a good basis to ask questions that will allow them to think realistically.
God bless and keep you.
Happy Reading
Genre: Young Adult, Fantasy, Romance, Paranormal
The Lux series is about a group of aliens that travelled to earth to live. They have assimilated seamlessly - or have seemed to until some unexpected things occur. A Floridian named Katy that moves to West Virginia is our heroine. Her dad died of cancer and her devoted work-a-holic mom is wanting to start over in a new place. Ketterman, West Virginia is a very small town full of strange people. And there is an obvious tension from the very beginning. Her next door neighbors are siblings. Beautiful siblings. Her first encounter is with an annoying but beautiful boy named Damon. She then gets to meet his equally beautiful sister who is charming and very likable. They are destined to become great friends - in spite of huge differences. Those differences are what this book is based on. That - and overcoming those differences. And of course an undeniable sexual attraction. A girl - who doesn't really know she is beautiful and a boy - who definitely does know he is beautiful - fall in love. Each additional book opens to new characters and perpetuates the saga of Katy and Daemon as well as Daemon's family and those connected with a secret government operation that uses people to further their plans. No one can be trusted (but the person you love and that loves you back) and everyone has a dark side.
These books are easy reading, light, fun and exciting. Jennifer Armentrout is good at hooking you into reading more. Young adults and teens will eat it up.
I like that she takes different groups of characters and shows there are good ones and bad ones. There is no black and white - lots of gray, all good all bad. Each person has strengths and frailties - they can be good - but they can be bad. It takes into account that bad decisions can't be undone. They can be absolved by sincerity of intention - as long as that person is willing to look past what is seemingly too big of an obstacle to overcome. There is also a sense of working off your bad decisions - making it right.
Titillation (I really don't like this word - but it is accurate) is all throughout the book. It will hold a teen or young adult captive for sure. There is pre-marital sex and absentee parents abound. These kids are raising themselves. With limited help from supportive and loving parents. A teenager's dream. If only all teenagers were as mature as these kiddos. Another thing that realistically speaking our young people need to realize, is that it takes more than just loving one person and them loving you back to keep you happy. There are parts of the book that make Katy and Daemon's complete and utter happiness in their love seem like the pinnacle of all things. Which, of course, is not true.
And the kids have potty mouths. Words like douchebag, dickhead, slut shaming, and there are others - such as fuck - but you get the picture. Really not so different than what I hear in the hallways at school. If you have a teenager - they have more than likely heard these words. It is a maturity thing. Most kids grow out of it. But you need to know it is there.
Jennifer Armentrout has young adult fiction and she labels it well. It really is all about the relationship. Katy is sassy and she doesn't cave to the male lead. She fights him and herself to be who she is. Does she care about others in relation to Daemon? Yes - she does. The couple is a happy accident though. Typical pushing away because of the inability to believe he could be attracted to her but the attraction cannot be stopped and therefore they end up in a big mess that has to be overcome because of their - da da da dum....forbidden love. But it is an enjoyable big mess.
She also does adult fiction which - if your teen tumbles into looking for more of her books - is soft porn. And it is racy stuff. You should be aware of that. And it is available from your online library - so they can have it on their device and you might never know unless you are pretty good at keeping up with what they download.
My job in this review is not to recommend one way or the other. It is strictly to give parents an idea of what their child is reading. And if you find they are reading it, the information above should give you a good basis to ask questions that will allow them to think realistically.
God bless and keep you.
Happy Reading
Reviews and Tools For Parents and Teachers
I am going to start reviewing books. I read a lot of books. I read a lot of Young Adult fiction. You know why? Because I have worked with high school kids for 30 years and I know how easily influenced they can be by the written word. Especially romance and the ideas that come with those mush laden stories. My girls - and boys - need me to know what they are reading. They need YOU to know what they are reading. There are tools we can give them that will help them enjoy and be balanced in their reading. It's hard work. Especially if you don't love to read. But I am here to help you. (smile)
When Twilight was the thing I remember seeing some of my girls reading it and telling them, "It's a fun read - but please...PLEASE understand, a guy climbing through your window and watching you sleep is not sexy. In reality - it is seriously CREEPY. And you would freak the heck out -that's a normal response. Hear me - normal response is to freak the heck out - do NOT think that is something you want." I laughingly deliver this - but I am so serious. They know it.
Not kidding. Our kids need to be told this. OK - Some of our kids. I would have been one of those kids. The fairy tale was what I wanted to be reality and it got me into a bit of trouble at times.
Another thing that comes with the dose of good common sense while reading these books is the ability to tell myself that I will not feed into the rampant PATHOS. Yes. I said PATHOS. I cry - I can feel so sorry for the heroine - and in turn - I feel sorry for myself. This 51 year old woman has put herself in the place of the 18 - 23 year old in the book and am totally bawling over the unfairness of life. Thankfully - when I finish I can talk to myself and say it's pitiful. Feeling sorry for myself does me no good. Yes, I understand hard things happen - but I can shake it off and move forward. I don't always think our sweet girls or boys do this. They kind of hunker down in the hormones and waller. Please understand - the comforting blanket of mutual understanding these books bring to our kids, can be a dangerous place. We do not need to let them escape permanently into the realm of books and get lost. It can happen. And generally what happens is they try to live it out in their day to day life. This needs to be constructively nipped. Teach them how to talk to themselves about these books. Teach them how to disassociate themselves from the heroines or heroes in a realistic way. This will actually help them take away the good stuff the book offers and leave the weird stuff, or even the unhealthy stuff behind. Momentary loss of self in books is an amazing thing. But we do need to escape to reality. Our kids can be taught this. It is important.
As a parent or teacher, we also need to understand what context we are wanting to deliver information to our child or student. That would be our morals, our guide to living well, our religious or social beliefs. Heck yeah we are to set up a network of our teaching that will help our kiddos make it through the middle and high school years and on through college. Know what you believe, construct a scaffold of truths to live by and teach it to your kids. Teaching the love of reading with a good framework in place will lead to balance and healthy self-image. Of course as a teacher in a school, your religious and social beliefs should be yours and kept that way, parents can give their kids that information and of course the kids will make their own choices as they get older. But a good foundation of thinking of others, being aware of their surroundings, being grounded in reality and being kind, is a great point of view to start reading a book.
I hope this helps with knowing what works for your student to read. I think that knowing your child and their personality will help as well. Your best tool is to know the book to be able to discuss it with them - in a casual manner. Asking questions to get them to form an opinion about how that book relates to them is also a great thing.
Happy Reading folks!
My first review will be the series of Lux novels by Jennifer L. Armentrout. So be looking for it!
When Twilight was the thing I remember seeing some of my girls reading it and telling them, "It's a fun read - but please...PLEASE understand, a guy climbing through your window and watching you sleep is not sexy. In reality - it is seriously CREEPY. And you would freak the heck out -that's a normal response. Hear me - normal response is to freak the heck out - do NOT think that is something you want." I laughingly deliver this - but I am so serious. They know it.
Not kidding. Our kids need to be told this. OK - Some of our kids. I would have been one of those kids. The fairy tale was what I wanted to be reality and it got me into a bit of trouble at times.
Another thing that comes with the dose of good common sense while reading these books is the ability to tell myself that I will not feed into the rampant PATHOS. Yes. I said PATHOS. I cry - I can feel so sorry for the heroine - and in turn - I feel sorry for myself. This 51 year old woman has put herself in the place of the 18 - 23 year old in the book and am totally bawling over the unfairness of life. Thankfully - when I finish I can talk to myself and say it's pitiful. Feeling sorry for myself does me no good. Yes, I understand hard things happen - but I can shake it off and move forward. I don't always think our sweet girls or boys do this. They kind of hunker down in the hormones and waller. Please understand - the comforting blanket of mutual understanding these books bring to our kids, can be a dangerous place. We do not need to let them escape permanently into the realm of books and get lost. It can happen. And generally what happens is they try to live it out in their day to day life. This needs to be constructively nipped. Teach them how to talk to themselves about these books. Teach them how to disassociate themselves from the heroines or heroes in a realistic way. This will actually help them take away the good stuff the book offers and leave the weird stuff, or even the unhealthy stuff behind. Momentary loss of self in books is an amazing thing. But we do need to escape to reality. Our kids can be taught this. It is important.
As a parent or teacher, we also need to understand what context we are wanting to deliver information to our child or student. That would be our morals, our guide to living well, our religious or social beliefs. Heck yeah we are to set up a network of our teaching that will help our kiddos make it through the middle and high school years and on through college. Know what you believe, construct a scaffold of truths to live by and teach it to your kids. Teaching the love of reading with a good framework in place will lead to balance and healthy self-image. Of course as a teacher in a school, your religious and social beliefs should be yours and kept that way, parents can give their kids that information and of course the kids will make their own choices as they get older. But a good foundation of thinking of others, being aware of their surroundings, being grounded in reality and being kind, is a great point of view to start reading a book.
I hope this helps with knowing what works for your student to read. I think that knowing your child and their personality will help as well. Your best tool is to know the book to be able to discuss it with them - in a casual manner. Asking questions to get them to form an opinion about how that book relates to them is also a great thing.
Happy Reading folks!
My first review will be the series of Lux novels by Jennifer L. Armentrout. So be looking for it!
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Grace
Grace is the foundation of the Christian faith. Without it, we are lost.
In my 51 years, I have found it is also a necessity in living a happy life, a fulfilled life. Unfortunately, it is not until recently that I realized how very important it is in moving away from the past. And that I was not applying it rightly.
There were things that happened in my young adult years that embittered me toward Christians and toward precious friends. I withheld my love and my forgiveness as a protection against a hurt that I could not seem to overcome. I have many times sought to exorcise these nasty hurts by writing about them, but what I ended up doing is perpetuating a hurt and thus extricating myself from these people I loved so dearly. I turned my back on a congregation and a denomination considering it baggage left well behind. But it follows me still. The blessing is that God has given me a better understanding of grace and how it plays a role in my life beyond God's underlying gift that allows me to have fellowship with Him. It is also His way of allowing me to have fellowship with other believers. And though I am sure I knew this in some manner- I did not realize I was not practicing it in my own faith. I never once applied it to the series of events that left me so wounded.
The fact is, I have always held myself as a victim of the selfishness and lack of love of these friends. Did they know they hurt me? The answer to that is yes and no. I think I made it clear I felt abandoned and unloved by their behavior toward me, but I do not think I let them know how broken I was, because of my own pride. This led to a hardening of myself toward them that caused a callous to form and resentment to build and a painful, unhealed wound underneath that managed to fester and return time and again. I would bandage it up with a false sense of piety that I was right and they were wrong, when all along, I was just as wrong. But I considered all those that so easily moved on past my own misery as disposable. What's more, this sense of being wronged has followed me into my middle age (I hate using "middle aged" - but for lack of better right now - I use it) friendships.
The fact is - I am immature. Still. But I have matured enough to understand that I was very much a part of their behavior toward me. There were things I did that led to their actions and instead of recognizing that and admitting it at the time, in my sinful pride, I heaped the blame on them and benefitted not one bit, but wallered (that's wallowed y'all) in my own misery. For YEARS.
So sad. Such a waste of energy and time. And I pushed away new friends in fear of the same thing happening. Not realizing that it was something I actually did have control of. Go figure. And me such a control freak.
So - this week I reached out to a beloved friend and found the same kindred spirit there. And she was in need. I had the privilege of praying for her and it has filled my heart and spilled over. Miraculously I have love and the desire to place myself (proverbally - please don't make me do it literally Lord) at the feet of these old friends.
If grace - unmerited favor - is truly a gift, one we have received from God, then it is one we can and should extend - for our own fulfillment.
Friday, October 6, 2017
The Word, The Life, The Light, The Lamb
I love the first chapter of John. It is a passage that is absolutely rich with The Word and why it is so important for us.
John 1
In this first chapter, we are told that The Word (Christ) has been with us since the beginning of time, that nothing was made without him, that indeed he is The Life and that The Life was The Light of men. He shines in the darkness....AND THE DARKNESS CANNOT OVERCOME IT.
So Jesus has been part of the picture since the beginning. He was not a backup plan God created to fix a situation that went awry. He was there when God was creating us and this beautiful world. When the whole debacle in the garden happened, God was not surprised. He made a way.
Enter hundreds of years later - John the Baptist heralding the coming of The Word in flesh. in verse 8 we are told John came to bear witness about The Light.
It goes on to tell us that Jesus is the true light which gives light to everyone and the world was made through him but did not know him. He came of his own accord to his own people who refused him, but to all who did receive them - he gave the right to become children of God.
So then and there John (the Apostle - not the Baptist) gives us the reason he wrote the book. To show us The Light. To show us that there is life through understanding. John the Baptist then proclaims Jesus's purpose - The Lamb. "The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world". Then and there God's provision is made known. Christ was sent as a sacrifice to be the ultimate offering for sin. The completer of the plan.
The Gospel is an amazing thing when we take it in on a daily basis. There is a supernatural lifting of the mind and spirit from a place that is low to a place that is much higher than I can be on my own.
The Gospel shines a light on our sin - making us aware of our need of a Savior and then actually providing salvation from the eternal death sin brings.
Jesus is The Word - the explanation for a world that needed vision into their darkness. God provided The Light and thereby the solution which was the ultimate sacrifice of The Lamb of God that brings us - The Life - which is enjoying fellowship with him and his son both now and forever.
So beautiful. So necessary.
John 1
In this first chapter, we are told that The Word (Christ) has been with us since the beginning of time, that nothing was made without him, that indeed he is The Life and that The Life was The Light of men. He shines in the darkness....AND THE DARKNESS CANNOT OVERCOME IT.
So Jesus has been part of the picture since the beginning. He was not a backup plan God created to fix a situation that went awry. He was there when God was creating us and this beautiful world. When the whole debacle in the garden happened, God was not surprised. He made a way.
Enter hundreds of years later - John the Baptist heralding the coming of The Word in flesh. in verse 8 we are told John came to bear witness about The Light.
It goes on to tell us that Jesus is the true light which gives light to everyone and the world was made through him but did not know him. He came of his own accord to his own people who refused him, but to all who did receive them - he gave the right to become children of God.
So then and there John (the Apostle - not the Baptist) gives us the reason he wrote the book. To show us The Light. To show us that there is life through understanding. John the Baptist then proclaims Jesus's purpose - The Lamb. "The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world". Then and there God's provision is made known. Christ was sent as a sacrifice to be the ultimate offering for sin. The completer of the plan.
The Gospel is an amazing thing when we take it in on a daily basis. There is a supernatural lifting of the mind and spirit from a place that is low to a place that is much higher than I can be on my own.
The Gospel shines a light on our sin - making us aware of our need of a Savior and then actually providing salvation from the eternal death sin brings.
Jesus is The Word - the explanation for a world that needed vision into their darkness. God provided The Light and thereby the solution which was the ultimate sacrifice of The Lamb of God that brings us - The Life - which is enjoying fellowship with him and his son both now and forever.
So beautiful. So necessary.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
More Gliding - Less Slogging
So a few months ago I said I would revisit what things are needed keep away from what I like to call "slogging".
Slogging happens when we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the cares of this life.
For a Christian that generally means putting things ahead of God. It can mean worrying more about what your house looks like than what your soul looks like. For me - it generally means I have taken the reins away from God and am resolved to do it on my own. I like it that way. Problem is - it never works.
I compare it to my manic depressive episodes. I have never been diagnosed. But I know that I have some naturally occurring highs and lows. My grandmother was definitely manic depressive and I know what it looks like. I wonder if I will land there some day - but - until then I have chosen to deal with it the healthiest way possible. But as usual - I digress. My highs I feel GREAT. I take on everything. I am all things to all people. I am creative and productive and a bubbling, sparkling source of encouragement until I am not. I hit the skids and I stop - full out stop. I let down whatever things I was going to do, I let down my family by backing into a corner and I am no longer the sparkling, bubby thing I was just days before. I drop out of life. I can no longer cope. I can hardly get up to manage my household. I do, and I go to work and I love on my people but I am not my best when I get home. Usually I am the worst - because I have given it all away during the day and have nothing left for my family.
I have such guilt.
And I quit volunteering for things. I quit participating in things. Because I feel like such an ass that I just leave people hanging. It is hard to give explanations as to why you have come to a point where you feel you can no longer function. I hate to tell people the whole sordid story. It is embarrassing. Mainly because if you start talking to me and I am honest - I cry. I HATE to cry. Let me just reiterate what I just said...I cannot say it clear enough...I HATE TO CRY. And there for a while it's all I did. And it just made me more miserable. I could not explain it to my husband. I could not explain it to the people who saw me at church. I was sad. Soul wrenchingly sad. And I couldn't really tell you why.
It has gotten better. Some of it I do believe is nutrition and since I have started drinking Shakeology every day, I find I am better. But I still feel the gentle highs and lows. It is a way of life. I long for the manic times though. I love them. But I can't seem to have them without also having the lows.
I long for more gliding - less slogging.
I glide best when I do a few important things:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan (that is manage my time well - the HARDEST)
So over the next few days I am going to ponder why staying in the Word is so important, and why it seems to relieve me of my tendency to slog.
The Parable of the Sower is my first example of why it is so important to be in God's Word.
Click the link above to read.
The Parable of the Sower is a wonderful illustration of why the Word of God is so important. It gives us deep nutrition so when the pressures of life cause us to want to wither and fall away, we stand firm - even flourish. When in the Word we absorb the strength to withstand that pressure. I want the things that I do each day to mean something - to land somewhere and take root and stand whatever thing that comes up against me. God's Word gives me that ability .
Blessings
Slogging happens when we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the cares of this life.
For a Christian that generally means putting things ahead of God. It can mean worrying more about what your house looks like than what your soul looks like. For me - it generally means I have taken the reins away from God and am resolved to do it on my own. I like it that way. Problem is - it never works.
I compare it to my manic depressive episodes. I have never been diagnosed. But I know that I have some naturally occurring highs and lows. My grandmother was definitely manic depressive and I know what it looks like. I wonder if I will land there some day - but - until then I have chosen to deal with it the healthiest way possible. But as usual - I digress. My highs I feel GREAT. I take on everything. I am all things to all people. I am creative and productive and a bubbling, sparkling source of encouragement until I am not. I hit the skids and I stop - full out stop. I let down whatever things I was going to do, I let down my family by backing into a corner and I am no longer the sparkling, bubby thing I was just days before. I drop out of life. I can no longer cope. I can hardly get up to manage my household. I do, and I go to work and I love on my people but I am not my best when I get home. Usually I am the worst - because I have given it all away during the day and have nothing left for my family.
I have such guilt.
And I quit volunteering for things. I quit participating in things. Because I feel like such an ass that I just leave people hanging. It is hard to give explanations as to why you have come to a point where you feel you can no longer function. I hate to tell people the whole sordid story. It is embarrassing. Mainly because if you start talking to me and I am honest - I cry. I HATE to cry. Let me just reiterate what I just said...I cannot say it clear enough...I HATE TO CRY. And there for a while it's all I did. And it just made me more miserable. I could not explain it to my husband. I could not explain it to the people who saw me at church. I was sad. Soul wrenchingly sad. And I couldn't really tell you why.
It has gotten better. Some of it I do believe is nutrition and since I have started drinking Shakeology every day, I find I am better. But I still feel the gentle highs and lows. It is a way of life. I long for the manic times though. I love them. But I can't seem to have them without also having the lows.
I long for more gliding - less slogging.
I glide best when I do a few important things:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan (that is manage my time well - the HARDEST)
So over the next few days I am going to ponder why staying in the Word is so important, and why it seems to relieve me of my tendency to slog.
The Parable of the Sower is my first example of why it is so important to be in God's Word.
Click the link above to read.
The Parable of the Sower is a wonderful illustration of why the Word of God is so important. It gives us deep nutrition so when the pressures of life cause us to want to wither and fall away, we stand firm - even flourish. When in the Word we absorb the strength to withstand that pressure. I want the things that I do each day to mean something - to land somewhere and take root and stand whatever thing that comes up against me. God's Word gives me that ability .
Blessings
Sunday, October 1, 2017
So Life....
It happens - you know it. I know it.
It is not a bowl of cherries. There is a reason for that. And even as I know this reason, I still struggle with the difficult stuff.
I have so much to be thankful for. And so many things that absolutely take my breath away - in a good way.
And then there are the hard things...things that absolutely take my breath away - in a bad way. And I am not thankful. I am - well - I am totally pissed.
Every day I try to trust and weary not. And to be honest with you this last week I just gave up. I didn't even try. And it was a horrible week. I felt terrible, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hated my job. I resented my husband and my kids and I wanted to climb into my bed in the fetal position for the first time in maybe 2 years.
And I sound like a total whiny baby. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I hate that.
This picture is of a note I had written - maybe three weeks ago? The top part - I had just prayed that God would help me be happy with HIS choices for my life and to trust HIM through good and bad.
Seriously - not two hours after writing this, sewage backed up into my basement. I was cleaning poop up at 11:00 PM and trying to figure out what to do.
The part underlined in green is what I wrote after this happened. hahahaha! Seriously - it was funny.
3 days and $1200 later we get the septic tank and the pipe cleared and we are good again. God totally helped me and I moved on with strength and very little whining.
A week later I get a call from my brother that Dad has cancer again. This is his 4th bout. I knew it was a possibility. I knew that it could happen. But I was stunned and sad and frankly - at a loss. I prayed. But it was just hitting the ceiling and coming back to me - or it felt that way anyway. That is when I quit doing what I know I need to do. I quit reading my Bible. I quit praying - except in this superficial way (clearly thinking it would do no good). I quit eating right (trying anyway) and I quit exercising. I quit cleaning my house. I quit taking care of my face and hair. Was I depressed? No...really - not. I just felt like it was all useless.
Now a week later I am coming to see that I am very wrong in my failure to keep on doing what I know I am supposed to do.
I feel terrible. And worse than that - I feel buried. Like I am behind. And I won't be able to catch up. And my spirit is out of step with God and it is lonesome.
So I figure there are a couple of things I can do about this. I can allow this to spiral downward - to become an even worse problem. Or I can stop it right here and do what I know to be right.
So that is what I am going to do.
I am squaring my shoulders. Making my food plan for the week. Pulling out my notebook that holds my prayer requests and notes on what I am reading and I am going to set my alarm to wake myself at 4:30AM going to bed promptly at 9:00PM so I will get up and exercise, read and take care of my face and hair. And I am going to pursue God while I help others and pray fervently for Dad and call Mom and encourage her and I will do it all through the strength of God.
Because - I cannot.
Without God I cannot.
No matter how many times I square my shoulders and pull out my notebook and make my plans...I will always plummet to the "vanity of vanities - all is vanity". Useless. It is all useless.
Except for - the one who called me is faithful - and
Philippians 1:6 [Full Chapter]
I have to believe it and do it. The strength will be there when I need it...and it will be there for you too when you need it.
Blessings
It is not a bowl of cherries. There is a reason for that. And even as I know this reason, I still struggle with the difficult stuff.
I have so much to be thankful for. And so many things that absolutely take my breath away - in a good way.
And then there are the hard things...things that absolutely take my breath away - in a bad way. And I am not thankful. I am - well - I am totally pissed.
Every day I try to trust and weary not. And to be honest with you this last week I just gave up. I didn't even try. And it was a horrible week. I felt terrible, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hated my job. I resented my husband and my kids and I wanted to climb into my bed in the fetal position for the first time in maybe 2 years.
And I sound like a total whiny baby. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I hate that.
This picture is of a note I had written - maybe three weeks ago? The top part - I had just prayed that God would help me be happy with HIS choices for my life and to trust HIM through good and bad.
Seriously - not two hours after writing this, sewage backed up into my basement. I was cleaning poop up at 11:00 PM and trying to figure out what to do.
The part underlined in green is what I wrote after this happened. hahahaha! Seriously - it was funny.
3 days and $1200 later we get the septic tank and the pipe cleared and we are good again. God totally helped me and I moved on with strength and very little whining.
A week later I get a call from my brother that Dad has cancer again. This is his 4th bout. I knew it was a possibility. I knew that it could happen. But I was stunned and sad and frankly - at a loss. I prayed. But it was just hitting the ceiling and coming back to me - or it felt that way anyway. That is when I quit doing what I know I need to do. I quit reading my Bible. I quit praying - except in this superficial way (clearly thinking it would do no good). I quit eating right (trying anyway) and I quit exercising. I quit cleaning my house. I quit taking care of my face and hair. Was I depressed? No...really - not. I just felt like it was all useless.
Now a week later I am coming to see that I am very wrong in my failure to keep on doing what I know I am supposed to do.
I feel terrible. And worse than that - I feel buried. Like I am behind. And I won't be able to catch up. And my spirit is out of step with God and it is lonesome.
So I figure there are a couple of things I can do about this. I can allow this to spiral downward - to become an even worse problem. Or I can stop it right here and do what I know to be right.
So that is what I am going to do.
I am squaring my shoulders. Making my food plan for the week. Pulling out my notebook that holds my prayer requests and notes on what I am reading and I am going to set my alarm to wake myself at 4:30AM going to bed promptly at 9:00PM so I will get up and exercise, read and take care of my face and hair. And I am going to pursue God while I help others and pray fervently for Dad and call Mom and encourage her and I will do it all through the strength of God.
Because - I cannot.
Without God I cannot.
No matter how many times I square my shoulders and pull out my notebook and make my plans...I will always plummet to the "vanity of vanities - all is vanity". Useless. It is all useless.
Except for - the one who called me is faithful - and
Philippians 1:6 [Full Chapter]
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
This is where I must lay my burden. Because without Christ - it truly is useless. And he will be faithful to complete what he began in me. This life that knocks the life out of me is HIS. I cannot manage it. I try. Lord knows I do. But He doesn't want me to. He wants me to live it through Him.
He reminds me every day.
I have to believe it and do it. The strength will be there when I need it...and it will be there for you too when you need it.
Blessings
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
The Sun Rises the Rain Falls...
There is a battle I face every day. The older I get, the more aware of it I become. The difficulties, the triumphs I have always absorbed as my own. I use the term oxymoronic SO much these days. I am an earthly vessel full of opposing forces.
Social media has made me more aware of the difficulties and the triumphs in so many people's lives. I have taken this information and found myself lacking, thankful - and even prideful. Once again - absorbing it all as my own.
But by God's grace this summer, my thought processes have taken a new direction.
I have grieved over children sleeping on dirt floors and their little tummies clenching in hunger. I have also been grateful that my own are not in such a place. I have been jealous of people and their amazing ability to go and do and see. And a little perplexed at my own inability to. I have been proud of my abilities and my children's abilities and have bragged ad nauseum. Sometimes it was subtle...sometimes not so much.
But what has been going through my head consistently lately is this verse:
Matthew 5: 43-45 (NIV)
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy'.44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
These verses come from The Sermon on the Mount - the famous Beatitudes.
It is nothing that these children have done that have placed them in need; it is nothing that I have done that has placed me in a better situation than them. It is nothing my friends have done that have placed them in a better situation than me. It is neither because I am deserving or undeserving that I have more than some - less than others. It is a world condition.
My response to this will be productive - or unproductive.
By the Holy Spirit's guidance, I have come to the conclusion that there are things in my reach that I can do to find a balance between all of these things. Will it solve my pride, my jealousy, my envy, my less than lovely ways? No...those things will be a fight for the rest of the time I have on this earth. I will always have to reposition myself before God and confess these icks. But instead of wallering (that's wallowing y'all) I will focus on what I can do each day to serve God and others well. I have to break it down because I get easily overwhelmed but I see things that need to be done to serve where I am. And it keeps me balanced.
Simplified the list is:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan
I am aware that my acronym spells out spasm...which is unfortunate in some respects....but maybe by practicing these things I can make it like a spasm eventually...something that occurs involuntarily.
Over the next few weeks, I hope to visit each one of the above practices in depth to flesh out what they will look like in my life.
I have been working to create a brand this summer: several streams of income that will serve my family while we are in these expensive college years, while also allowing me to pursue what I feel God has called me to. I love to write. I love to create. I love to help others. PajamaMama has been the kernel of an idea that - God willing - will grow to serve God, my family and others well. I am constantly having to find a balance between the now and not yet, the why's and why nots, God's will or not. It can be a little confusing.
I suppose the one thing I can take from this is that nothing is firm save Jesus. He is the foundation on which I will SEEK to lay each one of the blocks of my efforts. My dependence is on Christ alone. And I will constantly have to give my own independence over to HIM. This is another thing that has been part of this summer. Learning that it is not all on me. It is a blessed safe haven to be relieved of the burdens I have placed upon myself. I will just keep walking and placing my foot through the door that is open to me. My security lies in the fact that if I stay in the Word and prayer, that anything that happens will lead me closer to God. This is indeed an exciting journey!
Social media has made me more aware of the difficulties and the triumphs in so many people's lives. I have taken this information and found myself lacking, thankful - and even prideful. Once again - absorbing it all as my own.
But by God's grace this summer, my thought processes have taken a new direction.
I have grieved over children sleeping on dirt floors and their little tummies clenching in hunger. I have also been grateful that my own are not in such a place. I have been jealous of people and their amazing ability to go and do and see. And a little perplexed at my own inability to. I have been proud of my abilities and my children's abilities and have bragged ad nauseum. Sometimes it was subtle...sometimes not so much.
But what has been going through my head consistently lately is this verse:
Matthew 5: 43-45 (NIV)
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy'.44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."
These verses come from The Sermon on the Mount - the famous Beatitudes.
It is nothing that these children have done that have placed them in need; it is nothing that I have done that has placed me in a better situation than them. It is nothing my friends have done that have placed them in a better situation than me. It is neither because I am deserving or undeserving that I have more than some - less than others. It is a world condition.
My response to this will be productive - or unproductive.
By the Holy Spirit's guidance, I have come to the conclusion that there are things in my reach that I can do to find a balance between all of these things. Will it solve my pride, my jealousy, my envy, my less than lovely ways? No...those things will be a fight for the rest of the time I have on this earth. I will always have to reposition myself before God and confess these icks. But instead of wallering (that's wallowing y'all) I will focus on what I can do each day to serve God and others well. I have to break it down because I get easily overwhelmed but I see things that need to be done to serve where I am. And it keeps me balanced.
Simplified the list is:
Stay in the Word.
Pray without ceasing.
Actively seek to serve others before myself
Separate from negative influences - that's people, media, or things, peeps
Make a plan
I am aware that my acronym spells out spasm...which is unfortunate in some respects....but maybe by practicing these things I can make it like a spasm eventually...something that occurs involuntarily.
Over the next few weeks, I hope to visit each one of the above practices in depth to flesh out what they will look like in my life.
I have been working to create a brand this summer: several streams of income that will serve my family while we are in these expensive college years, while also allowing me to pursue what I feel God has called me to. I love to write. I love to create. I love to help others. PajamaMama has been the kernel of an idea that - God willing - will grow to serve God, my family and others well. I am constantly having to find a balance between the now and not yet, the why's and why nots, God's will or not. It can be a little confusing.
I suppose the one thing I can take from this is that nothing is firm save Jesus. He is the foundation on which I will SEEK to lay each one of the blocks of my efforts. My dependence is on Christ alone. And I will constantly have to give my own independence over to HIM. This is another thing that has been part of this summer. Learning that it is not all on me. It is a blessed safe haven to be relieved of the burdens I have placed upon myself. I will just keep walking and placing my foot through the door that is open to me. My security lies in the fact that if I stay in the Word and prayer, that anything that happens will lead me closer to God. This is indeed an exciting journey!
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