The way I am....

I have written about this before. I have an overly competitive nature.

It has been recorded here:
So of course I think I know...
and here:
Reconciled
and here:
How's your heart buddy?

I think my favorite expression for it is "wretchedly competitive".

That's me.

Baseball season makes it particularly difficult for me. I lose all sense of reason and have to talk to my husband to find my balance. When I see myself going all sideways...just talking to him gets me back on course. I am so thankful for his "real" outlook(there are times I call it cynical). I have no such thing. Just as a friend's mom told me, I am the balloon and he is my basket that keeps me from flying out into the ozone.

Even when I see skid marks on the ceiling from him throwing the football in the living room and broken rungs on my favorite chair from rough housing with my boys, I am so thankful for him. My oldest child is a blessing to me. (smile)

So - I am in the midst of All Stars and we are playing our National team, which is the team they stack with all the best players (not that my child doesn't deserve to be on it - ahem) we are on the American team. Of course my mom instincts cloud my ability to see straight during these games. I see someone (my boys team mates) safe when they are called out by the other teams "ump". I am running around to the dugout asking my husband if that was true or not.

Now - am I embarrassed to be sharing this with you? Yes.

My intention is to purge myself of this heinous need to be the best - always. It is exhausting. It is also the reason I give up. It is all just too much! There is so much to be done and done well - that I have a hard time managing it all. I really believe that this may be the reason I fall into a ditch so often. I find myself depressed and unable to function at times. I do believe it is because I cannot do it all. And I want to. The fact is - my best efforts fall short of what my mind envisions. It is discouraging to say the least.

Just recently I read that this is a different type of "perfectionism". I have never considered myself a perfectionist...but I think I am - in a way. I have a vision of how things should be in my mind. It is grand and beautiful and when I cannot make it happen, it makes me sad.

But there is no way around it except to get up every morning and do my best with what we have. To temper my expectations and to preach the Gospel to myself. I am not my own salvation. I cannot be or do all that I envision. I forget to take one moment at a time. So - I slow down - get done what I can and not worry about the rest.

And when I find myself getting all strung out over little league all stars
 - remember that it is not being the best that matters. It is the little lessons we learn...not just the kids - but the parents as well.

Ephesians 2:8-10

⁸ For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹ not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. 

 

It helps to remember that my works are not what save me. It is the work that has already been done. And not by me. By the Son of God.

 

This should relieve some of the burden - but it is something I have to revisit often. I forget so easily.

Here's hoping I do better.