So Life....

It happens - you know it. I know it.

It is not a bowl of cherries. There is a reason for that. And even as I know this reason, I still struggle with the difficult stuff.

I have so much to be thankful for. And so many things that absolutely take my breath away - in a good way.

And then there are the hard things...things that absolutely take my breath away - in a bad way. And I am not thankful. I am - well - I am totally pissed.

Every day I try to trust and weary not. And to be honest with you this last week I just gave up. I didn't even try. And it was a horrible week. I felt terrible, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hated my job. I resented my husband and my kids and I wanted to climb into my bed in the fetal position for the first time in maybe 2 years.

And I sound like a total whiny baby. I'm feeling sorry for myself. I hate that.





This picture is of a note I had written - maybe three weeks ago? The top part - I had just prayed that God would help me be happy with HIS choices for my life and to trust HIM through good and bad.

Seriously - not two hours after writing this, sewage backed up into my basement. I was cleaning poop up at 11:00 PM and trying to figure out what to do.

The part underlined in green is what I wrote after this happened. hahahaha! Seriously - it was funny.

3 days and $1200 later we get the septic tank and the pipe cleared and we are good again. God totally helped me and I moved on with strength and very little whining.

A week later I get a call from my brother that Dad has cancer again. This is his 4th bout. I knew it was a possibility. I knew that it could happen. But I was stunned and sad and frankly - at a loss. I prayed. But it was just hitting the ceiling and coming back to me - or it felt that way anyway. That is when I quit doing what I know I need to do. I quit reading my Bible. I quit praying - except in this superficial way (clearly thinking it would do no good). I quit eating  right (trying anyway) and I quit exercising. I quit cleaning my house. I quit taking care of my face and hair. Was I depressed? No...really - not. I just felt like it was all useless.

Now a week later I am coming to see that I am very wrong in my failure to keep on doing what I know I am supposed to do.

I feel terrible. And worse than that - I feel buried. Like I am behind. And I won't be able to catch up. And my spirit is out of step with God and it is lonesome.

So I figure there are a couple of things I can do about this. I can allow this to spiral downward - to become an even worse problem. Or I can stop it right here and do what I know to be right.

So that is what I am going to do.

I am squaring my shoulders. Making my food plan for the week. Pulling out my notebook that holds my prayer requests and notes on what I am reading and I am going to set my alarm to wake myself at 4:30AM going to bed promptly at 9:00PM so I will get up and exercise, read and take care of my face and hair. And I am going to pursue God while I help others and pray fervently for Dad and call Mom and encourage her and I will do it all through the strength of God.

Because - I cannot.

Without God I cannot.

No matter how many times I square my shoulders and pull out my notebook and make my plans...I will always plummet to the "vanity of vanities - all is vanity". Useless. It is all useless.

Except for - the one who called me is faithful - and

Philippians 1:6 [Full Chapter]

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

This is where I must lay my burden. Because without Christ - it truly is useless. And he will be faithful to complete what he began in me. This life that knocks the life out of me is HIS. I cannot manage it. I try. Lord knows I do. But He doesn't want me to. He wants me to live it through Him. 

He reminds me every day. 

I have to believe it and do it. The strength will be there when I need it...and it will be there for you too when you need it.

Blessings