Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire

For two years now one of my 10 year olds has worked his fanny off to make All Stars. Each year when it has come up I have been both saddened and happy. Sad because this 10 year old REALLY wants it, and when he does not get it - it breaks his heart, which of course breaks mine. Glad comes in when he doesn't get it - because - well for me, it is just one more thing to do and I know it is always more work for the Mommy than you think. Also - it means we really get to enjoy our summer.

So, this year, he has done so great. He has worked hard and the time came for the offer of All Stars and it was given. Hallelujah! What a great thing...over the moon he is so happy. It's all he can talk about. We made it to ALL STARS

His twin brother did not expect to make it on the All Star team. His batting average was not good enough and though it improved dramatically the last few games of the season we knew he would be okay if he did not make it. And this was my youngest's first year to be considered. We really didn't think All Stars would be an option for him yet.

BUT

Little brother made it. How is a little boy who is the only one who did not make All Stars in his family suppose to deal with this graciously? And now, I will not just be working on 1 All Star team - but 2. And one thing they don't really give you is the amount of money it will cost until after you have signed your name on the dotted line. Holy Cow. It ain't cheap. It ain't cheap times TWO!

So, as happy as I am for the two that made it, my heart is heavy for the one who did not. And when I told him, I could see happiness for his brothers in his eyes, and as I reminded him of what we had talked about before the end of the season, about his stats not being good enough to be in All Stars - I saw the disappointment, and the sheen of tears in his eyes.

But that little boy is a trooper. He rallied himself and congratulated his brothers. We have made sure that he will have plenty of places to go and things to do during these 4 weeks of baseball mania. And he seems to have come to peace with it.

I am so very proud of that little boy. Not easy when you are the odd man out.

Life is so hard. Lessons are sometimes so difficult.

But once again, the lessons little league offers are lasting ones. I would much rather them learn to deal with these issues now than when they are older. Learning to lose graciously, or how to deal with situations when they don't go your way is huge.

Character built early into these little lives is such a blessing. And I have to say the character it builds in me is a blessing as well...as painful as it is to go from busy to busier - I just see it as another opportunity to grow. For me and my family.

Of course I could have said no....probably should have said no....but - here we are.

Now, anyone want to sponsor us?


Seriously.

Inspiration

I am thoroughly uninspired. I mean - I look at my house, my job, my kids, my husband - my life - and I am just - done.

With baseball season and then the Music Extravaganza (end of the year music program at school) and then the stomach flu (yuck) - Room Mom stuff, Team Mom stuff, and countless other easy things that should not be that hard to do....I can truly say that I am to that point that I am throwing up my hands. I quit. And I really have.

Of course I just said last week that I decided to be grateful for being re-engaged. But - this happens - to me - every time. My re-engag-ed-ness kind of overtakes me.

I take on too much. It is not always of my doing. I get most of my jobs from there being absolutely no volunteers and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This year, the teacher catches me in the hall and asks me TO MY FACE - who can say no to that?

I guess my question is - how do you keep this from happening?

At this moment I have a husband that is put out with me (he would never SAY he is - but you can tell - and he has a right to be)

I don't think I can fix any of it. And I can't find the gumption to want to. It is a massive mess.

But thankfully - I don't have to. I will hug and kiss my husband and I will tell him I am sorry for this messy house and my uninspired housekeeping. And I will go to bed.

When I lay my head on my pillow, I will ask God to give me good sleep and to help me break down the mess that is my life right now into small easily accomplished pieces.

It will happen.

I Thessalonians 1:
2 We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 3 We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have an example set before me in others. Here I read about the Thessalonians. Their labor was prompted by love and INSPIRED by HOPE in the LORD.

My hope is in the Lord. This mess will get cleaned up. My inspiration does not come from myself. It cannot. I do not have it. I cannot make myself do what I ought some days...but it will be accomplished.

But I don't have to worry about it.

My eyes water and my heart is full when I read:

Isaiah 40:30-31

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Therein lies my inspiration.

Disengaged

It seems to me when life gets hard, when I can't control the bad, when things become overwhelming for me, I back out of it. I find a way to tuck myself safely at home and practice avoidance. I avoid other's sorrows, other's overwhelmedness, other's happiness, other's lives.

I don't think this is a bad thing necessarily. Sometimes it is good to back off a little. Finding a way to get alone and delve into the Word is restful and can revitalize an overwhelmed soul. But that is not my tendency. I tend to turn inward and become very selfish.

I disengage from everyone. I turn inward. I lose fellowship. I fall in a black hole. I become sorrowful and I lose hope.

I find that I lose sight of my salvation. I lose sight of God's love and provision for me. I cannot see my way past my own struggles - with the very large and overwhelmingly difficult things all the way down to the smallest of insignificant blips. Everything is hard. Getting up and getting dressed becomes a major issue. All I want to do is sleep. Many is the time I have longed to fall asleep and never wake up. It would be okay with me.

I know this is a chemical thing mostly - and as I have said before it is also a temperment kind of thing - Missy "swings like a pedulum do" (referring to the song by Roger Miller about England EnglandSwings ) I am somehow rigged to go from highs to lows in an unbelievably short amount of time.

The one thing that reassures me in my bumpy, little life is the far reaching hand of God. He pulls me from those lows everytime...and after many, manymanymany years of this struggle - and His constancy - I am sure he will continue to do so. My thankfulness when I emerge with His help is usually found in re-engagement. It is a wonderful thing.

Today - I have decided to be thankful to my heavenly Father that I am out of the depths and glory in the busy life that is now mine - for I am no longer disengaged -

but engaged.

I Love Our Little League

You all know we are a baseball family. I love it. The boys love it (the biggest one especially). It is the most fun. It is exhausting at times but still, it is a wonderful experience for us all.

Last night I sat and watched 3 teams play a practice game. It is spring break so a lot of our kids were on vacation with their families, so three of the coaches got together and decided to play a game. Which, by the way, is the best way for the kids to practice in my opinion. As I sat and watched each of the players arrive, I saw kids who had been in class together and played on past teams together greeting each other with smiles. They warmed up together. The coaches would chat with the kids and rough up their hair as they passed. It was a good feeling to be back amongst so many of our friends.

Let me back up a bit. When we first started playing baseball, I had no idea what to expect. As a matter of fact, I was dreading the schedule that would turn me into a "soccer mom" for the following months. The first year was exactly as I thought. A lot of work, a lot of competition. No relationships. We left to go to a game and we came back home. I did not like it, the boys did.

So we signed up again. The next year, an amazing thing happened. We got on a team that understood that competition and friendship can cooincide. Very well at that. We had the most wonderful year. What we observed and learned is that the coaches that were on these teams not only wanted their team to do well and succeed. They wanted the other team to do well and succeed. They wanted every kid out there to feel they had done their best and played with their heart. The parents sitting in the stands would be rooting for a friends child on the other team every bit as much as they did their own child.

This seems like a conflict of interest. To be honest it took me a while to understand what was going on. These parents understood that competition is not just about winning. Winning is not the most important thing. Don't get me wrong, these coaches wanted their own team to win. They wanted it badly. They had simply come to a place where they understood as much as they wanted to win, it was not the end all be all of the day. What did give satisfaction is that the two teams played their best. They wanted each one of these kids to understand that their success was not in whether they won or lost, but whether they did their best, treated their team mates and opponents with respect, and enjoyed playing the game. Though winning is great and it is not a game without competition, more important is the child learning the little life lessons that come in abundance in competitive play.

I loved seeing the coaches from the other teams squatting down in front of another teams player and coaching them as well. I loved laughing at them as they joked around with each other and how when one got tagged as he slid into third, the third baseman reached out, helped him up and checked on him, helping him dust off.

I think the attitude can be summed up in a conversation between father and son as the boy walked up to the plate to bat. "Be a hitter", dad said. The little boy replied, "Be a winner". The dad corrected and said, "No, be a hitter".

Yep...I love little league. So much.

With the Spring Comes the Storms....

I was at work the other day. Last Friday I believe is when it was 74 degrees and sunny. Beautiful day. Such happy feelings, sitting there in the sun watching the children laugh and play. Glorious. I was talking to another teacher and she said, " Everyone always forgets that Spring weather brings storms". Oh. She is right.

This week. Storms. Yesterday it rumbled all...day....long....

But I loved it. I loved the fact that it gave me an excuse (weak one though it was) to snuggle up and work at home, thanking God for the excuse. No errands on my day off. Just piddling around the house. It was loverly.

It is much like my spiritual walk. I will come to a sunny place. It seems easy. My faith is strong. It feels wonderful. I glory in my salvation. But out of nowhere comes a storm. But I do not snuggle down in them. I don't sit back and thank God for the opportunity for growth. I fall into a spiritual funk. I resent the hand that allowed the storm and ask "Why?"

I need to work on my spiritual endurance every bit as much as my physical.

I hope next time there comes a storm...I will be willing to thank God no matter if it is what nature or life conjures . Flex the spiritual muscles and stave off the funk. Lord give me strength.

Stick it out...

I have been persuaded by my dear husband to take on a new exercise regimen with him. I said a casual okay, mainly because I didn't think it would happen. But this time he meant it. We are in the process of completing our first week doing P90X.

If any of you have heard of it - then you know it is literally a butt kicking exercise program that soft, mushy people like myself should not undertake lightly.

The first day I did it with little resistence, my main objection being he thought doing it at 8:30PM was a good idea (HELLO...that is MY time and I don't want to spend MY time SUFFERING). But we did it. And I hated it. HATED IT. I am having to capitalize to make it clear my resentment of this ordeal. It was horrid. The second night he caught me crying in the kitchen. That is not what I intended...but I really did not want to do it. But I did it anyway. And when it was over, I was glad. Not just glad it was over, but glad I did it...even though I hated it just as much. I actually woke up sore all over this morning and think that I will not cry tonight when he comes home getting ready to do it all over again. I am resigned that this is what I need to do.

I am a little surprised that I actually think I might be able to do this. Mainly because I hate exercising at night. It is my lowest energy level of the entire day. I like to sit on my mushy backside and watch my shows at that time of night. I deserve that right? That is such a bad attitude though. I need this. I know it. I did it - two nights in a row - even though I did not want to do it.

This brings me hope.

I am pretty sure that I can do it.

This is good.

And to think I was feeling sorry for myself.

We have had to make some hard decisions over the last several weeks. The economy and the job market have put us in a place where things are tight. What we took for granted mere months ago is no longer there. Going to the Dr. for $30 - I USE to complain about. Now it will cost us much more than that. The boys were jumping on the bed the other day and broke it. BROKE it. I was so upset. And I cried. Over a BED. I ended up telling them they knew better than to jump on the bed but it is just a bed. No more jumping - move on. You would think after having a head through the window pane and many knots on the noggins for jumping that it was something they would not do again - but never underestimate the free spirit of a 9 year old boy. But back to - it IS just a bed.

I was reading Tim Staffords Blog this morning. He is a writer/reporter and just returned from Haiti. After reading about each person there mourning at times at least 100 people, I was ashamed. These people have no jobs to make money. They are scared to sleep in a building if there is one standing, because it may fall on them. They sleep outside on blankets and sheets. There is no infrastructure to organize and see things are taken care of in some kind of orderly fashion. They do not sleep well and they wake up scared. I have no idea what hard is.

Suddenly this house that has a leak in the roof and 2 broken windows (both the boys doing), a broken dishwasher, a leaky fridge, and 2 cars that are 10 years old are treasures. TREASURES! How blessed are we? Was I really feeling sorry for myself yesterday?

The list of blessings is long. The bed, though broken, has a nice mattress with warm blankets under a secure roof. My children sleep soundly in peace every night. No nightmares of falling rubble and hungry tummies plague them. We are not mourning the loss of a single family member at this time. Thank you Lord.

I can say that reading the Blog this morning has caused me to be grateful! How it has caused my heart to hurt for the many who truly know fear and loss. What can I do? How can I help?

The fact is that God has given us what we need to make it through this day. He has called those who are his and equipped them with the tools to serve others....

Galatians 5
13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 14The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Here I am Lord - use me as you will. Cause my eyes to rest where the need is and give me resources to serve those in need well. Forgive me for feeling sorry for myself and thinking that my world was rocked because of a little job change. Cause me to focus on the blessings of our lot and do not let my heart envy those with more. Give me boundless energy to serve you and those you place in my path. So be it Lord...with your blessing.

If you are interested in reading the blog here is the link:
http://timstafford.wordpress.com/

Hebrews 10:
39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

Forward - no shrinking back, no feeling sorry for myself. Oh Lord, help me to remember this!

Homesickness

We were packed up, I was so excited. Everything I needed was in a truck and in my suitcases and I was going away to college. I could not believe it. It was not what I had planned initially. I was happy going to school there in my hometown. But, God had opened a door and I was adventurous enough at that time to walk through it. I hugged my mom and my dad and my little brother goodbye. The impact of what I was doing had not yet hit me.

Three days later...it did. My roommate had a job. I was alone. I cleaned the apartment. I went to the grocery store. I rolled around that little apartment like a marble in a refrigerator box. Then I cried. I wanted my Mama. I wanted my Daddy. I wanted my little brother. I wanted my bed, I wanted my friends. I was so sad. It was an acute, painful longing and a horrible realization that I had made a big mistake.

My mother, being the wise woman that she is, told me to go somewhere where there were people. She told me to find the local church, the Baptist Student Union, somewhere and serve. Work. She said I would feel better and it would get better soon. So, knowing my Mama would never steer me wrong. I got me up, washed my face, and grabbed my bike. Up I rode to the Baptist Student Union. It took a lot of internal fortitude for me to do this (thank you Lord!), but I walked in, asked someone what I could do to help and started working.

Mama was right. I was immediately better. I found friends. My mind was busy, and though I still missed home, the work my hands found and the friends I found soothed that homesickness.

I am homesick now. I find myself longing for my eternal home quite a bit. But I know where I am is no mistake. I know that I have a purpose here on this earth and the only thing I can do to assuage the ache of missing my eternal place is working for the coming kingdom.

Last week I had the happiest week I have had in quite some time. The reason? I was working. Not my job, but getting ready for the Outreach conference at Church and baking and organizing a bake sale so that we could donate the proceeds to Haiti. I have found the mundanities of this life, like cleaning my home, which always gets dirty again, and trying to find additional work, to help with our income, is quite depressing. But my focus being on helping others last week made for a light and happy heart.

I cannot take up every need I see. In spite of the dislike I have of cleaning my home and looking for additional work, they are a necessity. I thought that since I was working outside of the home that by cutting all the extra things i had done in the past out, that it would make it easier to have that job. But I have found I need to find those little projects to work on in order to give me a little uplift. Apparently that kind of service is a joy to me, one I have missed sorely.

So, to assuage the homesickness, I will find work...get my hands busy with building the unshakeable kingdom. I will find today what God will for my hand to do. It will be like packing my bags to go home.

Matthew 6:32-34
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,

and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Ladies and Gentlemen - Children of allllll ages....

Saturday night found me and my husband and children, my Mom and Dad in law and niece and nephew at the circus. Yes, Barnum and Bailey and Ringling Brothers had come to town. I had been looking forward to it with a mild interest. I went to the circus as a child and to be honest, I don't remember thinking it was that great.

What I saw Saturday night was beyond great. It was stupendous, awesome, spectacular - absolutely riveting. I felt like a big kid. I ooo'd and ahhhh'd with the kids, I clapped and laughed...it was so much fun. I actually thought how great it would be to be in the circus. Living on a train, traveling from place to place being a part of that bright and sparkly cast of talented folks. These people were the real deal. They were amazing.

I started thinking about the "what if's". My aunt and uncle live in Sarasota and when I graduated from highschool my aunt said I needed to come down there and go to school at Ringling. I just poohed it. The circus? That's just not realistic.

But what if? Too many times we are limited by what we think is "doable". The sensible thing is to go to college and get a degree that will aid me in my future. I was an English major and a Music minor. I can do nothing with those degrees. But - had I gone to Ringling...well...I might have been one of those performers.

The fact is, I love my life. God has been good to me, much better than I deserve. But I guess what I am trying to say is, it's okay to think beyond the sensible -to try the outlandish for size every once in a while.

I think back to the Israelites when the 12 spies went in. Caleb and Joshua believed that with God's help they could inhabit the land in spite of the giants. But the other 10 spies did not believe. They did not inhabit the land. They had to wander another 40 years. Had they had the faith of Caleb and Joshua they could have lived in that land of milk and honey.

Numbers 13
But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, "Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it."

Not that I want to run away and join the circus. But - what things have I missed because of my short sightedness. I have not had faith in God's ability to make great things happen for his kingdom.

Numbers 14
And Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had spied out the land, tore their clothes 7and said to all the congregation of the people of Israel,"The land, which we passed through to spy it out, is an exceedingly good land. 8If the LORD delights in us, he will bring us into this land and give it to us, a land that flows with milk and honey. 9Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not fear the people of the land, for they are bread for us. Their protection is removed from them, and the LORD is with us; do not fear them."

"If the LORD delights in us, he will bring us into this land and give it to us".

This phrase is freeing and quite uplifting. The fact is that the reason I do not live large - is that I do not dream big for God. The thing I must do is make sure my motives are to build the kindgom and to give God glory. Anything done to lift up myself, or make my life more comfortable is not glorifying the kindgom. It is living for myself. I must be kingdom conscious.

Matthew 21:21
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

1 Corinthians 2:5
so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

I have determined in my heart this day, that I will not settle for okay. I want great. I want it for my children, for my husband and for myself. I want to see miracles and witness extraordinary things that could never happen on my own merit. I want to be like Joshua and Caleb and be ready to possess the land. God give me great faith to do amazing things for your kingdom.