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Wednesday, May 13, 2020

The decision - strike that - decisions...

Hundreds of decisions each day. I make them. You make them. Sometimes they are good, other times, not so much.

Do I get out of my bed early and shower? Or do I lay here and read? Do I call in for a mental day? Or do I go on and do the job I committed to do? Do I have a biscuit and bacon for breakfast - with sweet creamy coffee? Or do I eat an egg with fruit and black coffee. But there is coffee. And each and every decision affects the next one. And the next one. And so on.

There are some days good decisions seem so easy. I have somehow paved the way to wake up and do the right thing and it leads to a series of good decisions. One good decision seems to beget another.

And here is the catch. I think to do it consistently -you have to do a little prep work. It is part of becoming an adult. And it works. You are never sorry for making a good decision. Or for the work that came before to help you make the good decision. You are always sorry for making a bad decision...and for not being wise enough to be prepared. And you will have bad days. A fact.

There are some people who seem to be more natural at it than others. Seeeem to be.

The hard part is being consistent. And the prep work. And well - it all takes work.  At least for me. I am inconsistent at best. Because I don't want to do all the leg work.

And such is life right? We would all RATHER sit and read, or watch Netflix or stare out the window. Mm. Let me take that back. I have a friend that can't not be productive. It's annoyingly endearing. She watches TV while doing something. She's also thin and always looks put together. So - yeah. No competing with that. Not for me anyway.

With this decision making - I tend to get a little circular in my thinking - I always come back to my personality type. There are a million things that come into how and why we make the decisions we do. Knowing ourselves and how we function. Knowing what will wear us down and learning to know when to stop. But not completely taking yourself out of the rat race - because community is huge. It's important. But it's SO EXHAUSTING.

Simply put. There is no perfect algorithm. Some days are going to go well. Some days - yeah well..there's always tomorrow.

Here is my thinking. I do not do well going full blast for days on end. I burn out and I hit the skids and it is hard for me to get back in the saddle. I cut out completely remembering the misery I brought upon myself and forgetting the joy of actually being part of something that was amazing.

I have to do better at redirecting my thinking to what I accomplished - not what I felt like once I accomplished it. And maybe taking my very large ideas down a notch or two. I LOVE big ideas. That comes from working in a very large student ministry in the early 90's where excess abounded. There is a balance I can find. I KNOW it. I haven't FOUND it.

I also know I want to FIX it. Everything. You tell me a problem, I want to fix it. And I get pissed at you if you don't do what I tell you and are still complaining about the problem. Not pretty. But there it is. Sorry if you have found yourself there. I will try to do better. And you better not try to fix my problem. Because I am hard headed. I know myself - really well. And my fix it need will totally sink my decision making skills.

I also am a self flagellator. It's not a word. And it has nothing to do with gas.That's FLATULENT.  Flagellation is the word - but basically I beat myself up.  And not for sexual gratification if you looked the word up. I suppose you could say it is based in the religious given my desire to be all and do all. Which sounds a little like a god complex. And there is no in between. I am either full out or not. At all. And then I beat the hell out of myself. It is also exhausting. But I will get in the rut and then I can't make a good decision for beating myself up.  Have I talked about this before? I feel like I have talked about this before...

So it seems I might be manic depressive -bi-polar or something. Look - I come from a family that has that history and I am watching it - trust me. My doctor said I am good unless they find me on HWY 280 directing traffic naked - which is comforting. I asked him to please not let me get that far.
It would be tragic on so many levels.

I know I need to be on a couch somewhere telling a psychologist this.

But no.

My decision making paradigm is not based on a sure fire recipe. I started out trying to do that for you - for me. But really - it doesn't exist. Yes - if I plan my wardrobe and eat right and go to bed early and get at least 7 hours (for me anyway), and plan my meals, not buying any junk food (to my three son's despair and resentment), I will be on the road to my best decision making self. But let's face it. With all of my issues that's just not always going to happen.

So I fall back on grace. If you have read ANYTHING I have written before, it is my fall back and my comfort.

Grace - the unmerited favor of God. That is where I repose - but actively - in order to make the best decisions, I have to also seek wisdom. Simply put, it is bound to go well with me when I seek God and his wisdom first. Reading the word and praying before my day begins, changes me and guides me toward a better handle on any decisions that I make.

I still make bad decisions. But thankfully - God's grace is there. But until I am with the Lord and made like him - I will continue to do my best to continue to pursue wisdom. Knowing I will fail but doing my best to hear the call of God as he continues to do a good work in me - in spite of me. And it takes the burden off of me. Thank the LORD I can do this and then plan my day. If I do anything other than reading and praying in the pursuit of a good decision making day - I've already planned to fail.

What about you? What are your hangups? How does your personality sabotage good intentions? How do you fix that?

9 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment,
10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,
11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. - Philippians 1:9-11

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Let me know what you think and how you deal with things. I am always looking to do things better!