PajamaMama

How's your heart, buddy?

2012-02-04T15:51:00.004-06:00

I took one of the twinks with me to Wal-mart today. He wanted a new basketball and his dad said he had to go if he wanted it. He didn't want me picking out one and then the 3 boys complaining about it. This way- whatever we got - it was all on them. The catch was this was my two week trip. I shop for our entire two weeks of meals and it can be a bit grueling to go on a Saturday. But he said he would go.

What a sweet boy. He pushed the cart and never complained once. He was happy and helpful and I loved being able to spend that time one on one with him.

We saw some friends from a travel ball team we had previously been on. The history here is he was asked to be on this travel ball team last Spring and at the end of the season, it dissolved. The coach got a promotion at his job and said one of the other coaches could pick it up if they wanted to, but we never heard anything so we assumed that was the end of it.

Then my boy came home from school telling me that one of the boys on the team said they were starting it back up. He asked me if we had heard anything and I had to tell him no. Apparently we weren't going to be asked to be on this new team. Of course - my first reaction was not the best reaction. Thankfully it was all in my head and heart but I just told my son not to worry about it. We have always enjoyed park ball and love the comeraderie there.

I kept hearing of the kids that would be on the team. In our community, it is hard not to hear of what is going on - we are a pretty close group and it is bound to come to our attention. I have to say my heart felt pretty pounded. Of course it was for my boy. My feelings were shredded over how he felt and how he was dealing with it. But the issue was never with him, I found. It was totally me. He told our friends there at Wal-mart what team he was on at the park and we wished them well and went our way. I was concerned.

I asked my son how his heart was. "How do you feel about the travel ball team with all of the folks you played with starting up and you not being asked?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I am happy to be playing with my friends at the park". I asked him how he thought our reaction to this kind of situation should be. He said, "I have just been glad to be able to play ball again".

What a treasure he is. Apparently - if he was struggling with his identity in all of this - he has come to a healthy conclusion. It has nothing to do with what you are missing. It has everything to do with your thankfulness for what you have. I actually think we are right where we are supposed to be. I have warred with my feeling of being left out - of not being good enough - of our identity in the midst of all of this. This is not a terrible thing. As long as we come to the conclusion of how blessed we are to be where we are.

It is a wonderful lesson. Our identity has nothing to do with who chooses us to be on their team. It has nothing to do with whether other folks think we are good enough, or have enough money. It has to do with the fact that we are the children of God. Thankful hearts and contentment come from being thankful for what you have and whose you are. For those who know me well - I am ridiculously competitive. It is a wretched fight I have with myself constantly over my wanting to be the best - at whatever - and of course that spills over to my poor children. So being here - for now - is a big deal for me.

We love our friends on the travel ball teams. We think the world of them. The internal struggle of not measuring up can strike us at any time and cause us all kinds of resentment. Thank the Lord that he has given us (me) the gumption to come down to what is really most important here.

I'd say my little boy is quite the wise man. My heart is exceedingly glad.

Oh the Possibilities...

2012-01-22T07:48:00.008-06:00

This week has been wonderful. I accomplished so much that I wanted to and I have seen God's provision in so many areas of our life.

I have taken a tiny step toward self employment. I bought furniture. I found amazingly, good boned furniture at the thrift store this week. Beautiful stuff. Or it will be. My first finds were end tables (2), a nice chair that I will refinish and do a slip cover for and a rattan table. The truly thrilling thing about it is that they are in great shape. Just a little hard work and they will be re-purposed.

I have researched techniques and tools of the trade. I even set up a spreadsheet to show my expenses and projected my actual profits. So many new things that just seem to feed the desire to create and learn.

I love the feeling of the possibilities. What they are now and what they could be. I love that I am going to give it a shot. It is revitalizing. Everyone should be able to wake up and feel that way.

The possibilities are endless.

I am starting to think that if someone is waking up in the morning and consistently feeling like there is no future in whatever it is they are doing, they need to rethink it. It may be a sign that they are not reaching far enough - not fulfilling their true potential.

I am not saying it is a good idea for anyone to quit their job before they have another one. I think one should always do their best to be wise in their pursuits.

To be honest, I don't know how my little venture is going to turn out. I am not even sure that I will be able to sell these pieces. But I love the fact that there is a possibility of doing it and doing it well. I love that I have control over being available to my kids and being home with them. I love that I feel good again. It has been life changing for me. These things are definitely lined up with what I think God desires for me and my family.

The bottom line is, there are endless possibilities. Nothing is impossible with God. If we believe that, then we act on it. We live like it's true. We trust that the future is in the his hands...being faithful with the gifts, the talents, the resources he has given by using them well is being obedient to God's calling. It is a guaranteed return of contentment and satisfaction in knowing you went the distance. Nothing ventured - nothing gained - and all that. ( smiling )

Once again - I say it so often these days - it's exciting.

I am posting the parable of the bags of gold from Matthew 25

The Parable of the Bags of Gold

Matthew 25

14 “Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his wealth to them. 15 To one he gave five bags of gold, to another two bags, and to another one bag, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received five bags of gold went at once and put his money to work and gained five bags more. 17 So also, the one with two bags of gold gained two more. 18 But the man who had received one bag went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.
19 “After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five bags of gold brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five bags of gold. See, I have gained five more.’
21 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
22 “The man with two bags of gold also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two bags of gold; see, I have gained two more.’
23 “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
24 “Then the man who had received one bag of gold came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’
26 “His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? 27 Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.
28 “‘So take the bag of gold from him and give it to the one who has ten bags. 29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. 30 And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Projects

2012-01-19T08:57:00.007-06:00

I have a list of things I want to do before I start working again. I fear my list is much too big to actually get done but I am giving it my best shot.

My first project was getting my bedroom rearranged and new dust ruffle (what a goofy name - it is not a ruffle - though it does collect dust - it just doesn't keep it from getting on anything else though).

I bought these new pillows before I knew what I would do with them. I just loved them and they were on clearance so I had to get them. They make me want to keep my room clean. Yes - I admit I still hate to clean my room. It is very hard for me to ask my kids to keep their room clean when I hate it as much as I do. So - I have to do something that inspires me to do so. These pillows are it.

So I have rearranged and put my dust ruffle on and hung up pictures and I can check off my first project. There are things I still want to do in there. But for now, this is a very happy beginning.

Gerbera Daisies are my favorite and my Wedding angel picture from one of my bridesmaids graces my nightstand. And the sweet little angel my mother gave me that is singing her little heart out is a constant reminder of how blessed I am by my Mom and Dad. The covered bridge painting is a contribution by my husband and incorporates his love of the rustic. I absolutely love my room.

Making the old new...

2012-01-17T09:06:00.003-06:00

I have a favorite book. It's a children's book. I can still pick it up and read it and look at the pictures and it delights me as if I were a seven year old. I love it.

It's called The Oxcart Man.

What I am consistently struck by in this lovely book, is how wonderfully time is used. How resources are pulled from and made into something useful and profitable. And something about that just lights a fire in me - encourages me - inspires me.

I want to do the same thing.

Now - my husband - even though he worked on his grandfathers tobacco farm growing up, is not going to sell the house and move to a farm where we produce crops and live off of the land. Though I would be open to it, I don't see him doing that any time soon. Though I really don't think it is a bad idea. Truly.

My favorite summers have been when I had my garden in the back yard and I grew tomatoes, herbs and such. I loved going out, picking the vegetable and bringing it in and cooking with it. It truly satisfied a longing in me.

I want to go back to that.

But not only that. I want to look with open eyes at my surroundings, at what we have and manage it well. To use it for profit - whether that is in our home, or to give away or sell. Doesn't really matter. I want to create, to use what we have wisely and to make something useful of it. I want to take the old and make it new.

I had a friend e-mail me and ask me if I wanted to refurbish old furniture. And my answer was immediately yes! I do it all the time - or used to. I have garbage chairs that I think are adorable.

This is one of them. My mom pulled them from a garbage pile and she and I refinished them and re-upholstered them - all ourselves. We made two of them. They are my favorite chairs.

Something is so very basic about that. So down to earth and natural. It's a good fit. So I am going for it. Prayerfully - God will bless the efforts. I must make the effort to do it and not just romanticize about it (which is my tendency). Because sometimes - being creative and making the ideas work is hard. But seeing it through will bring reward. And whether that is just for our household or if it brings use to others - that is a blessing and a reward in and of itself.

Of course this is a beautiful picture of what God does for us.

2 Corinthians 5:17
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
So I am off - to do. Something. Something great. Something great for God.

So enough talk - time to put the words into action!

It's exciting.

Define It...

2012-01-16T09:56:00.003-06:00

In a spelling bee, you are given the word and it is repeated. The contestant has the right to request to, "define it". It helps them get a handle on the word.

This morning, I made my husband a sandwich and poured his coffee and gave him his muffins as he was going to work. I sat with the boys while they played their video game and commented as encouragingly as I knew how and then proceeded to get my "to do" list compiled.

I left the mayo out, so as I was cleaning up the kitchen I picked it up to screw on the lid tighter and it slipped out of my hand and bounced on the floor. I was grateful that it did not look like it was too terribly bad until I felt it all over the front of my clothes and then saw a line that splattered all the way across the kitchen. It was impressive the mess it made. My first desire was to rant about how many sandwiches that could have made and I managed to blow it all over the floor - and myself. And then I thought, "So it's going to be THAT kind of day is it?".

BUZZER

Nope. Can't do that.

I am very into defining things lately. This room needs to be rearranged, my thought process is - "we need to define the space". "What do you want to do there?", "How do you want to live in it?"...etc. I like to ask myself - "What am I, and how do I fit into the equation?" "How do I manage to bring in an income and stay faithful to what I feel God has called me to?"....my quandaries regarding defining things - relationships, job prospects, my marriage, my play time, my - everything - are never ending. But there is a danger in defining some things - I tend to live it out come hell or hight water and that just can't happen. There has to be some flexibility.

Now honestly - defining something is actually quite useful. There are some things you just can't move forward on until it is defined. My issue comes from trying to peg something and then living like that definition is set in stone. This is not productive, especially when it comes to defining my day as one that is bad or one that is good. That is useless.

Psalm 118:24
24This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

I should never allow a bad thing to define my whole day. The problem with that is that I discount the day. It was a bad day. It was of no use to me. The fact is, that every day is a blessing. It is another day to learn and live to the fullest and to increase our understanding of God. To blow it off as bad is wasteful. And I do not like to be wasteful. Of course I am - which totally and completely frustrates me about myself. But that is a whole other blog to write.

This day is up to me to choose how I will go about it. I will not allow a circumstance or a problem define the entire day. Bad moment - sure. It is better for me to live moment by moment anyway - otherwise I chunk it all and say I will start over tomorrow (which is why I am never successful on my diets).

Joshua 24:15
And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

I will choose not only this day - but this moment to serve the Lord, in whatever I do. Mayonnaise on my clothes and the greasy residue accross my floor and up the side of the oven will not cause me to define it as bad and give up on the entire day.

Ephesians 5:15-17
15 See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,
16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
17 Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

I am not guaranteed tomorrow. So I must make the most of this day. So I will no longer allow myself the loop hole of throwing out a whole entire day because something or even some things did not go right.

Now - I will give myself a little wiggle room....because some days are just like that.

But not today. I hope.

Fulfilled

2012-01-13T10:34:00.000-06:00

This morning, as I sat on my couch, watching old Felicity episodes and folding scads of clothes, my heart felt like it would bust.

There is no good reason for me to be this happy. Financially my quitting my job has put us in a very tight spot. My sweet husband does not harp on it. He does not complain or even bring it up. But I know it is always in his mind.

How blessed I am to have him.

I should be worried. I should be tearing up the local paper and phone lines chasing after a job. But - all I can think of is the fact that I am more content and anxiety free than I have been in six months. Six months of thinking I was having a heart attack because of my worry over a job that had more to do than I could ever get done, and the fear that I would continue to be thrown under the bus at every turn by a co-worker who apparently did not like me at all. The things I had to put up with to love her well were exhausting. And sometimes I failed miserably - which only added to my burden. I have not cried since the day I left. After months and months of crying on a weekly basis - sometimes a daily basis - I can't even begin to express the relief.

But today, I got up at my normal time of 5:30AM, read and made breakfast for my babies, got their lunches ready, drove them to school, came back and made breakfast for my husband and saw him off to work. What a blessed gift! Now I sit and fold clothes and pray over the items as I stack them - the time to be able to think about my babies and how they are growing and what they need - it is such an amazing feeling.

Comparing where I am now and where I was three weeks ago is like night and day. And it makes my heart exceedingly glad.

I know that I need to find another source of income, and soon. But the time I have had to be able to recover and to regroup and to care for my home again - has been an overwhelming and welcome reprieve. In my heart, I know that God will provide for us. And that I am exactly where he wants me to be right now. I pray I will remember these precious days and hold them in my heart as a token of God's love for me. His desire to see me - not necessarily happy - but fulfilled by him and his sustenance.

Poppin' Off at the Mouth

2012-01-12T06:14:00.002-06:00

There is a practice I have that I need to nip in the bud. It's my mouth. I say things without thinking. Allllllll the time.

It's a bad practice. Horrible habit. And frankly, it shows me for what I am...a foolish woman. When someone wants advice, my knee jerk reaction is to rush in with a verbal onslaught of my experiences without thinking. Or - to actually say what I am thinking - which really - in so many cases should probably be best left unsaid until I have thought it through - all the way.

I just read a blog where someone asked for advice from their pastor's wife and it said she, "asked for time to consider it", then came back with sound wisdom.

Yeah. That is what I should always do.

I will say that I have become much more aware of my garrulous tendencies, which in many cases, tend to be nervous energy released in verbal form. Also not such a good thing. So lately - I have asked God for help with my mouth - and my brain - that what escapes my mouth will be premeditated and ordained by God. That I will have self control and not be so willing to "pop off" as is my tendency.

There are times when my prattle - though tiresome to some - is perfectly alright. But there are other times when my light treatment of certain subjects tends to only make the waters muddier. I don't want to be that person. I would much rather be self controlled and thoughtful.

But there is the fact that God made me who I am for a reason. He gave me my personality and tendencies to manage well and to use for his glory.

Being measured in thought and speech is very doable. My first step is to look to him to help me be wise with my words. Both written and spoken.

Proverbs 31:26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

First step is to be aware of the need. And I need to be working toward wisdom.

James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

I do not doubt that some folly will fall from my mouth from time to time. But I truly want to be a more thoughtful person in all I say and do. This will serve my family and friends much better - and I am sure there will be a lot less regret on my part. Which is always a good thing.

The Blessed Vessel (changed the name :-) )

2012-01-11T09:41:00.006-06:00

I dug in deep yesterday. I cleaned out and moved and vacuumed behind - it was a thing of - frankly - disgust. This house was dirty. After a year and a half of surface cleaning you can only imagine how bad it was. In my cleaning though, there were some things that just wouldn't scrub off.

The dents in the wall that was strangely shaped like a ball. The nicks and scrapes from our many games of "hall ball" - not to mention the broken glass in the framed pitcures on the wall. Scratches were in the floor from our many tries with heelies in the kitchen.

This house was a mess. It was in need of major care.

In my frustration the thought kept occuring to me, "What does it matter? If I fixed it, it would just happen again.

And in the midst of my frustration, it suddenly occured to me that we actually LIVE in this house.

We play HARD. We laugh, we live - we fulfill God's purpose with joy. Or - at least - we are learning to.

It changes the way I see this house. It is a blessed vessel to shelter us while we fulfill God's design for us while we are passing through this short, precious, time here on earth.

Time to quit worrying over the things that do not matter and start working on the things that will count for eternity.

I love this house - with all of it's boo boos and messes. It is God's provision for us. How very blessed we are with it!

Into the glorious unknown...

2012-01-08T08:38:00.002-06:00

Many of you know that I quit my job. About five weeks ago I decided that my life was not what God intended. There is no way I could accomplish what they were asking me to at my job and do it well. There was not enough pay to pay someone to do what I wanted to be doing in my own home. Why in the world would I be trying to pay someone to take care of my household when it was what I longed to do? That scenario of the working mom was not for me. My heart longed to be home. I am pretty sure my friends at work knew it as well.

So - I turned in my notice. Without another job to go to. My poor, sweet husband.

But what gripped me, instead of fear, was joy. Joy that I was home, joy that I got to take my kids to school again, that I would be home with them at the end of the day. There are things I have longed to do. My writing, my art, my music - now I could actually accomplish some of these things.

What if I could accomplish these things and make money? What an adventure that would be. And the thought my pastor planted in my head keeps going round and round. We do not trust God to step out and do something great for him.

So I have been brainstorming. Friends have e-mailed me and wonderful talks over delicious lunches have occured. There are many things that could work. Many things that may be able to provide the additional income as well as fulfill my talents and abilities. It is such an adventure!

Through it all, I keep thinking about a Stephen Curtis Chapman song called The Great Adventure. It is now my theme song.

So - saddle up your horses, folks.
This is the great adventure. I cannot wait to see what lies in the glorious unknown. Trusting God to lead me there.
I am looking forward to sharing it with you as it unfolds.

Six Little Bedheaded Boys

2012-01-07T09:37:00.002-06:00

So the boys have been begging me for months to have friends over. I just couldn't find the gumption. Really? I have three kids already, and where I used to say, "what's one more kid?", I don't say that anymore. One more kid seems more than I can handle.

But since I have started my Great Adventure things seem different. Am I any less tired? No. I am however, not nearly as stressed out. I have also embraced the fact that things will never be in reality what they are in my head. My head is full of ridiculously romantic notions of a perfectly clean house with well behaved kids and amazing meals with memorable moments. I am nuts. Well, about everything but the memorable moments. That to me, is attainable without all of the orderly things.

I have been cleaning out an 8 year olds room this week. An 8 year old that has 11 years of hand me downs that stopped with him and never moved on. It is a small room, full of baby toys. Well...not anymore. I have cleaned it out. And with no job, I have proceeded to try to sell whatever seemed sellable. I am thinking about venturing onto eBay even. Scary.

My house in cleaning out the room is a shambles. My ADD apparently is running rampant in the mountains of things not kept up with in the last 18 months. So, I have piles everywhere. Piles of old clothes, piles of dirty clothes, piles of clean clothes that need to be folded, piles of nerf guns, piles of Christmas decorations that need to be put in the attic. Seriously a focus nightmare. And the boys continue to beg.

We give in. I - in my normal overly optimistic way - thought I could get the piles cleared out and put away in one day. I might could have, but a friend asked me to lunch. Well...I would much rather go to lunch than clean up piles. It's a no brainer. And I missed my friend. People are more important than things - always. And I rationalized that I could get it done in a few hours if I dropped my standards a bit.

So off to lunch I went. I came home refreshed and encouraged and full of wonderful ideas. It was such a good decision. But I had an hour to get the house clean before the SIX boys came home. A wee bit panicky - not for the boys sake - but for mine (I am still operating from that orderly idea in my head), I begin to do whatever I can to get the mess tamed.

Fail.

But come to find out, it did not matter. Within an hour of all 3 of our guests arriving and added to my own 3, the house was a wonderful, raucous, melee of arms legs and constant motion. It did not wind down until 2:30AM when I got up from my own bed and used my stern voice to yell, "GO TO SLEEP".

When I stepped down and saw six little bedheads this morning, laughing, playing and enjoying each other, I was suddenly very thankful I didn't clean the house any better than I had, because I would be doing it all over again today. But what a happy thing to hear friends playing capture the flag in my little cottage of a house. How happy it was to watch them as they grabbed pancakes and sausage and bowed their heads together to thank God for their breakfast, then scurry off to finish the game.

As I sat down to do my daily blog and Bible reading, I looked down to see the menu of the restaurant I went to with my precious friend. It is a Mediteranean restaurant and the menu is a gracious extension of the hospitality I felt when I sat down to eat lunch.

It says, " In our culture, "breaking bread" with someone is a signal of everlasting friendship. So as you break bread with us today, we genuinely hope that even though you came in as a customer, you will leave as a friend, and come back to see us soon." (Naji's Pita Gourmet - John Hawkins Parkway - Hoover, AL)

And that is exactly how I feel. I pushed aside something that didn't matter to break bread with a friend, and gave up on a perfect house and enjoyed the moment in spite of the monumental mess. I would say it was a decidedly perfectly guided decision. I feel my boys benefitted from it, as did I.

I am pretty sure the reality of a messy house and happy children, is much better then the ideal in my head. I thank God for the lovely, excited voices of these six little bed headed boys.

The Way You Make Me Feel....

2012-01-06T08:50:00.006-06:00

This morning started off a little rocky. I had to make one of the boys do something they did not want to. He needed a book off of the supply cart at school and did not want to get it. He felt "stupid". He was unsure about how to go about it and really just dug in. I told him he had to do it. He was very unhappy.

I hate for my babies to be unhappy - but this is real life.

In my desire for him to understand why he had to do it in spite of his not wanting to, I went into some detail. I asked him why he felt stupid. He explained that some older kids made some snide comments about 6th graders and their newby-ness. It was not to him, but it was to someone else in the past. It could have been their first day as far as I know. But it stuck in his head and now it has influenced him to want to look like he was an old pro at everything he put his hand to. How unrealistic.

I do the same thing though...and I am 45 years old. Ridiculous isn't it? So it's hard to be annoyed at an 11 year old when I do the same thing. I told him that the 7th and 8th graders at school had their first time at everything there at the school. They are also unsure and will begin the same insecure process when they get to highschool next year. They are no better than him. They will have to learn and make some public mistakes just like he will. It doesn't end when you get out of highschool either. I still make newby mistakes. It's just a part of life.

I explained to him that what would make him different from others is how he reacted to a hard situation. Lashing out to make others feel badly is not a good way to make yourself feel better. Most reasonable people get that if you don't know how to do something - you ask. When you see someone else who doesn't know something - you don't use it to build yourself up by making a crack at them...you encourage and help them.
I want my boys to learn that life is not about them. It is about God. Their identity does not come from how accomplished they are. Not how smart, not how good they are at something. Their identity comes from being a child of God.

1 Corinthians 8

1 Now about food sacrificed to idols: We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. 2 Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know. 3 But whoever loves God is known by God.

Here Paul is teaching that knowledge is not always a good thing. It can cause someone to think they are better than they really are. Whereas - love is what defines us as children of God. We love God and he knows us as his own. This love will overflow to others.

Luke 10:27
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ ; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”

John 13:
34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Romans 15:
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

God wants us to deny the things of the world. What the world understands as accomplishment, riches, love - is not God's understanding. His love will cause others to stumble when they rely on their own understanding. They must see with spiritual eyes that God is God. He cannot be boxed, he cannot be packaged. He cannot be made to bend to our will or our desires.

1 Peter 2:7-9
7 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
“The stone the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,
8 and, “A stone that causes people to stumble
and a rock that makes them fall.”
They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.
9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

When understanding comes to us, it is not because we are brilliant. It is not because we have knowledge of our own. It is because God has given it to us.

I am about as dense as they come. I am stubborn and continue to try to push these truths away. I want to live the way I want to. A + B must always equal C. But this is not how it really is. I have a great hope and that hope is that God allows me moments of clarity - where I finally get it. And these moments carry me for days - sometimes weeks until I get another shot. I just keep hoping for those moments as I need them. But I have found I must seek them.

All of this to say - winding it all back to the premise that loving others well, is not meant to make us feel good. The focus is on God - he causes us to be selfless so that we can encourage others. If we are not so focused on how we appear to others, then it is not difficult to be more concerned with loving others better than ourselves. We can become quite foolish in our endeavors and it means nothing. Because we love God first, he knows it. That is all that matters.

This is very freeing. It simplifies everything and brings my focus in. God knows I need that.

I pray that God helps me remember this, and to instill it in my boys.

How to do it....how to do it.....

2012-01-05T08:46:00.000-06:00

So the last several days...since the New Year got here...I have been trying to figure how to go about making things right. What steps to take to make sure that I accomplish my goals, the family needs and what is right before the Lord.

I wrestle mightily with the ol' New Year's resolutions. I have never kept them past 2 weeks. It is a practice in futility setting them up. I have always had resevoirs of cockeyed optimism. I really, really like the whole ridiculously positive part of me. Sure - it makes for a lot of disappointment - but as a whole it is what keeps me going. That's a gift from God to be sure. So - I guess what I need to find is a way to balance that ridiculously cattywompous skew of my vision to be a wee bit more realistic.

So my goal of the past few days has been to pray for a new vision. I want it quickly and I want it to fall into place and start working immediately. This is not so new...once again - not so realistic of me. Whatever vision God gives, I need to understand that his timing is not mine. I need to remember what God's word says:

Galatians 6:8-10
8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

So my first guide is to sow seeds that will please God. And to not give up on the harvest that will come from it.

Alright.

So the next scripture that comes to mind is:
Colossians 3:17
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

So clearly - my guidelines for this year are fairly simple.

Whatever I do - do it in such a way that I am always mindful that God will be glorified through it.

Given my selfish nature this will probably be much more difficult than it sounds. But in light of this, I will move forward.

How will I do this? I will need to daily - probably minute by minute train myself to ask - who am I doing this for? I am sure many times I will throw up the blinders and rationalize my decisions....but I am praying that the Holy Spirit will make me strong in my decisions.

Things that must happen:

Additional income. I need to help with our income. Not just for now but for the boys and college. This is my first goal. I just left a job that kept me from serving my family well. I need to find one that will leave me able to happily take care of them in the evenings and on Saturdays.

Things I want to happen:

Have enough resources to serve others well. Not just to cover our own costs.
Volunteer - not just at the school, but something like tutoring those in need. That requires time.
Incorporate my loves in whatever I do. People, music, writing, creativity...I want these to be a part of how I live. Not a desire I am constantly putting on a shelf because of my "real" job.

Some of the things that will need to happen in order for me to have the energy to accomplish the above is going to require me to deny myself, to ignore the "foodie" within and eat right. To get over the "you deserve this" thingy that is always being whispered in my ear. I deserve nothing...less than nothing. Finding my joy and my contentment in the fact that God has blessed me with more is going to serve me better than my indulgence of my hedonistic tendencies. I must deny myself.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

Now I question whether these things will give glory to God. I absolutely believe that my vision will easily give glory to God. But that is also dependent upon my dependence on my heavenly Father. These desires are from my heart - and it is a heart that longs to serve well on many fronts. So my prayer becomes - "Lord let it be so".

My goal is to ask myself constantly - "will this glorify God"?

Maybe this will be the year I actually do something great for God. Something that only he can accomplish through me. I long for it. I'll let you know how it goes...

State of the Union - 2011...(mine)

2012-01-03T10:06:00.000-06:00

I am not quite ready to let go of Christmas. I have not wanted to move to a new place quite yet. The old was not terrible - it is known and comforting. Especially in light of all of my blessings.

Last night I sat and looked at my Christmas lights (that will be up through this weekend - I am NOT ashamed to say) - and I remembered.

I have been given some time (which is a wonderful gift from God) to do some things around the house that I need to do.

I have amazing family. My boys are the most amazing little men. They are so smart (take after their Daddy) and conscientious (take after their Mama). My husband is my best friend and I love him so much. Thank goodness he makes me laugh and his generosity is both a gift and a reminder.

When I grow up, I want to be like my Mom and Dad. I still lean so heavily upon them and I am pretty sure it's their turn to return the favor. I love them so much. My Dad has given me his desire and will to accomplish anything I put my hand to. My Mom's servant heart is a rare gift - she uses it liberally.

My brother is still someone I admire and enjoy. His wife is like my sister and his kids are precious. They make me laugh and give me joy.

I have been blessed to have in-laws that do not follow the typical stereotype. My father-in-law and mother-in-law are so easy and helpful. I love how they come along side and seem to know where that line is to back off.

My husband's sister is also like a sister to me and her husband and family are awesome. My sadness is we just don't get to see them as much as we would like.

My Father in law would baby sit my twin baby boys. By himself - before he married. This never ceases to impress me.

My mother in law is actually my husband's step mother. She was best friends with my husbands mom. His mom passed away 15 years ago...just a couple of weeks after he and I got engaged. A couple of years later my father-in-law started dating my present mother-in-law and it is pretty obvious this was a unique situation. She is a blessing and we love her and her kids - who are absolutely like brother and sister to us as well.

I came from a baptist background. Huge church - lots of programs and I loved every minute of it. I was just about as involved as you could get. I worked there in both the youth ministry and the music ministry. It was awesome. When I moved to Birmingham to date my husband, he went to a much smaller church - a presbyterian church. Close to the exact opposite of where I attended church in Mobile. Conservative, and the music was traditional - there was no clapping...at all. Raising of the hands was shocking and tended to be frowned upon. So - at first - I was a bit lost - miserable at times. I actually did not understand the background of the presbyterian church (or church history at all) and was blessed to get into a Sunday School class where I learned. It was fascinating. I also learned what it was like to be a new-comer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Took me close to 2 years to assimilate into my present church. I have been there 16 years now and feel very much at home and blessed by my church home.

What I have found is:

It does not take being "like" others to feel a part of the family of God. If I am not feeling the fellowship - it is more than likely me and not others that is the cause.

I do not have to be part of the music and planning to enjoy what others have done. At first, I let it hurt my feelings. But what I have learned is there is a time for me to step back and let others do. I have tried to take part - but this is the wonderful thing - it is apparently not God's timing for me. I have learned to be content.

It is up to me to seek the lost and the hurting - does not have to be part of the church program.

I can worship in this place with people that are every bit as dear to me as those that I worshipped with my previous church- the place I considered my "ideal".

My friends have come from surprising and even unlikely places. I have learned that the written word and phone calls can knit the heart together as easily as meeting face to face (this can be both a blessing and dangerous).

God has been good to me. He has seen that who I need is there when I need them. He has continued to have his hand heavy on my life, even though I have tried to ignore and shrug him off - repeatedly.

He has delivered me from a job that started out to be the most fun and turned into one of the heaviest burdens I have carried in quite some time. I am waiting in anticipation for His next provision for me and my family. It is quite the adventure!

My heart is full. In spite of all the things I would love to whine about and the misery I would love to waller in...it is hard to. I am a rich woman. I have everything I need....

I think 2012 will be an amazing year!

Misery to obtain obedience?

2011-12-27T07:39:00.001-06:00

It's a parental tactic. When the boys are finding their happiness in pestering each other, or telling me they are bored - there are things I can do to make them unhappy and want to stop the behavior that is not helping anyone. I can make them walk around serving that brother they pestered and made scream all morning. Or I can get them busy doing things they hate doing - like cleaning sinks and toilets. Putting them in a state of misery causes them to rethink their actions. It's a good thing. And what is really great is, when they know you are good as your word, they will remember that they would much rather find something more useful with their time than complaining or pestering. And it works great - when I do it.

How do I know this?

My heavenly Father does it to me. And it works like a charm....eventually.

Think of the people of Israel. They delayed God's true vision for them by 40 years while he allowed them to suffer in the wilderness. (see Deut. 1). He got mad at them. Fed up with their whining and lack of trust. Seems so familiar.

Thankfully my time in the wilderness has been a wee bit shorter than that. But I see what he is trying to do.

Well over a year ago, I had a vision for my writing, for my artwork and crafts, for my singing, for helping others. I stepped out and gave it a shot...it was half hearted and I got the wheels rolling. But I got lazy. It was easier to look to others to provide employment for me. I did not have to be proactive. I could just do what they told me.

So - I floundered when I took on a job that seemed to be an answer to prayer. I didn't even really apply for it. I called the manager and she put me to work within a couple of days. It turned out to be one of those things I wish I had never done. While I was in that job, I was made miserable. I longed for the days when I was teaching the children, taking care of my own children and serving my husband. My goals were hard to see, my mission to serve totally left at the wayside. All I could put my hand to was what I had to do to keep the job and the bare minimum of taking care of my family. There was no joy in that. I was drained. I was anxious. I was in misery. Depression and listlessness became my constant companions.

This is NOT what God wanted for me. And yet - I am quite sure he allowed me to go there so I could learn.

And he has given me a prophet in my pastor. He will speak truth to me from the pulpit and my heart will quicken when it feels he is talking directly to me. We do not step out to do great things for GOD. We doubt his ability to see our efforts are multiplied to point to him and give him glory. I think it is all up to me. I am so obtuse.

So today - free from the burden of that job - I step out once again. I am committing myself to prayer and seeking. Asking God to give me direction and to make the path clear to me. My goals are: To serve my master, to provide for my family while seeing to their needs. To find my peace and joy in the gifts and talents God has given me. To glorify him in all I say and do.

I will not belittle myself. I will not scoff at things that seem too high to obtain. I will be diligent and not grow weary, but keep God's word as my encouragement and nourishment to grow more like my heavenly Father - so that I can do and complete the work he has set before me. I can be whatever the body of Christ needs for me to be to complete the work in JOY that he would have me do.

Ephesians 4

So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Relief

2011-10-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

Last week was a disaster. The more I tried to "handle" the situation, the worse it got. I gave a nod to God and proceeded to handle the situation as I saw fit.

Yeah...that just did NOT work.

Serious disaster. Horrible week. Longing for heaven. Seriously.

But -

I made a bad situation worse. I SAID that I had my head screwed on, and that God was in control. But apparently my need to feel in control and vindicated for my annoyances...was NOT God's best for me. I ate humble pie. And in large doses.

I am not the point. Never have been, never will be.

So I will go back, I will bow my head and praise God for the blessings I count so numerous in my life. My job included. The people I work with VERY much included and praise God - that he loves me enough to cause me to kneel. To understand that this life is not about me. That my day to day situations make me better. Make me stronger and make me more like my merciful and loving Savior.

I...am not wise. I...am not strong....I am not able to finish anything.

But my God can cause me to be wise. He can give me strength. And He can finish the work he has begun in me.

Whenever I get too cocky, I can guarantee that my own "cleverness" will be my downfall. He is to be exalted in all things and success as I see it is not his end goal for me. When I become mean, and start to elbow my way up...I can guarantee you I will fall on my ass. Thank God He loves me enough to give me the relief I truly long for.

It is not up to me. PRAISE GOD!

He is enough. Not this job. Not this house. Not this salary. My sweetness, my efforts, my continuous struggles...will not suffice.

He - my God - and only He. He is sufficient.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What a relief.

Reconciled

2011-10-04T11:25:00.003-05:00

As you know, I love words. Think they are the greatest invention EVER. So I have a new favorite today. Once again I woke up and asked God to help me with my attitude. To be happy, to be humble, to remember that my goals are not the same as everyone elses. That it is okay to reset my own standards and values not to be in line with normal thinking. I actually love that.

But as I was driving to work I allowed myself to wander into the realm of the "unappreciated". Never a good place to go. Does no one any good whatsoever. Yet there I am wallering in it - applying it to traffic for Pete's sake. I got in the right lane to turn as traffic started backing up and every car that zipped past me and put their right blinker on to get ahead of me made me angrier. "It's not fair" kept repeating in my head.

And the next thing out of my mouth was I will just have to reconcile myself to not getting ahead in this life. It's just not going to happen because my standards are different. Something that should be good suddenly sounded bad. My competitive nature (very much a worldly thing) was getting the best of me.

Reconcile.

rec·on·cile /ˈrɛkənˌsaɪl/ Show Spelled [rek-uhn-sahyl] Show IPA verb, -ciled, -cil·ing.

verb (used with object)

1. to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired: He was reconciled to his fate.

2. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.

3. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).

4. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.

5. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).

How funny that this word has such a vast mood swing. Basically the same meaning - but the heart of the word can be placed in two different places. To accept something not desired - resigned. Or to bring into harmony - which sounds infinitely happier to me.

So I have a choice.

This whole thing actually reminded me of Joseph when he was sold into slavery by his brothers. A wicked and horrible happening in the world's eyes. Certainly much worse than what I am presently dealing with in my own life, but never the less...the same thinking can apply. Joseph never gave up. He never turned his back on what he knew to be God's intended use of him. He put his hand to what was before him and he did it well.

If Joseph had allowed the first definition to define his attitude, there would have been a fatalistic sadness that could have caused him to just exist in the situation he was in. But because he accepted his fate with gladness and in doing so became better while in his lowly state. He chose to bring it into agreement with his difficult circumstances. There was harmony in the fact that he knew God had placed him there for a purpose.

Genesis 50:19 - 21
19 But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

What a great attitude. So - today - I will again adjust my attitude to be in harmony with what God has placed before me. And I will do it to the best of my ability.

I am reconciled. But harmoniously - for now. And will probably have to do it all over again tomorrow...

As my pastor says, "Preaching the Gospel to myself" - e-ver-y day.

Fall

2011-10-03T05:58:00.000-05:00

What an amazing weekend. Beautiful weather. Cool nights and temperate days. I got my mums out on the porch and my punkins' put out. My fall wall plaque and flag. The wrought iron Jack O' Lanterns and a stack of apples in a white ruffle bowl on the table.

I love fall. I was looking at the ridge of Oak Mountain and thinking about how these cool nights bring such beautiful color to to it. I can't wait to sit and enjoy the view as I watch my boy play fall ball.

How blessed I am to be able to count these things as the extra happy's that fill my life.

Psalm 16:5-7
5 LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;

you make my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

My heart instructs me that I have much to be thankful for. I am praying for focus and the ability to accomplish all I need to today. Serving the Lord in all I say and do, loving others well and letting go of what I cannot get accomplished.

Happy Fall Friends!

Extensive

2011-09-29T05:54:00.008-05:00

WATCH ME

Last year the 5th grade took a field trip to the Space and Rocket Museum in Huntsville. I was privileged to go. I had in my care 3 boys - one of them being mine. We had a wonderful time looking at the exhibits and enjoying the rides. Then came the IMAX movie. I can't even remember the name of it. But it was about the Hubble Telescope and the images it captures. The information and visuals provided in this movie had tears running down my face. I was overwhelmed with emotion and - joy. God using science to reveal himself.

Now - I know - people of "science" will think that is just hooey - emotional, weak minded folks needing an easy explanation to life's hard questions. But that is not it at all. I have been reading about Dark Matter and Dark Energy and it is quite amazing to hear about how God is showing himself through mysteries. Love it.

When I listen to the numbers - 3000 galaxies - just our neighbors, 100 billion galaxies in our universe of what we know that is 47 Billion Light Years huge, My mind feels like it has particlized. It is blown.

That is how BIG God is. Bank on it.

ruminations

2011-09-28T19:08:00.010-05:00

I love the word "ruminations". Something about it feels permissive to let your thoughts grow and morph until they are sure they are ready to become concrete.

From Merriam-Webster.com:

ru·mi·nate verb \ˈrü-mə-ˌnāt\

ru·mi·nat·ed / ru·mi·nat·ing

Definition of RUMINATE

transitive verb

1: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly

2: to chew repeatedly for an extended period

intransitive verb

1: to chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed : chew the cud

2: to engage in contemplation : reflect

— ru·mi·na·tion \ˌrü-mə-ˈnā-shən\ noun

— ru·mi·na·tive \ˈrü-mə-ˌnā-tiv\ adjective

— ru·mi·na·tive·ly adverb

— ru·mi·na·tor \-ˌnā-tər\ noun

See ruminate defined for English-language learners »

See ruminate defined for kids »

Examples of RUMINATE

The question got us ruminating on the real value of wealth.

He ruminated over the implications of their decision.

Origin of RUMINATE

Latin ruminatus, past participle of ruminari to chew the cud, muse upon, from rumin-, rumen rumen; perhaps akin to Sanskrit romantha act of chewing the cud

First Known Use: 1533

Related to RUMINATE

Synonyms: chew over, cogitate, consider, contemplate, debate, deliberate, entertain, eye, kick around, meditate, mull (over), perpend, pore (over), question, revolve, ponder, study, think (about or over), turn, weigh, wrestle (with)

That is just pure yummy to me.

All of this to say -

A couple of years ago we went on our usual trek to Tennessee. We stopped at a look out at one point because the boys had to go to the bathroom - and we wanted to stretch our legs. On one of the posts, someone had written, "It was always you".

I loved it. Thought it was so romantic sounding. How sweet to stop and look over the beautiful countryside and proceed to deface property. Really though - the sentiment is quite sweet. And from time to time I still ruminate on the where's the why's and the wheretofor's.

But no matter where , why or wheretofor...the phrase is captivating.

"It was always you"

Life is transient at best.
But there is one thing that promises the stability and solidity of such a phrase as "It was always you".

God

He is the one thing that has always been...and always will be. No matter how insecure and screwy my own life becomes. My one touch stone that will always be is God.

Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. PSALM 90:2

Thank goodness there has always been and always will be Sovreign God. And also for the fact that He uses the unlikely things to prove his power.

1 Corinthians 1:27
27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong

I pray he will use me.

I have had the same thought in my head the last couple of days. I am trying so hard not to live according to the world's wisdom and what it offers. I am reminded always that God uses the lowly and the humble to show himself great.

The best I can ever hope for is to be clay pot. Empty and unimpressive until I am filled with the all-surpassing power of God.

2 Corinthians 4:6-8
6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

That - to me - is a pretty amazing thing - especially in this day and age.

Conviction

2011-06-14T16:51:00.000-05:00

I have been frustrated with my situation for quite some time now. I love my job. But the lack of time to do things I consider "ministry" or "service" has brought me low many times. Today - I was reading some things my cousin posted on Facebook. He is a missionary to China. It suddenly hit me that though I have called my job and new status a mission field, I am not living that way. What a waste of my time in the places I have been over the last year.

Also - I have found that I don't think I am "good enough" anymore. Because of my struggle with my faith and my continued frustration with no time to accomplish what I think I need to, I feel like I can't do the things I would like. I find myself saying things like, "If only I could get this house clean", or "If only I could get past [whatever]". And basically - I find I am just a stinker. A mess maker. A goof off. And I like it. This is a problem to be sure.

The fact is, I cannot keep that attitude and expect to ever accomplish anything...

Have I written about this before? I am having a dejavu moment. You know I have been convicted about it - I just didn't act on my conviction apparently.

I do long to make a difference where I am. I love that God convicted me in the middle of my backslide - not just of my sin - but of my ability to serve in spite of my fallen condition.

Truly - it is a sign of God's patience and fatherly love to reach out to me in such a state. I asked him to show himself to me and he did. Again.

My heart overflows.

Now - to get started...

So of course I think I know....

2011-06-09T23:49:00.003-05:00

how to do everything right. My decisions, my understanding, my actions - always right on the money.

Of course not.

It's baseball season. I love baseball season. I love baseball. I love that my boys love baseball.

I am competitive. Very competitive. Way, way, way, WAY too competitive.

When my husband and I were in college we were playing Pictionary and I totally screamed at him and didn't want him to be my partner anymore because he kept calling what I drew a "poodle" when it was clearly a BUFFALO. Another time some friends bankrupted me in Monopoly and I threw my deeds, my scotty dog and my money at them and walked out of the house. I had to go back and say I was sorry. I quit playing games for a long time because of it.

I am working full time now...with a recruiting campaign, and an audit coming up with my boss out of town. I leave there and go directly to baseball practice or game. Feed on the fly, wash baseball uniforms, go to bed for 5 hours, get up and do it all over again.

These are not good combinations. They absolutely mean that the goofball that is me on a good day is going to make an ass of herself somehow, someway. Probably multiple times.

And I did. Other people seem to do as much as I do - they work, they have kids, and manage to be somewhat sane in their actions and reactions. Not me. Always have to embarrass myself somehow...

So my 11YO's baseball team loses. The kids actually play pretty good. But there were a couple of bad decisions. We started out playing well and threw the game away. It made me mad. Really mad.

I felt it coming on. And instead of stopping the downward spiral I wallered in it. WALLERED IN IT. I stomped off after the game so I could compose myself. But not before muttering under my breath (maybe not so much under my breath). I did come back after taking some deep breaths - but I was embarrassed. But it gets more embarrassing.

I am talking to a friend later and he says something about my blog and how cathartic it must be - or something like that - he says I can go home and write down my feelings and delete it - and I am immediately so very, very sorry for my behavior. Not just because I totally got put in my place (whether he meant to do that or not), but because I knew I was going there and I just didn't want to stop it. I wanted to get mad. I wanted people to know it and I indulged. And I allowed myself to forget who I represent. Certainly not me. If it was just me - no biggy.

I write about stuff - mostly about me and God. Goodness knows I am not perfect...if he wanted a perfect child - he would not have created me to be sure. But because I love God and want to please him...I should try harder to find that internal fortitude to be a better sport.

Good grief - I hope I will become someone I would like to be some day. Wise, gracious, kind - self controlled. But at this rate...it ain't going to be any time soon.

Quite honestly I feel further away than I have in a long, long time. Not sure how to fix it...but God help me try.

2 Two Dollar Bills

2011-03-28T05:54:00.008-05:00

I had to take the boys to a birthday party yesterday. I had an extra little boy along for the ride. I threw all of my things into my purse and went and grabbed my wallet from my baseball bag and threw some things out of the car to allow my fourth child to get in. We were running late as is the norm and I frantically got the boys in the car and headed to the party. The low fuel light was on - but I was sure it was because we had been parked outside of the garage and it was on a hill. I would get gas on my way back.

I drop the boys off and the gas light has gone off so I decide to wait so I can get back to the house and get some things done before I had to go pick them up again. I get home and do a few things and it seems like no time before I had to get into the car and go get the boys. Half way there - the light comes on again. No biggy, I will just go get them and stop at the gas station on my way back. So, with all four of the boys safely in the car, I stop at the gas station. I grab my purse and start rifling through it to grab my wallet. It's not there. I look again. And again. And again.

I am looking at the gauge and it shows it is BELOW the little line - we are most definitely in the fumes range. I grab the manual to see how much gas is in that reserve - the manual says to go straight to the gas station when the low fuel light comes on. So I have a horrible feeling...I am at the gas station, with no wallet and four boys and wondering who I am going to call to come bring me money. I am praying to the Lord - "Please let me have just missed the wallet" - so I make another perusal of the whole car. And the purse...still - no wallet. "Please Lord - what am I going to do?" As I am grabbing the manual to put it back into the glove box, I see money - in the back of the manual - there are 2 $2 bills. Where did those come from? Why do I have them in the manual? Should I use them? I feel quite sure they were a gift for the twins - and who knows when they got put in there? We have had this car for 11 years...so there is no telling when my typical befuddled state I put them in there - or why I put them in there. But right now - they were an answer from the Lord. I took my $4 into the gas station and paid. Went back and put 1.17 gallons of gas into the car. The light was gone. As I drove home I told the boys how good the Lord was that he had allowed those 2 $2 bills to be in there. God's provision was a happy little reminder of how much he cares for us. I got the little boy home - told his mom about it and we both agreed how good God is. I went home and started looking for my wallet.

I could not find it. I retraced my steps. At first pretty calm. The more I looked in all of the places I had been the more frantic I became. I started to panic and pray to the Lord again. "PLEASE LORD" I cry desperately, "...don't let me have put that wallet on top of that car and have driven off. Don't let it be on Highway 280 somewhere being run over again and again." I sit down. I put my head in my hands. And I pray again.

I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I look at the phone - I check the phone messages, hoping someone had found it and called me. Nope. Then I get up and make one more calm and consistent search - retracing in my head exactly what I did and how I did it. I walked over to the washing machine and dryer downstairs and see a pile of jackets I had pulled from the car and dropped next to the machine. Peeking out from under one of the jackets was my wallet.

When I had grabbed my wallet from my baseball bag, I had kept it in my hand as I went to remove the excess stuff from the car. I got the gift card out of my hand and for some reason kept my wallet along with the jackets and miscellaneous items I was getting out of the way. And in my hurry, I dropped my wallet along with the clothes onto the floor next to the washer.

Praise the Lord. Seriously. And I could not STOP crying. I kept thanking the Lord - over and over again. How good are you Lord? Because seriously - in my harried and wacked out brain mode - there is a very good possibility it could have been placed on top of the car and I would have had to call all those places - and remember what all was in that wallet...yikes.

Though honestly - the wallet - though I was freaked out - it is not what amazes me the most. The mystery of the 2 $2 bills is what makes my heart expand.
Zechariah 4:10
“Who dares despise the day of small things, since the seven eyes of the LORD that range throughout the earth will rejoice when they see the chosen capstone (or the plumbline) in the hand of Zerubbabel?”

Zechariah 4:10 says an amazing thing. As a background - the people of Israel are rebuilding the tempel. Zerubbabel is the first leader after the exile from captivity. The vision of Zechariah was to encourage Zerubbabel in his work to complete the temple. He had tried in vain for 16 years to get it completed and Zechariah's dream was to let him know that God saw him. That his eyes (7 meaning "perfect" or complete) range through the earth and SAW his needs. God was aware of what Zerubbabel needed and wanted to encourage him to keep on with the work of the Lord. He sees all things and there is nothing that escapes the eye of the Lord...even my tiny problems.

Now of course - I know that my finding those $2 bills is a simple thing. But to me - it was no accident. I reached for the manual out of a need to find out how much gas I had left in hopes to get those kids back to a place where we were not waiting on the side of the road. But God didn't just have information for me - he had provision. He was aware of my need and he provided for it.

AND he let that wallet be in a wonderful place. On the floor of my laundry.

Awesome. Our God is an AWESOME God.

God is so good...

2011-03-24T05:43:00.000-05:00

Once again - I don't know why I am surprised but he brings what I need to hear right when I need to hear it. It has been a great week in spite of my struggle with my dip this time. And I know it is because my Father is carrying me. But I have made such an effort to turn my eyes away from me and to Him. His reward is always a physical reminder that he cares - some way - some how. I read this in my David Jeremiah devotional for yesterday....

Wednesday, March 23

Calm and Quiet

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.

Psalm 131:2

Recommended Reading

Psalm 23:1-3

According to medical researchers at Duke University, there is a "vicious cycle" involving insomnia, anxiety, and depression.* It's sort of a "which came first: the chicken or the egg?" scenario. Perhaps it's the one that presents first, but once the cycle starts it doesn't matter. Anxiety might cause insomnia, which might result in depression, which might lead to greater anxiety ...and the cycle continues as the symptoms feed off one another.

There are plenty of good reasons to be anxious, depressed, and sleepless in today's world. But Christians have promises from God that should alleviate all three symptoms--promises that God rules over all the earth and knows the beginning from the end of history. Our task is to do what the psalmist David did: He didn't worry about "great matters" or things "too profound" for him. Instead, he "calmed and quieted" his soul like a "weaned child" at rest in its mother's lap--peaceful and quiet (Psalm 131:1-2).

God's job is to guide the world. Your job is to "be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6), to rest in the Father's promises.

I have been in this vicious cycle on and off for over a year now. It is good to know that I am not just making it all up...sometimes I feel that I do! But I will have to preach the Gospel to myself - everyday. How good is God that he reminds me that I need him!

I am truly blessed.

I am weary...

2011-03-22T05:48:00.001-05:00

Matthew 11:27-29 (New International Version, ©2011)
27 “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Hebrews 12:2-4 (New International Version, ©2011)
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Isaiah 40: (New International Version, ©2011)
28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

1 Timothy 6:11-13 (New International Version, ©2011)
Final Charge to Timothy
11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 13 In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

I am tired. I want all of this to be over. Fighting is hard. There is no way I can get up every morning and do what I am supposed to do. It is going to take someone other than me. Lord - you must be my help this day and every day.

Give me Strength..increase my power to overcome. Let me have victory over my tired mind, body and soul.

St. Paddy's Day

2011-03-19T10:49:00.004-05:00

St. Patrick's Day is usually a non-event in our house. We might wear green to avoid being pinched - but other than that - nothing. This year I was inspired by friends to try some new things. I thought it would be fun to make an event of it. So - I made Colcannon - I will post the recipe for you. It is mashed potatoes with lots of butter and cabbage and ham (corned beef would have been even better) - It was delicious. We had brown bread with it (I bought it - thought about making it like another friend - but just didn't have the gumption) and I did some research on St. Patrick and read it to the boys. It was really quite interesting. And it made the day a lot of fun. It helped that it was during Spring Break and the boys were home. And what made it especially fun was that Grandmother and Papa were with us (my mom and dad)...adding to the festivities.

Here's the link about St. Patrick http://www.history.com/topics/who-was-saint-patrick

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tylers-ultimate/colcannon-recipe/index.html

I think I am going to try harder to make special days of non-event days. It was really fun and not really that much work at all. It added something to a day that would have otherwise been just another day for us.

I guess the saying is true - you get out of something what you put into it...in this case even the slightest effort made for a fun day!

Worship...

2011-03-03T20:10:00.000-06:00

I sent the boys off to baseball practice. Me and the doggies stayed home. I was thinking about vacuuming and dusting. Thought I might mop the kitchen floor. But - I had to check Facebook and see what my buds were up to...

I managed to stumble across "The Dad Life" by COTM. Here it is for you...

Andy Chrisman is the worship leader there. So it stands to reason that his singles were popping up as well as 4Him vids.

I just got lost -

One after the other - I listened and had the best time worshipping.
So what if the house is still a mess...

Spiritual Boot Camp...

2011-02-16T22:12:00.001-06:00

The fact is - this life keeps delivering trouble as promised. My first reaction - EVERY time - is defeat...I have to take time to size up all of the hooey happenings and then I react in faith.

I hate to say it - but maybe God has got me in boot camp. Maybe he keeps giving me chances to react correctly FIRST and I keep missing the mark. So he brings around the opportunity again. To be honest - I want my first reaction to be wonder. Wonder at what God is doing that will bring the next blessing.

This is how I wish it had happened yesterday:

Man from car place: "Mrs. Smith?"

Me: "Yes?"

Man from the car place: "Your car is going to cost $2000 to repair and we don't think we can find the parts for it since Oldsmobile is no longer in business."

Me: Awesome! No problem...I will come pick it up first thing in the morning and I can't wait to see what's going to happen next! God is going to use this in some way - what an adventure!"

But no, I had the quivery voice and the what are we going to do thing wailing in my head.

We are not going to do anything. God is though.

So - my prayer for the next thing is - Please Lord - let me react in faith, in expectation of a work you are doing whether physically, spiritually - mentally - whatever. I want to be ready for whatever - good or bad - by proving my faith is sound in God's ability to bring me through any situation.

Proverbs 24:16
16 for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.

I will not be one of the wicked that falls when bad things happen.

But I will -

James 1:
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Lord give me presence of mind and strengthen me through your HolySpirit to do this and do it well.

Pinwheels

2011-02-16T05:37:00.005-06:00

So my next fun project has been pinwheels. I made puppets and pinwheels for all of my friends babies for the twins first birthday party. I don't know why. I just did. They were actually pretty cute. It was a lot of fun - but of course the twinks didn't remember it at all. I have determined that those 1 year old birthday parties are for the parents...I used longer dowel rods which worked better than these pinwheels I make from pencils...but I like the idea of being able to use the pencil once your tired of the pinwheel. If you make your square smaller - it will be fine. You will need: Scissors, Construction paper (oragami paper works too and has pretty designs) Markers, Pencil (brand new not sharpened) Straight pins, beads, needle nose plyers/wire cutters.

Cut a square

Cut Diagonal from each corner to about 2 inches from the middle

Decorate the edges - It can just be simple...

Take one corner and bring it up to the middle for all four sections...

Secure in the middle with a straight pin...

Put a bead for a spacer on the backside of the pinwheel...

Stick the pin through the eraser part of the pencil. Then you will want to take your needle nose plyers/wire cutters, and clip that end off - make sure you leave plenty of room for the pinwheel to be able to go around...just clip off the sharp point (IMPORTANT: do this inside a box so that the end won't flip into the air and onto the floor so that you can't find it and then finally do - at a later date - in a bare foot )

And there you have your happy, little pinwheel! Easy to do and a lot of fun! And REALLY cute...

The Decision

2011-02-12T07:19:00.003-06:00

It happens every day. Every moment of every day. We make decisions to move forward and do what we need to. To get out of the bed and get about our work. To eat that piece of candy or not to (especially around Valentines - we KNOW we are going to have to put on that bathing suit in a few months - but it's CHOCOLATE...) So we make the decision...probably hundreds a day.

The decisions I make can either bless or curse me. Some blessings are easy and fairly mild - some have a bigger effect and can be exciting. Same with the curse... it can be shrugged off or it can crush.

Every once in a while I have to make a decision. I used to think I did not have control over this decision. I thought it just happened to me and that I had to work through it and do the best that I could in the circumstances. I am starting to believe that I was wrong.

There have been times where I was overwhelmed and would fall into a depression. Meaning I would go to bed and stay there. For days. I could not cope with whatever was at hand. I simply threw up my hands and gave in to the idea that whatever was going on was more than I could handle and I would retreat from life. My excuse was a generic "I don't feel well". My husband pegged it many times but I ignored him and stayed there in the bed until I felt I could re-engage.

I have since come to the conclusion that I made a decision to give in to my depression. Do I think this is what happens to everyone who has this problem? I cannot speak for them. I know there are chemical imbalances that cause problems for people - but in my case - it is absolutely a decision I make. Knowing my personality as I do - the manic part of me is happy and industrious and when something comes along and tears down my house of cards I hit the skids and fall into the abyss. It's a personality thing. But I don't think I have to fall into the abyss.

My example: Last week we closed on the refinancing of our house. It gave us two months to use the mortgage for whatever we chose to. I was so excited, because it was going to relieve my heart and mind on things we needed to do that had just been hanging over me for months. So when smoke started billowing into the van yesterday at lunch - yes - I said IN THE VAN - and out from under the hood....I was so sad. I cried. My plans had been thwarted and as I made dinner last night I HEARD MYSELF SAY (of course it was in my head) "I don't know why I even try". I went to bed at 9:00PM with no intention of getting up again the next day. My spirit was tired. My heart was heavy. I made a decision to give in. I had a passing moment of "God may be using this...", but at that point I just wanted to sleep.

In the early dawn hours as I laid awake listening to Biscuit hum in her sleep, I realized that I could make the decision to trust God. To tell him my fears. To place this burden of the van on him (because that van is also a blessing) and trust that he would get us through this. At least we had the extra money to pay for whatever the problem is. And honestly - I had transportation. My mother-in-law called and told me I could use the truck. Which is a blessing - because I could use it to haul some stuff to Hannah Home and such...so really - there was no reason for me to be sad, or overcome by that spirit of depression. Though I wanted to. So, I asked God to help me be strong, to trust him in this situation and to help me to do what he needed me to do in this day. I rolled out of bed and moved forward. I decided I wanted to write it down because I need to be held accountable in this.

I remember reading in My Utmost For His Highest many years ago something that has stuck with me - I found it online (what a treasure!) http://www.myutmost.org/04/0416.html
"....don't say - "I'll do it"; do it! Take yourself by the scruff of the neck and shake off your incarnate laziness. Laziness is always seen in cravings for the high hour; we talk about working up to a time on the mount. We have to learn to live in the grey day according to what we saw on the mount."

I thought of this in the wee hours and feel it fits this situation amazingly well. So - I am "taking myself by the scruff of the neck and shaking off" - in this case - my incarnate selfishness. I will learn to live in the gray day according to the vision God has given me in the moment of enlightenment.

So this day I am making the decision not to do what the people of Israel did in Jeremiah 7:
....22 For when I brought your ancestors out of Egypt and spoke to them, I did not just give them commands about burnt offerings and sacrifices, 23 but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in obedience to all I command you, that it may go well with you. 24 But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward.

I decided to walk in the Spirit. To wake up and to heed God's prompting to trust him in this. To live in joy this day for my salvation is sure and I have everything I need. My children have everything they need. It is wrong of me to want to give up for such a little thing...but so easy to do.

But God's gift of the Word...
Galations 5
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

God is good. Once again - I am satisfied. The decision to trust God instead of giving in is a blessed one. If something goes against my plans again - and it will - I pray that I continue to make the decision to look to God rather than giving in to my own selfish indulgences. It is useless. I would much rather walk with the Spirit and have my time here accomplish something...giving in to self pity is worthless. Praise God that he has given me a way out...

Kicking and Screaming or Gracefully....

2011-02-06T07:33:00.005-06:00

I don't know. I go back and forth.

The other day I had my glasses on and happened to be in really good light and looked down at my feet. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Holy cow. I needed a pedicure. In the worst way.

What was appalling was not so much that I couldn't SEE how bad my feet were, but that they were that bad. they never used to be this difficult to maintain. Oh! It makes me angry. And then as I was reminded of something from my past.

I used to do nails and pedicures in college. I worked at a day spa for a friend of mine's mom. It was fun. Sort of - I really sucked at it and never found my groove there. But I LOVED the nail polish and the fella that cut hair there did an amazing job - AND - he was hilarious. That made it all worth while.

One day I was taking care of an older woman's feet. This woman could have been 42 and I would have considered her old at the time. I was 24. I let their feet soak in a vibrating bath for about 10 minutes before I started the pedicure. As I lifted those feet from the bath and saw the task before me - I was horrified. Inside my head was screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But - thankfully I had rubber gloves - like surgeon's gloves - I can do anything in surgeons gloves and I set to get those feet back in pristine condition...in the end...they were a better version of themselves. But dang. They needed that pedicure. And that is putting it nicely.

Now here I am - the old fart - in the same boat. Makes me so mad I could spit nails. I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD. As I did the pedicure I was thinking, "this can never happen again - I will never let my feet go like that EVER again. I will fight against the effects of time with every fiber of my being. I WILL continue to color my hair and use ROC with retinol to reduce the signs of aging. I will tan those legs to disguise the spider veins and vericose veins that occured during the child bearing years."

Well - it's just exhausting. It truly an uphill battle!

But then there are these amazing moments of clarity and peace - where I actually feel that I am finally embracing the idea of where I am right now. The fact that I am in fact becoming older. I am by no means old. Though I lack the freshness of my 20's - even my 30's - there is a sage wisdom (not in huge amounts mind you) that I have gained over the years that I didn't have then. I think there will come a point where I cross over totally - and become totally okay with my older skin and worn feet. As long as my heart stays young and tender - I think I will - eventually - grow old gracefully. And this makes me smile.

He says not to....but I still do...I am SO like my kids.

2011-02-02T06:02:00.002-06:00

But many people do apparently. I looked up the phrase "How many times does the Bible say Do Not Fear?" What was amazing was not just the varied answers (several said 365 times - 1 for each day of the year) but how many other people were looking for that same answer. Whether the 365 times is true or not....

We are afraid. We want comfort - so we are Googling it.

I was actually just trying to get a grip on why we fear, and why God felt he needed to reassure us as much as he does. Because - I am afraid. There are days where I don't even really know what I am afraid of. My head and my heart are telling me there is nothing to fear, and yet there is a faint aroma of fear that lingers...yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up unsettled. Did my Bible reading and devotional, went to work, came home, cooked dinner cleaned up and felt this haunting - All. Day. Long.

I listened to the news yesterday morning for the first time in a very long time - it was scary. With Egypt in chaos and now Jordan - I was immediately assaulted with fear. We close on the refinancing of our house next week. I am scared. Something might go wrong, what if it is more than we think, should we ave done this in the first place? Then there was some really nasty, rainy weather, I was a nervous wreck all the way home. Physically exhausted when I got home from the tight gripping of the wheel and tense defensive driving I had to do in that 5:00 rush hour. Yuck. What punctuated it all was when I was tucking my youngest into bed and he told me he was scared. I asked him of what and he said he was scared a robber was going to come into our house. I reassured him the best I could...but at that time, I did not even give him the best reassurance I could have. My own perplexity at my fear had me spouting common sensical phrases that seemed to work at the time and I threw out - God will take care of us. I know he will and yet - I still struggled so much yesterday. How can I relate this to my child?

I looked up the phrase "do not be afraid" on Biblegateway.com. I have not had time to research it all but it is said over and over and over again.

John 14 is when Jesus is preparing his disciples for his leaving. In the chapter before he has predicted Judas' betraying and told his beloved Peter that he would deny him three times (out of fear). So now he is laying down his words of comfort for the men who followed him more closely than anyone else while he had his ministry here on earth.

John 14
25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Peace I leave with you - Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. What wonderful phrases. And our Advocate - the Holy Spirit will teach and remind when needed of all these things Jesus said. He left us with The Comforter. The believer's own baby blanket. When things are scary - we need to remember we have The Comforter.

I am well acquainted with fear. 2009 and 2010 brought things that I feared very much. There are other things that are even scarier to me. I think the fact that I saw some of my top 10 fears come to pass causes that fear to try to settle and become a part of my existence. BUT - what I also saw in the midst of those scary things is how God brought us through. How he held us up. And how we are still here and thriving - even happily in spite of the scary things....and it bears me up.

In John 16 - Jesus is still trying to comfort his disciples and prepare them for his death - I believe strongly that he left these words with his disciples and that they penned them because he wanted us - also his disciples - to have these same comforting words.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I love this verse. First of all because God is warning us that this world is going to be trouble. We see it every day. But he reassures us of his peace - we CAN have it. In the midst of the trouble - he is promising us peace and that we have a sure hope - in the fact that HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD (and its trouble).

Wow.

Read 2 Corinthians 5:4-21
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2 Corinthians+5:4-&version=NIV

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle....

2011-02-01T05:33:00.002-06:00

So I have all these containers....It seemed a waste not to use them in some capacity. My mom taught me a long time ago how to do paper mache'. I wish I had a picture of my light switch...because it was adorable. Little pink rosebuds on a vine with leaves...anyway - I set off to follow a great example...

I took my glue and watered it down and cut up strips of paper...

Covered my Laughing Cow cheese wheel container with them, made little balls for feet...

Wrapped the wet paper around a tooth pick...

So it looked like this:

Glued the flower to the top....and added the string for a vine.....

To be continued......

This Ain't a Man Cave...

2011-01-30T15:22:00.007-06:00

The past few weeks I have worked very hard to turn my living room - a place that is often a wasted space - into a place that is my space. A place for me to read, to sit and drink tea with friends and a place to escape testosterone when it becomes too much for me. It happens. I don't mind testosterone as a rule...just need to escape it every once in a while.

We have a den. It has a huge television and the Wii and X-Box with a nice big couch and leather chair and ottoman. It is named correctly - a den. For the men. I do not mind the men coming into my more feminine space - as long as they understand that they are on my turf. And if there is a chick flick on my more sensible sized telly - they should LEAVE IT ALONE. I'm just sayin'.

What I love about my little room is that there are things that are special to me. My piano, the chairs my Mom and I refinished together (still not quite done). The corner cabinet and pitcher and ewer that were my grandmother's, my desk when I was a little girl. My husbands grandparents 100 year old table, a rocking chair I finished for him before we were married, my framed cathedral quilt squares my childhood neighbor taught me to make that I framed, or the picture my 9th grade Sunday School teacher painted for me when I had the twins, an antique library table I found for a steal at a garage sale as well as my antique baby bed side rail I use for my magazine rack. My boys pictures and silhouettes and even a book case that was mine in college, given to me from my boss when I worked at Blue Cross and Blue Shield. It was the boys bedside table for years. I recouped it and it has all the things they wrote on it - I decided I liked it too much with their scribblings from years gone by than I would if I wiped it all out and refinished it. Everything in the room makes me smile when I think about the story behind it.

I think that is the way a house should be decorated. Not with just pretty stuff. But stuff that means something to you. That moves you in some way. When I sit in my little living room I am truly at home. I think every mama should have such a place.

My reading...what a blessing.

2011-01-25T05:45:00.000-06:00

http://www.davidjeremiah.org/

My husband and I have been dealing with money issues - the lack thereof to be specific. Since he lost his job last year, we have been put in a position of "monetary constriction". It has been scary at times but overall freeing. I have seen how God takes care of us when we trust him. I have seen him keep me closer. Charles Stanley was saying one of the biggest blessings of hardships is that it keeps us dependent on our heavenly Father.

So when I read this this morning, I had to share it. I love the picture it presents and the idea that our "open" hands not only allow us to give - but receive. A great read to start out my Tuesday!

Open Hands

And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive."

Acts 20:35b

Recommended Reading

2 Cor. 9:10-11

Try this object lesson with a child. Have him hold out both hands, palms open, and put a nickel in each palm. Tell him to close his fists tight and keep them closed no matter what you say. Now tell him you're very poor and need some money. Can you have his two coins? No--he's holding them tightly. Then tell him you're very rich and would like to give him two quarters to replace his two nickels. Can you replace his nickels with quarters? No--he's still holding tight.

Even a child can see what adults sometimes fail to recognize: A closed hand misses two blessings in life. A closed hand cannot enjoy the blessing of giving to others who are in need, nor can a closed hand receive blessings God may want to bestow. The best posture in life is to live with open hands and to view ourselves as channels of God's blessings. He gives to us not only to meet our needs, but to give us the opportunity to learn to give as Christ gave--fully, generously, and unconditionally.

Prayerfully hold out both open hands in front of you and present them to the Lord for Him to take from them or give to them as He pleases.

Our heavenly father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.

George Muller

Now..... WHO's hard to love?

2011-01-24T06:02:00.006-06:00

I live my life most days like it is mine. Like my husband and children are duties along with all of the other things I "have" to do. Thankfully I enjoy them. It is a blessing that just is - I love people. People are amazing. Especially my family - and for the most part God has given me the ability to love genuinely and with little effort, most people. Of course there are a couple that come along that are hard to love. I can say that because I am one of those people that make it tough. I believe that I am a difficult friend. So when my counterparts come along - it throws me. I see myself in them and I do not like them. I can love them. I can understand them. But - wow - it's hard to love them well.

I would say in the past year, God has given me a true glimpse at who I am. It has changed my perspective. Little by little I see things that I did not see before. I am not a lovely person. This was a gift given to me by God. And I know it sounds bizarre, but the gift is, finally understanding that there is no good thing in me - apart from God.
What is so great about this gift is - it gives me humility- and it is hard to look down on others when I see how very sorry I am. It has allowed me to see that my standard for my friends is high. Very high. I was a slave to that standard myself. And I expected it of my friends. So - when they failed me - I pulled away. Not in a "I am mad at you and never speaking to you again" way. It was a very subtle withholding of my love from them. I did not call. I did not fellowship.

What an egotistical, and nauseating way to live my life. God has called me to a much more satisfying and blessed life than that. I never saw it. I thought I was the best friend EVER. I would have bent over backwards for these folks. And when they failed me, when my standards were not met, I felt betrayed - BY THEM. So in my hurt - I distanced myself. I did this when I was younger as well. But it was not so subtle. It was the ever so clever "You are not my friend anymore" said directly to the face. And I meant it. So - as I got a little older, I saw the error of my ways and fixed what I thought my problem was. You cannot give up on your friends. So I stayed friends with them. I just quit investing myself emotionally into them. Because it hurt when I was let down. See? No change really. Just more of the same. Me. Controlling "my" life. And that is not friendship. Nor is it what God has called me to do.

So - when God gave me a glimpse of myself. I was grossed out. Truly repelled by who I was when I tried to take control. My instincts, my attitude, my abilities - mean nothing when they are not sifted through the loving and capable hands of my heavenly Father - WHO has made me in HIS image. And has given me gifts that will serve me well as the daughter of a King. And there is the dicotomy again - I am unlovely on my own - but made in the image of Christ - apart from him - I am nothing. With him I am lovely.

The gift of humility that was given also gave me a genuine gratitude. God loves me - in spite of my unlovableness. As I am. Oh - he sees the ugly alright. And he loves me anyway. Amazing. I saw how I stomped across people in my desire to be noticed and thought well of - he saw that too and was so sad. I saw how my pursuits each day were for myself alone. My closet narcissim knew no bounds: the meals I made and took to people - the Sunday School class I taught - when I would sing. It was to glorify myself. To make me feel better about who I was.

When all along, I was so much more than I realized. I still struggle with my selfishness. I forget how ugly I really am. But still God opens my eyes every so often, he still gives me those glimpses and it brings me up short. When I see these things about myself...my loving, heavenly Father opens his arms and bids me come to him - and I do. I linger there...I see the gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and faithfulness. The freedom to live as his child and to enjoy these gifts in full.

How blessed am I?

I am trying to re-engage. To find the place that God wants me to serve. But for the right reasons. Not to please others so I can feel good about myself. But questioning where would God have me be? It's not easy. I feel that people think that I am doing nothing right now. But I cannot worry about what they think. That is part of that "me monster" (thanks Brian Regan) that I cannot stand to see come out. But I know that he will direct me and that he is using me - in the raising of my children as image bearers of their heavenly Father. And he has given me a vast calling on my daily life, in every person I speak to and every task I put my hand to."Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters" Colossians 3:23

Galatians 5:

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

He's a Wonder...He's the Mighty God!

2011-01-23T19:09:00.002-06:00

To Slog or To SOAR.

2011-01-11T07:43:00.002-06:00

I've been slogging through life again for the past week.

Slogging - transitive verb: To PLOD (one's way) perseveringly especially against difficulty.

I didn't think it was a word. I thought I made it up - it is what I FELT like I was doing. But - there it is - in Webster's online dictionary. Apparently someone else has been slogging too.

It's almost like an onomatopoeia.

Anyway - I have managed to get myself back into a blue streak and have become overwhelmed with my little life. A couple of weeks ago - it was so big and expansive and it was exciting and amazing and then this last week has been plodding. slogging.

Apparently this is my natural tendency. To fly off into the stratosphere and then to plummet to the depths. It's exhausting. But does it have to be? Can I not somehow skip the very lows? Or at least dip a little less lower? Or is this what I have to expect now?

I have also found that there is a direct connection to my lows with sin. And seperation. Which to a Kingdom minded person translates to falling away from Christ. Not in a apostasaic (that one is NOT in the dictionary) way, but in what I have come to find is a natural cycle with me. A drawing near and falling away pattern that I would like to see less of the falling away happen. I trust that it can be done.

I happen to be exhausted by life right now. The getting up and hitting the ground running every day and not stopping until bedtime is too much for me. The continued pressure of feeling the need to redeem the time - making every moment count - wears on me, and I find I hear the whisper of the serpent very well when I get tired. And I am still not doing some of the things that I want to. And because of my dissatisfaction, the serpents voice is loud and clear.

To be honest, there is no simple solution to this. I have backed up and started over in my mind in pretty much every direction I can and I always find myself back to being overwhelmed. But this is me. Trying to fix it. On my own.

I woke up this morning to grab the bull by the horns, to make a plan and to act on it. I carefully routed and re-routed and found that I cannot do it. Not alone.

Is there a simple solution? One that does not end up with me feeling like I am being pinched in that place where all the stress balls up at the base of my neck?
I read Isaiah 40. Apparently my over-whelm-ed-ness is just a sight problem. I am not seeing clearly. I have placed my sights on my circumstances once again. I am not focusing on the hills from whence comes my help.

Once I read Isaiah 40 there was an immediate and physical release of a very real tension on my part. I breathed a sigh of relief. I have a very real God. And my God is BIG. He holds my life and the lives of all in his hands. He is a good God, a loving father, an attentive shepherd. He will give me rest. He will renew my strength so that I will no longer slog - but SOAR. And that is that. How sweet it is!

Isaiah 40

Comfort for God’s People

1 Comfort, comfort my people,

says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,

and proclaim to her

that her hard service has been completed,

that her sin has been paid for,

that she has received from the LORD’s hand

double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one calling:

“In the wilderness prepare

the way for the LORD;

make straight in the desert

a highway for our God.

4 Every valley shall be raised up,

every mountain and hill made low;

the rough ground shall become level,

the rugged places a plain.

5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,

and all people will see it together.

For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”

And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,

and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.

7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,

because the breath of the LORD blows on them.

Surely the people are grass.

8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,

but the word of our God endures forever.”

9 You who bring good news to Zion,

go up on a high mountain.

You who bring good news to Jerusalem,

lift up your voice with a shout,

lift it up, do not be afraid;

say to the towns of Judah,

“Here is your God!”

10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,

and he rules with a mighty arm.

See, his reward is with him,

and his recompense accompanies him.

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms

and carries them close to his heart;

he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,

or weighed the mountains on the scales

and the hills in a balance?

13 Who can fathom the Spirit of the LORD,

or instruct the LORD as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,

and who taught him the right way?

Who was it that taught him knowledge,

or showed him the path of understanding?

15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;

they are regarded as dust on the scales;

he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.

16 Lebanon is not sufficient for altar fires,

nor its animals enough for burnt offerings.

17 Before him all the nations are as nothing;

they are regarded by him as worthless

and less than nothing.

18 With whom, then, will you compare God?

To what image will you liken him?

19 As for an idol, a metalworker casts it,

and a goldsmith overlays it with gold

and fashions silver chains for it.

20 A person too poor to present such an offering

selects wood that will not rot;

they look for a skilled worker

to set up an idol that will not topple.

21 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

Has it not been told you from the beginning?

Have you not understood since the earth was founded?

22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,

and its people are like grasshoppers.

He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,

and spreads them out like a tent to live in.

23 He brings princes to naught

and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.

24 No sooner are they planted,

no sooner are they sown,

no sooner do they take root in the ground,

than he blows on them and they wither,

and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

25 “To whom will you compare me?

Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.

26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:

Who created all these?

He who brings out the starry host one by one

and calls forth each of them by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing.

27 Why do you complain, Jacob?

Why do you say, Israel,

“My way is hidden from the LORD;

my cause is disregarded by my God”?

28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

You Must Read This...I love it - Signs of Life

2011-01-03T06:29:00.002-06:00

http://www.turningpointonline.org/site/R/?i=TT6dhv6WUs6OgEEkBhRtNg..

Pop Stars

You will know them by their fruits...by their fruits you will know them.

Matthew 7:16, 20

Recommended Reading

Matthew 7:15-20

How hot was it last summer? According to the newspapers, it was so hot in the southern United States that a farmer in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, reported that his corn popped on the stalk. A Hardin County farmer also claimed that some of the ears among his rows of corn started popping in the intense heat. He sent photos of the burst kernels to specialists who said such a phenomenon is possible, though rare. Talk about signs of life! Can you imagine walking through a cornfield and hearing popping sounds all around you?

When we walk among the rows of Christians at church, are there any signs of life? When you look in the mirror as the day begins, are there any bursts of joy and claps of praise? When things get hot, is there an explosion of trust in God and kindness toward others?

As followers of Christ, there should be "signs" that we are alive in Him. When Jesus said, "By their fruits you will know them," He was telling us that Christianity must be fruitful. Are you bursting with joy today?

The time is short, and we must not only work while it is day; we must bear fruit while it is the season for fruit.

A. J. Gordon

Casting Crowns - Who am I?

2011-01-01T11:44:00.000-06:00

Starting Over?

2011-01-01T11:39:00.005-06:00

There is something about a new year that causes folks to want to start all over again. Their expectations for the coming year are bright and shiny and hopeful. They are going to lose weight, read more, spend more time with loved ones, work harder to become organized. I absolutely get it. I am usually on that band wagon with all my shiny new expectations as well.

But of course, after a few weeks or months (if I'm lucky) - the shiny is worn off. So the last couple of years, I have more or less backed off on the resolutions. It seems to be setting myself up for failure. This is a defeatest attitude though. It is wrong.

I have determined that this year I will start over every day. I will rise from my bed, bless the Lord and ask for his blessings and start every day new. I somehow like the idea that I can begin again every day - even moment by moment if I need to.

My thinking goes like this: I have a tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up when I have a huge goal and I miss it. Such as dieting - if I have a moment of weakness and eat a brownie that has been offered me, my thinking tends to be - "Well I screwed up", and I eat like a failure the rest of the day - or week. Can't do that. That's flabby behavior. And flabby behavior makes for a flabby body. That carries over to every other thing I put my hand to as well. Work. Home. Play. Kingdom.

I think what excited me today is the idea that I have a chance moment by moment to begin again. I will not be able to see my goals made each year. Not even each day sometimes. But by deciding moment by moment to live faithfully, I expect that I will be further along in a year than I could have ever been by setting my huge list of New Year's Resolutions and doing my normal "give up".

Hebrews 12:1-3 (New International Version, ©2010)

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I do not want to lose heart. I want to run the race faithfully. I am full of hope for this year. I pray that in all things that I will be faithful. That I will set my mind on things above and remember that my steps are moment by moment - and by doing them one at a time that I will indeed see change in myself that resembles my heavenly Father. I want to show hospitality more consistently, to accomplish more in my home, and in my job, I want to love my co-workers better and succeed not only in that but doing my job well. I want to see the creativity God gave me accomplished. I want to love my husband better, and to live more faithfully before my children.

I lay it before you all - that I will be accountable in my endeavors.

I love the idea that when I end my day and wake up to a new day - that I will see God's mercies - every day. Amazing. Encouraging. Blessed.

Lamentations 3:22-24 (New International Version, ©2010)

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

Living at Odds

2010-12-30T06:44:00.004-06:00

I absolutely LOVE reading my devotional each day. I love how when I come down and click on it there in my e-mail that I know something that makes me who I am in Christ will be confirmed. I will be affirmed. I will be encouraged. Encouraged to encourage others and to give from the flood of blessings that come to me from God. How is it I manage to fall away? It puzzles me - but I do, and I will - more than likely - but for now, what a wonderful place to be.

In my reading of David Jeremiah and his e-devotional this morning, for todays blog will be mostly about my thoughts on my reading and ruminations from it, he pointed out that there are many things that are at odds in kingdom living.

"Many things about the kingdom of God seem odd to those who are not its citizens. Kingdom citizens gain by giving, live by dying, and become great by becoming least. But perhaps the greatest oddity in the kingdom of God is when Christians find joy in pain and suffering. There is something unnatural about rejoicing in the midst of trials."
-David Jeremiah

This thrilled me. I literally had goosebumps. If you have read at all of my last year - then you know that I have had a few trials. They were less than some folks but to me they have been horrifying at times, so painful and I have been broken and sad. So sad. But one thing I know about myself is - I am a weenie. I am not made of stern stuff. So my trials would be blips in someone elses life, although I must say some of them were pretty big blows. Anyway - all that to say - I understand about finding joy in pain and suffering. I have it. It has been the oddest thing but I truly love being where I am. I have never depended on my heavenly Father more for my daily bread, for my and my family's needs - both spiritual and physical or for my happiness.

Not only can we find joy in suffering - but I have found that in order to GAIN, we are to GIVE. One more thing that has been impressed upon me. The hoarding and living like we have nothing to offer is wrong. We have plenty to offer. It may not be from a huge house with a man cave ( I admit - I would love a man cave for all the man cubs in my household), BUT it is a warm, sweet little house that has good food and laughter, a lake right down the street for one of life's more enjoyable pass-times (fishing) and a hill for sliding - whether leafy or snowy(HA) - yes - we have hill surfing and I offer it up to those who would like to give it a whirl. We have so much to offer.

David Jeremiah points out that the Bible does not say give thanks FOR everything but to give God thanks IN everything. No matter what we go through we are to thank God for the blessings we do have. To find a grateful heart in the midst of our hardships. God gave me the ability to do so. With every new hardship, I thanked God for what we had. For we are rich. We have much. We are not paupers - spiritually or physically.

And the most important spiritually impressive point being, believers DIE to themselves in order to LIVE life to the fullest. In dying to ourselves we find that we truly live. This is an amazing and liberating find. If one can find a way to understand this wonderful concept (pray for it friends - it will come, and if you are like me understanding will go, then come back again - as long as you keep on - keep on) life will become more full than it could ever be imagined.

I love living a life of paradox. It has been an amazing thing to find that in the midst of all the hard stuff that goes on, there absolutely can be joy.

1 Peter 1:3-7 (New King James Version)
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

Proverbs 30

2010-12-29T07:11:00.001-06:00

Proverbs 30

Sayings of Agur

1 The sayings of Agur son of Jakeh—an inspired utterance.

This man’s utterance to Ithiel:

“I am weary, God,

but I can prevail.

2 Surely I am only a brute, not a man;

I do not have human understanding.

3 I have not learned wisdom,

nor have I attained to the knowledge of the Holy One.

4 Who has gone up to heaven and come down?

Whose hands have gathered up the wind?

Who has wrapped up the waters in a cloak?

Who has established all the ends of the earth?

What is his name, and what is the name of his son?

Surely you know!

5 “Every word of God is flawless;

he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.

6 Do not add to his words,

or he will rebuke you and prove you a liar.

7 “Two things I ask of you, LORD;

do not refuse me before I die:

8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;

give me neither poverty nor riches,

but give me only my daily bread.

9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you

and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’

Or I may become poor and steal,

and so dishonor the name of my God.

10 “Do not slander servants to their master,

or they will curse you, and you will pay for it.

11 “There are those who curse their fathers

and do not bless their mothers;

12 those who are pure in their own eyes

and yet are not cleansed of their filth;

13 those whose eyes are ever so haughty,

whose glances are so disdainful;

14 those whose teeth are swords

and whose jaws are set with knives

to devour the poor from the earth

and the needy from among humankind.

15 “The leech has two daughters.

‘Give! Give!’ they cry.

“There are three things that are never satisfied,

four that never say, ‘Enough!’:

16 the grave, the barren womb,

land, which is never satisfied with water,

and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

17 “The eye that mocks a father,

that scorns an aged mother,

will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley,

will be eaten by the vultures.

18 “There are three things that are too amazing for me,

four that I do not understand:

19 the way of an eagle in the sky,

the way of a snake on a rock,

the way of a ship on the high seas,

and the way of a man with a young woman.

20 “This is the way of an adulterous woman:

She eats and wipes her mouth

and says, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong.’

21 “Under three things the earth trembles,

under four it cannot bear up:

22 a servant who becomes king,

a godless fool who gets plenty to eat,

23 a contemptible woman who gets married,

and a servant who displaces her mistress.

24 “Four things on earth are small,

yet they are extremely wise:

25 Ants are creatures of little strength,

yet they store up their food in the summer;

26 hyraxes are creatures of little power,

yet they make their home in the crags;

27 locusts have no king,

yet they advance together in ranks;

28 a lizard can be caught with the hand,

yet it is found in kings’ palaces.

29 “There are three things that are stately in their stride,

four that move with stately bearing:

30 a lion, mighty among beasts,

who retreats before nothing;

31 a strutting rooster, a he-goat,

and a king secure against revolt.

32 “If you play the fool and exalt yourself,

or if you plan evil, clap your hand over your mouth!

33 For as churning cream produces butter,

and as twisting the nose produces blood,

so stirring up anger produces strife.”

I am amazed at how I seem to connect to Agur. A man from so long ago and yet, I love what he says. I like the randomness of his thought patterns but the truth and simplicity of what he says. My favorite thing he says is:

7 “Two things I ask of you, LORD;

do not refuse me before I die:

8 Keep falsehood and lies far from me;

give me neither poverty nor riches,

but give me only my daily bread.

9 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you

and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’

Or I may become poor and steal,

and so dishonor the name of my God.

It just makes such good sense. And as you know - I am a HUGE fan of common sense, even though at times I do not show it. I pulled this from my devotional from David Jeremiah today and thought it was worth sharing. Especially given the economy and the preparations for a new year.

Here's the link: http://www.davidjeremiah.org/site/magazine.aspx?id=4402
Prov 30 is from yesterday though.

Born to Die

2010-12-23T09:12:00.002-06:00

There is an old song that we used to sing at our Easter Cantata when I was a little girl. It was called Born to Die. Every Christmas, I think of it. The fact is that Christ's whole human existence was based on this plan. Without it - there would be no hope.

The fact is, it blows my mind. I don't understand that kind of sacrifice. Though I am grateful for it. Thank goodness Christmas is about so much more than just pretty lights and presents. I am so very thankful for a selfless love - the Greatest Gift.

We who have heard along with the shepherds, the call of the angels to come and see - we are so very blessed -

10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” Luke 2

This....Means.....War.....

2010-12-17T06:18:00.001-06:00

Okay - so, about 4 weeks ago I realized I was clenching my teeth. Apparently stressed and taking it out on my jaws. I got an abscess. Horrid little thing. Painful. Still, I did what I had to. Had a blessed Thanksgiving and come to find out that abscess is not going to get better and it is in a tooth that already had a root canal so they had to pull it. Absolutely nightmarish experience. I seriously urge you never to have a tooth pulled without being put under. It was so bad. And it hurt afterwards too...for days. But meanwhile the electricity has gone bad in my house (something needs to be replaced), the car broke down, I missed my jury duty and figured it out 2 days later at 8:00pm, and feared contempt of court, one kid got sick, the other got sick, I tripped over the dog and twisted my ankle and then got called today that another child had lice, was leaving to go pick him up from school and fell down a flight of stairs. My knee is as big as a grapefruit and I have bruises up one side and down the other. Then as I was washing all of the bed linens and such after shampooing 3 boys with Rid and combing through their hair with a lice comb, the electricity goes wonky again and I can't get the kids blankets dry. So I have to use all kinds of crazy things to make sure they stay warm.

I kid you not.

It has been one of those months.

I am exhausted, mentally, and physically. The one thing I can be thankful for is that God has shown himself faithful through it all. My family is safe, warm and fed. I have everything that I need. We all have everything that we need. Praise God!

I will say though that I feel like I am under attack. There are moments where I would gladly pull my hair out to distract myself from the events that are going on. One. After. The. Other.

I am so tempted to feel sorry for myself. There are many times when I just list the things in my head and can feel myself about to fall headlong into self pity.

But instead of doing that, I find that I am getting angry. It makes me so mad that all of this is going on. And I am pretty sure I know why. God has finally gotten my attention after a deficit of years and Satan is not happy.

So - this means war. My bruised and battered physical and emotional body is tired - my spiritual being will fight back. By putting on the full armour of God.

The Armor of God - Ephesians 6:

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Isn't that awesome? I have a defense in this time of extreme stress and conflict.

Philippians 2

1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! 9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. 14 Do everything without grumbling or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”[c] Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky 16 as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

These passages are such a comfort to me. When I read them, everything in me seems to take a deep breath and relax. I love the Word of God. And Philippians 2 is the Christmas Story - in a nutshell. God became man - humbled himself to serve and save. If that does not give joy - I don't know what does.

So - I am not taking this lying down. I have put up my dukes and have a sure defense in this time of struggle.

It's actually not a bad place to be. Please pray for us. We need the strength that comes from our brothers and sisters lifting us up to our Father. Let's band together and fight the good fight.

1 Timothy 6:11-12
11 But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

Another Day

2010-12-16T05:44:00.000-06:00

Well - I only woke up at 4:30AM this morning. That was actually not bad at all. It kind of makes me feel like I can be leisurely in my reading and functionality for the day. I like that. It happens so rarely.

Once again I was up and came down to read and was reminded about all of the things I love about being in precarious places. Sounds crazy. But it's true. There is an underlying excitement to see what God will do. Not being able to trace his hand but fully being able to trust his heart (as the old New Song ballad goes) is absolutely thrilling to see unfold. Of course I fall into my ol' doubting Thomas routine quite often. But I love the days that I find the internal fortitude God has placed in my reach and live by it. Amazing! Exciting!

Psalm 1
1 Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers,

2 but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,

and who meditates on his law day and night.

3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither—

whatever they do prospers.

4 Not so the wicked!

They are like chaff

that the wind blows away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,

but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

I love the Psalms. I can pretty much read one chapter every day and find something to apply. And I love to apply. I am not philosophical, or logical - I am a common sense kind of girl. And Psalms just fits the bill.

So today - and every day - I know that God is watching over me - I long to be that person that is planted by the river of waters which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. And I believe that I can trust God to see that it is so.

Now this is a great way to start the day.
Blessings!

Assurance

2010-12-15T05:11:00.003-06:00

I woke up at 3:30AM. Wide awake. Mind going full blast. Number crunching, going over the calendar, figuring how, what, when and why. I berated myself. I wished for a re-do. I talked to God. I asked him ridiculous questions, knowing all the while that his ways are higher than mine and there was no way to understand them. But I needed him to talk to me.

I threw on my Tennessee sweatshirt stumbled over the dogs (again) to get downstairs. And I went to my source. The Word.

I don't know where to go. I just want God to talk to me. So, I go to my devotional. I get it in my e-mail every day. I am thankful for this vehicle of e-mail. When I lack the intentionality to be able to search God's Word on my own. My e-mail devotional always seems to be able to put the finger on the spot. I love that about God. He manages to place what I need before me - in the form of a daily devotional sent through my e-mail - that can instantly give me what I need. A Word from God. Wow.

We are in a trial period. There is no doubt about that. The economy, and circumstances have brought us to a place where every day is walked by faith. We pray for God's protection and I am always reminded of my pastor, Alan, asking God in prayer to show us mercy and do not give us what we deserve, and I and agree wholeheartedly. I read God's amazing gift in words to me - for this day. For this moment.

James 1:2-8

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways

And instantly, my reason for waking is evident. My need for God is filled and I am comforted. I have everything I need for this moment - even more than I asked for. My request for wisdom and to know what to do has been presented to the Lord. I can trust that he heard me - and that he will take care of my need when it comes time. Maybe not in the way I had hoped. But for now - and now is all I need - I am comforted. I can trust that my "now" will have always have the grace that God provides for that moment. It is extremely reassuring.

What is more - how good is God to a sleep deprived woman to send her an e-mail reassuring her that not only is he enough, he is building character and patience in her. Not only does he want her to come before him and ask - he will see that she is made more like him in the process.

I am rich beyond measure.
Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me - bless his name.

T'is the Season for Giving

2010-12-14T06:13:00.001-06:00

I love gifts. So much fun to get a gift and to be able to use it. And it is almost every day this time of year! So much fun. God pointed something out to me today - bear with me as it unravels.

There are three things I am compelled to do, I do it whether I do it for you or just for me.

I sing. I write. I refurbish.

You may not hear me sing, I don't get to do it as much as I would like these days. That does not mean it won't happen. I am just in a season of not publicly singing - oh but I sing. The car. The shower. All around the house. At work. I get busted occasionally at work.

Over the course of the last couple of years I have come to love the ability to blog. Not only do I get to write - I get to PUBLISH it. Do I make money from my grand pen? Nope. But it is very fulfilling to me. I enjoy it immensley. And I have done it long before I started my blog. I have notebooks upon notebooks of my writing. When I go back and read them, I cry, I am embarrassed, I laugh - I am amazed - by God's goodness to me.

Since I have been married, I have started a new thing. I refurbish things. I take the old and make it newer. I will post some pictures of some of my projects. But I have a crawl space full of things I intend to "makeover". I have chairs - one of which I snagged from someone's garbage in Mountain Brook and carried a mile home - while 5 months pregnant with child. I love that chair. I do not think I could get rid of it now for anything. Everytime I look at it, I think - "How in the world did I do that 5 months pregnant?" I have two chairs in my living room my Mom picked up from someones garbage. She got three - we remade two. I love those chairs. She and I re-upholstered them together. I love those chairs. They remind me of my sweet Mom and the gifts I have acquired from her.

All of this to say folks is when I woke up this morning, I was going over my day in my head and letting God know that this day was his and everything in it. I was telling him my heart and I came downstairs to do my reading.

Look at what I read:

Romans 12:3-8

Serve God with Spiritual Gifts

3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith. 4 For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, 5 so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. 6 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; 7 or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; 8 he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.

Here - Paul is relating God's desire for us to use our spiritual gifts to encourage and serve others. I think God wants us to do this with the other gifts he gives us as well. We should use them to serve others, to encourage others, to build others up. If you are sitting on the gifts - spiritiual - or physical - you are not fulfulling God's purpose for your life.

Find your gifts - use your gifts - give your gifts. You will be happier for it. The reason God gave the ultimate gift was for us to have life and have it more abundantly. The key is to use his liberal gifts for his glory!

John 10:9,10
9 I am the door. If anyone enters by me,he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal andkill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Merry Christmas!

For whom the Lord loves he chastens...

2010-12-08T06:01:00.001-06:00

For several months now - there has been housecleaning going on in my spiritual life. I asked God to help me do right, to expose my sin and to make me like him. Every hidden thing has come to light. The things I could not confess out loud he helped me by exposing and I am so repentant. The consequences of my sin are hard. So hard. It is painful and it is weighty and I am having to look to God to help me moment by moment.

This morning in my reading Hebrews 12 encouraged and showed me something else I have asked for countless times. "Lord, show me you love me."

The Discipline of God

3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. 4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. 5 And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

“ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,

Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;

6 For whom the LORD loves He chastens,

And scourges every son whom He receives.”

7 If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? 8 But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. 9 Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. 11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

And though this present life is hard, I pray that God will remind me of his love for me. Through tears of sadness and frustration even, I had to thank God for answering my prayers. He is making me more like him, and he is chastening me - he loves me. What an amazing and wonderful thing to KNOW.

I can only be grateful.

Truly Grateful....

2010-10-23T05:47:00.009-05:00

The other day I was doing my usual wrestling with my baggage. My "baggage" is everything I cannot let go of and gripe about consistently - if not out loud, certainly in my head. I think I was in the middle of "I have given up so much, and deserve better than...", when a picture of who I really am suddenly popped into my mind. It was not pretty. I saw my selfishness - displayed in many relationships, and my rebelliousness, unfortunately seen in every area of my life...I saw the times I was unkind and ungrateful and mean spirited. Apparently, I try to block these things out - because I was pretty shocked at the truly unlovely me.

It occured to me - I have so much more than I deserve. And I meant it - and still mean it. I deserve nothing - less than nothing, and yet God has blessed me with so much. I have a wonderful husband, who makes me laugh, he plays with our boys and he works hard to provide for us. My kids are amazing. They are so smart and such sweet boys. My Mom and Dad are the most precious folks in the world - willing to do so much and tirelessly so at their retirement age. My mother and father-in-law are much like my mother and father. The support and help they give is such a comfort, and our relationship is amazing. My entire family blesses me - both Andy's and mine - they constantly bring me joy. I love my church family - so blessed by them and their encouragement. We have a wonderful home in a great neighborhood, with amazing neighbors. The public schools my boys go to are full of precious people, and wonderful Christians striving to be salt and light in a world of things gone topsy turvy. I have been blessed with sweet friendships from unexpected places. What is more - this list goes on - and on.

How shameful of me to turn so inward that I cannot see the blessings that are all about me everyday. Apparently, it will be something I have to work hard to avoid. Which would be the consistent counting of my blessings -and remembering that very vivid, ugly picture God allowed me to see at the right time. It certainly brought me up short and nipped the complaining - for now. For a little while anyway, I have things in perspective.

Colossians 2:6-8
6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,
7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
8 See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Gathering Together

2010-10-11T08:52:00.005-05:00

A couple of Sundays ago I went to church. I sat and cried and cried the entire time. My heart would wrench at every word my pastor would say at every note and sweet word in the songs we sang. I knew folks could see me. It was impossible to hide the incredible emotion that was flowing out of me that morning.

I did not want to go to church that morning. I did not because I knew I was overwhelmed with my life and I knew I would cry. It did not matter that I could remind myself of how blessed I was. It did not matter that I love my church and the family of God that is there every Sunday.

I simply had hit the wall of how much I could handle and apparently the tears are a way for me to release that pent up emotion I do my best to stamp down. But sometimes - it just will not stay inside.

Monday morning I got a message in my inbox on Facebook from a friend at church who had sat behind me. I asked her if I could print it and she said yes.

It goes like this:

Friend: I was aching to see you feeling so sad this morning. I hope everything will be OK, whatever it is.

Me: Oh sweet friend - thank you! I have been trying to rationalize my emotions all day. I would like to blame it on this extreme diet I am on (Dr supervised), or just being tired, or just the fact that life just seems to get faster and faster. I am trying so hard to count my blessings, but many times I just seem to fall back into being overwhelmed at this place we are in. We are so blessed though! So this just makes me more upset that I am being so goofy!

I know you know how it feels though. Thank you sweet friend. Your reaching out to me means more than you know!

Friend: I've been feeling pretty down lately, too. Every now and then the feeling rolls around and it's pretty strong. Getting up and going to church has been hard for me lately. This sense of being overwhelmed makes me feel like I don't have time for God or the church and I KNOW I need God to get through "this" but I literally don't see how I can physically do what is required of me. If it weren't for the kids, I'd miss more. We just keep pluggin' away, don't we, and God never leaves us... but it doesn't always feel that way. Yes, our blessings are all around us and I have to keep reminding myself of that as well.

Me: I am so glad to hear you say that. Andy does not understand my not wanting to come to church. But I have struggled mightily with coming. And for the same reason I keep waking up on Sundays and bringing the boys in - usually late. They need to be there....and so do I. I am so glad to hear I am not the only one - and so glad to know that you and I both continue to come in spite of it (another blessing - those children!).

Oh and I totally agree with not seeing how we can physically do what is required. But - yes - we will get up and get done what we can and what doesn't - we will not worry about! At least try not to worry about!

My heart feels lighter now. God is so good. Thank you again! So much!

The conversation went on a bit more - but the above portion was what I wanted to share. How many of us feel that church is just one more thing to do? That God is on our checklist and we do what he asks because it is a duty - when worship and time alone in the Word is a blessing and a gift. And yet - it just doesn't always feel that way.

Duty is not a bad thing. Sometimes it is all that keeps us going - and yet - I want desperately to remember the blessings that come from our gathering together each week to worship and fellowship. It is what keeps my head above water! I don't want to forget that - and I wanted to remind others as well. Come on in to the house of the Lord - you will be refreshed. Count on it.

Hebrews 10:24-25
24And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Perspective

2010-09-24T23:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday on my way home from work, I was listening to Magic 96.5. They are having a fundraiser for Children's Hospital.

There was a Mom on there. She was talking about how her child had obviously lost hope. I do not know what this child had. I hit the station after the introduction. She went on to say how she would watch him look out of the window and the interest in his eyes had gone. He no longer wanted to watch his cartoons. He no longer interacted with people. He was giving up. As I listened to the hysterical woman talk about her child, I was gripped with certain horror. This is no exxageration. I was horrified.

She had a talk with her child that went something like this - "Baby - you know the difference between living and dying don't you?" The little boy replied, "Yes Mama". She continued, "When you quit wanting to watch your cartoons and quit wanting to get out of the bed and play, you know you will probably die right?" The little boy answered, "Yes Mama." She beseeched her son, "You must keep on wanting to live, because I can't imagine this life without y-."

I changed the channel. My throat hurt. My eyes began to water and I began to cry the ugliest sounding cry I have ever heard.

Oh my goodness. Oh - my - goodness. How thankful I am that my children are healthy. How thankful I am that they are happy and that I am not sitting by their bedside begging them to find the will to live.

My heart is mush.

It puts things in perspective doesn't it?

Huh....

2010-09-22T22:04:00.004-05:00

I was watching High School Musical 3 tonight. Seriously. There were no children in the room either. I didn't watch it all...just a small part. I guess what made me stop was Troy said he wasn't sure what to do. He was frustrated and he went to the place that seemed to give him freedom to vent his feelings. The drama teacher just happened to be in there. She gave him an encouraging little speech and one of the things she said was, "Living out your convictions takes courage."

Holy cow.

I think that it's an amazing thing to hear something so encouraging and convicting from a cheesey Disney movie. But there it is. Living out your convictions and dreams DOES take courage. And faith.

What are my convictions? What are my dreams? What do I think God wants for me right now? This month? This year? This lifetime?

I heard a man on the radio being interviewed. He was the winner of The Biggest Loser. He said that he laid aside his dreams to follow a more practical route to care for his family. I am all for practical...I am about the most utilitarian person I know. But the whole idea of "laying aside his dreams" kind of stuck with me all day, and then when I heard Mrs. Darbus - my mind raced.

Is life too short NOT to find the courage to live out my convictions? My dreams?

Making the vapor that is my life count is expected of me by God. I believe that.

Ephesians 5
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Silver Lining

2010-09-18T08:25:00.008-05:00

You know, in every hard thing - there is always a way out. It seems to me that God has always made a way for me to handle the things that I think will be the hardest.

So many things that I have loved are no longer there. I have not considered them much of a sacrifice until the last few months. Probably because I have felt so lost lately.

I loved Mobile, never intended to leave. And yet I did. I loved my church in Mobile, had every intention of staying there my whole life - I loved being a member there. I was surrounded with people that "got" me. I loved singing - it was truly a passion - now, I only sing in the car or in the bathtub. I loved being at home with my children. And yet, here I am working full-time.

Each and every one of those things was an identifier for me. It was how I defined myself. I am a Mobilian. I am a Baptist. I am a singer. I am a full-time mother. I loved each one of those things passionately. As each one was lost, I felt more and more transparent. I could no longer see myself. I felt lost.

I have been so caught up in the hardness of work, or duties at home, of the boys activities and homework that I haven't always been able to see the good that comes from each one of them.

I have made unhealthy substitutes that are not in my best interest. I have been miserable. I put on the happy face. I tell my friends, "It will be fine". And honestly, I am coping. But who wants to just cope?

Last week I stopped by a co-worker's office. She told me about a book she was reading and how God was using it for her to share the love of God with others. In her conversation I heard a sincere desire to serve others well, to love others well. Her words of encouragement were such a help to me. It brings tears to my eyes to think of the life buoy she lobbed at me - probably without knowing it. She handed me this tiny card and said, "Have you ever used these? They are amazing".

It was a tiny little card to write your prayers on. I took it, hugged her and moved on. I looked at that little prayer card for a couple of days. When I went back in on Thursday morning, I wrote a short prayer. "Convince me you love me Lord".

I don't think that little card was anything more than a gentle nudge to go before God with my heavy heart. But I think that small nudge helped me be more aware of things. I realized I truly do love my job. I will admit this scares me a little sometimes because when I get home I have very little left to give to my family. But for 8 hours a day, I enjoy what I do. I absolutely love the people I work with in my department. And we are all women. Not completely drama free but a wonderful group of women. Not many people can say that.

My boys have friends that have precious moms. God has given me fellowship in areas I never expected to find it. I have been uplifted and loved well by these precious sisters in Christ. They have come about me and lifted me up, especially in this last week. How very thankful I am to them! I am loved. And very well loved at that.

Friday morning another co-worker dropped by my office. She proceeded to tell me about God's hand in her life. I sat amazed as I listened to her faith in God in obvious hard times. And how she is content and knows God's love. She knows nothing of my situation. God obviously moved her to come in there. I have been there three months and we have never exchanged more than a good morning or a how are you.

For the last few months, though I have seen how blessed I am in God's provision for me and my family (we have all that we need, we are healthy - PRAISE GOD!) I have felt disconnected. I have felt unattached and that God had left me to drift.

But upon reflection, it seems that God took away those things I identified with, in order to make me see what my true identity is. His child. First and foremost - without question - it is the one thing that is foundational to my life. Those other things mean nothing if they are not based on my belonging to my heavenly father.

I forget that.

I am not through all of this yet. I know I will still flounder. But I am more encouraged than I have been in so very long. Thank you to those friends who have allowed God to use them in such amazing ways. Thank you God for loving me enough to strip it all down and get down to the bare bones of the problem.

There is always a silver lining...I just have a tendency to focus on the dark parts.

1 Corinthians 10:12-14
12So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it

The Only Thing To Fear...

2010-09-12T12:11:00.005-05:00

I sat and watched show after show last night. They depicted the horrifying scenes that I can't forget from September 11, 2001. That was a day that will be forever marked in history. A horrible thing for the United States and especially those who lost loved ones in that horrible event.

It also made an impact on me. It was the beginning of a very real feeling of being unsafe. We had been invaded by people that hated us - for no other reason than being American. I remember that carved out feeling of fear...of my world never being the same again. I was prickly and insecure about my future and that of my children.

My Mom called me and told me that my Dad had stage 2 testicular cancer and was going to have to have surgery and go through chemo. Again my world was shaken. It made no sense that there was a possibility I would lose my Dad. There were many hours of extreme fear and crying to God for my Dad.

Katrina blew into New Orleans over two hours away from my parents river house in Mobile. When they called me and told me that the river house was gutted, I couldn't believe it. It was a mess. I went down to Mobile on my own and was heart-broken at the sight of my parent's home. I mourned the loss of a place I had grown up. The fact that something so far away could totally destroy my parents home was horrifying to me.

When Obama became president, I was scared. The images that the talking heads placed in my head made it hard for me to sleep at night because of the insecurity that change brings. And he was bringing change, there was no doubt about it.

Commercials even started scaring me. I feared termites and my dogs dying of heart worms and my children getting swine flu.

The economy took a plunge and I feared that it would impact us, and it did. My husband lost his job, and I had to start working full time. Two things I prayed and prayed that God would never allow to happen...and yet it did.

So where does this leave me as I sit and ponder the turn of events in the last 10 years? I am at a hard place. Have been for a long time. And I keep choosing to put one foot in front of the other and to move forward the best I can. I keep clinging to that tiny grain of faith that has been given me and I berate myself for the lack of it's strength and growth.

You probably see a consistent theme with me and it seems to be struggle. I am no different from anyone else I guess. It seems that other folks deal with things better than I do. It seems they look to God and bravely shoulder through the difficulties. I feel like I am wallowing in my fear and insecurities. I don't even recognize myself somedays.

But one thing keeps coming to my mind.

Romans 8:14-16
14 because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

If I can believe that God loves me at all like I love my children, then this should be an immense thing to comfort me. Something to cling to when I am afraid. And it seems I am afraid a lot these days.

My prayer will continue to be let me know that you love me like a Father loves his child, Lord. Give me that confidence. I beg it of you.

Sometimes You Just Have To Cry....

2010-08-11T22:31:00.004-05:00

Crying is so therapeutic. I am not sure why I hate it so, because I feel so much better afterwards. There are times I feel like crying and I don't know why. Except that maybe something in me knows it would just make me feel better.

I haven't cried in a while I think...

But today - I think I just needed to. I wanted to when there was a horrible three car wreck that missed me and the boys by inches - but I didn't. I felt like it after I took my 7 year old to meet his teacher and we found out the car was messed up and we had to take it in to the dealership...just a week and a half after we had to do the same to the other one...but I didn't. I felt like it when I came home after working until 6:00pm, knowing I still had to cook dinner, wash a load of clothes, make lunches, dry the clothes and iron clothes for tomorrow and get things ready for football tomorrow....but I didn't.

I sat down finally at 10:00pm and I watched the last part of P.S. I Love You and cried my eyes out. Cried and cried and cried and cried.

I CANNOT tell you how much better I feel.

But I hate to cry.

Divine Appointment

2010-08-07T15:13:00.012-05:00

I haven't thought about occurences that appear to be "Divine Appointments" for a long time. It was one of those catch phrases that got overused and I quit using it because it seemed cheesy for some reason. Not the process....just the phrase.

Okay - since it has been a while...I looked up the definition...because this phrase has popped into my brain unwillingly so many times this summer.

Dictionary.net says an appointment is: a meeting arranged in advance. So Divine appointment would be a meeting arranged in advance by GOD. I have had these. This summer.

Talking in the bathroom to a team mates mom, I got a job - no interview. AND the job is wonderful. I love it. That HAD to be a Divine Appointment.

That is pretty amazing and quite exciting in and of itself...but this next one is so much fun and gives me such hope. And we all know that hope is a wonderful thing. This story has many levels that seem to be focusing toward a single happening, so try to stay with me. I get a little wordy when on a tare...patience please. It all happened like this -

Coming home from Crossville, Tennessee, my husband and I talked and talked about an idea we have for a book. It would be a non-fiction work about our travel through Tennessee. We got all excited as we talked about it. I think it would be amazing. Certainly it was fun to plan it as we traveled through the beautiful country on our way home.

We were planning on stopping in Chatanooga and visiting a couple of our favorite places before catching the Lookouts game at AT&T Field. We stopped and ate at Blue Plate Diner, one of our favorite haunts there. As we were getting ready to leave, a man patted the boys on the head and chuckled and my thoughts were, what a sweet man, when my husband said, "That's Tommy Lasorda". Nah....really? I asked the cashier and she said yes, so I grouped the boys (that includes my husband) and encouraged them all to go say hello to him. He was THEE nicest man. He talked to the boys, signed a Hall of Fame card with his name on it to each one of them. I thought it was amazing that he took the time to shake their hands, tell them to grip firmly and look the person in the eye as they greeted them...made them practice it with him and wished them his best. HOW THRILLING!

So we were buzzing as we walked in the rain to our next favorite haunt, Rock Point Books.

We were amazed and happy to see MoonPie had a nice area there that we had never seen before. So we browsed the books and fun t-shirts and such and I bought the boys an RC Cola and a MoonPie - because really - it is such a rite of passage for a southerner. We sat down to eat and amazingly enough there was a radio program being broadcasted - live. So we got a free show while eating - which was so much fun.

It was David Magee, who is an award winning columnist there in Chatanooga. His show was entertaining and educational and he was truly the nicest guy. He was talking about Tommy Lasorda being in town and how they were going to have him on the show but Tommy didn't have the time. So J went up to him during a commercial break and showed him his signed card from Tommy. He let J, S and G hold up their cards signed by Tommy Lasorda and showed the boys on his NATIONALLY syndicated program. Thrilling for me...because I am such a glory hog. Can't help it - seems to be hard wired.

He signed a book of his for us called, MoonPie-Biography of an Out of This World Snack. Seriously, it is a great book about the history of the MoonPie and the bakery there in Chatanooga. He thanked us for coming to the show and we walked out all excited about our great day. We went to the game, watched Tommy (because in my head I know him now) as he got inducted into the Chatanooga Hall of Fame and whooped and hollered as the Lookouts played their game and lost in 14 innings to the Diamond Jaxx. Still - pretty happy about our day - we headed home.

Now, today I sat down to blog and look up the website for David Magee, I find that not only does he own Rock Point Bookstore, he is THE FOUNDER of Jefferson Press - look what it says about this publishing company - "We specialize in regional books, with an emphasis on nonfiction categories such as history, travel, folklore, and biography."

Okay - really - even if this does not happen - how cool is even the possibility of pitching my husband's and my idea to this company?

It is absolutely delicious. And it is another Divine Appointment. It makes me giggle.

Oh how the years, months, days, minutes, seconds....go by

2010-07-29T06:17:00.003-05:00

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and I made a comment about how fast the week was going. She replied, "That's good isn't it?" I think I made some half hearted comment agreeing with her, but in truth, I really don't want it to go by quickly.

I find myself saying things all the time about how glad I am it's 4:00pm or that it's Thursday - but I don't really mean that. Instead I want to enjoy every minute. Or at least appreciate every minute.

It seems that only yesterday I was kissing those sweet baby cheeks of my boys and holding them here at home...and it doesn't do for me to dwell on those days, because I find myself spiraling downward into that funk I seem to get stuck in so often. I miss those days. As frustrating as they may have been, I don't remember that. I remember how content I was. I would like to look back on these days and feel the same way...but I want to make them the best days they can possibly be. I don't want to look back on them and be sorry I didn't redeem the time better. I can't be sorry for where I am right now. God has placed us in this position for a reason. I feel sure of that.

So, my question is, how can I make my few hours at home with my boys each evening the absolute best they can be? Having to work around dinner, football, chores and such and then that precious hour or two where I can just enjoy my sweet boys and husband?

I am asking God to give me wisdom, and discernment. I need the energy to get the things done that I need to, and I need the wisdom to know when to stop and focus on the important things. Looking back and wishing things were different is not going to make it better.

Taking the time out to plan my day and do my best to get to what matters most is my goal. And what matters most is honoring God with my time...living that before my boys, placing it all before the housework and whatever other thing I think defines me (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids (HA)...), because really - it doesn't matter.

Ecclesiastes 1:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow

And I could bemoan this text and wallow in it and let it sooth me that it all meant nothing...

But I choose to see it as someone who allowed himself to lose sight of the important things. To learn from it and realize that all of these things that I have wanted in the past (clean house, clean car, neat yard, neat kids...(HA) ) really meant nothing. I loved those days of being home and my work being all about my home. And thought they were wonderful - the times that counted were the ones I was investing myself in friends, and in my family. Those days that I sought the face of God and passed some small grain of wisdom that has or will one day take root in their lives. And that is not over just because I am working full time. It can still be accomplished. I just have to keep my sight right.

Oh how the years go by....all of those increments of time - like sand through my fingers...but I am determined that I will continue to hitch up my britches and thumb my nose at those things that would keep me from living rightly before God. Keep on. But keep on always remembering and aiming for what matters most. It's a good question to ask.

I asked for it with fear and trembling. God answered and there was peace....

2010-07-22T19:39:00.008-05:00

My prayer has been to expose my sin. Expose the things that need to be made right.

And it was scary. So scary.

Being a people pleaser is hard in that so many times my own perception of myself is reflected in others happiness with me. It is so wrong. But it is my "go to" process. I do it without knowing it.

This process of mine causes undue importance on so many things that are so not important.

I asked God to reveal it - and I said I would trust him through it.

And he did. There is some pain there. There is disappointment in me there. I am sad for this. But I am clean before my Lord and my sights are no longer horizontal...

they are vertical.

Horrid process...and yet there is peace. The Light has revealed what needed to be seen and I do not have to fear anymore.

God is so good. It's not all better yet. I am going to have some hard times. Some really tough moments I feel sure. But my prayer is that I keep my gaze up - tracing the heart of my beloved Savior - walking in his light and trusting in him to give me my worth.

Thank you God. Please let it be so.

Something Great

2010-07-21T22:50:00.002-05:00

Do you ever get the feeling you're not doing enough? Maybe you are doing a whole lot - so busy you can hardly think but what does it count for? Is it a clean house? Is it accomplished children? As nice as these things are, I am still not convinced they are enough.

My pastor has encouraged our congregation to step out and do something great for God. Many times. And I still have yet to do that. I have all kinds of ideas but it seems to me at the core of every idea is a selfish motive.

I want to be self-less. I want to do something great that has nothing to do with me. I want to be so emptied of my selfishness that I step out and do something amazing that is totally for the benefit of someone else and the glory of God.

I don't know what yet. But I am asking God to help me. He has been weeding and it is painful - wouldn't it be totally amazing if all of this was preparing me to do this great thing - whatever it is? Well worth all of that weeding.

I really don't like to weed or be the weedee for that matter...but would I consider it worth it if it meant I could accomplish this great thing for God?

I would think so.

I would think so.

HE WHO OVERCOMES SHALL INHERIT ALL THINGS....REVELATION 21:7

2010-07-07T06:33:00.001-05:00

This is not what I thought it would look like...but okay

2010-07-06T06:13:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago in the busy-ness of All Star Baseball times two, I talked with another baseball mom in the bathroom. In passing I managed to tell her about taking the test for my insurance certification a few years ago. She immediately told me there was an opening at her job. I said okay like I had to many other people who told me about job openings. I did not take it seriously. I went on about my own business...summertime with my boys.

The next day she texted me the girls name and number I should get in touch with for the position. Once again I shrugged, called the girl, left a message. She called back. She asked me when I wanted to start.

Um

Confusion, disbelief, uncertainty and a flood of questions started jamming my mind. I stuttered a quick explanation of finding child care, and such...and said I would get back with her as quickly as I could. I talked to my husband and he gave the thumbs up immediately. He talked to his dad and my sweet daddy-in-law said they would take the boys 3 days of the week. I called my neighbor and she said she would take them the two remaining and after school during the year.

Huh?

This was so not what I had planned. And yet here I was...about to start a full-time job. I cried and cried. If I started talking about it I cried, when I thought about it I cried. I had hardly any time to reflect though. I told her yes on a Friday - I started working Tuesday of the next week. So fast.

I could not have done much less to get that job. A simple call and here I was, a full-time working mom. But I went in to work and started doing what they needed me to.

I loved it. The work was fun. I picked it up easily. I love the the people there. It is laid back and the folks all seem to enjoy each other. It is not a drama free place. No place with that many people working there is...but all things considered. I could not have found a job that pays this with a better environment. I consider myself blessed.

My boys have been the most amazing part of this. They seem to be so happy and at ease with this new task I have taken on. No one has complained. No one seems to be put out or uncomfortable with this...amazing.

God - this is a new era for me. I am praying that I will walk carefully - that my spiritual eyes will stay open and aware of the needs of my kids as well as my husband. That I will not be too worn out to come home and enjoy my children.

I have changed my thoughts on working full-time. I now consider it a place of encouragement for those who are like me and need to do this. I have always said I have been placed on this earth to make others feel better about themselves. I do not say that feeling sorry for myself...I say that meaning it. If I am serving well by encouraging others in the Lord with my working - then I will consider myself very blessed - and thankful for being used.

And I am helping with our income.

Thank you Lord. Keep me right. Keep my eyes on you....

and off to work I go!

Thoughts

2010-07-01T05:36:00.006-05:00

Heaven is not a vacation resort. It is where redeemed human beings will manifest the potential and destiny for which they were created--to the glory of God. -- David Jeremiah.

I have thought and thought......and thought and thought and thought about this quote.

I am absolutely ashamed to say that I have doubted there is a God to glorify....a lot lately. It seems my selfishness and my inability to process the blessings that my life has been filled with and continues to be filled with has caused my faith to falter. I cannot go to church without crying the whole time.

And the fact is - I would love to expound upon the list of woes that make me doubt that there is a God, and that if there is, that he loves me. But upon reflection - it is a trite list. It is full of embarrassing comparisons and absolutely brings me to the end of me. And at the end of me every time...there is still something there...it is tiny. Tiny. And I do not always recognize it. I mostly have shrugged my shoulders and moved on for the time.

But I finally realized what it was.

Faith. My hope in the faith that has been given me, is what keeps me going. This tiny mustard sized grain is not of my doing. If it was, I am pretty sure I would have destroyed it.

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

My mountain is obviously this life that has been given me. It is a blessing. I do believe that. And though it is exceedingly difficult (for me) at times, I pray God will continue to let me see that tiny seed of faith grow. I pray that this person that I have allowed myself to become - will be stronger, will be grateful, will be thoughtful, will put her trust in God...even when things get hard. I do not want to live in fear of the next bad thing. I want to live in freedom...freedom from the fear that clips my wings and strands me in such a low place.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

...Freedom will have to have it's own blog spot....but I am looking forward to writing about it.

Daddy makes a dream come true...

2010-06-02T02:27:00.003-05:00

I love horses. Something about them just appeals to me - I love the way they smell, the way they sound, the way they feel. I never outgrew it like some girls.

I have a sweet story. I wanted a horse more than anything in the world when I was a little girl. I read every book there ever was about them. I never really hoped to have one. I lived in the city and my family was blessed with all we needed but we did not have a lot more than that.

On my 10th birthday, my Daddy took me to the back yard and there was a shetland pony. White with brown spots, a long mane and tail. So pretty. Smelled so good. I named HIM Crystal. I really don't know why. I had him in my back yard in the middle of the city for a whole weekend. The neighborhood kids thought I was amazing. I loved my pony. He was beautiful...and he was my dream come true. My Daddy cried when he had to take him to our friends farm in Hurley, Mississippi because I cried.

I found out later that my sweet Daddy brought that thing home in our stationwagon - his head out one window and his tail out the other. He ripped the carpet with his hooves but my Daddy was bound and determined to make my dream come true. Not too many girls can say they got a horse when they were little. I did.

Come to find out - Daddy didn't pay a whole lot for Crystal. He was OLD. He made it a couple of years, then died. But I have to say - those two years of going to Mississippi to ride my pony were wonderful. That was a whole lot of trouble for my Dad to go through to make my dream come true.

I can't even express how thankful I am to my Daddy for going to all of that trouble to make me happy. How very blessed I am. Daddy's are so great.

God is so good to give us Daddy's!

Doubtful movie....surprisingly good

2010-05-29T23:37:00.006-05:00

Funny thing. Yesterday we took the boys to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Now I must tell you that I have never been thrilled that my boys love these books. I don't believe that the fact that teachers love the books because they make children want to read is a good reason. But my boys love these books. Something about them appeals to these little boys...and some girls to be honest. But - they would read excerpts to me and I would laugh...out loud. Of course I would always tag it with - just because I laughed doesn't mean that is the way to behave. Thinking to myself, "Dang! I should not have laughed at that - so NOT adult of me."

Yes the books can be gross.

Yes they are not always very nice.

But neither are my boys.

Or myself for that matter.

So when my husband suggested going to see it - to be honest - I was not at all that thrilled. But we went - it was at the dollar theater. I didn't really have a good argument.

I watched it. I was grossed out a few times. Just like I am with my boys...and myself for that matter.

When the movie ended...I wanted to stand up and clap. Okay - just remember - my responses are sometimes a little over the top - it's a personality thing. But I loved the movie.

I watch Greg and I am totally upset with him, because he reminds me of myself. Oh goodness. I could almost cry from the feelings this kid dredges up in me. But he totally learns the lesson. By the end of the movie Greg makes the right decision and it makes me so happy! He can actually learn to be wise. To make a decision not based on what he thinks will get him ahead - but he bases his decision on what is right.

Now, the fact is, what is right can be disguised - especially this day and age. But he acts out of a feeling that is totally selfless. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I cannot say enough good things about the redeeming theme of this movie.

There was an underlying simplicity to Rowley, Greg's best friend...and it was a beautiful thing. Rowley was a total dork. But he was who he was and really totally oblivious to what others thought. He was kind-hearted, he was loyal, and he did the right thing. He enjoyed his life without worrying what others thought. Such a wise little character. I love Rowley.

So, I have decided to start trying to be more like Rowley.
.
.
.

The cares of this world....

2010-05-28T10:17:00.010-05:00

I tend to carry baggage around with me. If you've read back at all on my blog then you know I pack my bags full of stuff and carry it around with me like I want it right there with me - just in case I need it.

I was looking at the picture of the sea snail I posted and just amazed that we could find that kind of life just a few feet from the beach in the shallows off of Destin Beach. Of course I am from the Gulf Coast - it's where I grew up so the Deep Water Horizon disaster has caused me much concern for the beaches and the life that we see there in the Gulf.

Of course we are in the midst of all star baseball and it is full of things I have packed to worry about: sponsors, kids being over-tired, not getting to enjoy our summer (in our usual manner), one child feeling left out, finding time in between to do the things with my business, all of these cause a whole mess of worries I pull out and mull over and over and over.

I find myself wanting to be more like Scarlet O'Hara and telling myself I cannot possibly worry about all of that "stuff" today - I'll worry about it tomorrow. I have always felt she was foolish and she would be the last person I would pick - yet in this one thing - I envy her.

Fact is, and I have struggled with this for quite some time, every day is full of cares and not just the mundane everyday things. Sometimes they are much too big to even see your way around. We found this out last year, when I kept telling myself that my husband's job would be fine. It wasn't. He lost it. And I thought my world was coming to an end.

It didn't.

We made it.

It really was alright.

And I was blessed in knowing that the world would not end. I thought that losing his job was the worst thing (other than things I will not speak out loud) that could happen to me. Truly - it was not. The knowledge was freeing.

I learned something else. To learn to live today. I learned not to worry about tomorrow - because the Bible tells us we aren't supposed to.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Amen, amen.

Realizing something you thought would end your life as you know it, really will not end it - and that life as you knew it might not have been that great to begin with - well - it is absolutely liberating. The way we look at things can make or break a day. Life does go on. How we handle the ick is what we leave our children in visible lessons, once it really is time for our life to end. How we deal with our daily burdens will be passed on to our kids and if we deal with them well - they will know how to deal with the ick well when they have to. This is quite a good thing to leave your children.

So really - the cares of this world are promised to us...we can count on them.
But it doesn't mean that this life is worthless. It actually frees us from being weighed down or surprised when something bad actually happens. It's freeing.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I love the idea of freedom. It is something I am very unfamiliar with. I am a bound woman. I must work harder at leaving all of that baggage behind.

I think Scarlet might not have been as stupid as I tend to think she was.

I will be hashing this out more in days to come.

Out of the Frying Pan Into the Fire

2010-05-17T16:52:00.007-05:00

For two years now one of my 10 year olds has worked his fanny off to make All Stars. Each year when it has come up I have been both saddened and happy. Sad because this 10 year old REALLY wants it, and when he does not get it - it breaks his heart, which of course breaks mine. Glad comes in when he doesn't get it - because - well for me, it is just one more thing to do and I know it is always more work for the Mommy than you think. Also - it means we really get to enjoy our summer.

So, this year, he has done so great. He has worked hard and the time came for the offer of All Stars and it was given. Hallelujah! What a great thing...over the moon he is so happy. It's all he can talk about. We made it to ALL STARS

His twin brother did not expect to make it on the All Star team. His batting average was not good enough and though it improved dramatically the last few games of the season we knew he would be okay if he did not make it. And this was my youngest's first year to be considered. We really didn't think All Stars would be an option for him yet.

BUT

Little brother made it. How is a little boy who is the only one who did not make All Stars in his family suppose to deal with this graciously? And now, I will not just be working on 1 All Star team - but 2. And one thing they don't really give you is the amount of money it will cost until after you have signed your name on the dotted line. Holy Cow. It ain't cheap. It ain't cheap times TWO!

So, as happy as I am for the two that made it, my heart is heavy for the one who did not. And when I told him, I could see happiness for his brothers in his eyes, and as I reminded him of what we had talked about before the end of the season, about his stats not being good enough to be in All Stars - I saw the disappointment, and the sheen of tears in his eyes.

But that little boy is a trooper. He rallied himself and congratulated his brothers. We have made sure that he will have plenty of places to go and things to do during these 4 weeks of baseball mania. And he seems to have come to peace with it.

I am so very proud of that little boy. Not easy when you are the odd man out.

Life is so hard. Lessons are sometimes so difficult.

But once again, the lessons little league offers are lasting ones. I would much rather them learn to deal with these issues now than when they are older. Learning to lose graciously, or how to deal with situations when they don't go your way is huge.

Character built early into these little lives is such a blessing. And I have to say the character it builds in me is a blessing as well...as painful as it is to go from busy to busier - I just see it as another opportunity to grow. For me and my family.

Of course I could have said no....probably should have said no....but - here we are.

Now, anyone want to sponsor us?

Seriously.

Inspiration

2010-05-01T22:30:00.004-05:00

I am thoroughly uninspired. I mean - I look at my house, my job, my kids, my husband - my life - and I am just - done.

With baseball season and then the Music Extravaganza (end of the year music program at school) and then the stomach flu (yuck) - Room Mom stuff, Team Mom stuff, and countless other easy things that should not be that hard to do....I can truly say that I am to that point that I am throwing up my hands. I quit. And I really have.

Of course I just said last week that I decided to be grateful for being re-engaged. But - this happens - to me - every time. My re-engag-ed-ness kind of overtakes me.

I take on too much. It is not always of my doing. I get most of my jobs from there being absolutely no volunteers and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This year, the teacher catches me in the hall and asks me TO MY FACE - who can say no to that?

I guess my question is - how do you keep this from happening?

At this moment I have a husband that is put out with me (he would never SAY he is - but you can tell - and he has a right to be)

I don't think I can fix any of it. And I can't find the gumption to want to. It is a massive mess.

But thankfully - I don't have to. I will hug and kiss my husband and I will tell him I am sorry for this messy house and my uninspired housekeeping. And I will go to bed.

When I lay my head on my pillow, I will ask God to give me good sleep and to help me break down the mess that is my life right now into small easily accomplished pieces.

It will happen.

I Thessalonians 1:
2 We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 3 We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have an example set before me in others. Here I read about the Thessalonians. Their labor was prompted by love and INSPIRED by HOPE in the LORD.

My hope is in the Lord. This mess will get cleaned up. My inspiration does not come from myself. It cannot. I do not have it. I cannot make myself do what I ought some days...but it will be accomplished.

But I don't have to worry about it.

My eyes water and my heart is full when I read:

Isaiah 40:30-31

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Therein lies my inspiration.

Disengaged

2010-04-18T08:03:00.003-05:00

It seems to me when life gets hard, when I can't control the bad, when things become overwhelming for me, I back out of it. I find a way to tuck myself safely at home and practice avoidance. I avoid other's sorrows, other's overwhelmedness, other's happiness, other's lives.

I don't think this is a bad thing necessarily. Sometimes it is good to back off a little. Finding a way to get alone and delve into the Word is restful and can revitalize an overwhelmed soul. But that is not my tendency. I tend to turn inward and become very selfish.

I disengage from everyone. I turn inward. I lose fellowship. I fall in a black hole. I become sorrowful and I lose hope.

I find that I lose sight of my salvation. I lose sight of God's love and provision for me. I cannot see my way past my own struggles - with the very large and overwhelmingly difficult things all the way down to the smallest of insignificant blips. Everything is hard. Getting up and getting dressed becomes a major issue. All I want to do is sleep. Many is the time I have longed to fall asleep and never wake up. It would be okay with me.

I know this is a chemical thing mostly - and as I have said before it is also a temperment kind of thing - Missy "swings like a pedulum do" (referring to the song by Roger Miller about England EnglandSwings ) I am somehow rigged to go from highs to lows in an unbelievably short amount of time.

The one thing that reassures me in my bumpy, little life is the far reaching hand of God. He pulls me from those lows everytime...and after many, manymanymany years of this struggle - and His constancy - I am sure he will continue to do so. My thankfulness when I emerge with His help is usually found in re-engagement. It is a wonderful thing.

Today - I have decided to be thankful to my heavenly Father that I am out of the depths and glory in the busy life that is now mine - for I am no longer disengaged -

but engaged.

I Love Our Little League

2010-03-17T08:15:00.007-05:00

You all know we are a baseball family. I love it. The boys love it (the biggest one especially). It is the most fun. It is exhausting at times but still, it is a wonderful experience for us all.

Last night I sat and watched 3 teams play a practice game. It is spring break so a lot of our kids were on vacation with their families, so three of the coaches got together and decided to play a game. Which, by the way, is the best way for the kids to practice in my opinion. As I sat and watched each of the players arrive, I saw kids who had been in class together and played on past teams together greeting each other with smiles. They warmed up together. The coaches would chat with the kids and rough up their hair as they passed. It was a good feeling to be back amongst so many of our friends.

Let me back up a bit. When we first started playing baseball, I had no idea what to expect. As a matter of fact, I was dreading the schedule that would turn me into a "soccer mom" for the following months. The first year was exactly as I thought. A lot of work, a lot of competition. No relationships. We left to go to a game and we came back home. I did not like it, the boys did.

So we signed up again. The next year, an amazing thing happened. We got on a team that understood that competition and friendship can cooincide. Very well at that. We had the most wonderful year. What we observed and learned is that the coaches that were on these teams not only wanted their team to do well and succeed. They wanted the other team to do well and succeed. They wanted every kid out there to feel they had done their best and played with their heart. The parents sitting in the stands would be rooting for a friends child on the other team every bit as much as they did their own child.

This seems like a conflict of interest. To be honest it took me a while to understand what was going on. These parents understood that competition is not just about winning. Winning is not the most important thing. Don't get me wrong, these coaches wanted their own team to win. They wanted it badly. They had simply come to a place where they understood as much as they wanted to win, it was not the end all be all of the day. What did give satisfaction is that the two teams played their best. They wanted each one of these kids to understand that their success was not in whether they won or lost, but whether they did their best, treated their team mates and opponents with respect, and enjoyed playing the game. Though winning is great and it is not a game without competition, more important is the child learning the little life lessons that come in abundance in competitive play.

I loved seeing the coaches from the other teams squatting down in front of another teams player and coaching them as well. I loved laughing at them as they joked around with each other and how when one got tagged as he slid into third, the third baseman reached out, helped him up and checked on him, helping him dust off.

I think the attitude can be summed up in a conversation between father and son as the boy walked up to the plate to bat. "Be a hitter", dad said. The little boy replied, "Be a winner". The dad corrected and said, "No, be a hitter".

Yep...I love little league. So much.

With the Spring Comes the Storms....

2010-03-11T10:10:00.006-06:00

I was at work the other day. Last Friday I believe is when it was 74 degrees and sunny. Beautiful day. Such happy feelings, sitting there in the sun watching the children laugh and play. Glorious. I was talking to another teacher and she said, " Everyone always forgets that Spring weather brings storms". Oh. She is right.

This week. Storms. Yesterday it rumbled all...day....long....

But I loved it. I loved the fact that it gave me an excuse (weak one though it was) to snuggle up and work at home, thanking God for the excuse. No errands on my day off. Just piddling around the house. It was loverly.

It is much like my spiritual walk. I will come to a sunny place. It seems easy. My faith is strong. It feels wonderful. I glory in my salvation. But out of nowhere comes a storm. But I do not snuggle down in them. I don't sit back and thank God for the opportunity for growth. I fall into a spiritual funk. I resent the hand that allowed the storm and ask "Why?"

I need to work on my spiritual endurance every bit as much as my physical.

I hope next time there comes a storm...I will be willing to thank God no matter if it is what nature or life conjures . Flex the spiritual muscles and stave off the funk. Lord give me strength.

Stick it out...

2010-03-03T11:10:00.005-06:00

I have been persuaded by my dear husband to take on a new exercise regimen with him. I said a casual okay, mainly because I didn't think it would happen. But this time he meant it. We are in the process of completing our first week doing P90X.

If any of you have heard of it - then you know it is literally a butt kicking exercise program that soft, mushy people like myself should not undertake lightly.

The first day I did it with little resistence, my main objection being he thought doing it at 8:30PM was a good idea (HELLO...that is MY time and I don't want to spend MY time SUFFERING). But we did it. And I hated it. HATED IT. I am having to capitalize to make it clear my resentment of this ordeal. It was horrid. The second night he caught me crying in the kitchen. That is not what I intended...but I really did not want to do it. But I did it anyway. And when it was over, I was glad. Not just glad it was over, but glad I did it...even though I hated it just as much. I actually woke up sore all over this morning and think that I will not cry tonight when he comes home getting ready to do it all over again. I am resigned that this is what I need to do.

I am a little surprised that I actually think I might be able to do this. Mainly because I hate exercising at night. It is my lowest energy level of the entire day. I like to sit on my mushy backside and watch my shows at that time of night. I deserve that right? That is such a bad attitude though. I need this. I know it. I did it - two nights in a row - even though I did not want to do it.

This brings me hope.

I am pretty sure that I can do it.

This is good.

And to think I was feeling sorry for myself.

2010-02-03T07:36:00.009-06:00

We have had to make some hard decisions over the last several weeks. The economy and the job market have put us in a place where things are tight. What we took for granted mere months ago is no longer there. Going to the Dr. for $30 - I USE to complain about. Now it will cost us much more than that. The boys were jumping on the bed the other day and broke it. BROKE it. I was so upset. And I cried. Over a BED. I ended up telling them they knew better than to jump on the bed but it is just a bed. No more jumping - move on. You would think after having a head through the window pane and many knots on the noggins for jumping that it was something they would not do again - but never underestimate the free spirit of a 9 year old boy. But back to - it IS just a bed.

I was reading Tim Staffords Blog this morning. He is a writer/reporter and just returned from Haiti. After reading about each person there mourning at times at least 100 people, I was ashamed. These people have no jobs to make money. They are scared to sleep in a building if there is one standing, because it may fall on them. They sleep outside on blankets and sheets. There is no infrastructure to organize and see things are taken care of in some kind of orderly fashion. They do not sleep well and they wake up scared. I have no idea what hard is.

Suddenly this house that has a leak in the roof and 2 broken windows (both the boys doing), a broken dishwasher, a leaky fridge, and 2 cars that are 10 years old are treasures. TREASURES! How blessed are we? Was I really feeling sorry for myself yesterday?

The list of blessings is long. The bed, though broken, has a nice mattress with warm blankets under a secure roof. My children sleep soundly in peace every night. No nightmares of falling rubble and hungry tummies plague them. We are not mourning the loss of a single family member at this time. Thank you Lord.

I can say that reading the Blog this morning has caused me to be grateful! How it has caused my heart to hurt for the many who truly know fear and loss. What can I do? How can I help?

The fact is that God has given us what we need to make it through this day. He has called those who are his and equipped them with the tools to serve others....

Galatians 5
13You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. 14The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Here I am Lord - use me as you will. Cause my eyes to rest where the need is and give me resources to serve those in need well. Forgive me for feeling sorry for myself and thinking that my world was rocked because of a little job change. Cause me to focus on the blessings of our lot and do not let my heart envy those with more. Give me boundless energy to serve you and those you place in my path. So be it Lord...with your blessing.

If you are interested in reading the blog here is the link:
http://timstafford.wordpress.com/

Hebrews 10:
39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

Forward - no shrinking back, no feeling sorry for myself. Oh Lord, help me to remember this!

Homesickness

2010-02-02T05:58:00.006-06:00

We were packed up, I was so excited. Everything I needed was in a truck and in my suitcases and I was going away to college. I could not believe it. It was not what I had planned initially. I was happy going to school there in my hometown. But, God had opened a door and I was adventurous enough at that time to walk through it. I hugged my mom and my dad and my little brother goodbye. The impact of what I was doing had not yet hit me.

Three days later...it did. My roommate had a job. I was alone. I cleaned the apartment. I went to the grocery store. I rolled around that little apartment like a marble in a refrigerator box. Then I cried. I wanted my Mama. I wanted my Daddy. I wanted my little brother. I wanted my bed, I wanted my friends. I was so sad. It was an acute, painful longing and a horrible realization that I had made a big mistake.

My mother, being the wise woman that she is, told me to go somewhere where there were people. She told me to find the local church, the Baptist Student Union, somewhere and serve. Work. She said I would feel better and it would get better soon. So, knowing my Mama would never steer me wrong. I got me up, washed my face, and grabbed my bike. Up I rode to the Baptist Student Union. It took a lot of internal fortitude for me to do this (thank you Lord!), but I walked in, asked someone what I could do to help and started working.

Mama was right. I was immediately better. I found friends. My mind was busy, and though I still missed home, the work my hands found and the friends I found soothed that homesickness.

I am homesick now. I find myself longing for my eternal home quite a bit. But I know where I am is no mistake. I know that I have a purpose here on this earth and the only thing I can do to assuage the ache of missing my eternal place is working for the coming kingdom.

Last week I had the happiest week I have had in quite some time. The reason? I was working. Not my job, but getting ready for the Outreach conference at Church and baking and organizing a bake sale so that we could donate the proceeds to Haiti. I have found the mundanities of this life, like cleaning my home, which always gets dirty again, and trying to find additional work, to help with our income, is quite depressing. But my focus being on helping others last week made for a light and happy heart.

I cannot take up every need I see. In spite of the dislike I have of cleaning my home and looking for additional work, they are a necessity. I thought that since I was working outside of the home that by cutting all the extra things i had done in the past out, that it would make it easier to have that job. But I have found I need to find those little projects to work on in order to give me a little uplift. Apparently that kind of service is a joy to me, one I have missed sorely.

So, to assuage the homesickness, I will find work...get my hands busy with building the unshakeable kingdom. I will find today what God will for my hand to do. It will be like packing my bags to go home.

Matthew 6:32-34
32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Psalm 139

2010-02-01T07:26:00.002-06:00

1 O LORD, you have searched me

and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;

your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,

and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Ladies and Gentlemen - Children of allllll ages....

2010-01-31T19:43:00.005-06:00

Saturday night found me and my husband and children, my Mom and Dad in law and niece and nephew at the circus. Yes, Barnum and Bailey and Ringling Brothers had come to town. I had been looking forward to it with a mild interest. I went to the circus as a child and to be honest, I don't remember thinking it was that great.

What I saw Saturday night was beyond great. It was stupendous, awesome, spectacular - absolutely riveting. I felt like a big kid. I ooo'd and ahhhh'd with the kids, I clapped and laughed...it was so much fun. I actually thought how great it would be to be in the circus. Living on a train, traveling from place to place being a part of that bright and sparkly cast of talented folks. These people were the real deal. They were amazing.

I started thinking about the "what if's". My aunt and uncle live in Sarasota and when I graduated from highschool my aunt said I needed to come down there and go to school at Ringling. I just poohed it. The circus? That's just not realistic.

But what if? Too many times we are limited by what we think is "doable". The sensible thing is to go to college and get a degree that will aid me in my future. I was an English major and a Music minor. I can do nothing with those degrees. But - had I gone to Ringling...well...I might have been one of those performers.

The fact is, I love my life. God has been good to me, much better than I deserve. But I guess what I am trying to say is, it's okay to think beyond the sensible -to try the outlandish for size every once in a while.

I think back to the Israelites when the 12 spies went in. Caleb and Joshua believed that with God's help they could inhabit the land in spite of the giants. But the other 10 spies did not believe. They did not inhabit the land. They had to wander another 40 years. Had they had the faith of Caleb and Joshua they could have lived in that land of milk and honey.

Numbers 13
But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, "Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it."

Not that I want to run away and join the circus. But - what things have I missed because of my short sightedness. I have not had faith in God's ability to make great things happen for his kingdom.

Numbers 14
And Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had spied out the land, tore their clothes 7and said to all the congregation of the people of Israel,"The land, which we passed through to spy it out, is an exceedingly good land. 8If the LORD delights in us, he will bring us into this land and give it to us, a land that flows with milk and honey. 9Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not fear the people of the land, for they are bread for us. Their protection is removed from them, and the LORD is with us; do not fear them."

"If the LORD delights in us, he will bring us into this land and give it to us".

This phrase is freeing and quite uplifting. The fact is that the reason I do not live large - is that I do not dream big for God. The thing I must do is make sure my motives are to build the kindgom and to give God glory. Anything done to lift up myself, or make my life more comfortable is not glorifying the kindgom. It is living for myself. I must be kingdom conscious.

Matthew 21:21
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

1 Corinthians 2:5
so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

I have determined in my heart this day, that I will not settle for okay. I want great. I want it for my children, for my husband and for myself. I want to see miracles and witness extraordinary things that could never happen on my own merit. I want to be like Joshua and Caleb and be ready to possess the land. God give me great faith to do amazing things for your kingdom.

Update on Mission: Bake Sale

2010-01-29T19:19:00.002-06:00

$350 is the grand total. I am totally and completely thrilled at the goodness of God. Today as I was driving home I thought to myself - "what if the weather had been like this Wednesday and Thursday?" But it was not cold and rainy....it was beautiful and warm!

There is no doubt in my mind that God blessed our little project and encouraged me and those that had a part in it.

Praise be to God!

Eat a Cookie! Save a Life!

2010-01-28T07:31:00.005-06:00

So....my boys wanted to do something to make money to send to Haiti. Quite the happy thing. Thrilled me to think that they are thinking beyond themselves. So, we decided to have a neighborhood Bake Sale. I told some of my sweet neighbors and they agreed. One of them lives on the main street at a 4 way stop...the perfect place to have the bake sale. We all pooled our goods and set up our table and had the kids waving their posters and brandishing the cans with DONATIONS in large letters. They had a great time. I was so proud of them.

So many people came from where I had posted on Facebook and the neighborhood website. And just the random folks who were passing through.

I have to say, I never expected to make as much as we did. My main goal was to aid the boys in getting money for Haiti and to think beyond themselves. My thinking was, however little was made, it was good to get them involved in a project to teach them to be mission minded.

But God had other things in mind. He blessed it and caused it to be a great success...both in getting the kids to work toward something that was for others and monetarily...in that short hour we made $150. Wow. WOW!

We have round 2 today. I have had 2 people I had not spoken to who heard about it through the grapevine call me and tell me that they wanted to help with the baking. So we have so many things we will be able to offer today. I am going to take a picture of the cupcakes one friend has made...they are beautiful...have angels wings on them. How happy is that?

Pray that God again blesses the efforts and encourages these kids who have been so excited about giving of their time to earn money to help the people of Haiti. God is so good to give us this opportunity. I praise him because he helped me to follow through with an idea to help the kids. It is exactly what I needed to be encouraged in Kingdom work.

One of my favorite moments yesterday was when one of the girls ran up to me and said..."I am making a poster that says, Eat a cookie, save a life! - Can we please do this again?"

Of course!

God is so very good.

The Real Thing

2010-01-26T06:01:00.010-06:00

I know...that is a coke slogan...but it applies to something I noticed the other day.

Of course most people think that plants are a beautiful addition to the home. Makes it all warm and cozy and it shows what a good housewife you are! Well...before you have kids anyway.

When I had the twins, one by one my beautiful plants died and were replaced with silk versions. Nine years later, I do not have one real plant in my house. Every single one of them is silk. Not that there is anything wrong with silk plants...but real ones really are prettier.

How did that happen?

I got busy. I got involved with other little beings and it made it difficult to take care of the plants and all the other things in the house....so I compromised.

I see this in my spiritual life as well. So many times the things I become involved with are like those silk plants...they look pretty good, but it is an imitation. I am a good person (in a moral sense), God has given me a love of people and the personality that wants to please. But it is not always from a heart that is motivated by love.

John 14:6
6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

I long for the real thing - I want Jesus. Not the imitation life that looks pretty. Truly - I am willing to deal with ugly to have what is real. I think that Jesus knows that. 'Cause my life sure ain't pretty right now. But I am promised that one day it will be.....perfect.

Am I changing out all of my silk plants in my home? Not right now...but I will be paying more attention to what is real in my life...and be intentional about sowing truth, which is Jesus and his Word.

Please - just one favor...if I start sticking silk flowers around my mail box....YOU MUST STOP ME!

It's Happening Again

2010-01-13T08:57:00.006-06:00

There are times in my life that God seems to want to get my attention. I can trust that whatever it is he is wanting me to know - I am going to hear it...eventually. I might lightly brush over it in hearing it once. But when I notice it day after day in a book given to me by my husband, reading a blog of a friend, then in a radio broadcast I just happened to listen to while on my lunch break, and again in my daily devotional...well...I know he is trying to impress on me the importance of his message.

The fact is, for years I have been trying to get it right. But I do so love being in charge and ordering my way. I want to do it by myself. Independence strikes its ugly head. But its really gotten me nowhere. It is like spinning my wheels in the ice at the bottom of my driveway. A whole lot of energy expended and no progress to speak of.

I wake up in the morning to a myriad of people and tasks to take care of. The kids, the house, school work, my work, finding more work, people I want to go help...and it is overwhelming. My thoughts scatter, I lose my focus and end up doing nothing. I am depressed and feel hopeless at times. I want to take care of it all. And there are moments when I think I can. But those moments are fleeting in the face of my mountain of tasks. I am not able. I am reduced to nothing - and accomplish nothing.

But I have been reminded time and time again...through friends (thank you Tiffany), through broadcasts (thank you Nancy Lee Demoss), through books (thank you dear husband), and through my morning reading (thank you David Jeremiah) that my main purpose in my life, this month, this week, this day and this moment is knowing God. My being intentional about seeking the face of God in all I do will actually cause me to be more productive. And on those days when not much is accomplished...for whatever reason, there is no guilt, because I have sought his blessing on my day.

This is what I am longing for...to take care of all the things I need to. To do my daily tasks well, whether I love that task or not, and without guilt of all the things I did not do. I do think that I can cast my cares of the Lord (as I have so often posted here), I do believe that I can know him, ask his blessing on my day and lay my head on my pillow at night knowing that I have accomplished what this day was meant for me to accomplish - as long as I am putting God first. I can know, because I have sought his face, read his word and conversed with him, that he will use me to love those in my life well, to do the things I need to do and to trust that my needs are met. There is no guilt there. There is no remorse over a day wasted. This is good.

Colossians 1:

16 For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. 17 And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. 18 And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence.

History can prove faulty...

2010-01-06T07:47:00.009-06:00

I love Van Gogh. He is my favorite painter. Something about his work and life seems to ring a sympathetic chord with me. A friend posted this article that states that Van Gogh may not have actually cut off his own ear in a crazy frenzy over his prostitute love Rachel. Apparently Gauguin and Van Gogh liked to mix it up sometimes...crazy artists that they were. Gauguin was actually quite the fencer...according to this article he managed to whip out his foil and slice the ear off of his lead and turpentine laden friend. I have also read that artists often went mad in those days because they chewed on nice chunks of dried lead paint and put the turpentine soaked brushes in their mouths...odd - but okay- I'll bite. Probably the reason Van Gogh lost his ear - whether by his own hand or Gauguin's. Either way...interesting stuff.

According to this article, Van Gogh and Gauguin wanted to keep it on the down low that the ear was removed by the artist's close friend. So, they came up with the crazy idea that he did it to himself. Wow. That is a better story?

Regardless, history proves here that it is possible it is a little faulty. Makes me wonder often times what is really true and what is not. Perception is often wrong. But questionably enough - is that a problem? I mean, I have heard it said that ignorance is bliss. I have to say - I lean toward not wanting to know the truth sometimes. It is easier. It is less messy. Not in Van Gogh's case, but with other things definitely my perception is warm and fuzzy, verses the cold reality.

This has been a hard Christmas. Dear friends losing family in tragic accidents and heart breaking circumstances that will leave lasting worries, and many burdens that are just much too hard to bear on one's own. My own difficulties lately, pale in comparison.

This world truly is cold and hard. But we have been warned. We know that in reality the truth is not so warm and fuzzy. This is a harsh and sin riddled world. People do starve. People do lose their homes. People die in hopeless and horrifying circumstances. Husbands and wives grow apart, children find themselves members of two households instead of one solid secure home. To be honest, I long for home. I long for a haven such as heaven.

Do I doubt it exists? There are days when I fear that history is indeed faulty. I am not always sure of what is real and what is not. And it makes me sad. But somehow, some way, in much the way that Van Gogh's life strikes that chord of sympathy and admiration (yes, admiration), I find a verse in the Bible that does the same thing. Somewhere in my soul the reading of The Word calms and firms my faith and hope in the loving heart of my heavenly Father.

John 16:33 (read John 15 and 16)

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

1 John 3:1-3
1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 3Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

1 Corinthians 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I choose to protect, trust, hope and persevere -because of that sounding resonation that rings through my soul when I read the Word of God. It is the only compass I have that seems to comfort and resolve the confusion of a hard world.

Oh - Here's a link to the article for those who are interested:

Art historians claim Van Gogh's ear 'cut off by Gauguin'

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/may/04/vincent-van-gogh-ear

I hope it snows...in spite of my being prepared.

2010-01-05T07:33:00.010-06:00

It's really cold outside right now....REALLY COLD. This is the south and we are not used to it. It's 19 degrees F outside. That is COLD. REALLY COLD.

So, I was watching the news and they are predicting POSSIBLE snow showers Thursday. You know you are way south when they predict snow on Thursday and you run by the store on Sunday and they are out of milk and bread. For Pete's sake.

Anyway - while I was there I went ahead and got a few batteries and what was left of the milk and bread. So in doing so I have probably hexed the snow on Thursday. For this my fellow southerners...I am truly sorry.

I don't really believe in Murphy's Law. But it has happened enough, that I generally seem to give it a nod every time I am in a quandary.

Thankfully the Lord has also seen to giving me a nudge where my dependence should be.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thank goodness Murphy's Law is not really something I have to contend with.

But man, I sure do hope it snows on Thursday. Even though I went ahead and went to the store.

Yes, I recognize this inner conversation....

2010-01-04T09:11:00.012-06:00

"I presently fell into a deep argument with myself on life and its chances, on destiny and her decrees. My mind, calmer and stronger now than last night, made for itself some imperious rules, prohibiting under deadly penalties all weak retrospect of happiness past; commanding a patient journeying through the wilderness of the present, enjoining a reliance on faith - a watching of the cloud and pillar which subdues while they guide, and awe while they illumine - hushing the impulse to fond idolatry, checking the longing outlook for a far-off promised land whose rivers are, perhaps, never to be reached save in dying dreams, whose sweet pastures are to be
viewed but from the desolate and supulchral summit of a Nebo. "

Lucy Snowe - Villette (Charlotte Bronte)

I love the spartan and stoic attitude often displayed by Charlotte Bronte's heroines. It seems to make me feel better that they, at least, understand that one must use self control and reign oneself in when it comes to flights of fancy. It makes me want to try harder to do the same. For I also have one thing about me that seems strong and durable enough - and that is selfishness (to steal a phrase regarding Genevra Shaw). So flights of fancy are common for me.

Lucy Snowe seems to accept that her "Promised Land", like Moses', is far from her - and she views it from her own Mount Nebo. It is a mournful place for her. But she does not stay there.

"By degrees - a composite feeling of blended strength and pain wound itself wirily around my heart, sustained, or at least, restrained it's throbbings, and made me fit for the days work.

I lifted my head."

Well, that's what I intend to do today as well.

Here I go....again

2010-01-02T14:42:00.004-06:00

I am brain-storming. I am drawing and thinking and mulling over what I can do on my days off to help bring in income. There has to be a way for me to plug into some brilliant idea somehow. After all...some person came up with an idea to make rubber bands in the shape of animals, letters and underwear (yes, I know it's supposed to be bathing suits) and called them Silly Bandz and made a load of money. Surely there is something else out there just like that. I am bound and determined to figure something out.

So - I'll let you know when I do.

Feeling Sorry For Myself

2009-12-31T07:53:00.007-06:00

I have tried to write for the past three days. Every time it ends up into a full blown wah wah story about how sad I am. Yes, I am sad. This last month has been hard. My husband lost his job and my life has changed once again and I hate change. But, I realize that I cannot accomplish my dreams and what I have to by moping. NO MORE FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. The fact is - we are not making enough money to pay all the bills without my working...at least 5 days a week...and maybe it will have to be full time...year round...no summers off.

I did not sleep well the last couple of nights. In my wide awakedness I was nudged again and again by my Savior. Up I got the next morning. And I went to my devotional and low and behold, what had sustained me for so long was there in front of me again...

Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

I am always amazed at how the Lord seems to use things that have been written years before to speak to me just when I need it most. It is amazing to me that the morning I needed to be reminded that God wants me to cast my cares on him - he wants to sustain ME - that he places the exact thing in my e-mail devotional that I need to hear. It is such a small thing to have that little devotional each day and yet how HUGE that this message seems to be aimed at me for this moment, at this time in my life.

The thing is, I had been reminding myself daily how blessed we are. I had been daily counting my blessings and thanking God for all we had. When the news came that we had actually been offered a job, I was so thrilled. But when it was so much less than we had made before, I allowed myself to flounder, and fall once again into feeling sorry for myself. But my hope was no longer in the Lord, it was in whatever job my husband had and the salary it provided. This is not the basis of my hope. But for whatever reason...I forgot that.

Isaiah 40:
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

I hitched up my britches and thumbed my nose and started over again. I will not allow myself to continue to mourn something that is obviously not meant to be. I had stopped reading my Bible...I had given in to depression and I was soul-sick. But that would be no more...my hope is IN THE LORD! I can run and not grow weary. I can walk and not faint...more than that - I will soar on wings like eagles! (Please read Isaiah 40 - it is such a freeing and uplifting passage - beautiful! wonderful!)

wow.

WOW!

It should be a great testimony to the Lord how he chooses to provide for us. I pray that I will continue to place my hope in him, and not of the things of this world. I ask my friends to pray for me as well.

So - here we go - THE NEXT GREAT ADVENTURE....

I can't imbed it - but if you are interested in hearing really encouraging song...here it is.

TheGreatAdenture - Steven Curtis Chapman

Giddyup!

Peace

2009-08-14T08:27:00.004-05:00

I am a Facebooker now. I know, I know...I hear all kinds of things about it - good and bad. But the reason I got on was from urging from a friend and once I got there - well...I found all of my sweet girls from my discipleship groups from the past and caught up with precious highschool friends and it actually has been quite a blessing.

This morning a friend (thank you Tammy) posted that school had started and she was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the craziness of it all. She said she needed to put on some soothing music and look up some scripture about "peace". So I, being the sweet friend (cough) that I am looked up some verses. I was struck with one.

Peace to me seems like something you possess. You either have it or you don't. There are ways to obtain peace but I have never thought of it in the light that Timothy places it.

2 Timothy 2:21-23
21 If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

22 Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 23 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.

What I find interesting is the fact that here, peace is something that is pursued. Much like holiness and love.

So, I guess the question is, how do you pursue peace? I suppose an immediate answer, thankfully is in verse 21- If a man cleanses himself from the latter - but what exactly is "the latter"? Backing up to verse 19 and 20 -

19 Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are his," and, "Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness."
20 In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble.

Of course with cleansing - we automatically know that it is probably sin - and those verses confirm it. The Lord does know who are his and we know that in order to belong to the Lord that we must turn away from wickedness. And though we live in the midst of things that are both good and bad - we are to cleanse ourselves from sin and abstain from sin - the best we can. So that we are free to "pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace".

We often discount certain things and feel they are just our burdens to bear. But worry is a sin. And it is one of the things that we have to confess and cleanse ourselves from. Practicing faith - (pursuing it) - is in fact trusting that God can and will take care of the hard things in our lives. Living faithfully now requires trusting moment by moment in the grace and goodness of the Lord. Worry is the opposite of faith and Hebrews 11:6 tells us that "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Finding peace in the midst of this world is indeed difficult. It is easy to take on the worries of things such as school, socialized medicine, losing your job, raising your kids...these things can overwhelm you. But as believers we have the answer to living in peace in troubled times. Pursue righteousness, pursue faith, love and peace.

If you do so - you will find them.
Our salvation brings to us the longings of the good things in this life.

Oh Lord...please change this heart and its errant desires. Give me the desire, strength and focus only you can give so that I may pursue you and what you offer me in righteousness, faith, love and peace. Thank you that you will be able to complete the work that you have begun in me. Let me not forget that!

I am who I am...

2009-07-11T21:43:00.008-05:00

I am having a pity party. It doesn't really matter why...I do this occasionally and it could be over something as simple as not getting the last ice cream sandwich.

I can struggle with my weight, with my financial abilities, with my keeping house, with how well I raise my children...any number of things that I get my personal identity from and it doesn't matter...not one hill of beans. My identity does not come from those things. My identity should come from one thing first. I AM A CHILD OF GOD.

My successes and my failures will pale in comparison to how well I lived before my loving heavenly Father. That is my most important task. And I long to do it well. But I cannot go about it as I do everything else in this life of mine.

I read somewhere that people that tend to be successful are self-disciplined. Well - there you go. I am so not. But the fact is - I have it. I HAVE IT.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Somebody want to tell me where I am hiding that self-discipline?

Well of course the more we practice it the stronger it gets. Just like anything. And it is like anything else. One good habit tends to cause other ones.

My problem is I am always wanting the end result - but do not want to pay the price.

Ephesians 5
1 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

So if my goal is to be like Christ then of course I have to be willing to sacrifice my desires in order to gain contentment. Because really - I have no clue what God's best for me is. The only way I can live in contentment and self-discipline is to trust God and to sacrifice those things that I cling to daily - my selfish desires - whatever.

I have talked about this before - but I have to give myself a pep talk every so often to get back on the right track. What does sacrificing my desires look like? I am so thoroughly selfish - it seems impossible to hope that I am capable. But I am.

Daily -

Colossians 3:15-17

15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Start the day with Christ, dwelling in his Word, ask him for guidance and do my best to remember that I am indeed his child and that if my confidence and joy is not coming from him that I will indeed flounder and feel sorry for myself.

Why can't I just do this? I pray again - God help me!

Normal

2009-06-29T08:14:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in TWO MONTHS. But creatively, I have been sapped. Just don't have the gumption to get on here and even be partly interesting. Not that I have any idea at this point if I really am interesting or not. I guess it is enough just to be writing out my thoughts and putting myself out there for accountability's sake.

This summer has been busy. I like the lazy days of summer and I have not seen those yet. I was talking to Ginny - a friend from church yesterday and she said exactly what I was thinking. "I use to say,"things will get back to normal soon", and then I would wonder what normal was, normal would not happen". So funny. I thought I was the only one that had an idea of what "normal" was and couldn't seem to find it. Frustrating in a way. But I wonder if that is my fault. I have some ideal of what a normal life should look like and I am so beyond that point I have forgotten that even in the midst of that time - it was not "normal".

Can I make "normal"? I should be able to control our schedule shouldn't I? Is "normal" a state of mind? Do I allow my life to gallop wildly out of control? Of course this is an overstatement. It is not wildly out of control...it just feels like it. But I should be able to control some of that shouldn't I? Surely?

For instance: My day was suppose to be cleaning the house (a quick blessing of the house if you will) and then on to the library, back for lunch then possibly a swim in the pool down the street. Walking my husband out this morning I see as he drives away a puddle of dark liquid. I run down and find it is oil...lots of it. I run up my mountain of a driveway, call him on his cell and tell him to bring the stationwagon back. So now, I get to go to the car place with three kids. Not the way it is suppose to be! wah.

But, on the bright side, I did see the oil and I can take it and get it fixed before there is more damage. This is good. Do I want to praise God for it? Honestly, and I know this just proves me to be so flawed and ugly - but I am truly flawed and ugly...NO...I am not thankful. Can I choose to be? Yes. I can choose to let go of this rebellious knot of resentment over my spoiled day and be thankful that more money and time will not be poured into my car. Letting it go and making a choice. ahhh. So hard. But once the decision is made to do so...it is so right. I am relaxed and at ease...whereas before I was tense and angry. There are practical as well as spiritual reasons to let go of the anger I had.

What if this is normal? And I daresay it probably - very likely, is. Where did my ideal day come from anyway? Did I actually have a time in my life where things flowed smoothly and it seemed idyllic? Did I just make it up in my head and label that what normal should be? Cause that is NOT what the Bible says.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

I am promised trouble. I do believe that I have made up what I think normal should be and I pine for it. This cannot be healthy. It is not spiritually sanctioned.

Matthew 6:
Treasures in Heaven
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

Do Not Worry
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I am not living spiritually in this world. I am living worldly. My goals truly do lean toward what makes me happy and what is easiest for me and my family. And that is not where my joy or my peace will be found. My treasures, my stores are to be laid up in heaven. My desires should not be for this world but for the world that is to come. Because I am an alien in this world. (that brings me to more ponderings that I will touch on later...Christians truly should know what it feels like to be a minority - in my mind we have not had that experience...but it is coming fast)

So, normal should be a battle field - where I am daily putting on the armour of God and fighting the good fight. No wonder I am so unhappy all the time. I am trying to live a life that is not yet to be. I am told so.

Ephesians 6:
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

We are up to our eyeballs in evil...we should be living every day like that.

Normal...my normal - is today. It is warring and fighting the good fight. Thank God he gives me days that are glimpses of what my "ideal normal" will be. These days give me the ability to go on.

Ah. So thankful for the Word of God. My compass. My true North...without it I would flounder for sure.

Ow!

2009-04-30T08:18:00.010-05:00

My boys are playing kid pitch baseball this year for the first time. Last year the machine pitched to them and it was the same speed, and went to the same place every time...so they had the timing down. They could truly hit the ball well.

This year, it's a different story. These little pitchers are amazing. They get up there and do their wind up and get that ball in there. Well, most of the time. Okay - at least 50% of the time. There are the wild pitches and some of them come right at the poor batters head, or arm or back or groin (they have to wear cups this year)....and it hurts.

It has caused a bit of fear to come into the game. There are those that seem to be naturally able to handle pain and they get right up in the batters box and deal. They don't get hit that much apparently. One of the twins is like that. J. gets up there and he hits the ball...seemingly fearless. I can't remember if he has been hit by the ball yet or not...that makes me think he hasn't - since, surely I would remember.

S. has been hit a record number of times. The most on our team. I am full of fear myself when he gets up to bat...and I am not the one in harms way. He has developed a fear that keeps him from wanting to be in the game at all. He will claim a headache, or a sore throat or a stomach ache, trying to avoid hitting. We have put our foot down (and it makes me sad) and told him he is on the team and he needs to overcome his fear...but doggone it - the next time he gets up there he gets pegged again.

But let me tell you about bravery. He gets up to bat and sure enough one is flung in there and hits him on the shoulder then glances off his shoulder and hits him in the chin - right in between the chin strap and the face mask. He goes down in a heap. Coach runs over, picks him up checks him out, encourages him and my little man gets on base and manages to steal two and slide home. Then next bat gets up there and swings the bat, and hits the ball. Wow. The common thing after you get pegged is to pray for a walk. So most of the kids that are scared of the ball stand there and watch it go by. So for S to get in there and swing - well...it is a small victory in and of itself.

Next game. He gets up to bat and WHAM! Right in the same place as the previous game...thankfully this time it did not hit his face...but it smacked the already bruised and sore part of his arm - he goes down. Coach again runs over, picks him up, encourages him and he goes to first and manages to bring it home. I am sure his next time up to bat that he is going to watch the ball go by praying for that walk. But no, my brave boy gets up in the batters box and swings away. Hits a pop fly to the second baseman....but to my eyes it was a home run...a small victory for my sweet boy. I could not have been more proud.

My eyes are full of tears as I write this. My little boy is not loving baseball right now. He loves the game but it has been hard for him lately. His fear almost consumes him sometimes. But with encouragement from his Dad and me and from his coaches he manages to pull it together and succeed. What a beautiful picture.

I see that God has given us this same thing. We live a life of fear at times. We struggle through countless difficult situations. And it makes us scared. What next? How will I manage? I don't think I can go through this again. I am sure you have thought of these things at least once.

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

The fellowship of believers...yes Church on Sunday - this allows us to be encouraged. To hear the Word and be encouraged at how we all struggle. How we find victory and success and can bear each others burdens.

Isaiah 43:1-3
1 But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.

I encourage you to fight your fear through prayer, through the Word, through accountability in the Church on Sunday mornings and finding a friend who is willing to come along side of you...no matter how boring you feel your fear is to them...and get in the batters box for pete's sake! Swing away! Keep living the life you have been given. The hard things we deal with do make us better, they create depth and empathy and such great character. They make us more like our heavenly Father. And this is, afterall, one of our true rewards.

Do Not Fear.

Sloth

2009-04-29T07:34:00.004-05:00

Isn't that an ugly word? Sloth. It sounds bad. Disinclination to to action or labor; spiritual apathy or inactivity. That is what the definition of this word is. Yikes. And I daresay that one can spill over and cause the other. I hate that word. And I have done my best not to attach it to myself. But I fear that I am slothful. It makes my stomach flip to SEE that written out.

Proverbs 19
14 House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD.
15 Slothfulness casteth into a deep sleep; and an idle soul shall suffer hunger.

I do believe my present struggle with my house is slothfulness. It is possible that I have been spiritually apathetic and that it has infected other areas of my life. I can see this happening. And I believe it is a very real danger and one that is hard to recover from once you have allowed yourself to lapse into it.

But there are ways to avoid it. We can be vigilant to guard our hearts and homes from this nasty thing.

Hebrews 6:12

We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

Through accountability, staying in the Word of God, and through diligence to guard yourself from slipping into it. Ask God for spiritual perception and conviction for when you feel you are falling into that pattern of slothfulness. I do believe that Moms - especially stay at home Moms have a tendency to be more susceptible to this.

The reason is our jobs are pretty much all things that get undone...and they get undone pretty quickly. Making the bed, washing the dishes, vacuuming the floors, cleaning the bathroom...you do it, ten minutes later someone has missed the toilet or spilled all over what was sparkly clean. It is wearing and it is unending. This can cause us to lose heart. Then we seek escape and many times we seek escape into what is easiest. Facebook or television. It is my weakness. Anything to turn off the thoughts that cause us to feel hopeless.

The problem here is not with Facebook (computer time in general) or the television. It is in managing that time. There are only so many hours in a day. Giving yourself 30 minutes to watch a television show you enjoy, or to play on the computer is not a problem. It is when you put the kids on the bus and proceed to stay there in front of the computer or television all day (yes, shamefully enough I have done this). Then you are cranky when the kids come home because you haven't accomplished what you should and you find yourself throwing up excuses to your husband as to why they house is not in better shape, then you have guilt, rationalization and the next day you find yourself doing it all over again to escape your frustrations. It is a bad cycle and Satan loves it. He is gleeful when we find ourselves caught in it.

Identify your problem then proceed to take back control of your time. Give it to God. Do whatever helps you accomplish what you need to. Find ways to get your children to help in the processes of keeping your house clean. Make a list, whether mental or on paper ( a must for me - my mental doesn't work so well) and ask God to help you accomplish what you need to and not worry about the rest. Pray for diligence and self-contol not to give in to the desire to throw up your hands and become lost in the attractive mindless calling of the television or computer.

Proverbs 31

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

Philippians 4:6-8

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

We have been given what we need to succeed at our jobs. And being a Mom and housewife is a noble job...as difficult as it is, it can be done. But it is important that we call upon the Lord and guard our hearts. Once we have fallen into bad habits, it is hard to get out of them...so when you feel yourself slipping, find a friend, ask for prayer, go to the Word, look for encouragement - you will find the help you need. It is a precious promise.

God bless you Moms. You (We) can do it!

Love,
Your Official Cheering Section

Whew! Sports are Good Character Builders

2009-04-28T22:12:00.004-05:00

I know many Moms are sports moms. You carry your child to practices and to games and you do your best to teach them to be good sports, to play with all their hearts and to be part of a team. It is great for them. They learn so much!

But let me just say that I am the one who is getting the education. There have been many times this year that I have had to ask God to guard my mouth and to make me gracious. It has been one of the hardest things to be happy when we have gotten the pants beaten off of us. It is so good for me! But it is so hard. During the game I am asking God to help them, help them, HELP THEM! But when the ball is popped up and it's the last out and we are one run down...I feel major disappointment...then I feel my pride prickling and have to start asking God to help me, help me, HELP ME.

The only thing that I can say is that I am so thankful that God has been so good to help me see my need for him in the midst of all of these games. He has given me kind words and genuine enjoyment of games even when we have lost. This is a major milestone for me.

The fact is, I want my boys to be having fun playing the game. I want them to be kind, and generous of heart and encouraging even in the midst of losing - and if I can't be that, then what hope have I of them being that way.

Galatians 5:22-24

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

2 Peter 1:5-7

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;

6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;

7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

I love that I am placed in situations that will work these things out in me. Goodness knows I do not have them on my own. But being put in situations where I have to rely on God to bring these out in me is good practice - and practicing these wonderful traits are good for me, they are good for my children to see in me and their Daddy.

I am thankful - I know character is hard to come by. But thank the Lord he cares enough to work it out in me and my children.

Here's a new possibility

2009-04-28T10:18:00.009-05:00

One of the babies at work loves nap mats. She did not have one. But every morning she would get out someone elses mat and roll it up and roll it out, place her little doggy lovingly in it and cover it up. Then roll it back up and out again. In passing I said it would not be hard to make and I offered to make it. I do this sometimes...before I think things through. I did it with french braiding too...I told my cousin I could do it - even though I had never done it before, then I proceeded to do it. It is bizarre...but there it is...I kind of KNOW how to do it - sort of - kind of - well there are a few detours and sometimes it turns out okay....this is one of those times.

I went and bought the cutest pink material with big brown polka dots. Then I picked out the softest brown fleece. I moved over to the ribbon and found pink and brown striped grosgrain and then found the batting to fill it -thick soft stuff that would be comfortable and wear well.

Then one day I decided to grab the bull by the horns. That would be this past Sunday afternoon. I had tried a couple of times before but ended up tearing out seams and being just not very motivated. But Sunday - well - it was all there, clarity of thought, desire to do it and the time. I only had to redirect myself a few times before I finally came up with this:

I was quite pleased. Come to find out people pay up to and maybe at times more than $60 for these little mats. wow.

Maybe this is what I can do.

I am always amazed at how God blesses the efforts to serve others. Even in such a small thing as helping little A. in getting her own nap mat. It was a huge encouragement for me...to see how God gave me the insite to be able to make it. But also to see her happy and rollng and unrolling her new nap mat. I have two orders already. God is SO very, very good!

Ephesians 3:19-21

19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.