Another Day

Well - I only woke up at 4:30AM this morning. That was actually not bad at all. It kind of makes me feel like I can be leisurely in my reading and functionality for the day. I like that. It happens so rarely.

Once again I was up and came down to read and was reminded about all of the things I love about being in precarious places. Sounds crazy. But it's true. There is an underlying excitement to see what God will do. Not being able to trace his hand but fully being able to trust his heart (as the old New Song ballad goes) is absolutely thrilling to see unfold. Of course I fall into my ol' doubting Thomas routine quite often. But I love the days that I find the internal fortitude God has placed in my reach and live by it. Amazing! Exciting!


Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the one


who does not walk in step with the wicked


or stand in the way that sinners take


or sit in the company of mockers,


2 but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,


and who meditates on his law day and night.


3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,


which yields its fruit in season


and whose leaf does not wither—


whatever they do prospers.


4 Not so the wicked!


They are like chaff


that the wind blows away.


5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,


nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.


6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,


but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

I love the Psalms. I can pretty much read one chapter every day and find something to apply. And I love to apply. I am not philosophical, or logical - I am a common sense kind of girl. And Psalms just fits the bill.

So today - and every day - I know that God is watching over me - I long to be that person that is planted by the river of waters which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. And I believe that I can trust God to see that it is so.

Now this is a great way to start the day.
Blessings!

Assurance

I woke up at 3:30AM. Wide awake. Mind going full blast. Number crunching, going over the calendar, figuring how, what, when and why. I berated myself. I wished for a re-do. I talked to God. I asked him ridiculous questions, knowing all the while that his ways are higher than mine and there was no way to understand them. But I needed him to talk to me.

I threw on my Tennessee sweatshirt stumbled over the dogs (again) to get downstairs. And I went to my source. The Word.

I don't know where to go. I just want God to talk to me. So, I go to my devotional. I get it in my e-mail every day. I am thankful for this vehicle of e-mail. When I lack the intentionality to be able to search God's Word on my own. My e-mail devotional always seems to be able to put the finger on the spot. I love that about God. He manages to place what I need before me - in the form of a daily devotional sent through my e-mail - that can instantly give me what I need. A Word from God. Wow.

We are in a trial period. There is no doubt about that. The economy, and circumstances have brought us to a place where every day is walked by faith. We pray for God's protection and I am always reminded of my pastor, Alan, asking God in prayer to show us mercy and do not give us what we deserve, and I and agree wholeheartedly.  I read God's amazing gift in words to me - for this day. For this moment.

James 1:2-8

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways

And instantly, my reason for waking is evident. My need for God is filled and I am comforted. I have everything I need for this moment - even more than I asked for. My request for wisdom and to know what to do has been presented to the Lord. I can trust that he heard me - and that he will take care of my need when it comes time. Maybe not in the way I had hoped. But for now - and now is all I need - I am comforted. I can trust that my "now" will have always have the grace that God provides for that moment. It is extremely reassuring.

What is more - how good is God to a sleep deprived woman to send her an e-mail reassuring her that not only is he enough, he is building character and patience in her. Not only does he want her to come before him and ask - he will see that she is made more like him in the process.

I am rich beyond measure.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me - bless his name.

T'is the Season for Giving

I love gifts. So much fun to get a gift and to be able to use it. And it is almost every day this time of year! So much fun. God pointed something out to me today - bear with me as it unravels.

There are three things I am compelled to do, I do it whether I do it for you or just for me.

I sing. I write. I refurbish.

You may not hear me sing, I don't get to do it as much as I would like these days. That does not mean it won't happen. I am just in a season of not publicly singing - oh but I sing. The car. The shower. All around the house. At work. I get busted occasionally at work.

Over the course of the last couple of years I have come to love the ability to blog. Not only do I get to write - I get to PUBLISH it. Do I make money from my grand pen? Nope. But it is very fulfilling to me. I enjoy it immensley. And I have done it long before I started my blog. I have notebooks upon notebooks of my writing. When I go back and read them, I cry, I am embarrassed, I laugh - I am amazed - by God's goodness to me.

Since I have been married, I have started a new thing. I refurbish things. I take the old and make it newer. I will post some pictures of some of my projects. But I have a crawl space full of things I intend to "makeover". I have chairs - one of which I snagged from someone's garbage in Mountain Brook and carried a mile home - while 5 months pregnant with child. I love that chair. I do not think I could get rid of it now for anything. Everytime I look at it, I think - "How in the world did I do that 5 months pregnant?" I have two chairs in my living room my Mom picked up from someones garbage. She got three - we remade two.  I love those chairs. She and I re-upholstered them together. I love those chairs. They remind me of my sweet Mom and the gifts I have acquired from her.

All of this to say folks is when I woke up this morning, I was going over my day in my head and letting God know that this day was his and everything in it. I was telling him my heart and I came downstairs to do my reading.

Look at what I read:

Romans 12:3-8

Serve God with Spiritual Gifts



3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 4 For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. 6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 7 or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

Here - Paul is relating God's desire for us to use our spiritual gifts to encourage and serve others. I think God wants us to do this with the other gifts he gives us as well. We should use them to serve others, to encourage others, to build others up. If you are sitting on the gifts - spiritiual - or physical - you are not fulfulling God's purpose for your life.

Find your gifts - use your gifts - give your gifts. You will be happier for it. The reason God gave the ultimate gift was for us to have life and have it more abundantly. The key is to use his liberal gifts for his glory!

John 10:9,10
9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me,he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Merry Christmas!

For whom the Lord loves he chastens...

For several months now - there has been housecleaning going on in my spiritual life. I asked God to help me do right, to expose my sin and to make me like him. Every hidden thing has come to light. The things I could not confess out loud he helped me by exposing and I am so repentant. The consequences of my sin are hard. So hard. It is painful and it is weighty and I am having to look to God to help me moment by moment.

This morning in my reading Hebrews 12 encouraged and showed me something else I have asked for countless times. "Lord, show me you love me."

The Discipline of God

3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. 5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

“ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,

Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;

6 For whom the LORD loves He chastens,

And scourges every son whom He receives.”

7 If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? 8 But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. 11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

 

And though this present life is hard, I pray that God will remind me of his love for me. Through tears of sadness and frustration even, I had to thank God for answering my prayers. He is making me more like him, and he is chastening me - he loves me. What an amazing and wonderful thing to KNOW.

 
I can only be grateful.

Truly Grateful....

The other day I was doing my usual wrestling with my baggage. My "baggage" is everything I cannot let go of and gripe about consistently - if not out loud, certainly in my head. I think I was in the middle of "I have given up so much, and deserve better than...", when a picture of who I really am suddenly popped into my mind. It was not pretty. I saw my selfishness - displayed in many relationships, and my rebelliousness, unfortunately seen in every area of my life...I saw the times I was unkind and ungrateful and mean spirited. Apparently, I try to block these things out - because I was pretty shocked at the truly unlovely me.

It occured to me - I have so much more than I deserve. And I meant it - and still mean it. I deserve nothing - less than nothing, and yet God has blessed me with so much. I have a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh, he plays with our boys and he works hard to provide for us. My kids are amazing. They are so smart and such sweet boys. My Mom and Dad are the most precious folks in the world - willing to do so much and tirelessly so at their retirement age. My mother and father-in-law are much like my mother and father. The support and help they give is such a comfort, and our relationship is amazing. My entire family blesses me - both Andy's and mine - they constantly bring me joy. I love my church family - so blessed by them and their encouragement. We have a wonderful home in a great neighborhood, with amazing neighbors. The public schools my boys go to are full of precious people, and wonderful Christians striving to be salt and light in a world of things gone topsy turvy. I have been blessed with sweet friendships from unexpected places. What is more - this list goes on - and on.

How shameful of me to turn so inward that I cannot see the blessings that are all about me everyday. Apparently, it will be something I have to work hard to avoid. Which would be the consistent counting of my blessings -and remembering that very vivid, ugly picture God allowed me to see at the right time. It certainly brought me up short and nipped the complaining - for now. For a little while anyway, I have things in perspective.

Colossians 2:6-8
6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,
7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Gathering Together

A couple of Sundays ago I went to church. I sat and cried and cried the entire time. My heart would wrench at every word my pastor would say at every note and sweet word in the songs we sang. I knew folks could see me. It was impossible to hide the incredible emotion that was flowing out of me that morning.

I did not want to go to church that morning. I did not because I knew I was overwhelmed with my life and I knew I would cry. It did not matter that I could remind myself of how blessed I was. It did not matter that I love my church and the family of God that is there every Sunday.

I simply had hit the wall of how much I could handle and apparently the tears are a way for me to release that pent up emotion I do my best to stamp down. But sometimes - it just will not stay inside.

Monday morning I got a message in my inbox on Facebook from a friend at church who had sat behind me. I asked her if I could print it and she said yes.

It goes like this:

Friend: I was aching to see you feeling so sad this morning. I hope everything will be OK, whatever it is.

Me: Oh sweet friend - thank you! I have been trying to rationalize my emotions all day. I would like to blame it on this extreme diet I am on (Dr supervised), or just being tired, or just the fact that life just seems to get faster and faster. I am trying so hard to count my blessings, but many times I just seem to fall back into being overwhelmed at this place we are in. We are so blessed though! So this just makes me more upset that I am being so goofy!

I know you know how it feels though. Thank you sweet friend. Your reaching out to me means more than you know!

Friend: I've been feeling pretty down lately, too. Every now and then the feeling rolls around and it's pretty strong. Getting up and going to church has been hard for me lately. This sense of being overwhelmed makes me feel like I don't have time for God or the church and I KNOW I need God to get through "this" but I literally don't see how I can physically do what is required of me. If it weren't for the kids, I'd miss more. We just keep pluggin' away, don't we, and God never leaves us... but it doesn't always feel that way. Yes, our blessings are all around us and I have to keep reminding myself of that as well.

Me: I am so glad to hear you say that. Andy does not understand my not wanting to come to church. But I have struggled mightily with coming. And for the same reason I keep waking up on Sundays and bringing the boys in - usually late. They need to be there....and so do I. I am so glad to hear I am not the only one - and so glad to know that you and I both continue to come in spite of it (another blessing - those children!).

Oh and I totally agree with not seeing how we can physically do what is required. But - yes - we will get up and get done what we can and what doesn't - we will not worry about! At least try not to worry about!

My heart feels lighter now. God is so good. Thank you again! So much!


The conversation went on a bit more - but the above portion was what I wanted to share. How many of us feel that church is just one more thing to do? That God is on our checklist and we do what he asks because it is a duty - when worship and time alone in the Word is a blessing and a gift. And yet - it just doesn't always feel that way.

Duty is not a bad thing. Sometimes it is all that keeps us going - and yet - I want desperately to remember the blessings that come from our gathering together each week to worship and fellowship. It is what keeps my head above water! I don't want to forget that - and I wanted to remind others as well. Come on in to the house of the Lord - you will be refreshed. Count on it.

Hebrews 10:24-25
24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Perspective

Yesterday on my way home from work, I was listening to Magic 96.5. They are having a fundraiser for Children's Hospital.

There was a Mom on there. She was talking about how her child had obviously lost hope. I do not know what this child had. I hit the station after the introduction. She went on to say how she would watch him look out of the window and the interest in his eyes had gone. He no longer wanted to watch his cartoons. He no longer interacted with people. He was giving up. As I listened to the hysterical woman talk about her child, I was gripped with certain horror. This is no exxageration. I was horrified.

She had a talk with her child that went something like this - "Baby - you know the difference between living and dying don't you?" The little boy replied, "Yes Mama". She continued, "When you quit wanting to watch your cartoons and quit wanting to get out of the bed and play, you know you will probably die right?" The little boy answered, "Yes Mama." She beseeched her son, "You must keep on wanting to live, because I can't imagine this life without y-."

I changed the channel. My throat hurt. My eyes began to water and I began to cry the ugliest sounding cry I have ever heard.

Oh my goodness. Oh - my - goodness. How thankful I am that my children are healthy. How thankful I am that they are happy and that I am not sitting by their bedside begging them to find the will to live.

My heart is mush.

It puts things in perspective doesn't it?

Huh....

I was watching High School Musical 3 tonight. Seriously. There were no children in the room either. I didn't watch it all...just a small part. I guess what made me stop was Troy said he wasn't sure what to do. He was frustrated and he went to the place that seemed to give him freedom to vent his feelings. The drama teacher just happened to be in there. She gave him an encouraging little speech and one of the things she said was, "Living out your convictions takes courage."

Holy cow.

I think that it's an amazing thing to hear something so encouraging and convicting from a cheesey Disney movie. But there it is. Living out your convictions and dreams DOES take courage. And faith.

What are my convictions? What are my dreams? What do I think God wants for me right now? This month? This year? This lifetime?

I heard a man on the radio being interviewed. He was the winner of The Biggest Loser. He said that he laid aside his dreams to follow a more practical route to care for his family. I am all for practical...I am about the most utilitarian person I know. But the whole idea of "laying aside his dreams" kind of stuck with me all day, and then when I heard Mrs. Darbus - my mind raced.

Is life too short NOT to find the courage to live out my convictions? My dreams?

Making the vapor that is my life count is expected of me by God. I believe that.

Ephesians 5
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Silver Lining

You know, in every hard thing - there is always a way out. It seems to me that God has always made a way for me to handle the things that I think will be the hardest.

So many things that I have loved are no longer there. I have not considered them much of a sacrifice until the last few months. Probably because I have felt so lost lately.

I loved Mobile, never intended to leave. And yet I did. I loved my church in Mobile, had every intention of staying there my whole life - I loved being a member there. I was surrounded with people that "got" me. I loved singing - it was truly a passion - now, I only sing in the car or in the bathtub. I loved being at home with my children. And yet, here I am working full-time.

Each and every one of those things was an identifier for me. It was how I defined myself. I am a Mobilian. I am a Baptist. I am a singer. I am a full-time mother. I loved each one of those things passionately. As each one was lost, I felt more and more transparent. I could no longer see myself. I felt lost.

I have been so caught up in the hardness of work, or duties at home, of the boys activities and homework that I haven't always been able to see the good that comes from each one of them.

I have made unhealthy substitutes that are not in my best interest. I have been miserable. I put on the happy face. I tell my friends, "It will be fine". And honestly, I am coping. But who wants to just cope?

Last week I stopped by a co-worker's office. She told me about a book she was reading and how God was using it for her to share the love of God with others. In her conversation I heard a sincere desire to serve others well, to love others well. Her words of encouragement were such a help to me. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the life buoy she lobbed at me - probably without knowing it. She handed me this tiny card and said, "Have you ever used these? They are amazing".

It was a tiny little card to write your prayers on. I took it, hugged her and moved on. I looked at that little prayer card for a couple of days. When I went back in on Thursday morning, I wrote a short prayer. "Convince me you love me Lord".

I don't think that little card was anything more than a gentle nudge to go before God with my heavy heart. But I think that small nudge helped me be more aware of things. I realized I truly do love my job. I will admit this scares me a little sometimes because when I get home I have very little left to give to my family. But for 8 hours a day, I enjoy what I do. I absolutely love the people I work with in my department. And we are all women. Not completely drama free but a wonderful group of women. Not many people can say that.

My boys have friends that have precious moms. God has given me fellowship in areas I never expected to find it. I have been uplifted and loved well by these precious sisters in Christ. They have come about me and lifted me up, especially in this last week. How very thankful I am to them! I am loved. And very well loved at that.

Friday morning another co-worker dropped by my office. She proceeded to tell me about God's hand in her life. I sat amazed as I listened to her faith in God in obvious hard times. And how she is content and knows God's love. She knows nothing of my situation. God obviously moved her to come in there. I have been there three months and we have never exchanged more than a good morning or a how are you.

For the last few months, though I have seen how blessed I am in God's provision for me and my family (we have all that we need, we are healthy - PRAISE GOD!) I have felt disconnected. I have felt unattached and that God had left me to drift.

But upon reflection, it seems that God took away those things I identified with, in order to make me see what my true identity is. His child. First and foremost - without question - it is the one thing that is foundational to my life. Those other things mean nothing if they are not based on my belonging to my heavenly father.

I forget that.

I am not through all of this yet. I know I will still flounder. But I am more encouraged than I have been in so very long. Thank you to those friends who have allowed God to use them in such amazing ways. Thank you God for loving me enough to strip it all down and get down to the bare bones of the problem.

There is always a silver lining...I just have a tendency to focus on the dark parts.

1 Corinthians 10:12-14
12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it

The Only Thing To Fear...

I sat and watched show after show last night. They depicted the horrifying scenes that I can't forget from September 11, 2001. That was a day that will be forever marked in history. A horrible thing for the United States and especially those who lost loved ones in that horrible event.

It also made an impact on me. It was the beginning of a very real feeling of being unsafe. We had been invaded by people that hated us - for no other reason than being American. I remember that carved out feeling of fear...of my world never being the same again. I was prickly and insecure about my future and that of my children.

My Mom called me and told me that my Dad had stage 2 testicular cancer and was going to have to have surgery and go through chemo. Again my world was shaken. It made no sense that there was a possibility I would lose my Dad. There were many hours of extreme fear and crying to God for my Dad.

Katrina blew into New Orleans over two hours away from my parents river house in Mobile. When they called me and told me that the river house was gutted, I couldn't believe it. It was a mess. I went down to Mobile on my own and was heart-broken at the sight of my parent's home. I mourned the loss of a place I had grown up. The fact that something so far away could totally destroy my parents home was horrifying to me.

When Obama became president, I was scared. The images that the talking heads placed in my head made it hard for me to sleep at night because of the insecurity that change brings. And he was bringing change, there was no doubt about it.

Commercials even started scaring me. I feared termites and my dogs dying of heart worms and my children getting swine flu.

The economy took a plunge and I feared that it would impact us, and it did. My husband lost his job, and I had to start working full time. Two things I prayed and prayed that God would never allow to happen...and yet it did.

So where does this leave me as I sit and ponder the turn of events in the last 10 years? I am at a hard place. Have been for a long time. And I keep choosing to put one foot in front of the other and to move forward the best I can. I keep clinging to that tiny grain of faith that has been given me and I berate myself for the lack of it's strength and growth.

You probably see a consistent theme with me and it seems to be struggle. I am no different from anyone else I guess. It seems that other folks deal with things better than I do. It seems they look to God and bravely shoulder through the difficulties. I feel like I am wallowing in my fear and insecurities. I don't even recognize myself somedays.

But one thing keeps coming to my mind.

Romans 8:14-16
14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

If I can believe that God loves me at all like I love my children, then this should be an immense thing to comfort me. Something to cling to when I am afraid. And it seems I am afraid a lot these days.

My prayer will continue to be let me know that you love me like a Father loves his child, Lord. Give me that confidence. I beg it of you.