Oh how the years, months, days, minutes, seconds....go by

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and I made a comment about how fast the week was going. She replied, "That's good isn't it?" I think I made some half hearted comment agreeing with her, but in truth, I really don't want it to go by quickly.

I find myself saying things all the time about how glad I am it's 4:00pm or that it's Thursday - but I don't really mean that. Instead I want to enjoy every minute. Or at least appreciate every minute.

It seems that only yesterday I was kissing those sweet baby cheeks of my boys and holding them here at home...and it doesn't do for me to dwell on those days, because I find myself spiraling downward into that funk I seem to get stuck in so often. I miss those days. As frustrating as they may have been, I don't remember that. I remember how content I was. I would like to look back on these days and feel the same way...but I want to make them the best days they can possibly be. I don't want to look back on them and be sorry I didn't redeem the time better. I can't be sorry for where I am right now. God has placed us in this position for a reason. I feel sure of that.

So, my question is, how can I make my few hours at home with my boys each evening the absolute best they can be? Having to work around dinner, football, chores and such and then that precious hour or two where I can just enjoy my sweet boys and husband?

I am asking God to give me wisdom, and discernment. I need the energy to get the things done that I need to, and I need the wisdom to know when to stop and focus on the important things. Looking back and wishing things were different is not going to make it better.

Taking the time out to plan my day and do my best to get to what matters most is my goal. And what matters most is honoring God with my time...living that before my boys, placing it all before the housework and whatever other thing I think defines me (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids (HA)...), because really - it doesn't matter.

Ecclesiastes 1:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow

And I could bemoan this text and wallow in it and let it sooth me that it all meant nothing...

But I choose to see it as someone who allowed himself to lose sight of the important things. To learn from it and realize that all of these things that I have wanted in the past (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids...(HA) ) really meant nothing. I loved those days of being home and my work being all about my home. And thought they were wonderful - the times that counted were the ones I was investing myself in friends, and in my family. Those days that I sought the face of God and passed some small grain of wisdom that has or will one day take root in their lives. And that is not over just because I am working full time. It can still be accomplished. I just have to keep my sight right.

Oh how the years go by....all of those increments of time - like sand through my fingers...but I am determined that I will continue to hitch up my britches and thumb my nose at those things that would keep me from living rightly before God. Keep on. But keep on always remembering and aiming for what matters most. It's a good question to ask.

I asked for it with fear and trembling. God answered and there was peace....

My prayer has been to expose my sin. Expose the things that need to be made right.

And it was scary. So scary.

Being a people pleaser is hard in that so many times my own perception of myself is reflected in others happiness with me. It is so wrong. But it is my "go to" process. I do it without knowing it.

This process of mine causes undue importance on so many things that are so not important.

I asked God to reveal it - and I said I would trust him through it.

And he did. There is some pain there. There is disappointment in me there. I am sad for this. But I am clean before my Lord and my sights are no longer horizontal...

they are vertical.

Horrid process...and yet there is peace. The Light has revealed what needed to be seen and I do not have to fear anymore.

God is so good. It's not all better yet. I am going to have some hard times. Some really tough moments I feel sure. But my prayer is that I keep my gaze up - tracing the heart of my beloved Savior - walking in his light and trusting in him to give me my worth.

Thank you God. Please let it be so.

Something Great

Do you ever get the feeling you're not doing enough? Maybe you are doing a whole lot - so busy you can hardly think but what does it count for? Is it a clean house? Is it accomplished children? As nice as these things are, I am still not convinced they are enough.

My pastor has encouraged our congregation to step out and do something great for God. Many times. And I still have yet to do that. I have all kinds of ideas but it seems to me at the core of every idea is a selfish motive.

I want to be self-less. I want to do something great that has nothing to do with me. I want to be so emptied of my selfishness that I step out and do something amazing that is totally for the benefit of someone else and the glory of God.

I don't know what yet. But I am asking God to help me. He has been weeding and it is painful - wouldn't it be totally amazing if all of this was preparing me to do this great thing - whatever it is? Well worth all of that weeding.

I really don't like to weed or be the weedee for that matter...but would I consider it worth it if it meant I could accomplish this great thing for God?

I would think so.

I would think so.

HE WHO OVERCOMES SHALL INHERIT ALL THINGS....REVELATION 21:7

This is not what I thought it would look like...but okay

A few weeks ago in the busy-ness of All Star Baseball times two, I talked with another baseball mom in the bathroom. In passing I managed to tell her about taking the test for my insurance certification a few years ago. She immediately told me there was an opening at her job. I said okay like I had to many other people who told me about job openings. I did not take it seriously. I went on about my own business...summertime with my boys.

The next day she texted me the girls name and number I should get in touch with for the position. Once again I shrugged, called the girl, left a message. She called back. She asked me when I wanted to start.






Um








Confusion, disbelief, uncertainty and a flood of questions started jamming my mind. I stuttered a quick explanation of finding child care, and such...and said I would get back with her as quickly as I could. I talked to my husband and he gave the thumbs up immediately. He talked to his dad and my sweet daddy-in-law said they would take the boys 3 days of the week. I called my neighbor and she said she would take them the two remaining and after school during the year.







Huh?








This was so not what I had planned. And yet here I was...about to start a full-time job. I cried and cried. If I started talking about it I cried, when I thought about it I cried. I had hardly any time to reflect though. I told her yes on a Friday - I started working Tuesday of the next week. So fast.

I could not have done much less to get that job. A simple call and here I was, a full-time working mom. But I went in to work and started doing what they needed me to.

I loved it. The work was fun. I picked it up easily. I love the the people there. It is laid back and the folks all seem to enjoy each other. It is not a drama free place. No place with that many people working there is...but all things considered. I could not have found a job that pays this with a better environment. I consider myself blessed.

My boys have been the most amazing part of this. They seem to be so happy and at ease with this new task I have taken on. No one has complained. No one seems to be put out or uncomfortable with this...amazing.

God - this is a new era for me. I am praying that I will walk carefully - that my spiritual eyes will stay open and aware of the needs of my kids as well as my husband. That I will not be too worn out to come home and enjoy my children.

I have changed my thoughts on working full-time. I now consider it a place of encouragement for those who are like me and need to do this. I have always said I have been placed on this earth to make others feel better about themselves. I do not say that feeling sorry for myself...I say that meaning it. If I am serving well by encouraging others in the Lord with my working - then I will consider myself very blessed - and thankful for being used.

And I am helping with our income.

Thank you Lord. Keep me right. Keep my eyes on you....





and off to work I go!

Thoughts

Heaven is not a vacation resort. It is where redeemed human beings will manifest the potential and destiny for which they were created--to the glory of God. -- David Jeremiah.


I have thought and thought......and thought and thought and thought about this quote.

I am absolutely ashamed to say that I have doubted there is a God to glorify....a lot lately. It seems my selfishness and my inability to process the blessings that my life has been filled with and continues to be filled with has caused my faith to falter. I cannot go to church without crying the whole time.

And the fact is - I would love to expound upon the list of woes that make me doubt that there is a God, and that if there is, that he loves me. But upon reflection - it is a trite list. It is full of embarrassing comparisons and absolutely brings me to the end of me. And at the end of me every time...there is still something there...it is tiny. Tiny. And I do not always recognize it. I mostly have shrugged my shoulders and moved on for the time.

But I finally realized what it was.

Faith. My hope in the faith that has been given me, is what keeps me going. This tiny mustard sized grain is not of my doing. If it was, I am pretty sure I would have destroyed it.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My mountain is obviously this life that has been given me. It is a blessing. I do believe that. And though it is exceedingly difficult (for me) at times, I pray God will continue to let me see that tiny seed of faith grow. I pray that this person that I have allowed myself to become - will be stronger, will be grateful, will be thoughtful, will put her trust in God...even when things get hard. I do not want to live in fear of the next bad thing. I want to live in freedom...freedom from the fear that clips my wings and strands me in such a low place.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

...Freedom will have to have it's own blog spot....but I am looking forward to writing about it.

Daddy makes a dream come true...

I love horses. Something about them just appeals to me - I love the way they smell, the way they sound, the way they feel. I never outgrew it like some girls.

I have a sweet story. I wanted a horse more than anything in the world when I was a little girl. I read every book there ever was about them. I never really hoped to have one. I lived in the city and my family was blessed with all we needed but we did not have a lot more than that.

On my 10th birthday, my Daddy took me to the back yard and there was a shetland pony. White with brown spots, a long mane and tail. So pretty. Smelled so good. I named HIM Crystal. I really don't know why. I had him in my back yard in the middle of the city for a whole weekend. The neighborhood kids thought I was amazing. I loved my pony. He was beautiful...and he was my dream come true. My Daddy cried when he had to take him to our friends farm in Hurley, Mississippi because I cried.

I found out later that my sweet Daddy brought that thing home in our stationwagon - his head out one window and his tail out the other. He ripped the carpet with his hooves but my Daddy was bound and determined to make my dream come true. Not too many girls can say they got a horse when they were little. I did.

Come to find out - Daddy didn't pay a whole lot for Crystal. He was OLD. He made it a couple of years, then died. But I have to say - those two years of going to Mississippi to ride my pony were wonderful. That was a whole lot of trouble for my Dad to go through to make my dream come true.

I can't even express how thankful I am to my Daddy for going to all of that trouble to make me happy. How very blessed I am. Daddy's are so great.

God is so good to give us Daddy's!

Doubtful movie....surprisingly good

Funny thing. Yesterday we took the boys to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Now I must tell you that I have never been thrilled that my boys love these books. I don't believe that the fact that teachers love the books because they make children want to read is a good reason. But my boys love these books. Something about them appeals to these little boys...and some girls to be honest. But - they would read excerpts to me and I would laugh...out loud. Of course I would always tag it with - just because I laughed doesn't mean that is the way to behave. Thinking to myself, "Dang! I should not have laughed at that - so NOT adult of me."

Yes the books can be gross.

Yes they are not always very nice.

But neither are my boys.

Or myself for that matter.

So when my husband suggested going to see it - to be honest - I was not at all that thrilled. But we went - it was at the dollar theater. I didn't really have a good argument.

I watched it. I was grossed out a few times. Just like I am with my boys...and myself for that matter.

When the movie ended...I wanted to stand up and clap. Okay - just remember - my responses are sometimes a little over the top - it's a personality thing. But I loved the movie.

I watch Greg and I am totally upset with him, because he reminds me of myself. Oh goodness. I could almost cry from the feelings this kid dredges up in me. But he totally learns the lesson. By the end of the movie Greg makes the right decision and it makes me so happy! He can actually learn to be wise. To make a decision not based on what he thinks will get him ahead - but he bases his decision on what is right.

Now, the fact is, what is right can be disguised - especially this day and age. But he acts out of a feeling that is totally selfless. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I cannot say enough good things about the redeeming theme of this movie.

There was an underlying simplicity to Rowley, Greg's best friend...and it was a beautiful thing. Rowley was a total dork. But he was who he was and really totally oblivious to what others thought. He was kind-hearted, he was loyal, and he did the right thing. He enjoyed his life without worrying what others thought. Such a wise little character. I love Rowley.


So, I have decided to start trying to be more like Rowley.
.
.
.

The cares of this world....

I tend to carry baggage around with me. If you've read back at all on my blog then you know I pack my bags full of stuff and carry it around with me like I want it right there with me - just in case I need it.

I was looking at the picture of the sea snail I posted and just amazed that we could find that kind of life just a few feet from the beach in the shallows off of Destin Beach. Of course I am from the Gulf Coast - it's where I grew up so the Deep Water Horizon disaster has caused me much concern for the beaches and the life that we see there in the Gulf.

Of course we are in the midst of all star baseball and it is full of things I have packed to worry about: sponsors, kids being over-tired, not getting to enjoy our summer (in our usual manner), one child feeling left out, finding time in between to do the things with my business, all of these cause a whole mess of worries I pull out and mull over and over and over.

I find myself wanting to be more like Scarlet O'Hara and telling myself I cannot possibly worry about all of that "stuff" today - I'll worry about it tomorrow. I have always felt she was foolish and she would be the last person I would pick - yet in this one thing - I envy her.

Fact is, and I have struggled with this for quite some time, every day is full of cares and not just the mundane everyday things. Sometimes they are much too big to even see your way around. We found this out last year, when I kept telling myself that my husband's job would be fine. It wasn't. He lost it. And I thought my world was coming to an end.


It didn't.


We made it.


It really was alright.


And I was blessed in knowing that the world would not end. I thought that losing his job was the worst thing (other than things I will not speak out loud) that could happen to me. Truly - it was not. The knowledge was freeing.

I learned something else. To learn to live today. I learned not to worry about tomorrow - because the Bible tells us we aren't supposed to.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Amen, amen.

Realizing something you thought would end your life as you know it, really will not end it - and that life as you knew it might not have been that great to begin with - well - it is absolutely liberating. The way we look at things can make or break a day. Life does go on. How we handle the ick is what we leave our children in visible lessons, once it really is time for our life to end. How we deal with our daily burdens will be passed on to our kids and if we deal with them well - they will know how to deal with the ick well when they have to. This is quite a good thing to leave your children.

So really - the cares of this world are promised to us...we can count on them.
But it doesn't mean that this life is worthless. It actually frees us from being weighed down or surprised when something bad actually happens. It's freeing.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I love the idea of freedom. It is something I am very unfamiliar with. I am a bound woman. I must work harder at leaving all of that baggage behind.

I think Scarlet might not have been as stupid as I tend to think she was.

I will be hashing this out more in days to come.

Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire

For two years now one of my 10 year olds has worked his fanny off to make All Stars. Each year when it has come up I have been both saddened and happy. Sad because this 10 year old REALLY wants it, and when he does not get it - it breaks his heart, which of course breaks mine. Glad comes in when he doesn't get it - because - well for me, it is just one more thing to do and I know it is always more work for the Mommy than you think. Also - it means we really get to enjoy our summer.

So, this year, he has done so great. He has worked hard and the time came for the offer of All Stars and it was given. Hallelujah! What a great thing...over the moon he is so happy. It's all he can talk about. We made it to ALL STARS

His twin brother did not expect to make it on the All Star team. His batting average was not good enough and though it improved dramatically the last few games of the season we knew he would be okay if he did not make it. And this was my youngest's first year to be considered. We really didn't think All Stars would be an option for him yet.

BUT

Little brother made it. How is a little boy who is the only one who did not make All Stars in his family suppose to deal with this graciously? And now, I will not just be working on 1 All Star team - but 2. And one thing they don't really give you is the amount of money it will cost until after you have signed your name on the dotted line. Holy Cow. It ain't cheap. It ain't cheap times TWO!

So, as happy as I am for the two that made it, my heart is heavy for the one who did not. And when I told him, I could see happiness for his brothers in his eyes, and as I reminded him of what we had talked about before the end of the season, about his stats not being good enough to be in All Stars - I saw the disappointment, and the sheen of tears in his eyes.

But that little boy is a trooper. He rallied himself and congratulated his brothers. We have made sure that he will have plenty of places to go and things to do during these 4 weeks of baseball mania. And he seems to have come to peace with it.

I am so very proud of that little boy. Not easy when you are the odd man out.

Life is so hard. Lessons are sometimes so difficult.

But once again, the lessons little league offers are lasting ones. I would much rather them learn to deal with these issues now than when they are older. Learning to lose graciously, or how to deal with situations when they don't go your way is huge.

Character built early into these little lives is such a blessing. And I have to say the character it builds in me is a blessing as well...as painful as it is to go from busy to busier - I just see it as another opportunity to grow. For me and my family.

Of course I could have said no....probably should have said no....but - here we are.

Now, anyone want to sponsor us?


Seriously.